Dating Separately: The Secret to Actually Surviving Polyamory as a Couple, EP. 138
Dating separately is one of the most misunderstood and emotionally charged topics in non-monogamy.
For many couples, the idea of a partner dating someone without them involved brings up fear, jealousy, panic, and a deep sense of threat. So it makes sense that a lot of people try to avoid that discomfort by insisting on dating together, only pursuing triads, or creating rules that keep everything tightly controlled.
In this episode, I break down why dating separately is about building autonomy, emotional maturity, and real trust rather than abandoning your partner or weakening your relationship,
You’ll hear why dating together often feels safer at first, how monogamous conditioning shapes those instincts, and why avoiding separate dating can actually keep couples stuck in fear-based patterns that undermine connection over time.
This episode lays the foundation for understanding why autonomy matters in ethical non-monogamy, and why learning to handle discomfort is a necessary part of building sustainable, healthy relationships.
If you’ve ever thought “dating separately feels like too much” or “we’ll just do this together so it’s safer,” this conversation is for you.
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TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] Ellecia: If the idea of your partner dating someone without you involved makes your stomach get all twisted up, you're not alone and you're also not ready to skip this episode because today we're talking about the thing that makes a lot of couples step into polyamory with confidence and then crash headfirst into reality dating together or separately. Welcome back to, Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm Ellecia Paine, your non monogamous relationship coach. I have lived through jealousy and codependency and possessiveness and panic and fear and all of the messy chaos that can show up when you open your relationship or you're living non monogamously and you're changing the paradigm that you're doing relationships in.
I have also lived the freedom and the connection and the autonomy and the joy that come when you learn how to do it well. And that's why I do this work. So you can build relationships that actually work for you without [00:01:00] losing yourself in the process. And I work with so many people who come into polyamory and non-monogamy thinking, we'll just do it together.
We'll find someone we both like who likes us equally. And that way it'll feel really safe and secure and we don't have to worry. And honestly, that's a completely understandable instinct. I thought the same thing, right? Um, but the truth is that if you can't handle your partner dating separately. Dating people without you, you might not be ready for polyamory yet.
So today we're gonna unpack why dating separately is actually one of the most powerful tools for building trust, identity, and emotional maturity inside of your relationship. Where does this come from? Right? You've probably heard yourself say it like, we'll feel more secure if we date together, if we share a partner.
And that instinct does not come out of nowhere, okay? It comes [00:02:00] from our monogamous conditioning, and it makes complete sense genuinely when you, when you're trying something new, especially something that touches your heart, your identity, your security. You want to feel safe. You wanna feel connected. You want to protect what you already have.
You want to be sure that your relationship isn't gonna go away, that you aren't gonna lose it. So the idea of going out into the world as this, like united front feels really comforting. it feels like you can control the experience. It feels like nothing can surprise you because you're side by side the whole time you're aware of everything that's happening. But this instinct, this idea that we have usually comes straight out of our monogamous conditioning. This is what we were all taught.
We were raised with the belief that doing everything together is what quote unquote, real love looks like. Independence is [00:03:00] seen as a threat instead of a strength. Your partner wanting separate experiences is seen as something wrong, something bad. And if they enjoy someone else without you, it must mean you're being replaced.
Right? And these, these ideas get repeated everywhere. Movies, family, religion, fairytales, casual conversations. We absorb them way before we ever even think about questioning them, and then we carry them into non-monogamy without realizing that they are shaping every fear that we feel, right? It's like this inherited fear.
It's this programming that isn't based in truth or fact. When I first started exploring non-monogamy, I had all of this running through my brain without even really knowing it, without really being aware of it. I told myself that the best way to do it would be if we dated together. It felt safer. It felt like I could control the [00:04:00] situation. It felt like the right way to protect my relationship and myself.
