Reclaiming Your Power Through Self-Love and Pleasure with Kim Coffin, Ep. 46
In today’s episode, I talk with Kim Coffin, a trauma informed body based empowerment coach who's paving a new way for women to discover their inner sexual and sensual confidence. Through her own journey of breaking through societal conditioning, and healing deep trauma, Kim has become an expert in female sexuality, tantric sex, and relationship transformation.
Kim and I chat about our combined insights on non monogamy and polyamory and the power of pleasure and sacred sexuality practices in empowering women, and how to break free from societal conditioning to discover true sovereignty and personal truth. Join us as we uncover the transformative power of Kim's work and learn how to reclaim your own power and your own voice.
💨 TLDR;
Connecting with Yourself Through Sexuality
Exploring the Patriarchy in Monogamy
Recognizing Trauma in Our Coping Mechanisms
Following Your Pleasure
Non-Monogamy as a Choice
Free Tools to Approach Your Relationships
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Get Your Sexy Back Podcast - https://zurl.co/rqIq
Sacred Pleasure Membership - https://getyoursexyback.ca/sacred-pleasure-membership/
Complimentary Discovery Call - https://calendly.com/talk-to-kim/unleash-your-unapologetic-power
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Credits
- Host/Producer: Ellecia Paine
- Editor/Producer: Danny Walters
- Hosted on Buzzsprout
About Us
Ellecia Paine is a non-monogamy relationship coach who helps people navigate ENM (enthusiastic non-monogamy), polyamory, open relating, swinging, kink, and life in general.
Listen in to the candid conversations that give you a peek into the inner lives of other non-monogamous folks. Hear how they've overcome challenges like jeal
Do you feel like you could use some help with your relationships?
Get on a free call with Ellecia to see how she can help you move through the challenges of jealousy, fear, anxiety, and insecurities in a way that strengthens your relationships, deepens your trust, and communication, and leaves you feeling confident.
https://elleciapainecoaching.hbportal.co/schedule/605eb4a8812d3751b4c44ccc
Transcript:
Hey, I'm Ellecia, your non-monogamous relationship coach. Welcome to the podcast where my friends and I chat about our relationships. Enthusiastic non-monogamy, polyamory, swinging, kink, and our lives. You'll get a candid peek into what makes it worth it to live life outside the box. And in case you're still wondering. Nope, we’re not monogamous. Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to today's episode of Nope, We're not monogamous. I have the pleasure of sharing with you a conversation with Kim Coffin, a trauma informed, body based empowerment coach who's paving a new way for women to discover their inner sexual and sensual confidence. And through her own journey of of breaking through societal conditioning and healing deep trauma. Kim has become an expert in female sexuality, tantric sex and relationship transformation. And today, Kim and I are going to chat about our combined insights on non-monogamy and polyamory and the power of pleasure and sacred sexuality practices in empowering women and how to break free from societal conditioning to discover true sovereignty and personal truth. Join us as we uncover the transformative power of Kim's work and learn how to reclaim your own power and your own voice. And if you're ready to take your sex loving relationships to the next level, be sure to listen and enjoy. And if you do enjoy the episode, leave us a review. Drop some stars. Whatever your preferred podcast platform allows you to do. And if you want to hear the behind the scenes content, just the tip. A favorite sex tip from Kim, the founder of Get Your Sexy Back and all of our previous guests then become a subscriber on Patreon, a supporter of Nope, we're not monogamous. You will get so many bonuses behind the scenes content and also a monthly call with me to ask any questions that you have about sex, love, relationships, non-monogamy, all the things I'd love to see you there. Join us. And Rebecca O, our newest Patreon subscriber. Thank you, Rebecca. Enjoy every go. Now it's. Going cool. So, Kim. Welcome to Nope. We are not monogamous. Thank you. You're welcome. So I'll tell you what. I think you might be the first monogamous person I've had on the show. Wow, wow, wow. I'm like, christening your show. I'm so, so honored. It's so good. I love that. I, I. I love. Okay. Okay. Here's what I want to do first, I would love for you to introduce yourself a little bit and what you do, because I love. What you do. Oh, thank you. So, me, Kim Coffin, my name is Kim Coffin. I am a trauma informed somatic. Very, very body based empowerment, sex, love and relationship coach. And I really specialize in female sexuality, tantric sex relationship transformation, allowing you to have the tools to unleash your inner sensual sexual confidence and unlock profound new levels of empowerment, self-love, pleasure, intimacy, all of these things with yourself, but also in your relationships. That's so good. It's so good. I absolutely love what I do and I practice what I preach. Yeah, Yeah, you do. Yeah, I love it. So it's fun because a lot of so so a lot of times my clients will come to me having an, you know, desiring to open their relationships or having an open relationship and are facing a bunch of challenges like jealousy or feeling insecure or, you