Why You Can’t Just Talk Your Way Out of Jealousy in Polyamory (And What Actually Helps) Ep. 131
You’ve read the books. You’ve had the conversations. You’ve tried to journal your way into compersion.
So why does your stomach still drop the moment your partner says they’re heading to someone else’s house?
In this episode, I’m unpacking the real reason jealousy sticks around in polyamory — even when you've “done the work.” Spoiler alert: it’s not about logic, it’s about your nervous system.
We’ll explore:
Why jealousy is a felt experience, not a failure
The toxic pressure to be the “chill poly person”
What actually helps (hint: it’s not another script)
Real-life signs you’re stuck in a jealousy loop
A breathwork practice you can use mid-spiral
Listener Q&A on compersion, insecurity, and nervous system care
If your brain says “I’m fine” but your body says “I’m not safe,” this one’s for you.
💨 Free breathwork tool mentioned in the episode: https://www.elleciapaine.com/bliss
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TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker: [00:00:00] You've read the books, you've had, the conversations you've journaled, processed, and tried your damnedest to talk yourself into Compersion. So why does your stomach still drop when your partner texts you that they're heading to someone's house? I used to think if I just had the perfect conversation ahead of time, if I was clear and open and validating enough, I could out logic my jealousy, but then the door would close behind my partner and my chest would tighten.
Speaker: Like someone flipped a switch, right? My brain said, we're fine. Everything is fine here. We agreed all of this, and my body said, emergency, emergency things are terrible. And I remember one night when I had just told my partner, like, have fun, have a great time with a smile. And the moment that they left, I crumpled onto the couch in tears, tightness in my chest.
Speaker: My stomach hurt. I just. [00:01:00] I knew logically that we were okay, but my body did not believe me. And if that resonates for you, then this episode is for you. today we're gonna talk about why jealousy and polyamory doesn't mean there's something wrong with you and why trying to logic and explain your way out of it might be making it a little bit worse. Welcome back to, Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm your relationship coach Ellecia Paine. And today's episode is one that I know a lot of you have been waiting for because we're talking about something that a lot of polyamory spaces don't talk about honestly, and it's why you can't just talk your way out of jealousy.
Speaker: Even when you've done all the work, right? So in this episode we're gonna talk about why jealousy is a nervous system issue, not a logic problem. What actually helps, and it's not about more communication. Uh, I'll answer some listener questions that have come in about jealousy and Compersion, and I'll guide you through a breathwork [00:02:00] practice that you can use in real time when that spiral hits.
Speaker: Trust me on this, let's go. Okay. You know that you're loved, you know, jealousy is quote unquote normal. You've had all the right conversations, but it still hurts. It still leaves you feeling really gross, right? Um, so here's a lot of what happens. You feel a twinge of jealousy. You immediately judge yourself for it. You suppress it because you think that you should be past this, and then you disconnect from yourself, from your truth, from your partner, and then the loop continues and spirals and gets worse and worse, right?
Speaker: we don't just feel jealousy. We feel ashamed that we feel jealousy. Right ashamed for not being like, evolved enough or grown enough or, um, secure enough for not being a picture perfect Compersion filled poly person. Or [00:03:00] maybe you're not polyamorous, maybe you're a swinger and you're like, I'm supposed to be turned on by watching my partner with someone else, but I'm not.
Speaker: Because we're all wired a little bit differently, right? You're not failing at non-monogamy, you're not failing at polyamory. You're not failing at being a slut. You're just missing a piece of the puzzle. And it's the one that a lot of books don't cover. A lot of people don't even talk about,
Speaker: We live in a growth culture. We live in a culture that really celebrates, which is good, um, personal growth, but sometimes it gets used against us. Sometimes it's too extreme, right? Our growth culture tells us that like, we should be better by now. But that mindset, that idea actually only reinforces the spiral.
