How to Say the Hard Thing Without Burning Everything Down, Ep. 115
You’re not broken. You just never learned how to say the hard thing without burning everything down.
In this episode, I’m sharing how to actually talk about the uncomfortable stuff in non-monogamy—without losing your shit or starting a relationship wildfire.
Whether you're afraid of hurting someone, scared to be misunderstood, or just tired of swallowing your truth, this is your starting point for braver, clearer communication.
What you’ll learn:
→ How to understand your silence survival pattern
→ The exact steps to prep for hard conversations
→ Why blurting is not the same as honesty
→ The “truth sandwich” that isn’t manipulative
→ How to handle defensiveness and emotional shutdowns
→ What to say when it all goes sideways (and why repair = magic)
You deserve relationships where the truth can live—and still be loved.
👇 Grab the free guide:
Let’s Talk About It: Your Guide to Ethically Non-Monogamous Conversations
[https://elleciapaine.podia.com/conversations]
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] Hey. Hey. Welcome back to We're Not Monogamous. I'm Ellecia your coach for all things non-monogamy communication, human messiness. Okay, today's episode, it's a big one. It is something I hear almost every single day from the folks that I coach, uh, whether they're new to non-monogamy or they've been living this life for years. We're talking about how to say the hard thing, the uncomfortable, the possibly relationship, shifting the throat closing truth. Without lighting everything on fire, without blowing up your whole relationship, your whole life.
Right.
Okay. Let's be real. You've got something that you wanna say. Maybe it's. [00:01:00] About a boundary that's been crossed, or a feeling of insecurity that's been festering or a shift in your desires that you're scared to say out loud,
and every time you try, either it explodes out of you. It turns into an argument you immediately regret, or it gets shoved down so deep that it turns into resentment and it starts to erode your peace, your connection. Just kind of starts breaking everything down, right? And holding it in feels like a betrayal to yourself.
Maybe a betrayal to your partners. Blowing up feels like regret, and honestly, like you deserve better than that. You deserve relationships where your voice,
you deserve relationships where your voice can be heard and your truth can be spoken without. [00:02:00] A big fear that everything's gonna get ruined without the fear of implosion.
Saying hard things is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned and practiced and eventually mastered. We're not trying to like be perfect here, it's just we wanna make progress, you wanna practice. So that's what we're gonna talk about today.
Okay. Before you judge yourself for not speaking up, I want you to ask, what is this silence protecting? What belief about yourself or about others did you learn that makes holding back feel safer? It's a really important question and for a [00:03:00] lot of us telling the truth actually gets us into trouble or got us into trouble as a kid, right?
We were punished, we were rejected, made to feel like we were too much or not enough. So we learned to avoid, to smile, to swallow it all down.
Maybe you were told to be a good girl or boy. Uh, to not make waves or that conflict was just really bad, and those early lessons actually wire us to avoid uncomfortable truths.
But I have to tell you that silence is actually a pattern and not a personality. Uh, so when you name it, you can actually change it. When you name what's going on, you can shift it. So recognizing this pattern is a first step in, um, recognizing this pattern is [00:04:00] a huge first step towards choosing to respond and react differently.
Now, uh, keep in mind that blurting things out can be just as damaging as bottling them up. Uh, and I say this with love because I've absolutely done both, but that feeling of like, I just need to get this off my chest without any real thought about the how or the what next before you have the conversation, write it down, practice it.
Journal it out. Get clear on what you actually want. What's the core message that you're trying to delivered? What's your desired outcome? Do you just wanna be heard? Do you wanna ask for a change in behavior? Do you wanna set a boundary? Like what is it that you really want? When you have this clear, it's a lot easier to not get pulled off balance and start going off into a million different [00:05:00] directions.
Having clarity actually creates safety. And it lets you stay grounded. having clarity helps you turn, uh, you always do this into here's what I actually need, right? So you're shifting the focus from blame to genuine need, um, which is a lot easier for your partners to hear and respond to.
So I'll give you a real life moment. Uh, from my own life, uh, there was a time where I was holding onto this hard truth of feeling left out, uh, in the polycule for weeks because I didn't wanna be too much, I didn't wanna be the squeaky wheel, but I did wanna get greased, right? I was, I had really convinced myself that expressing my needs would.
Label me as difficult or needy or somehow like less polyamorous. [00:06:00] And when I finally said something, it exploded. Yeah, big explosion. And it wasn't because my truth was bad, uh, or shouldn't have been said. It was because I said it through a lot of tears, a lot of resentment instead of with clarity and care.