know, a lot of what ifs and a lot of the tools I wind up giving them are, I imagine, similar to some of the tools that you use with your clients, which is really coming back to your self and finding your inherent self-worth and your your own personal turn on and. Totally like learning how to step into that impenetrable, unapologetic power like that, that I got this and I can make these decisions for my entire life. Business, relationships, you name it, from this spot and through our turn on, totally through our turn on, like connection to our pussy, to our sexuality, to who we are, like is the fastest portal. And connecting to who we are is through our sexuality because it's the biggest place we've been, the most disempowered. So that's where we get to really, really connect and create safety and trust and really come. Home. In our bodies to ourselves. God, I love that it's so delicious. Turns me on just telling you what I do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I would say that this is. That's the work that helped me the most with I'm like, a super, like, jealous and possessive person throughout my life. And what shifted that for me was doing your personal inner work around my own self love, which meant making love to myself. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh. The levels of connection that we can hit. And I'm still like, I've been practicing on a regular. It's not always daily, but used to be daily, but on a regular like four or five times a week of sacred pleasure, sacred sexuality practices for years now. And even this week, my practices have hit a new levels again that I'm like, Wow, they just keep growing in the connection and the spirituality and the inner knowing in the trusting, all through following sacred pleasure, all through connecting back into our body. If they just keep upleveling, and up leveling, and up leveling, and they blow me away after years of practice. Oh, God, I love it. So I'm curious. How. Okay, first I want to ask you about your experience or exposure or knowledge of non-monogamy. Yeah, for sure. And yeah, I should even. I didn't give it to you when I was intro and I should have probably just said it myself. Oh, well, yeah. I've also been married for 25 and 20, not 25, 22 years together for 25 and have three kids. We're almost 23 years married, but 22 year old and 19 year old and a 16 almost 17 year old. So that is my relationship status at the moment. I'm laughing, saying at the moment, See, Ellecia’s making me nervous. I am never nervous to be on a podcast, but this one is like messing with everything that I got going on because I'm so open and I'm so frank. And yeah, I'm just kind of like, I'm going to like, speak my truth here because I can't stop myself and I wouldn't want to. And my husband, if he listens, is going to be like, Pardon? So there's a. Little bit of a... Because I am totally open to non-monogamy, to polyamory, to open relationships. I see the benefits. I see why? Because of the deep study that I've been in, that you've been in, and with the relationships with my best friend as well. Being in a polyamorous relationship. I believe April was on your podcast a year ago or so to Yeah, yeah. I'm just really, really comfortable with it and I really see the benefits and I see all of the reasons why to my husband does not. Oh, juicy. Have you guys talked about it at all? Yeah, some like not about opening, but I have heard his comments about others and his judgment towards it. And sometimes I feel like I'm literally living with the patriarchy. Yeah. In the judgment, in the thickness. And that's crazy. And it's like, no, it's actually not. I see that now. Ten years ago I would have said, That's crazy. Yeah, But with my opening, with my consciousness, with my deepening into tantric and sacred, sacred sexuality and into myself, I can see the connectedness between all of us, the connectedness between each other and the beauty that can be by having that kind of openness. Yeah. So good. So good. I mean, and I any time I hear someone who is. Oh, excuse me. Anytime I hear someone who has feeling, expressing judgment and like, oh, why that doesn't work. All I like what I hear is fear. But I hear his fear, you know, if that works for someone else, then that must mean what I'm doing doesn't work right? Like. Like this zero sum game of of. There has to be one way. And if I don't have the way, that means my way isn't working and I don't know it. And then what good am I? Oh, yeah. As a coach, it's really painful to live that judgment and go, I'm not going to be your coach right now. But. Tell me more. How do you do it? And I won't do it, but I see it, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. One of my partners expressed it really, really well. He was saying that, like, about the patriarchy, what is happening right now and in our, our society as we are trying to break that, he said it's like when someone is getting broken up with and they thought everything was fine. They were totally happy, like everything was fine. Why would you break up with me? Our relationship was great. I don't understand. And here we've got people who are served by the patriarchy going, I don't understand what's happening. Why would you want any of this to change? It works great. I'm having an awesome time. Why would you break up with me? I don't. What!? What is happening? Yeah, and it's not serving all of us, right? Like the conditioning, the messaging, the shame, the. Oh, my gosh. Like it's so thick and deep. And that's what I've been unraveling for the last six years, and I wouldn't choose another way. But we need to keep unraveling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm. I love it. So I'm. I'm curious. Oh, yeah. I'm just going to ask you if. So when you. I mean, first of all, congratulations. 