Tantra, Throuples, and the Best Sex of Her Life at 65 with Xanet Pailet, EP. 114
What happens when you go from 26 years in a sexless marriage… to a full-blown sexual awakening in your 50s? This week, I’m joined by Xanet Pailet — a former healthcare lawyer turned tantra teacher, somatic sex coach, and the author of Living an Orgasmic Life.
We’re talking about:
How she went from disconnected and dissociated… to having the best sex of her life in her 60s
Why pleasure is your birthright (and what to do if that feels impossible right now)
Why communication matters more than rules — and what healthy sex agreements can actually look like
How trauma, disconnection, and shame keep people stuck in unsatisfying sex lives
Xanet’s year-long throuple experience (including a very helpful metamour 👀)
How to figure out what you want in non-monogamy, even if it’s not what your partner wants
What to do when pleasure feels really far away
If you’ve ever felt broken, stuck, or too late for good sex and real intimacy — this one is gonna hit. There’s so much wisdom here for midlife lovers, non-monogamous folks, and anyone healing their relationship to pleasure.
🔗 Links + Resources:
Get Xanet’s free gift: 10 Ways to Reignite Your Relationship
Book a private retreat with Xanet: passionateintimacyretreats.com
Follow us on Patreon for bonus content like “Just the Tip”: patreon.com/notmonogamous
🎧 Listen now and let yourself feel what’s possible.
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
Transcript:
Ellecia: [00:00:00] Hey, hey, it's Ellecia. Welcome back to Nope, we Are Not Monogamous, the show where we strip away all the shoulds talk honestly about love, sex, and relationships that don't follow the script. Today's episode is for anyone who's ever felt shut down or stuck or like pleasure is something for other people because my guest, Jeana Jeana palette, I didn't get her last name pronunciation, but it's Jean.
Is living proof that your sex life isn't over at 40 or 50 or 65. Girl Got it going on, I promise. So, uh, Shanae is a former New York City healthcare lawyer who spent 26 years in a sexless marriage, uh, before she decided she was going to try something else. That led her into tantra, non-monogamy, kink, and ultimately a full-blown reinvention as a bestselling author and intimacy coach.
So today you're gonna [00:01:00] hear us talk about why pleasure is your birthright, no matter how old you are, what it was like to be in a throuple with two men, and what worked until it didn't. How safety and attachment really can change the game in ethical non-monogamy, consensual non-monogamy polyamory, and how slowing down not spicing things up is actually the secret to great sex.
Plus, you're gonna hear some real stories from Janae, uh, enter clients and what not to do when initiating intimacy. And the one piece of advice that she wishes every couple knew. So monogamous, non-monogamous, polyamorous, kinky, whatever form of non-traditional you are, this conversation will have something for you.
Enjoy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I love it. Amazing. Cool. Well, welcome to, no, we're not monogamous. I'm, I'm really happy we got to connect. Thank you. Um, thank
Xanet Pailet: you for having me. I'm excited about this [00:02:00] conversation and interested to see where it goes.
Ellecia: Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. Um, well let's do this. Why don't you just, um, let the listeners know just a little bit about, um, who you are and what you do.
Xanet Pailet: Yeah. Um, so I am a former healthcare lawyer, um, who became a sex and intimacy educator and coach about 15 years ago. Um, when I transitioned from a 26 year sexless marriage, essentially sexless marriage, um, went through my own sexual healing process that also led me into non-monogamy. Uh, and um, for the last 15 years, I'd both been working with couples and with individual women to really help them reconnect with their sexuality and with couples to help them learn how to have.
A better sex life because so many people are having really bad sex. Mm-hmm. I'm [00:03:00] also a trauma practitioner. I'm a tan educator. Um, I'm a certified thematic sex and intimacy coach. And what else am I? Oh, holistic pelvic care practitioner. I don't do that much of it. That's more hands on work.
Ellecia: Amazing. Wow.
That's so much. I love this. I love this. What, um, so you went from being, uh, a New York City healthcare li lawyer, uh, to a full-time sex and intimacy coach. Exactly. What, what sparked that change?
Xanet Pailet: Um, well, I mean, what sparked it was being in a sexless marriage for 26 years and mm-hmm. Um, when I was finally ready to leave that marriage at age 50.