Speaker: It actually makes the jealousy worse. It makes all the feelings that come with the jealousy worse, jealousy on its own is hard enough, but you add this layer of shame, of judging yourself, of making yourself bad and wrong, and then [00:04:00] suddenly you're not just feeling jealousy. You're feeling like. A failure for feeling it at all, for having a full range of human emotions, right? And that that's the real spiral. That's the part that gets stuck. It's not the jealousy, it's the story we tell ourselves about what it means that we feel jealous. Okay? Ask yourself this. Have I been judging myself more for the feeling? Or for not being able to make it go away? Because this is where so many people try to think their way through it. Um, and often we'd like gaslight ourselves like, you're bad and wrong, and actually you have nothing to be jealous about.
Speaker: Sometimes you absolutely do have something to feel jealous about, and sometimes you aren't allowing yourself to feel it and move through it, and you're getting stuck in it, right? Because your brain is only one part of the story. So let's talk about your nervous system. When we talk [00:05:00] about jealousy, we're really often talking about the body's response to a perceived threat to rejection, abandonment, loss of control, um, and that's your nervous system doing its job. Your nervous system is designed to keep you alive and designed to keep you safe, and it wants to do that with the least amount of work possible, right? And so when you have this perceived threat, this something is being taken away from you, a sense of safety being taken away or, or the anxiety of what could potentially go wrong.
Speaker: Your nervous system is just like, get to safety as fast as possible, whatever that looks like. Security, stability, control. so, so, so many things that we do. Right. But the catch is that understanding it intellectually doesn't equal somatic body-based nervous system regulation. Right. And a lot of us, we read [00:06:00] the books, we listen to the podcasts, we.
Speaker: Fill out, do the journaling, right? We're trying, being very logical, trying to talk ourselves through, like I see all the proof that my partner loves me. I see all the proof that I'm not being abandoned. Sometimes you don't see that proof that is also valid, but that's not what we're talking about here.
Speaker: Okay? Or maybe you see a little bit of that proof and, and being able to somatically, in your body, in your nervous system, regulate before you get triggered that is the key and the intellectual understanding isn't gonna get you there, right? So you might know logically that your partner loves you, but if your nervous system feels unsafe, your body's gonna react as though something bad is definitely happening.
Speaker: Your body is gonna respond as though this emotion you experience is fact, is data and it's not right. And you can't talk yourself. You can't talk your way out of a felt. Experience. You [00:07:00] have to feel your way through it. So for example, imagine you're trying to tell a scared child, a scared child, that there is nothing to be afraid of while they're shaking and crying.
Speaker: Do you just keep explaining the same thing until you're frustrated? Or do you wrap them up in a blanket and hold them close and sh sh, it's okay. I got you. Even if there is something scary, I'll protect you. Right. Trying to get them to be logical when they're in that activated, terrified state doesn't work and your body is like that child.
Speaker: It doesn't need a TED talk, it needs a fricking hug, right? We are giant toddlers running around in the world, paying bills, but our nervous systems are just like, I need food, water, safety, a hug. Maybe I'm sick. Right? Like our nervous systems are just trying to feel safe. Some physical signs that, that, that you might have from jealousy, like your heart races, your stomach churns, [00:08:00] you disassociate, you rehearse, you tighten.
Speaker: Um, uh, uh, one of my partners went on a date just a couple of weeks ago that I was, I was fine. Like I was good with it. And
Speaker: at one point. I started to feel panicky. I started to feel anxious. My stomach was, it had butterflies in my stomach. My throat was getting tight. My hands get cold. That happens to me. My hands get cold. I was just getting really anxious and I was like, what is happening right now? Why am I feeling so anxious?
Speaker: Like, I'm fine with this date. I, I have all the information I need. I don't feel threatened. I don't, I'm not scared. Oh, this is just my nervous system remembering. How it used to react to jealousy. So it was like a shadow of that jealousy. But then my brain started actually looking for a reason for what I was feeling.