But when I looked closer. That choice was not coming from confidence or from connection. It was genuinely coming from fear. It was a fear of being left behind, being left out, being replaced, fear of my partner, suddenly realizing that I'm not enough, that I am not as great as he thought I was, that I've somehow pulled the wool over his eyes. There was fear that if we weren't experiencing everything together, I would lose my place in the relationship. I would lose my spot in his heart, right? So dating together felt easier. I could watch every interaction I was involved. I could compare. I could make sure I was still the most important I could clinging to this illusion of control. And if I was in control, then nothing could happen that I didn't approve of. [00:05:00] Which is kind of a weird way to treat my partner. I'm not his parent,
and, and none of that built trust, right? It, it only helped to like manage my panic. It kept me dependent on like being a supervisor instead of building real emotional security. And this is the thing that most couples eventually learn when you date together to avoid fear, to avoid being scared. You, you stay stuck.
You miss out on growth opportunities. You don't get the opportunity to learn how to hold your own emotions. You, you don't get the opportunity to trust each other without monitoring, which I don't know if you've ever handed your partner your phone and said like, look at my texts. They're all fine. I don't know what you're worried about.
That's a pretty gross feeling. It's also pretty gross. To be the one going, I don't trust you or [00:06:00] believe you. I have to look at every conversation you have. I have to be involved for every conversation you have. I have to monitor it. I don't like, I don't, I don't like being that way. I don't wanna treat my partner that way.
I, you also don't get the opportunity to learn autonomy, which is essential in polyamory, right? Dating together is so often a trauma response that's disguised as like teamwork. And once you start to see that really clearly, everything changes, things start to shift. So, uh, let's talk about why dating together as a unit as a couple backfires. A lot of the time, this is a thing that most couples don't see coming, trying to date as a unit with the best intentions, with love, with the desire to stay connected, with the desire to, um, you know, all [00:07:00] the best intentions for the person you're connecting with. Also, a lot of times this actually creates more harm than good, and it's not because these couples are.
Manipulative or malicious. Okay. It's because the structure itself, the relationship that we're designing before there's even another person involved, sets everyone up for, for imbalance. Dating together as a couple often turns this new partner, a third person into an accessory instead of a person who is there with their own desires, their own boundaries, their own, uh, their own, what's the word I'm looking for?
When two people are operating as a team and they bring in a third person, that third person is almost always at a disadvantage. They're outnumbered, they're out powered. They're [00:08:00] expected to fit into a system that was built without them, without their input, their desires, their boundaries, their history, their relational stuff.
And suddenly this new partner becomes the object of the couple's comfort strategy instead of, uh, someone that each of them is genuinely getting to know as a full autonomous human being. And then there's the pressure. So much pressure dating one person and getting to know that person is vulnerable enough, dating two at the same time, who already know each other, who already love each other under the gaze of this like already established relationship.
That pressure shows up in ways that couples rarely consider or even like, can't even empathize with, have not been in that position. The pressure to impress two people at the same time, and if any of you have [00:09:00] seen, if any of you have three kids or have had three kids playing together, there's always one kid who like feels left out or feels ganged up on or feels like they never let me do the thing I wanna do, right?
Like, like it's the hardest way to relate. There's, there's pressure to be like equally attracted to both partners. There's pressure to harmonize with their dynamic instantly to just like fit into the slot that they created for you. The pressure to hide any discomfort, so you don't like ruin the vibe. And that pressure isn't actually just on the new person.
The couple feels it too, right? They start performing their relationship. They start performing what their relationship should look like, what they want it to look like, instead of just being in it, they're monitoring each other's reactions. Instead of connecting, they're trying to curate this like perfect conflict free experience so no one feels [00:10:00] insecure.
So everyone is having fun. And it, it starts to become a bit of a show instead of a connected, loving relationship. And this is how it quietly slides into unicorn hunting, which we'll talk about in a little bit. It is not really that popular, uh, in polyamory circles, a little more popular amongst sex. Uh mm amongst swingers or, uh, very casual sex only type situations.
But even then.
Um, we'll talk more about that, right? This is how it, it starts to come into unicorn hunting, and it's not because the couple is intending harm, but it's because the structure creates the conditions for harm. The couple's relationship becomes like the quote unquote real relationship. Uh, the new partner becomes a supporting character, [00:11:00] and, and the couple's needs take priority.