Um, I just had to take a really deep dive because it was really me. It wasn't my partner so much, but there was definitely, like, for me, sex was painful. It was uncomfortable. I just had [00:04:00] lots of issues. I mean, in retrospect, I know I was totally dissociated, disconnected from my body, um, because of some trauma I experienced as a child.
But, uh, it just, I just decided to close shop at the age of like 30 after both my kids were born. And, um, and took all my energy, put it into my work and being a lawyer at that time, and then other businesses that I started. But when I left that marriage I had to like look at my sexuality. I was only 50 years old, right?
And I was like, okay, like I don't want this marriage anymore, but I know I want something else in my life. But you know, what do I go and bumble and say like, awesome woman. Really smart. You know, pretty, you know, only problem is she won't have ever house sex with you. Like that wasn't gonna work right. So it forced me to really take a hard look into, you know, what was going on for me.
Um, and that first [00:05:00] door that, uh, opened up for me was Tantra Sacred Sex.
Yeah.
Xanet Pailet: And that was the door that I entered into initially, but that was life-changing for me because it was a completely different experience around what sex could be, what could possibly even look like. And, you know, from there, like, I'm a, I'm a lifelong learner, so I was just like, okay, well I'm learning about tantra now I need to learn more about like real sexuality and the psychological aspects and, you know, so I just went from one program to another, to another.
I, I, one of the most intense programs I did after was Sexological Body Work. Have you, have you
Ellecia: heard of it? Mm-hmm.
Xanet Pailet: Oh yeah. Yeah. A sexological body worker. Um, and that was incredible. That was, you know, also like. Just open up so many avenues for me around my own pleasure, my own orgasmic potential, all of which, like I never had an orgasm until I was in my fifties, which is [00:06:00] crazy but true.
And you're not alone. I'm not alone. That's, its adv. I'm not alone. Exactly.
Ellecia: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's amazing. Oh my God, I love this so much. Uh, my very similarly. After I, you know, I had been monogamously for 13 years and I got divorced and I was like, well, I wanna do something different. And, um, I dove into non-monogamy, didn't know anyone who, who was doing that.
But I also, um, started, um, I went through the VITA certification coaching with Leila Martin. And so I also like go tantra and energy work and was like, oh, there is so much more possible here than just like. Fucking
Xanet Pailet: Yes, exactly. I, yeah, yeah. The, the, the possibilities are endless. But it was, it was, it was like, I was like, I was like a kid in a candy store, you know?
As I was going through my [00:07:00] own healing, it's like, oh my God, I can have this and I can experience this and we can try this, and. You know, I can feel this. And even now, like even today, you know, 15 years later I'm still learning. I'm still exploring new things. You know, with my partner. I'm still curious about, you know, what if, what if we did it?
If we tried this, what if we got heavily more heavily into kink? 'cause that's, I learned something I really like. Who knew?
Ellecia: Right? Yeah. What, um, what, okay. What is something that you learned about yourself through this, you know, sexual sexual awakening at, at 50, um, that you wish more people knew was possible?
Xanet Pailet: Well, I, I think one of the things that I really wish people knew is that, you know, we are entitled to pleasure. I always say like, pleasure is our birthright. And if you're not experiencing pleasure, you need to take a hard look at that and figure out what's actually really going on in your life. Is it the relationship?
Is it something that happened as a [00:08:00] child? Was there sexual trauma that's in your past or any type of other trauma exchange? Trauma, right? Um, or are you just like not even sure what you want or even know how to ask for it? Like all of these, all of these are possibilities, but just like I want everyone to know, like you can have orgasms at 50.
In fact, you can. I'm 65. You have the most, the best sex I've ever had with my sixties. Honest to God. Right?
Ellecia: I love that. I want
Xanet Pailet: people to know that like your sex doesn't die at menopause. It doesn't. Yeah,
Ellecia: yeah. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. You know, you say pleasure is our birthright. Um, for, for people who have been shut down for years, that can feel really far away.
Where, where do they start?
Xanet Pailet: Yeah. You know, I, I'd like to start with just the non-sexual pleasure. Right? Yeah. Um, can you just like, identify a flower that you like to smell and go out and smell that [00:09:00] flower, you know, um, a drink that you like to drink that makes you feel warm and yummy inside? And drink that drink and start to connect with the sensations inside of your body start to track.