My nervous system was hijacked. Uh, my words came out really accusatory. They, they had been fueled by like weeks of unspoken hurt, like I was hurting my own damn feelings, really. Uh, and that conversation did change our relationship, but not in the way that I was worried about saying the hard thing brought us closer, created a space to like solve the problem.
So. Uh, since then, I really try to prep. First I journal it out. Maybe I'll voice memo myself, especially if I'm driving a lot. Um, [00:07:00] I name my fear
and when I speak from that place, I realize that the fear of being too much actually prevents me from being seen at all and supported in a way that I actually need that might resonate for you maybe. So
seriously when I say that you can do this, I mean, I've been in the mud with you. This is a practice. Don't have to get it right. Every hard conversation is a chance to learn and grow both like individually in yourself and in your relationships.
So like, you can do this. You got this.
Okay. I don't know if you've ever heard about a truth sandwich. [00:08:00] Uh, I wanna debunk this like weird idea people have. It's this idea that the truth sandwich is like manipulative or fake and it's not okay. A truth sandwich isn't about sugarcoating everything. It just gives context and compassion. So you wanna start with connection.
Say the hard thing, end with care.
Okay. So that might look like, I love being in this relationship with you. I love the things that we're doing and I need to talk about something that's been hard for me, and I wanna say it now because I really care deeply about our connection and I want us to thrive. Connection. The hard thing, this is a hard thing for me to say.
Care. I want us to be connected and I want us to thrive, okay? This isn't [00:09:00] like dodging the truth or waiting until things blow up. You, you want to create a space where your partner isn't getting defensive. Or you aren't attacking or making yourself small, you want it to land safely. And so you wanna create an emotional container for hard information, for difficult information, and, and make sure that it's received as an act of love and commitment rather than an attack.
And I know this can feel hard, it feels vulnerable. It feels like, why the fuck should I have to do that when my partner's the one fucking up? I'm just making assumptions here that that's the case, but often that's the case. I'm not getting my need met. Why should I have to be vulnerable when they're just not meeting my needs?
Well, you know, it kind of has to start with someone, right?[00:10:00]
And your nervous system. Isn't broken it. Your nervous system is always doing what it thinks it needs to do to keep you safe, and so if your body learned that conflict equals danger, then of course. You are gonna be scared, right? Your palms sweat, your throat closes up. Your heart races when it's time to speak up.
Just so hard, and this is your amygdala, the brain's alarm system kicking into gear, preparing you for fight, flight, freeze, fawn. That's not a weakness. That's the way we are wired. It's a primal, protective mechanism, not a flaw in your character. There's nothing wrong for you if your conflict wrong about you.
There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you if you're conflict avoidant. That's a normal mechanism we use to stay safe, okay?[00:11:00]
And that's why preparing for hard conversations helps so much. It calms your system down before the conversation even starts. Even just taking a moment to breathe, move your body, put your hand on your chest. Just really like taking a moment to ground and feel safe can help. How you show up can shift how you show up, and these are little acts of self-regulation that sends signals to your brain that you're safe.
They allow your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thought and clear communication. It allows that to stay online, which doesn't happen when you're freaking out. Okay. When your body feels safe, your voice starts to get clearer and your partners are more likely to hear you rather than react to your dysregulation.
I dunno, how many times have I been like, we gotta talk and now my partner is scared and defensive and just waiting for a shoe to drop Rob, [00:12:00] waiting for something bad to happen. Um, even if it's just like we need to talk about. Plans tomorrow. Like, you know, even if it's not a big deal,
you know, our, our partners are human, hopefully. They're not relationship robots. They have their own history, their own nervous system, their own patterns. Um, so even when we say things perfectly, your partner might react. And that doesn't mean you messed up or you're wrong or you're bad. It means you're in a relationship with another living, breathing, nervous system.
So when things get heated, take a breath, slow down, use ice statements. I know we all hear this, but it helps. Um, and if a break is needed, take a structured pause. Not like slam the door and disappear, but say like. I wanna take 15 [00:13:00] minutes and I will come back to this conversation. Always reassure your partner.
You'll be back. Okay. I need 15 minutes to regulate my nervous system. Can we pick this back up at seven? However, however that looks. It's just time to get clear, get rounded, take a breath.
And even when you do everything right, like things can still get messy, obviously that doesn't mean you failed. It means you are doing the work, you're moving in the right direction. So come back with softness and say, you know, Hey, I didn't love how I said that. Can I try again? Or, I realized that I raised my voice and I apologize for that.
Can we reapproach this? Repair is where all the good shit grows. Okay? That's where a relationship strengthens. It builds resilience and trust and demonstrates your [00:14:00] commitment to the relationship is stronger than like this one argument or this one problem.