The new partner's desires become negotiable. Comfort becomes more important than consent. And even the most well-meaning couples can fall into like subtle hierarchy and veto power and possessiveness around like shared experiences. There's conditional approval. There's, uh, like micromanaging the pace of the relationship or the emotional depth.
And suddenly without anyone intending to be unethical or trying to be unethical, the new person is stuck in a dynamic where they actually can't win. They're expected to fit into this Dr. Couple's dream scenario rather than build something real. And, and the part that most people don't expect is that dating together as a couple, as a unit can actually rob everyone of real connection because nobody's being fully themselves, the new person is performing so that they'll be accepted.
The couple [00:12:00] is performing unity so that no one feels threatened, left out, jealous. Everyone is managing everyone else's emotions instead of listening to their own. You're like choreographing your relationships and, and you're not creating the deep connection that you're actually wanting. Right? And instead of intimacy and vulnerability, you're creating, uh, an illusion of fairness and symmetry. You're creating a situation where it like feels safe, but the safety isn't real. It's an illusion. It's comfort, created by control instead of, instead of trust, instead of building trust. Right? And people think that dating together will prevent that insecurity and will maintain that trust, but really it just keeps the hard conversations buried beneath this system that is designed to avoid discomfort. Okay, so it's not safer, it is quieter, quiet [00:13:00] is not the same as healthy. Okay? As a matter of fact, dating together as a couple, often delays, like actually can completely prevent. Growth and clarity and emotional resilience that you need for sustainable, healthy non-monogamy. And I wanna talk about something I see a lot very common when couples insist on dating together. Like creating a triad right away, or a throuple, I hate that word. Uh, a lot of times it has nothing to do with compatibility and everything to do with fear control, fantasy, even if nobody's saying that out loud, right? Even if nobody is saying that out loud, this is exactly how we get two really common issues that are problems in our community. The one penis policy. And, and unicorn hunting. Okay. And we're gonna talk about those first. Uh, we'll talk about the one penis policy, OPP, right? [00:14:00] now I'm gonna use gendered language here because this is like the common way that I see this happen, but it's not exclusive. Okay. It's not exclusive to, uh, it's not even exclusive to, um, heterosexual relationships. It might be a one pussy policy. It might be, uh, there can be a lot of different dynamics, but I'm just gonna talk about like, the most common way we see this come about.
And this is when a man says, like, you can date other people as long as they're women, right? Um, a lot of times this is framed as like, I'm just not ready. Uh, I, I'm not ready to deal with that yet. It just, I'm more comfortable with women. I don't trust men. Uh, men feel like a threat. Um, I wanna keep you safe.
We'll open fully later. Um, and usually the most common is she's bisexual and I'm not. So it's just fair. It's not like genuinely OPP one penis [00:15:00] policy is not about safety. Okay? And it's not fair. This is a thing that comes about, uh, it's, it's for control. It's for managing comparison, for eliminating the competition.
And it's most often rooted in the fear that if she dates another man or another person with a penis, she'll realize that I'm not enough. My partner will realize that I'm not enough. And, and I, I don't want her to know that. I don't want her to know what else is, is available. It's really kind of boils down to that, uh, the number of clients I have who ask me what if he has a bigger penis or he.
Is better in bed than me and, and there's so many answers to that. There's so many ways to build security and who you are and what you bring to the table. But ultimately, if your partner is only with you because of the size of your penis, [00:16:00] then you have a whole other problem. I don't know what just happened to my camera.
That was wild. And it's back.
I don't know what I last said before the camera went out.
Okay. Yeah. Ultimately, what it comes down to really is if your partner is only with you because of the size of your penis or because of the orgasms they give you, and there's nothing else there if that's the thing that makes them leave. You have other relationship issues that we should be working on way before you're opening up way before you're trying to have a triad, okay? Because ironically, these fears are the exact fears that dating separately helps you work through, right? OPP [00:17:00] doesn't create security, it creates imbalance. It limits your partner's autonomy. It sets the stage for resentment, right? When we say yes, yeah, okay, I'll agree to that boundary that you have or this, this rule we're creating.