Ooh, when I smell that flower, what, what does it feel like inside my chest? What does it feel like in my heart? What does it feel like in my legs? Right? To start to understand as your action feels like in your body, because that's where we have to start in, in the non, in my opinion, in the non-sexual way.
And then you can start with touch.
Ellecia: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love that so much. All the senses, music, everything. Uh. Food. Yeah. Like all the, all the things that like feel good.
Xanet Pailet: Yeah. Everything that feels good. And then notice what doesn't as well. Uhhuh, like notice what, what's the like, Ooh, there, that's a yicky.
Those are important, right. For [00:10:00] important awarenesses as well. Yeah. Yeah.
Ellecia: My partner said something to me the other day that kind of blew my mind that I wasn't aware of. He was like, oh, you have a hard time making decisions when you don't like. All of the options that have been presented to you. He goes, because as soon as you hear an option that you like, you light up and you go, yeah, I want that.
And I was like, oh, I do. I should pay attention to that.
Xanet Pailet: I, I can, I can relate to that as well, right? Like energetically, intuitively you're like, yes, that one. Yes, absolutely. Uhhuh. Yeah. Yeah.
Ellecia: Yeah, amazing. I, I have an
Xanet Pailet: exercise. I have this, um, this program I offer, um, uh, it's called a, what's it called? My Weight Body. It's just like a Body awakening. It's a free program.
Um, but in one of the exercises it's called Clean Out Your Closet. And so after you've done like all of these different exercises, start to get more in tune with your body and sensations through touch and smell and other things, like the last [00:11:00] exercise is you go over your closet. You look at your clothes and you start to identify like, oh, what's my yes, and what's my no.
What feels good and what doesn't feel good. Like really starting to connect with your intuition to make decisions. That is the feminine way, right?
Ellecia: Uh, Uhhuh. Yes. Oh, I love that so much. It's so good.
Yeah. Yeah. I've actually started doing a that like I was like, I love and sexy, but my God, I hate to be uncomfortable. So I've really started like getting rid of things that I feel uncomfortable in that. And a lot of times I don't realize I'm uncomfortable until I've been wearing something for a couple of hours and I'm like, why am I grumpy?
I should be happy. I'm enjoying this event, but I really am grumpy. Oh, I'm uncomfortable.
That's important. Uh, totally, totally. So, um, you know, this is, [00:12:00] the show is Nope, we're not monogamous, and I always like to find out about people's, um, non-monogamy stories, and I, I know that, that you have, um, uh, explored some ENM and I'm curious what that has looked like for you.
Xanet Pailet: Yeah, I mean my, like I said, my first doorway into sexuality was through Tantra and of course anybody who's really good to a tantra workshop will know.
There's a lot of sharing that goes on there. Um, and that was kind of like my first a little bit of experience with non-monogamy. Um, just being with the different partners, and this was more in a very, you know, it was a pretty strong container where we were doing like practices, um, and exercises. But, um, when I left New York, which is where, um, I was living with my husband, and then when we divorced, I lived there and moved to California, San Francisco area, the Bay Area where I was there for seven years.[00:13:00]
I really started, um. Delving into the world of non-monogamy and I ended up, you know, getting in a relationship with somebody, uh, pretty soon after I arrived there who was non-monogamous. And, um, over, over about a two and a half year period of time, somewhere in the middle of that. So he was bisexual and he ended up, um, meeting a gay man who was a beautiful man.
He was also a lawyer. African American man, and we became a throuple. And it was, we did that for like a YI didn't realize that. So we just like worked and we did that for like a year. Um, and it was a very interesting experience. Um, you know, being in a really non-monogamous space with his lover, I guess that would be my, oh, what they're called meta.
Meta. Meta, yeah. But he, you'll like a metamor because like he w we were [00:14:00] like. We're all living together, but we spent a lot of times together. Um, yeah. And there were some beautiful things about it, you know, where he was able to like service my partner and I didn't have to. And that was like, oh, could wake up in the morning.
I don't have to give you a blowjob, he'll give you a blowjob break. No.
It was totally perfect. Um, so that was my, you know, experience. And it was a rocky one because he left, he ended up, when I met him, he was married, but they were an, a non-monogamous relationship and I was the very first person he ever fell in love with and ended up breaking up their marriage. She left.