And I mean like, like, let's be real. We've all biffed this, right? Uh, here's a couple of patterns that I see over and over. Um, and I've done them too. So, like I said earlier, saying we need to talk that seriously spikes up cortisol levels from across the room, like, whew, stress. So instead you might say something like, I have something I wanna share with you when you have a moment.
Is now a good time? Or later like, oh, now I'm curious, you have something you wanna share with me? Okay. Right. Um, unleashing five years of unsaid feelings all at once doesn't go well. This is so overwhelming. It makes your [00:15:00] partner defensive. So you wanna focus on the immediate actionable issue and speak up for yourself more often.
Start now. Don't hold it all in. Uh, another one that I see a lot is just hoping your partner will magically guess what you need or what's wrong.
They are not mind readers as much as we want them to be. Also, you're not a mind reader as much as you think you are. Okay? It is your responsibility to articulate your your needs. You have to do that. Otherwise, they don't know. We all think that everyone follows the same unwritten rules, the same common sense.
It's not common. We don't all follow the same things. We don't have the same needs. We're not living the same experiences. We can be side by side, going through the same thing and feeling it. It's landing differently for each of us.
Uh, the [00:16:00] last one. Is when you turn the conversation into a court case instead of a conversation or instead of connection, right? If you're trying to win, nobody in the relationship is gonna win. We, if I love you and I'm trying to prove that I'm better than you, smarter than you, right than you, I'm not being very loving.
You're not feeling loved. Nobody wins. The goal, I hope, is understanding and resolution instead of winning. So stop doing that. Stop trying to prove that you're right and they're wrong. If you care about them and if they care about you, tell them they don't have to win. So I just like gentle reminder, clarity is not cruel.
It's not mean, it's not bad. Um, and waiting for the perfect time often leads to more pressure and bigger explosions down the line. Yeah, [00:17:00] because there's like never a right time, right?
And I really wanna, this is like a big truth. Okay. Saying hard things with love is one of the most important relationship skills that you can build. It's not easy. You won't get it perfect every time, but it's so, so worth it. Keep trying because you deserve relationships where your truth can live, where you can be you and still be loved.
Relationships where authentic connection isn't sacrificed for an artificial sense of peace.
Okay, let's, um, put this into action. All right, I'm gonna give you, I'm gonna give you a tool here or a practice, okay? Think of a conversation that you've been avoiding [00:18:00] and then you're gonna put it into this structure. I feel blank when blank, because blank. What I need is blank. So here's an example. I feel anxious when we don't check in after dates.
Because I start to spiral and I imagine the worst. What I need is just a quick text just so I know you're okay. You're still thinking of me. I haven't like dropped off the edge of the planet in your brain.
You don't have to like create a whole TED talk, right? Just speak from the heart clearly and kindly start small. Practice on lower stakes conversations and the more you practice the easier it gets. So I wanna give you that prompt again. I feel when, because, [00:19:00] and what I need is I feel anxious when we don't check in after dates because I start to spiral.
I imagine the worst. I think maybe you died or you don't love me anymore. What I need is a quick text so that I know you're okay. And you're thinking of me that I still exist in your brain. Okay. Try it on, practice it. You don't even have to share with your partner.
Um. I put together a free guide. If you wanna go download it. Let's talk about it, your guide to ethically non-monogamous conversations. Uh, it's full of tools and prompts and scripts to help you speak clearly. Set boundaries, say hard things with love. I originally wrote it with the idea of dating, right?
Like I. Uh, if I'm having conversations with dates with potential hookups, like what do I say? How do I, how do I share all the pieces? How do I share what my boundaries are? [00:20:00] How do I share about sexual safety? But everything in there can also apply to long-term relationships, new relationships, friendships.
It's, I literally wish I had, had this when I was first navigating these waters. So, um, you can download it on my website.
Somewhere, lemme grab the link.
Okay, you can download it on my website, Ellecia payne.com/conversations. It's free a little PDF download. Okay. Remember Ellecia payne.com/conversations. Uh, [00:21:00] you've got this, you're totally capable of navigating hard conversations with like grace and courage. And, and don't forget that every time you choose to speak your truth with care w with compassion, you're building a stronger, more authentic relationship, not just with others, but with yourself.
Right? Uh, if you. Enjoyed this. If this was helpful for you, hit all the like buttons, hit all the subscribe buttons, leave a review, leave a comment. It helps other people find us. Helps boost this little show up. Uh, if you want behind the scenes stuff, go to patreon.com/not monogamous. I love you. Bye.