I'll agree to this rule because I don't wanna make you uncomfortable, even though I actually want to do that thing. You get a lot of resentment, okay? This also treats. S partners, typically women partners, like, like safe training wheels or possessions that you are entitled to instead of equal humans. And that's a whole ass problem in itself.
Okay, now I wanna talk about unicorn hunting. Um, before I talk about how to solve this, 'cause we're gonna get there. Don't you worry? Don't you worry. Okay. So unicorn hunting is the, like, we only [00:18:00] wanna triad dynamic. And this is, this is a thing that, that couples opening from monogamy often get stuck in. We wanna date the same person together so that nobody gets left behind, nobody gets left out.
And we, and, and if we were to translate that, it's, I don't want my partner to have an experience I can't control, influence or participate in. Now maybe you're, you're fine with your partner having experiences that you can't control, influence or participate in. As long as they're not romantic or sexual, they're fine to go, I don't know, bowling. Do people still bowl, go bowling without you? Uh, you know, they do their hobbies, whatever. Um, but it should be the same if you are opening up to non-monogamy to, to polyamory specifically.
Yeah. Even more specifically with heterosexual couples, a lot of times this means like she can date other women, but only if the male partner [00:19:00] benefits from it too. If I get to be involved, if I get to watch this is hot or if like the couple can share her and that is not ethical. Non-monogamy, it's not polyamory. It's straight up strategic avoidance of competition. Male competition dressed up as like your dream dynamic, right?
And usually it's fear based, right? A lot of this is fear. What if she likes it more? What if she bonds with someone without me? What if I'm not enough? Those are very real valid fears. But the strategy used to avoid those fears is what's unhealthy. Forced triads and couple centric dating are built to soothe the existing partners insecurities, and they're not designed to build real connection with the new person.
Okay? Which leads us to treating this third person as a prop instead of a partner. It also kind of drowns the [00:20:00] connection under your expectations, under your, like preplanned, pre-thought out expectations that don't take into account the real people you're, you're engaging with. And there's a lot of resentment that can build up when this third person can't meet both partners needs. Or when this third person doesn't have the same level of, um, attraction, affection, interaction.
Oh, she's saying these really sweet things to him, but just like talking about shopping with me. You know, like, like there things don't feel fair. They don't feel even. and, and then you get triads that implode under the pressure. With this third person being discarded when she wants autonomy or when they want autonomy.
Dating together sounds safer, it really does. But in practice, it usually prevents anyone from forming real, honest human to human relationships.
[00:21:00] and here's a, a big truth here. When men set these structures to avoid competition, what they're really avoiding is vulnerability. What you're avoiding is vulnerability. Okay? The vulnerability of letting their partners be seen, letting their partners choose, letting their partner desire freely, letting themselves feel and experience, and move through jealousy without controlling someone else's freedom, and that is the kind of work that actually helps you grow.
Don't avoid the discomfort. You gotta move through it. You gotta grow through it. And all of this matters, these, these couple centric patterns. OPP, forced triads, she can only date women. We only date together. All of these come from the same root. This fear of being replaced, fear of not being enough, fear of losing control, fear of not being chosen, fear of being abandoned.
Dating together doesn't fix those fears, okay? It just hides them. [00:22:00] It also doesn't eliminate the risk.
dating separately is what reveals the fears and, and, and gives you the chance to actually heal them. And I don't know about you, but I would much rather not have them than to spend my whole life trying to avoid things that trigger those fears. That is why I have kept continuously choosing non-monogamous relationships and choosing polyamory despite being someone who experiences a lot of jealousy, a lot of insecurity, a lot of possessiveness, because I don't want to be a jealous person.
I don't want to feel insecure. I don't want to be possessive. I don't want to control my partners, and, and I do want to heal the parts of me that, that have that need for control. I want to feel confident and healthy and secure, [00:23:00] and compersive. And happy for my partners, for my friends, right? Like my partners are my friends.