Mm-hmm. Marrying somebody, monogamously. I don't know if they still are. Um, but that was really challenging for, for me and for him. And we broke up for a period of time. Um, so it was, it was, I went through the, [00:15:00] I went through the mill with it. I, the end of the day, um. It was really hard for me to be in a, a non-monogamous relationship, like my own attachment wounds and my own jealousy.
I was totally fine with him. Having a male lover on Throuple was great because I didn't feel by this guy at all. Right. Yeah. He was a guy. Yeah. Um, but the minute my partner and he warned me that he was gonna start to want to, you know, date other women, I was like, yeah, we're done.
Yeah,
Xanet Pailet: and I was bored. I loved this person, and leaving that relationship was one of the hardest things, um, for me.
But it was just tearing me apart. Like I just, you know, I couldn't handle it. And, you know, some of my friends who were non-monogamous just looked at me and said like, Hey, Shanny, like this isn't gonna work for you.
Yeah.
Xanet Pailet: Like, you know, you and I, you know, I went to all of the groups of like the jealousy, you know, the.
Whatever you call them, the support [00:16:00] groups, which were amazing, and I got to express my feelings and I really tried Compersion and all of that. And it just like, it, just like, it didn't, it didn't sit well with my service system at the end of the day. Um, yeah. And yeah, now I am in a primarily, I, I would say right now I'm in a monogamish relationship, right?
Uhhuh. So I have a long, we've been together for three and a half years, but. We go to sex parties. We have, um, a lover. We have a, we play with couples, right? So we've created the non-monogamous relationship that works for both of us, where, you know, yeah, neither one of us go out on dates with anybody else, right?
Like it's very much coupled down and bringing in other people or in a party. Um, yeah. So I really like that aspect. Like I do like non-monogamy. I find it's freeing and it's fun and it's exciting, right? Yeah. And [00:17:00] you, you know, experience different people and have that energy running through your body. Um, and, you know, this is also, I feel super safe and secure.
And maybe that's it too, right? This is, uh, in a space where you really, really feel secure with that person. Then may, then it, then it feels okay. Makes such difference to go out. It makes a huge difference to go out and play.
Ellecia: Yeah.
Xanet Pailet: Yeah.
Ellecia: I wonder, as you're telling that story, I wonder if all the work that you did in that first relationship really helped you, um, create a foundation and have idea, know better, like what works for you and what doesn't and what you wanted in, in this current relationship.
Xanet Pailet: Yeah, I definitely, I learned. So much from that relationship and, and really like got a better handle on who I am and what my needs are and, you know, just got like stopped beating myself up about not being able to be a good ENM person.
Mm-hmm. [00:18:00]
Xanet Pailet: I'm imper perfectionist's. Like, I can do it, I can do it if I couldn't.
Uh huh And, and you know, when I met my partner right away, like we had a conversation about it, our very first date. Um, and I was just like, I would, you know, I consider myself and I, even after I left that relationship, I still considered myself monogamous. Like I got, like, there was a part of non-monogamy that I loved.
Um, and then there was a part that really didn't work for me, but I, I was very clear about what I needed and what I wanted. And, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And he's been like super supportive of that. And he's like, you know, if you wanna go and date somebody, Jana, you can go ahead and do that. I'm totally fine. I haven't done that, but it's low.
You know that I could do that. And I was like, but you can't do that. He was like, that's totally fine. I don't need to. And so just establishing that connection with each other where we really do feel secure. It does make, it does make a huge [00:19:00] difference and yes, I learned a lot. I grew a lot from, yeah, experience a lot.
Ellecia: Yeah. Yeah. That makes so much sense. I, I feel like a lot of people when they start, like their first non-monogamous relationship, whether it's established or a new relationship for them, I feel like so many people try to. Make themselves fit into what it is their partner wants or what their idea is, rather than figuring out what it, what it is for them and what would work for themselves.
And like, like you had said, like beating yourself up for not like getting it right or doing it perfect. I mean, I know I've done that myself. Like I've always been a pretty jealous and possessive person, but, and in the first couple of years, being non-monogamous were so hard for me. I wanted non-monogamy more than I wanted my relationship.