Speaker: My brain [00:09:00] started telling me, well, what if? What if he's never gonna talk to you again? What if this is the moment that he falls in love with this new person on their second date and realizes that you're the worst ever? Like, like just my brain started giving me. The most ridiculous things, which then started making me feel more anxious, more jealous, more insecure.
Speaker: It was like spiraling. So my nervous system just had this sensation and my brain started putting stories to it with no facts, no data. It was a wild experience to be able, I've been doing this work for so long to be able to kind of step back and watch what was happening in real time. And then I went to my tools, the tools that I know work that I've been doing for a decade. I, I was doing my nervous system regulation and, and I never hit that triggered state that I used to. I used to get really triggered, really activated to where like I couldn't, I could barely function. I was so activated [00:10:00] and that didn't happen. I was able to like breathe through it. Support myself telling yourself like, like I was, you know, I started going, oh, that's not true.
Speaker: That's not real. You don't know that. That didn't help actually. Um, but going, Ellecia, I've got you. I'm never gonna leave you. I love you. I'm not gonna abandon you. Doing breath work, putting on music that I enjoyed moving my buddy. Like I just went to the tools that I know work for me and it helped so much, so seriously, like.
Speaker: If you're experiencing this, you're not broken, you're activated. Your nervous system is activated. And the, the, it's really tricky because we've been told, or we've been taught to talk over those signals, especially in polyamory spaces. Like we're managing so many different things that we're trying to learn things, we're trying to, trying to, uh, be good with different parts of [00:11:00] relating that.
Speaker: We've never been taught. We're learning them. Okay. Let's talk about the myth of the emotionally bulletproof polyamorous, non-monogamous person. Right? So this is the person that looks like this is, these are the, the people you admire, the people you see. Maybe it's me, maybe it's someone else. They're always secure. They're never jealous. They're totally unbothered.
Speaker: Uh, they're all Compersion all the time. Okay. I will tell you, that does not describe me, but I've had enough of you tell me that that's what they think about me, and it's not true, and it's probably not true about most of the people, you know? Right. There's so much pressure. There's so much pressure in non-monogamous spaces to look like we've got it together to be cool to say, have fun, babe.
Speaker: Even when your body is like screaming inside, I used to say have fun with a tight smile, but inside I was [00:12:00] absolutely crumbling and because I didn't wanna be that partner who made things harder, who made things complicated, I would just push it down. Like I, I can manage this. It's fine. It's not a big enough deal to inconvenience my partners, right?
Speaker: But the thing is that your body always keeps the receipt. The feelings don't vanish. They just wait. They're just waiting down there. They're waiting for you to feel 'em. They're waiting for you to notice 'em. They're building up. And when we fake it, we're not regulating. We're masking. That leads to long-term resentment, dysregulation, and disconnection from your truth and your partners. Okay? I want you to reflect on this. How often are you performing okay? Are you pretending to be okay because you think that's what you're supposed to do? You think that's what love looks like in polyamory or non-monogamy? Any, any kind of non-monogamy, right? So let me ask that again.
Speaker: How often are you performing okay? Performing I'm fine because you think that's what you're supposed to do.[00:13:00]
Speaker: What if you didn't need to perform chill? You didn't need to pretend to be cool because you actually felt safe in your body. Okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you guys a tool later in a little bit. before we move into that breathwork practice, I wanna take a moment to answer some of the questions
Speaker: um, these are common questions that I get from clients and listeners around jealousy and polyamory. Um, and, and sometimes it's not, you don't need more theory, right? You just need someone to say. Here's what that actually looks like. Here's what that looks like in practice, in real time, in real relationships. Okay? The first one, I've done all the work. Why is this still happening? And this is, this is one of the number one things I hear from folks that are deep in this, like personal growth, inner work, self-love, non-monogamy, unwinding the monogamous [00:14:00] conditioning that we've all been raised in, right? They're like, I've read the books, I've had the conversations.