I want them to have the best lives. I want them to, to thrive, not to spend their life trying to avoid doing anything that makes me feel sad or jealous or angry or insecure, right? Like, that's, that's not what I want. So go on a little rant there. Let's talk about the real purpose of dating separately, okay?
It's not, you're not dating separately to abandon or reject your partner. It's not about breaking connection or drifting apart. This is how you remember that you are two full humans rather than one merged identity trying to move through the world in perfect synchronization. Okay? When you date separately, you're, you're both choosing to show up as individuals.
Again, not half of a couple, not a packaged unit, not a representative [00:24:00] of quote us, but you. I know that sounds scary, but dating separately teaches you who you are outside of your partnership. It shows you the parts of yourself that may have gotten quieter or smaller because the relationship became your default identity.
It reminds you that you have your own energy, your own preferences, your own pace, your own desires. It reveals what you bring to a connection. It literally makes you hotter. Okay? When you're not leaning into your partner to fill the silence or smooth the awkward moments, or like co perform a fun date, you get to see your natural strengths, your sense of humor, your sensitivity, your awkwardness.
If it shows up, my God, I get so awkward. Your charm, your edges. there's something incredibly empowering about realizing that you don't need backup to be desirable, to be interesting or to be chosen. Okay? First of all, your partner has already [00:25:00] chosen you and desired you, so you have proof that it, it, it's possible. Okay? I can just hear in my head the people going, but what if I'm not dating separately also shows you where your fears live. You can get honest with yourself in a way that that doesn't happen. When you're focused on managing someone else's reactions, you notice the jealousy that comes up. You notice the insecurity, you notice the comparisons. You notice the places where panic or scarcity or clinging start to show up and, and not so that you can judge yourself.
So, so you can understand yourself. So you can do the internal work that makes polyamory and, and non-monogamy sustainable rather than chaotic. Like, uh, also, let's talk about trust for a minute. Dating together as a couple can give you the illusion of trust because you're watching [00:26:00] everything, you're monitoring everything.
You're controlling the environment, but that is not trust. That's supervision. That's fear wrapped up in closeness, right? Dating separately is where real trust actually grows. It's the kind of trust that says, I want you to have a full life. And I believe our connection is strong enough to hold both of us. Dating separately gives you space, space to feel your feelings without managing your partner's feelings at the same time. Space to be honest with yourself about your desires without like wondering if your partner's going to approve space to have your own experiences, your own emotions, your own stories, space to come back together and share what you learned and who you're becoming.
Not to get permission, but to connect that spaces where your like self-knowledge grows, your self-awareness grows, and that spaces where you learn how to [00:27:00] regulate your emotions instead of avoid them. That's where you develop maturity and it's where real autonomy is created. And when two people have autonomy, the relationship is stronger rather than weaker.
Okay? Because you're choosing each other, not clinging to each other. You're building trust. Instead of managing all of your fears, you're expanding your life instead of like shrinking it to fit into, into a shared bubble, that is the real purpose of dating separately. Okay? We're not creating distance and disconnection.
We're creating deeper, more grounded, more honest love. I don't know about you, but I want that, right? So if you want that, let's talk about how to do it without destroying your relationship. Okay? As we've talked about why [00:28:00] dating together often backfires, but let's talk about how to actually make the transition into dating separately in a way that builds trust and doesn't make you all panicky.
Okay? 'cause this is where most couples get stuck, right? You might hear like date separately, and your body is like, absolutely not. No. Mm-hmm. Not gonna do it. And suddenly, like every fear you've ever had about being replaced comes rushing up to the surface. This is so normal. It's totally human, it's totally workable.
You don't have to leap into separate dating tomorrow. Okay? You can have a slow, gentle, spacious process that's designed to support both of you. Okay? You wanna do it in a grounded, emotionally responsible way, okay? We're not just like, okay, last week we decided we're gonna open up and tomorrow we're just gonna go start dating people.