Like for me it was like, I'm gonna figure this shit out because like I never want to be monogamous again for a whole lot of reasons. Right. And also it was [00:20:00] so hard. It was so hard
Xanet Pailet: and I wanna honor you for that. 'cause I think that people, you know, who like can work through that. I have, I just have so much acknowledgement of like, I'm, I'm like, wow, that's amazing that you can do that. You know, because I know I couldn't and it was, I, I, I don't think I could have, I don't think I could have felt like having a nervous breakdown, like really my nervous system.
Even in that relationship, my nervous system got shocked. Yeah.
Ellecia: It can be really traumatic. I've had people go, I feel like I'm going through a trauma, and I was like, you literally are. Yeah. Like you literally are.
Xanet Pailet: Yeah, no, definitely. Yeah.
Ellecia: Oh. Um, I love, I love how how you have now in this relationship found, like built as a, built a foundation of security and then went, okay, here's the things that feel good and here's the ways that we can do it, and here's the things that are excited, [00:21:00] exciting, and, and you know, we wanna have this couple, this, this, uh, central couple, and then do these things that feel good for us.
Uh, how. I'm curious for, for that, what have been the best ways to create your agreements? Like what, how, how has that come about?
Xanet Pailet: Yeah. I'd like to tell you that we have like very specific agreements, but I think what's, what's really happened is every, we, I think we've touched every situation differently and we have just good communication.
That was, that is one of the reasons that I wanted to stay in the, the non-monogamous world is because. You know, the level of communication that
mm-hmm.
Xanet Pailet: Role in the Bay Area e and m community have were amazing. Right? I mean, that was, you know, I learned so much about that, about the vulnerability, about really sharing what was actually happening.
Um, [00:22:00] so I think with, uh, my partner and I, we just sort of take it on a case by case basis. Then have conversations like, we're going to the sex party, you know, tonight. Like, what are your thoughts? Like what, you know, what, what do you, what, how do you wanna play? What do you, are there any boundaries that, you know?
We have for a pretty long time, our boundary was no penetrative sex. Um, that's my boundary. He didn't really care. But that was, that was my boundary. But we would just have conversations, you know, before we, we would go to an event or an activity and say like, Hey, how do you wanna, how do you wanna make this, you know, come out tonight and if you know something changes, just let's check in with each other.
Very often we, even in the, even at the parties, we kind of spend time together. Sometimes we go off and do our own things, but we always come back together, you know, at some point. But, so it's been, it's just been like really good communication around what our desires. [00:23:00] Um, what needs are and then like, oh, this couple seems interested, like, you know, interesting.
What do you, what do you think about them? Do you wanna like get to know them? Should we take them out to dinner? Like, you know, how do we, how do we navigate that as well?
Ellecia: I love that. So it really all kind comes back to, to really clear communication. It does like it, like everything, everything comes back to clear communication for sure.
Yeah. And like saying all the things. Need all of the paintings. Right, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Amazing, amazing. Um, I'm curious, do you ever, um, do you ever bring up the possibility of non-monogamy, um, when, when you're working with clients? I
Xanet Pailet: do. Um, sometimes it works. Uh, so, you know, I, I think there certainly are a lot of, um, marriages, relationships.
Where for one reason or another, like one of the [00:24:00] partners is just doesn't wanna have sex. Right? Um, whether there's a lot of trauma, I mean, I've definitely had experiences where there's so much trauma on one side that like this part, this person just came to be touched. Anytime our partner tries to touch and even though they're doing trauma work, it just takes so long to unwind that, um, that I have.
And sometimes suggested, you know, oh, would you consider non-monogamy? Is that something, you know, that you guys would even talk about? Um, and I, I, you know, for me it's like not that big a nail to bring it up. Yeah. But I have certainly had one or two situations where they were so upset that I brought it up, that I lost them as a client.
Wow. Yeah. Which really, I was like, wow, okay. Which really, you know, kind of surprised me. But that just shows us how socialized we are towards monogamy. [00:25:00] Right. For me, you know, somebody was like, somebody was like seeing sex worker or something for, for, it was basically a massage with a happy ending and I, I said, well, it was just a massage of heaven.
Honest sense, like non monomy, you know, but that actually broke up their, it wasn't the only thing, but that ended up breaking up their marriage.
Ellecia: Yeah. Right.
Xanet Pailet: Yeah. Um, and again, you know, it, I sometimes I, I, I have a. Well, I just have a very open mind, right? I mean, I don't have any judgment on any of this, and I feel like however your relationship works, your relationship works, like whatever, whatever you need, you need, right?