Speaker: We've got good communication. I'm getting reassurance, but why is my body still flipping out? I feel like such a dick, And it's because knowing something in your brain and feeling it in your body are two different things.
Speaker: Knowing it intellectually and feeling it in your body are two different things. Okay. Um, and there's often a big disconnect between the two. So you're not behind, you are at the part where your nervous system needs support and new tools. That's not a failure on your part. That is just the next layer of growth and healing that we actually all have to go through
Speaker: to get to that, like, to be that cool, chill, poly partner that isn't, isn't phased, which doesn't mean they aren't phased, just, you know, it's not as as [00:15:00] big. Okay. The next question is, what's the difference between jealousy and insecurity? So jealousy is like an emotional cocktail. Fear, grief, comparison, insecurity, scarcity, and insecurity is just one ingredient in that cocktail. It doesn't mean your insecure as a person, it doesn't mean insecure is your identity. It just means, means that something inside of you feels insecure in that moment, right? Like both are human. Both are part of the full range of, of human emotion, and neither of them makes you bad at non-monogamy, bad at polyamory.
Speaker: they're signals letting you know what to work on. All right. Another question is, should I tell my partner when I feel jealous? And my answer is, not everything has to be a conversation in the moment. Okay? But if you're never sharing what's real for you, then you're creating a relationship [00:16:00] where you're always managing their perception of you rather than building intimacy, So. You, you get to have time to process. You get to have if, if you are constantly, if all you do is dump your emotions as they're happening, when they haven't been fully thought out, that can be a lot. But if on the flip side you just aren't sharing them at all, well, that's a lot of nothing, right? So ask yourself.
Speaker: Do I want to be witnessed in my emotions? Do I want them to know how I'm feeling because I, I wanna be witnessed? Or do I want them to fix it? Do I want them to, is this emotion a problem for my partner to solve? So a middle ground could be pre. Pre-agreed on emotional check-ins, right where you speak your truth, you speak, what's happening for you without the pressure for it to be solved.
Speaker: I often tell people when I'm working with my [00:17:00] clients, I give them all desires, fears, and loves a container, a conversation framework where you sit down, you set a timer where you just get to say all the things that are on your mind, that are on your heart. Your partner just holds space for you. And it doesn't become an, an, an argument or where you get shamed or judged or feel like you're bad or wrong, where they just hold space for you because emotions are fleeting.
Speaker: They pass, they aren't a decision, they aren't, uh, the result of logic, right? So if you, you have agreed, uh, pre-agreed emotional check-in where you can say, here's all the things I've been feeling. Thank you for letting me say all that.
Speaker: here's another question. Can I be polyamorous if I'm not good at dealing with my jealousy? Or even more common, can I be polyamorous if I'm jealous? Yes. Yes, yes, you can. Absolutely Right. P um, [00:18:00] polyamory. Non-monogamy. This isn't a personality type, right? Uh, it's a relationship structure. It's a relationship choice.
Speaker: Maybe it's relationship wiring. What matters isn't, whether or not you feel jealousy. What matters isn't, whether or not you feel jealousy, envy, insecurity, fear. It's how you respond and act when you feel them, The emotionally bulletproof polyamorous person is a myth. Safety and clarity matter far more than perfection, than getting it just right. So yes, you can be jealous and polyamorous. You can be jealous and non-monogamous. You can. You can experience jealousy. It's an emotion. It's not who you are. I tend to be very jealous and possessive
Speaker: through my whole life, I'm a freaking Scorpio. Uh, I know, I know, I know Scorpios who don't experience a lot of jealousy, but I do. Um, that doesn't make me bad at polyamory. I'm actually really fucking good at it, [00:19:00] uh, because I know how to regulate my emotions. I know how to support my inner system. Then I wanna answer a question about breath work. Um, because I use breath work a lot as a tool for myself, and I give it to all of my clients. Um, so, so the question is, what if breath work doesn't work for me? And that's fine. That's normal even, especially if you've experienced a lot of trauma in your life.