That's not what you do either. That's how you create trauma. Okay? [00:29:00] It's after that, that a lot of people start coming to work with me after they've created a bunch of issues.
A, it's, that's after they've created a bunch of issues that. They didn't know were gonna happen because they were doing the first thing where we go, oh, it'll just make sense. Let's date together. We'll both be there for everything. It'll be fair and balanced, and nobody can steal you from me, right? Um, but we can't also, like if you are a couple who spends all of your time together, who does everything together, all of a sudden going and dating on your own, that's gonna feel really scary for at least one of you.
If not both of you, you have to little, a little more slowly. Okay? A little a slow. Uh, we have to untangle codependence. We have to untangle the, the integration of like always being together. And the first thing you gotta do is like, start by naming your real fears, right? You [00:30:00] can't skip that part. This is foundational. You and your partner have to say out loud to each other. What actually scares you about dating separately? What actually scares you about dating separately? What are the fears that come up for you?
What scenarios do your brains immediately jump to? What stories start happening and what pain is underneath that fear? For most people, the fear is not my partner will meet someone else. The fear is, what if they find someone who meets needs I don't know how to meet, or I haven't been meeting or I don't wanna meet.
What if they realize I'm not enough? What if I get left behind? What if I'm abandoned? What if they don't love me anymore? What if I don't know who I am without them? What if I'm not chosen anymore? Okay. These are so common. If any of those resonated [00:31:00] for you, I want you to know you're not alone. Okay? When you speak those fears out loud, first of all, the fear loses some of its power.
That's where the healing starts to begin. And most of those things, most of those fears aren't fears your partner can actually heal for you. They can reassure you. They can tell you their own intentions and their own fears and their own, uh, the ways that they love you. And those are all helpful. But most of those fears you gotta dig into where did they come from?
But let's just start by even like naming what they are. If you don't know what they are, how the hell are you gonna figure out what to heal? Right? Okay. The second thing you're gonna do is build agreements that create safety rather than control. Okay? We're not trying to prevent feelings, we're trying to prevent chaos. Okay? So healthy agreements for starting separate dating might include check-ins before and after date. Sharing where you're going, [00:32:00] when you expect to be home.
Okay. And these are not rules. These aren't like, you have to do these just like, here's some ideas that might be helpful. Honesty about emotional changes as they happen. Transparency about the pace of new connections. Uh, a shared commitment to not make major decisions in secret or on your own. And a plan for support when jealousy hits.
Definitely have agreements around sexual safety and STI testing and agreements around things like overnights, sleepovers, long dates and ways to guarantee each partner will still get quality time. Okay. That's a, that's a pretty common one. And we're not talking about creating rules here. These are agreements that create like a scaffolding There, there's supports that you can adjust. As you grow stronger, they aren't. They aren't agreements that you make now while you're opening up and then never revisit. You're [00:33:00] gonna revisit them regularly.
You're gonna go and have an experience, come back and check in with each other and go, how does that feel? Do we need to do something different around this? Right? Like these agreements should be care-based and not fear-based. So care-based agreements sound like, ah, I would really love a check-in before and after the date. So we can reconnect, we can talk. Another one is, I need to know if feelings start developing. Okay guys, feelings are gonna develop, even if you're just open sexually, they're gonna happen.
So talk about 'em. Um, you might ask like, I'd like us to have quality time scheduled this week. Or I need reassurance when things are feeling wobbly for me. Fear-based boundaries sound like you can only see women. You can only date people I approve of. You can only date if I'm there too. You can only feel certain things.
Fear-based boundaries try to control other people's behaviors. They're not boundaries, right? They're rules. They and care-based boundaries create connection. They [00:34:00] create, um, the, the goal is like a sense of safety and not to restrict each other. And of course, everybody's are gonna be different, but these are just, just some ideas.
Okay? Third, you really need to start small and slow, okay? You do not need to go from zero to full polyamory overnight. Start with a coffee date, an online conversation with someone new, uh, like one low stakes exploration, one evening apart, one moment. Where you let your partner experience connection without you hovering separate dating does not start with a triad, okay?