You, you create the sex life that you need. You create the relationship that you want, however you wanna craft it. Um, but yeah, I, I definitely have, you know, I'd say more times than not, at least brought it up as, you know, a possibility. Yeah. Because sometimes it [00:26:00] sounds like it would be a good idea to try it, right?
Yeah. Um, and so yeah, I'm definitely, I'm definitely a pro non-monogamy choice if that's, if that's something that feels, might work for relationship and of the times, like they do try it and, you know, they have found that it has solved some of the issues, um, or it's just opened up a whole new world for them.
Right. And so, yeah. That people are willing to like, take risks.
Ellecia: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I always wonder, you know, when I hear about people that are in a sexless marriage, um, for, you know, for, for reasons like, like that, and I, I always wonder like, it, it feels hard to know how to support because it's like on one hand.
A partner wants to be supportive of their partner, but on the other hand, now they are [00:27:00] also not able to have sex because they're in a monogamous relationship with someone who can't have sex with them. And so it's like at like, at what point do they do, they go, okay, well I need sex in my relationship.
Yeah, relationship. How do we like It just feels such a hard problem.
Xanet Pailet: It is. It is a really, it is a really hard problem. And I think part of it is like, first we wanna look at why is it, why is it a sexless marriage? Right? Yeah. Because so much of the time it's not because there's some sort of dysfunction or disability, right?
Or trauma, it's like there's something else going on. Like they're not having sex because they're not emotionally connected with each other, that there's been, you know, a lot of relationship issues. 'cause I always feel that. You probably agree with this, right? Like sexual challenges, challenges in the bedroom are just symptomatic.
Generally speaking of something else going on in the relationship and what we really need to do is get down to like what's going on. Is there a lot of resentment that's been billed up [00:28:00] often? Yes. Right. There's a reason people with old socks. But, um, but you know, I, I, I have a couple I've worked with, they actually came, did a retreat with me and, um, and six months later, which I just talked to her recently, um, they haven't had sex in like six months.
And she was like, I just gave up. I gave up, you know, initiating. But you know, I'm getting to the point where I'm gonna have to do something about it. And then we went through the choices. Look, here are the choices, right? You can work on the relationship somewhere. In this case, I think there's sexual trauma on his side that is having an impact, right?
Yeah. Because he's not willing to deal with it. You know, you can go and have an affair. Plenty of people do it that way. Right. Or, you know, you can leave the marriage and look for somebody else who you can have sex with, or you can consider, you know, going outside of the marriage and actually talking about it and letting him know.
Right. Um, and those are the, [00:29:00] those options that would let Right, right. Yeah. And so, you know, I think, and she's like, well, what do I do? I said, well, I think, you know, you. You know, you've put it out there, you're hoping something's gonna happen in some period of time, but you give yourself a timeframe. You know, if you haven't, if you, if nothing's happened in the next three months, then maybe you address that issue.
Like, look, you know, I've asked you to do this work. I love you. I, you know, she doesn't wanna leave. We've had that conversation. Um, I'm gonna have to go outside of the marriage and see how that goes. Right. That maybe that will, that will scare him enough that he'll realize I really have to do my work.
Ellecia: Yeah.
That, that is, that is so hard If one partner is like, I'm fine with this and not, don't wanna make any changes. Right. Right. Unless there's reason
Xanet Pailet: to make changes. Right. Or they're just frozen and, and you know, they Yeah. You know, it's, it, I mean, it's a, it's a terribly sad situation when that happens. Right.
And I feel everybody's [00:30:00] pain. Um, and you know, if you're a really sexually vibrant person. You know, and you're having sex with yourself anyway. It's still not enough. Right. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. It's hard. It's, it's a hard place to be. Woo. Oh yeah, definitely. You,
Ellecia: um, you have a book coming out?
Xanet Pailet: I have a new book that's going to be published.
I have a book out, uh, what's that one that's called Living an Orgasmic Life? It's been out since 2000. Oh. Living in a. Orgasmic life. Heal yourself and awaken your pleasure. So that book, primarily written for books, uh, for, oops, sorry. For women, for book writers. Well, primarily for women, though a lot of men have have read it.