Speaker: It can feel like a lot at first. Um, so, so if that is the case, then try something gentler, right? Just orienting to your space, orienting to your surroundings. W noticing the walls around you, the floor, the ceiling, the doors, the windows, um, sigh, audibly, ah, or just placing a hand on your chest and feeling the rise and fall of your, of your breathing or your belly, or hugging yourself.
Speaker: These are all somatic things that help your nervous system regulate. Okay? This, this is not about like. [00:20:00] One tool to rule them all. Okay? This is just you wanna build somatic trust, uh, slowly building trust in your nervous system. Um, and breath work is just one of the tools we can use for that. So let's talk about this tool breathwork. That actually helps. It really works. Um, and I know it might sound a little bit simple at first, like, okay, breathing great. That's, that's your big solution. Thanks. I do it all day long. I'd never stop, but like, stick with me. Okay. When you are starting to spiral into jealousy, your brain goes into overdrive, looping, analyzing, trying to preempt and prevent pain.
Speaker: It wants to solve the discomfort. It wants to find something to control to keep you safe. But jealousy isn't a problem to solve. It's an emotion to move through. [00:21:00] Emotions do not live in your mind. They aren't logical. They live in your body. And breath work gives that emotion somewhere to go. It helps break the cycle of overthinking and gently invites your nervous system back into safety. So on a physiological level, breath work is doing a lot of heavy lifting. It stimulates your vagus nerve. It's the main highway of your parasympathetic nervous system. It helps to regulate your heart rate.
Speaker: It rebalances the oxygen carbon dioxide exchange in your bloodstream, and it shifts you away from fight or flight and into a calmer, more grounded state. So again, this isn't about controlling jealousy. It's not about calming down so you don't inconvenience anyone. It's this is to give your body the signal that it's okay to feel right.
Speaker: If we go back to when we were living in caves, you, if [00:22:00] you're running from a predator, now is not the time to give into your emotions. It's the time to get to safety. If you are fleeing a forest fire. You don't have time to sit down and cry it out. You have to get to safety. But then when you get to safety, then you feel all the things.
Speaker: Then you, you move through the emotions and then you, you know, you gather your loved ones, oh, we're here. We hug, we start regulating. We drink some water, we get warm. You know, we do the things like regulate your nervous system and everything that we are experiencing now. Jealousy and security, fear. All of that is created by a brain that thinks we're still living and a nervous system that thinks we're still living in caveman times.
Speaker: Right. Uh, because we just don't evolve as fast as, um, as we can build skyscrapers or as fast as AI is created. So this is a tool to help [00:23:00] give your body a signal that it's okay to feel you are safe enough to feel what you're feeling and move through it rather than be stuck in it. Um, uh, I know one of my clients told me that breath work didn't make her jealousy disappear, but it did give her enough space to witness it without spiraling.
Speaker: And that for her changed everything. And that for myself as well. It's like I was saying when I went on a data, or nope, not me, when my partner went on a date a couple of weeks ago and I was feeling really anxious. It was almost like I could step back and go, oh, I see what is happening right now. I see what my nervous system is doing.
Speaker: I, I have the tools. Let me move through this. Let me feel the things. And then shortly later I was watching a movie. I was fine. Right? Um, so when you stop fighting the feelings, when you stop layering judgment on top of your pain. Then the emotion begins to move, and that is that [00:24:00] movement is where magic happens. So just keep this in mind. Talking helps the mind, talking helps the brain. Breath helps the body. And healing happens when both of those things are allowed to be in the room. So before I wrap up this episode, I wanna guide you through a really short, really easy breathwork practice. One you can return to the next time that you start spiraling.