And it doesn't, also, doesn't start with sex. It doesn't start with overnights. It starts with a single step flirtation, a hug, a kiss. Let each small, let each small experience show you like where your insecurities are, where you need reassurance, where you need to reevaluate [00:35:00] your um, agreements, what your body does under stress, what fears you didn't know you had.
You didn't know they were gonna pop up until they did, right? It lets you figure out like what supports you need, what strengths you already have. That's always a fun surprise, right? Growth doesn't happen in like leaps and bounds. It happens in little increments. So move slowly. Date one person separately first, and then like debrief together. Don't try to date multiple people at once. Don't, don't try to have a tryout immediately. Don't try to like get it right before you've even started. Just choose like one person or one. Let one connection arise naturally and let that be the practice ground.
After each step, ask like what came up for each of us emotionally? What surprised you?
what felt good, what felt bad? What felt [00:36:00] wobbly? What needs attention in yourself? What support do you need from each other? What kind of reassurance do you need? This is how your nervous system learns safety. This is how you grow trust, and this is also how emotional maturity develops. Okay. The fourth thing I wanna give you here is build self-trust while your partner is building other connections. Okay? This is another area where you can grow when your partner goes on dates without you. Use that time to practice sitting with your feelings instead of spiraling. Identifying your feelings, identifying your needs, uh, soothing your own nervous system, a little self-regulation practice being with discomfort without it making it mean disaster.
This is an opportunity to check in with your body instead of like all of your fear stories, right? This is the part that a lot of couples skip, but it is the part that transform you, that transforms [00:37:00] you every time you're able to be grounded while your partner is off experiencing joy with someone else.
You're rewiring your entire relationship code, you start to understand that like someone else's joy isn't your loss. It doesn't take away from you someone else's presence. Doesn't mean they're your replacement connection. Love, uh, relationships are not a pie chart. Okay? I also think that this next one I'm gonna give you is super, super important. You wanna reconnect after each experience, especially early on, early on. This is kind of crucial actually. You want to reconnect without interrogating each other, right? With, with, with, uh, curiosity. You wanna reconnect with curiosity instead of comparison. So some curious questions might be, how did it feel? Going out on a date on your own without me. How did it feel going on a date with someone else? What came up for you emotionally? [00:38:00] Was there anything that surprised you? Did you learn anything about yourself?
Are there any supports you need from me right now? this is how trust gets built, right? Not through control, through connection. So for each other, curiosity and connection, you can be all up in your fields. Your feelings might tell you, this is a disaster. My partner is gonna leave me for them.
Which first, you don't know that to be true. Okay? It's probably not true, but second. Second. Instead of giving in to that fear story in your head, get curious. Ask your partner how it was, and if you're the partner going on a date, come back and ask like, how did it go for you? What can I do for you? I love you so much.
Thank you. You're [00:39:00] amazing. I'm back home. I'm here, and let's hug. Let's connect. Right? We can be all up in our feels and still know that we still love each other. We still care about each other. We're still safe with each other. This is how you build trust and safety in your nervous system and in your relationship, and I want you to remember that the goal isn't, never feel jealous, okay?
The goal isn't, never feel insecure. The goal is. Knowing what to do with those feelings because dating separately will stir emotions, jealousy, excitement, insecurity, desire relief, fear, euphoria, right? Like this is normal. All these emotions are gonna get stirred up. Jealousy isn't a sign that you're doing it wrong. It is a sign that you are human with a full range of human emotions. And the real skillset is learning to navigate those feelings without punishing each other for having them. You also [00:40:00] need to communicate your long-term goals, honestly, right? This is non-negotiable. Don't try to shape yourself to fit into your partner's dream or fantasy, right? Don't hide what you actually want. Don't contort yourself to fit into a dynamic that doesn't actually work for you. So speak up and talk about what you want.