Um, it, it incorporates my own in very. A lot of detail, my own sexual healing story, as well as, um, client, [00:31:00] uh, cases, and then a lot of like very practical exercises. The first half of the book is about everything that blocks us from having pleasure, and in the second half the book is like, how do you reclaim your pleasure?
Hmm. Yeah. And that's a, that's a beautifully juin book. Um, and then I have a new book coming out, but not until March of 2026, and that is called the Sex and Intimacy Repair Cut Repair Kit. How to Enhance Communication and Create a Lifetime of Passionate Intimacy. And that is, will be geared towards couples very specifically towards,
Ellecia: yeah.
Amazing, amazing. Uh, that's fantastic. Yeah. I am curious if. There were, if there were one thing that you could, if there were one piece of advice that you could give couples for having a better sex life, what would that be? I.
Xanet Pailet: Mm. God, there's so many pieces of it. Um, okay. [00:32:00] Well, I think the, I think the first and most important part is just to slow everything down.
I mean, I just think that that is the biggest issue that I see, like time and time again. There's not enough time for foreplay ever, ever. Um, and there was too much pressure on orgasm and genitals and like, if people could just. Slow everything down and just be in the journey and not worry about the destination.
Their sex life mm-hmm. Will improve tenfold. But all the pressure that we put on each other just makes it intense. Um, and causes problems. Right. Because if, you know, if your partner is expecting you to have an orgasm every single time, right. And you don't, you start getting in your head and worrying about like, oh my God, I'm close, but I'm not having it.
Um, and like you've gotta like slow things down so you can get in your body and feel what's actually going on. 'cause sex happens in [00:33:00] comedy guys, not in the brain, not your, sometimes it cause in fantasy, but you know what I'm saying? Like it's really, yeah. Really knowing what's happening in your body. So I think when you slow things down, you can really track what's happening and be more attuned to each other.
What would you say? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.
Ellecia: Yeah. Uh, well, one, I agree with that a hundred percent. I would say talk about all the things that turn you on, even if you're scared that your partner won't like it or won't want it. Because like we have this idea that, because once you say a thing that it has to happen, but it doesn't.
It's just talking about like, here are things that I find erotic. Here are things that I find sexually arousing. Doesn't mean I have to do them right. Like I have a tentacle kink. That doesn't mean I wanna fucking octopus. Right? Like, that is not something I want, but I can talk to my partners about like, here's a, some cool porn I [00:34:00] watched that really turned me on.
I don't want it in real life, but it's something that arouses me. Um,
Xanet Pailet: love that. It then
Ellecia: creates the same space for your partner to say things to you.
Xanet Pailet: Right? Right.
Ellecia: And you don't have to do any of it. You can just, just talk about it.
Xanet Pailet: Right. I love, I I really love that and I, I love your point 'cause I, I, I tell couples this all the time, like sometimes fantasies are best just left as a fantasy.
Yeah. You can talk about it and it can be a huge turn on, but just as a fantasy, 'cause you must try it. Like I've done that and tried it and I'm like, oh my God, that was poor. Nevermind. Let's just keep that in like the conversational fantasy world as opposed to let's actually try that in real life. Yeah.
And, and I think that's important. And I do think people have a lot of fear and a lot of shame around sharing fantasies and their desires and yeah. I mean, that's, that's a big piece, right? Communication.
Ellecia: Yeah. Absolutely. [00:35:00] Absolutely. Is there anything, um, that I haven't asked you that you wanna share?
Xanet Pailet: Um, I wanna, I'd like to share about, um.
What happens or why? I am actually in my work, I'm actually just doing intensive retreats, um, oh. Primarily then working, uh, one, one-on-one. So I, five years ago when I moved to Asheville, um, and bought a home, I started, um, a company of passionate intimacy retreats, and that's where I spend the bulk of my time.
Um, and I offer, I, the way I work with couples is. I do intensive three. Really. They're four day retreats where we work over like a long period of time, 13 hours over four days, and they get to stay in our very sexy, pinky sexy Airbnb. Um, but um, you know, the way, the way that I [00:36:00] work is probably very similar to the way that you work as well with that from your Layla training is that, you know, for me.
Really being able to connect intimately and erotically is through a felt sense, right? Mm-hmm. And so the work is very somatic and we take a very deep dive. So it's experiential and it's interactive. And I teach about different types of touch and then we get to try that and we work on like what does initiation actually look like?