Speaker: Um, you don't need a script, you don't need to be perfect. You can't screw it up. You just breathe. Just be you. We're gonna do this together. Okay? Real quick, before, before I give you the breath, let's, um, I, I wanna share some of the signs that you might be caught in a jealousy loop. So if you are rehearsing and not just a jealousy loop, but like anxiety, uh, envy, fear, like, like any of those emotions that feel bad or wrong or just they don't feel good, right?
Speaker: So if you're rehearsing conversations before they happen. You are try, you're probably trying to prevent rejection before it can hurt you. If you are [00:25:00] saying, I'm fine, it's cool, but you're feeling sick to your stomach, that is emotional self abandonment, you're actually not supporting yourself there. If you over function and overgive to avoid being a burden, you're managing their feelings instead of your own. If you can't relax when your partner is on a date, your nervous system is on high alert. Your nervous system is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's looking for for the danger. And if you're feeling ashamed for having these, these feelings, then that is that shame spiral talking again. And these aren't signs of failure or that you're doing it wrong or you're bad. These are signs that your body, your nervous system, needs a different kind of support. So, so let's, let's do that. I'm gonna give you that kind of support right now if you're able to.
Speaker: Okay. If you're not driving right now, if you're able to pause here, find a quiet place to sit or lie down, and we'll [00:26:00] do this together. You're gonna start by placing a hand on your chest. So, place a hand on your chest and a hand on your belly and close your eyes or just lower your gaze, whatever feels safe and comfortable for you.
Speaker: And we're, you're gonna breathe in for a count of four, hold it for a count of two, and then exhale really slowly for a count of six. Now I'll count this with you. Okay? So we're gonna begin by an inhale, 1, 2, 3, 4, and then hold it for two. And then exhale slowly for a count of 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Slowly inhale
Speaker: and hold it, and then a slow exhale
Speaker: and inhale [00:27:00] again. 3, 2, 1, hold it and then exhale slowly. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Inhale,
Speaker: hold, and exhale.
Speaker: Inhale slowly. Three. Two, one, hold it at the top and slowly exhale. 3, 2, 1. Inhale. This is the last one. Hold it at the top and then slowly exhale, maybe let out a sigh with it. Ah.
Speaker: And then gently [00:28:00] ask yourself, what does my body want me to know right now? And don't force an answer. Don't look for the right answer. Just notice what comes up. What does your body want you to know right now? And that is your internal voice that's been waiting for space, that's looking for acknowledgement.
Speaker: Let's carry that softness, that gentleness into our clothes. And you can do that, that little cycle there, that breath as much as you want. You can do it literally anywhere. You can do it in your car, you can do it in the bathroom, you can do it at your office desk. You can do it during sex. I mean, literally you can do it anytime. So I just, I really, I wanna remind you. You're not weak or wrong or bad for feeling jealous. You're not failing. If you need support, You're not broken. You are beautifully human, and you're navigating a really complex emotional landscape, and you [00:29:00] can be deeply committed to your own growth and still feel jealousy.
Speaker: You can be an incredible polyamorous partner and still need nervous system support. You can be the Horniest, sluttiest, non-monogamous person Still experience the full range of emotions aside from that, right? Polyamory asks us to expand how we love. Um, but we can't do that without expanding how we support ourselves and each other.
Speaker: So you don't need more conversation scripts, you need more safety. Um, because this non-monogamy, this is not just about communication. Everyone comes to me and says, we just need to communicate better. Actually, you're probably doing a lot of talking and you need to regulate your nervous system more. So, um, if you want to stop spiraling and start grounding, I actually have a free breathwork session, um, that I, I put out a couple weeks ago that that helps [00:30:00] my clients reconnect to peace in the middle of emotional storms.
Speaker: If you wanna grab that, you can go to my website, go to Elleciapaine.com/bliss you can check the show notes and grab that. You don't have to like white knuckle your way through jealousy. You can do it with softness, with safety, with support, and you're allowed to take those things, right? I, I so appreciate you being here.
Speaker: Thank you so much for listening or watching. Uh, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss an episode, and I'll see you next time. Bye.