My dream is a triad someday, or I think I would prefer parallel polyamory, or I love the idea of kitchen, a kitchen table community, or I don't know what I want yet. I need space and time to explore and have experiences and see what I like and I don't like. You're allowed to not know. You're allowed to change your mind.
You're allowed to be human dating separately. Does not kill the dream of having a triad if that's what your dream is. If a triad is meant to happen, it will happen through connection, not because you choreographed it. Okay? Forced triads fall apart and organic ones grow. Okay. [00:41:00] This episode has gotten so long and I have so much more to share. I wanna talk about what you gain on the other side of doing this hard work, and I wanna talk about how to have the conversations when one of you wants a triad or one penis policy or, or wants to behave in ways that don't quite feel right for you.
How do you talk about those things? Okay, so I want, um, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stop now and then go and record the rest of this. So this is gonna be, this is gonna be next week's episode. The rest of this, okay, I'm breaking this up 'cause it's too fricking long. There's too much to talk about here.
Okay? So let's bring it all together, like what we've talked about today, okay? Dating together, dating separately. Fear identity, triads, OPP conditioning. It all comes back to the [00:42:00] fact that polyamory only works when you allow yourself and your partners to be full, separate whole humans instead of like extensions of each other, okay?
Instead of each other's chaperones or parents. And not being like co-pilots in every experience, not being two halves, trying to function as one perfect unit. You're two individuals with two nervous systems, with two relational histories, with two full lives. You're two people learning how to love without like controlling each other. And honestly, like dating together often, often feels safe, but it keeps you from the growth you actually need. It creates so much performance, and that's not like genuine connection, okay? It turns your partners into props and it hides fears instead of healing them. And dating separately is not about replacing each other.
It's not about pulling away, it's not about wanting less connection, okay? You're gonna learn who you are outside of the [00:43:00] relationship and bring a better you into the relationship. You are gonna learn how to trust your partner without watching everything they do, and you're gonna build emotional muscles instead of control strategies, and your relationships are gonna grow organically and beautifully, and there's gonna be space for real intimacy to thrive. Okay, as you finish listening to this episode, I wanna invite you into one simple question. What part of you is still clinging to the idea that staying fused together will keep you safe? And then ask yourself what might become possible if you let both of you breathe? Maybe you'll discover new sides of yourself. Maybe you'll learn to regulate your emotions in ways that you never have before. Maybe your connection deepens because it becomes a choice again. Maybe your partner feels free enough to show up even more authentically.
Or maybe the relationships you [00:44:00] build become richer and steadier and more honest. And maybe for the first time you get to experience love as something expansive instead of something that's fragile and needs to be protected. Okay? You don't have to do it perfect. You don't have to be fearless. You don't have to have all the answers, but you do have to be willing to grow.
And so if you're like here listening, if you're watching, if you're thinking and reflecting and questioning like you're already doing that. Okay. You're already growing. You're already being self-reflective and self-aware. if, if today's episode stirred something for you, if you're realizing that your relationship defaults are shaping your non-monogamy more than like your actual desires, I wanna invite you to take the next step.
You don't have to have it all figured out, okay? And you don't have to figure it out alone. You can have support. You don't have to like go through fear and jealousy, uh, and, and separate dating with guesswork. And you don't have to keep repeating the patterns that you inherited from our culture and from your parents.
Like, [00:45:00] this is the work I do with my clients in one-on-one coaching where we explore your conditioning and we build real internal wholeness and self-love and, and, and, and self-worthThat helps you create the non-monogamous life that actually feels steady and ethical and aligned with who you are. So if you're ready for support, you can apply. I have the links in the show notes, uh, Elleciapaine.com/call I would love to work with you as you build something deeper and more grounded than anything that you were taught growing up, right?
If this episode is helpful, please like, subscribe, follow whatever you have to hit wherever you're at so that you get more and leave me a review. I need reviews like that tells people, Hey, this is helpful, and then more people come and listen and watch. And it means so much to me to know that this work is resonating with you. Thank you for being here. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. You're awesome. [00:46:00] Check out the episode next week for the rest of this. Bye.