And I'm like, so what initiation looks like? And usually it's terrible. Um, and then I. We try this and what if we try that? Right? And so it's very experiential and interactive. Um, and so people start to really get a sense of what embodied sexuality and intimacy feels like. And because we're in this space where we're doing long three hour sessions when stuff shows up, which it always does.
Yep. We get to actually really unpack it and work with it. So like we al, I always teach a very extensive repair [00:37:00] process. Yeah, because I think that's one of the things that actually saves a relationship. I know it saves mine is like really learning how to repair when there's some sort of conflict that goes on, but it shows up in the moment and so it really sticks and we actually get to heal a lot of pieces, which I found was impossible to do.
For me personally. And this is probably just my weakness, one on one on Zoom for an hour a week. Wow. It just didn't work for me. And it did, it didn't work for my couple. So like at immersive experiential, interactive space where you really have dedicated time with a coach for, for, for me in my book is the most effective way to actually transform your relationship.
And my, I've done over a hundred of these. My, I would say. The vast majority, 60, 70% are still in a really good space and still will, you know, say like, oh, we're still working on this and we've learned that, and you know, et cetera. But they've really seen changes that, [00:38:00] um, have been so, so that's something that I think is unique.
That I
Ellecia: That's amazing.
Xanet Pailet: Yeah.
Ellecia: That's so good
Xanet Pailet: fun. It's really fun, right? Because you, you know, you don't, it's gonna show up and what the weekend's gonna look like and where we're gonna go with it. And like every, everyone for me is like a new discovery, right? So I find that fascinating.
Ellecia: That's so fun. I love that.
And I think, um. Uh, I think there's a lot of people looking for that. Like, will someone literally hold my hand? So just tell me what to do. Yeah. Like, how do we get there? Yeah. Because every time I'm, I get alone. I, I fuck it up. Yeah.
Xanet Pailet: You know, because nobody teaches us how to have sex. Right. Nobody teaches us how to touch, and we usually touch our partner the way we think they wanna be touched, but we're not really focused on our own pleasure and our own sensation, and therefore our touch feels unconscious.
And you know, like there's. [00:39:00] We tend to have very vanilla sax. Right. And you know, I don't think it's about positions. I've never thought it's about positions. I think it's about the emotional connection, building the erotic energy. But like people don't know how to do that a lot by themselves. Like they actually really need to be taught these pieces.
Um, and I feel super grateful that I get to like teach some. I got
Ellecia: love that. I love that so much,
Xanet Pailet: much better than being a lawyer.
Ellecia: Yeah, I bet. Uh, how can people find you?
Xanet Pailet: Uh, they can find me on the website Passionate Intimacy retreats with an s.com. Um, and then, um, I'll give you this for the show night show notes as well.
I have a free gift, which is, um, 10 Ways to Reignite. Your relationship tonight. So there's 10 [00:40:00] sort of questions about intimacy and sex that really gets the conversation going because that's, that's where it
Ellecia: starts. That's amazing. So good. Thank you. I will, I'll put those in the show notes. I have one more, um, one more question for you.
And this goes, uh, is not on the main podcast episode, but is, uh, kind of a behind the scenes for our Patreon supporters@patreon.com slash not monogamous. Um, and it's called just the Tip. And this time I actually, I have like, um, four quick, like a lightning round questions. Okay.
Amazing. I love that so much. This is so good. Thank you.
So fantastic. This was, this was so much fun and I'm, I am so happy you came on the [00:41:00] show.
Xanet Pailet: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. It was a delightful conversation. Um, and yeah, I think thanks for having me. It was just really fun.
Ellecia: Wow. What a great conversation. Huge thanks to Janae for sharing so generously with us and reminding us that it's never too late to reclaim your pleasure.
Uh, if you love this chat, but you didn't get to hear all the, uh, juiciness that she just gave us for just the tip. It was a bonus lightning round. You're gonna wanna head over to patreon.com/not monogamous to get the exclusive there. Uh, there's some juicy stuff there and you can get that support the show.
Head over to Patreon. Uh, in the meantime, if you enjoyed this, like everything, all the likey buttons, follow buttons, subscribe buttons, leave a comment or review, just engage with the episode so that other people can find it. And [00:42:00] we can bring more awareness to non-monogamy and the mainstream. I love you all.
Bye.