25 years. That's a fucking achievement. I know. Thank you. It's like that is an achievement. It takes so much effort and it's just so much work and, like, compassion and and love and support, like, for yourself and for your partner and for your kids. It just. It takes so much work. Right? So. So first of all. Good job. Thank you. Second of all, I'm curious when you imagine what it would look like to open up a 25 year relationship, what do you imagine? Hmm. It's hard because I can get stuck in story. No, I can get stuck in this story, this relationship, and see that I don't think that would ever happen. Never know, but I don't think so. See, that is a cute story. It's really hard to separate out of the story. Let me put my coaching hat on here. What? What would that look like? It could be so epic, so amazing. I can see that. But not if both people don't do their own work. Mm hmm. I can see that, too. Like, there's just no way if he were not going to come to the table and do his own work, that that would even be a possibility. Does that makes sense. Yeah. And not to say, you know, 22, 25 years together is not, you know, that good and all I do want to add a part of for the first how many years would have been of our marriage. 16 probably 15. I was disconnected. I was stuck. I was exhausted. I was fried. I was stuck going through the motions. I was disempowered in so many ways. My truth, my boundaries, my voice, who I was as a human. So would we have made this many years if I was this empowered as I am now? Back then, I don't know. Would we even have got together? I don't know if that's who I would have attracted if I was who I am now. Yeah. So it's a really interesting place to navigate because I am a totally different human now and it was years and I can go into you could tell me how much more history you want me to go into. Like I know all of what led to you. Want me to go there? Yeah. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. Just before going there. Yeah, I was. I woke up in the middle of the night, 14 and a half, being sexually assaulted by my stepfather. And that was painful and that was awful. And that was the one of the worst nights of my of my life. But the worst part came later when I told my mother the next day and she believed me. And then within 2 hours she didn't. And there was this huge betrayal that I was forced to shut down, put away, dismiss, suck it up, and continue on through my teenage years living with them and beyond. They were very much still part of my life, my children's life, my family's life, raising my kids. And I had my daughter. She was my third. She's my baby and my almost 17. And as she was not as much on my hip and attached to me, I started to pull away. Right. But with my mother, with her being very controlling, a lot of narcissistic tendencies, it was scary. It was really hard. So I was shut down and I was so stuck in the conditioning in the society, in the shut down, sweep it under the rug, don't talk about it. And it really led to my total disempowerment. And I see that. I see that fully for what it is. And then leading into 2013, and I started to reclaim some of those places, like I had these deep, deep body whispers like, slow down. Slow. Down, and I swear I'm a thousand times slower than I was then I was so much living from trauma response to trauma response stuck in that pattern. And I didn't know. I just thought I was living a very crazy, amazing, busy mom. Great wife, great mom, great woman. Life, right? That's the conditioning that we're all that we're all stuck in. And it's the same conditioning that we're stuck in with monogamy or polyamory or whatever that may be. It's the conditioning. So that was me starting to break through in 2013. And it was in 2017 where I finally, like, really had to make a choice, like it was me or everybody else. Like there was nothing else left. I felt like I was dying inside. So that is where I started my journey and really started reclaiming my truth, my boundaries, reconnecting to my body, to my sexuality, empowering myself across the board and stepping into my power of who I was. So it's interesting. I can see, like as a coach to look at the whole relationship, to look at my whole life and go, okay, well, what now? Because I do see that the the options in opening, in being aligned and awake in our relationships. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for sharing all of. That. Because it is there's, there's always, there's always so much more to what's going on than, than we see. Right. Yeah. Like, like the busy mom story. Right. I'm, I'm so the busy mom That's what people see. But there's so much more behind that. I can see it as trauma. I can see it as I was doing it to numb out. I was doing it to stay busy. I was doing it to not be connected to my body, to my presence, to what was going on, because it was too painful as a survival mechanism. We all do it at some point or another. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I imagine. I imagine that. I mean, that's what I see with a lot of people who are who actually are opening their relationships is what we're doing isn't working. We're going to try something else. But they haven't done the trauma healing and they haven't done the healing of their relationship wounds. And that's when things start to fall apart. We're just going to change things and see what. Happens. And that's why I won't really push that button and say, Hey, let's open them up, because he'd probably eventually say Yes, but he hasn't done his work. If someone came to you who was, say, you six or seven years ago. Right. What advice would you give them? Let's do your work. Mm hmm. Right. And I also see that we're only responsible for our own work. Yeah, like, we can't make somebody come to the table and do their work. Mm. It's. And if we force it, it's not going to be true. Authentic work like they have to come to that on their own to a certain degree. Yeah. Yeah. But yes, definitely do do your own work. Yeah. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. So this is a thing people ask me all the time. I hear this a lot. Do the work. What does it mean? Good question. And I try to answer this all the time on my podcast, too, and in my social media post because there's so much so for me, I've kind of broken my work down into all the different parts and there's so many more. But these are the key big parts that I can see. There's definitely the the trauma healing work, the grounding, the reconnecting to body, the regulation. And then there you're going to hit a new level of trauma shit, and you're going to have to heal that and work with that. And you're also working with pleasure work and bringing in pleasure to follow your desires to play with that aliveness that turn on that fun and pleasure can be two things. Pleasure can be day to day pleasure, but pleasure can also be sacred sexuality, sexual pleasure, right? There's two facets. The very, very different. But they're also very, very healing and very, very grounding. And they can be very, very activating and create more trauma. So like there's all these levels of holding and playing and navigating that we get to do and we just keep doing the same things over and over. And like I was saying earlier, with hitting new levels in sacred sexuality experiences, we can also hit new levels in our healing work. We just it's like this spiral where we just keep going around feeding and pleasure feeding and regulation, feeding and grounding, feeding and reconnecting to body, releasing the layers of shame, releasing the layers, especially from body. I work very, very body based because our body holds so much, even if we don't remember it, even if it's beyond us, like mothers, grandmothers and so forth. So we're constantly working on these levels and we're working with what is what is here right now, right now, today in front of us. How are we going to hold it? Are we going to add in more pleasure? Are we going to do some de-armoring and release? Are we going to do some nervous system regulation as well as go deep into worthiness? Like there's so many points and parts? It's a moving, moving structure. It's a literal, lifelong journey. Yeah. But it's a fun one. I do want to add that in, because once you're on board and aligned and following your pleasure, following your desires, following your turn on is fun is really fun. Even the hard parts are empowering. Yeah, yeah. That's the work. See how that's like? How do you write that in a social media post? You can just do the work. You just can’t. And even then people come into containers with me and I'm working with them one on one and they're like, Oh, you always talked about this, but I had no clue. Now I get it because they're doing it right. Yeah, it's kind of like the term self-love. And. Right, Like if you haven't experienced it, you don't actually know what that means. Same with sacred sexuality, same with true empowerment. All of this work you don't know until you feel it in your body, and then you feel your body wake up and go, Ooh, we're alive. Like we're humming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the first step towards all of those is is finding pleasure. Absolutely. Pleasure is the easiest one to follow and also the hardest, because then we have all our conditioning and messages of telling us that our desires aren't ours and they're not worthy. And who are we to even ask for them? It's a both and but yes, if we start with the pleasure of playing. Yeah, yeah. That's, that's one of the first places I go when somebody is experiencing a lot of jealousy, like really activated and, and in these big emotions is finding some pleasure. Yeah, I was lucky. I was so supported on my journey. I fell into the school and then the arts working with Mum and Gina, and that's how I met April. And we literally have talked every day since like it hasn't stopped, but that is where I fell into reconnecting, to pussy, to pleasure, to following my desires, and it just kept fueling and going from there. And then I started working with Layla Martin and continued working with both. And then I met you along the road a few years later, and it's such a beautiful journey. I wouldn't choose anything else at all. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Same. Same. I was. I was. I didn't intend to be a non-monogamy coach like that was that was not the thing. I was looking for orgasms to experience or I was like 35 and was like, I want to have orgasms. And I stumbled across some of Layla Martin's YouTube videos. I was like, That's cool. So I bought her one of her courses. Well, I wound up buying like all of her courses. But. I think I took her jade egg course. And then I was like, when she start like, like released her, Oh, I'm going to certify sex love and relationship coaches, you know, I was like, I want to do that. And I was like, I'm going to be a women's sexual empowerment coach. And I went through the entire course thinking I'm going to be a woman sexual empowerment coach. And then I came out the other side and was like, I love talking about relationships and non-monogamy and helping everyone find all of their good things. So good, so good. And yeah, I hey, who knows where I'll go eventually. But right now, like there's such disempowerment in women and I see them struggling and I felt it myself so deeply. And I still I work with men and women and couples, but I still feel deeply called to help women heal. This is bullshit. Like it's it's too many thousands and thousands of years of disempowerment, and it needs to stop because it's it's feeding into the patriarchal messaging. It's feeding into the shame. Even around opening our relationships, it's feeding into all of this stuff. If we just don't heal at our core of who we are, which is our sexuality, which is our body, which is our sensuality, all of that. Yeah. Yeah. It's like life, energy. It's like our life energy is being dampened. Sucked out of us. Yeah. I'm going to go a little further. It's like an alien has come, and it's just sucked it out of us. It's gone. And not in a fun way. I'm curious So so do you think that being monogamous or being non-monogamous is something we choose or is a part of who we are? It's a part of who we're told to be? MM There is no choice like were conditions so, so young that we are told this is what we do. Like look at our Disney movies and our princess movies and oh my gosh, singing a gag if I go into that. But like we are told that a white knight in shining, shining armor is going to come and save us and we are going to ride off into the sunset and be happily ever after. And it's so bullshit. I want to gag like, it's cool, right? So it's not a choice. It is conditioned in us and it's up to us to unwind that conditioning and see where we land. Yeah, yeah. See what? See what winds up ringing true. So, yeah, I don't think it's a choice. It's the way I'm going to use it. Brackets, air quotes here of where we think it is and if we're going to choose something else, same way that I have chose to be a sex love and relationship coach, to follow sexuality, to talk about pussy on the internet, like people are like, What's she doing? And with that comes dysregulation in my body. Way back when too right like I had to learn how to hold that, how to trust myself, how to follow that. So the same thing would happen if you're choosing to be open in a relationship as you need to learn how to hold your system, how to hold your body, you're going to get activated, you're going to get disregulated. People are going to witch trial you or do whatever else is going to happen. And you need to be able to hold yourself and land in your personal sovereignty and truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. There's a lot of work to do, huh? Yeah. It is. But it's so worth it. It is. It is worth it. I wouldn't choose anything else. It is. It's the awake, it's the aligned, it's the connected. And there's. There's such a beautiful journey. I would not choose anything else. Mm. I was asleep before. So. Asleep. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So good. Okay. I have a not I have one more question I want to ask you. What would you say, What would you say makes a No. I don't want to ask you that one. What now. I want to know it. What's something that anybody can do for free that will help them approach relationships in a healthier way? Hmm. Well, listen to yours and my podcast. Let's start there. For free. Yeah. Mm. I put out free stuff all the time, Right? So different tools, different communication tools, different connection tools, ways to get in touch. So before you can even move into a relationship, I really think you have to get in touch with who you are. Otherwise you're getting in touch with the relationship that you don't even you're not showing up as your true self. So really learning who you are for free, like following your desires are so many tools that I share like all the time. Start practicing, start looking, start exploring who you are. Start playing with a simple thing like a trinity. What you want to brag and celebrate in yourself. What you want to share is a gratitude and what you desire. Sure, start practicing the fears, loves and desires with your partners. Like that's a free one that's so easy that you just need to start talking. You just need to start discovering, being curious, being open. Do you want more tools? There's so many specific places, but it's really hard to do with its direction. Yeah, yeah. That fears, loves and desires. I use that a lot. Yeah, it's a fabulous one. So good. And I've written it up and put it on a social media post so it's for free somewhere in my group or personal page. I've got it out there too. Yeah. So good. I have a segment called Just the Tip that I that doesn't go on the regular podcast, but is for our supporters of the show for our patrons on patreon.com/notmonogamous. So my question for you is what is your best or favorite sex tip? Thank you. Is there anything that I haven't asked you that you would like to share? Hmm. I don't know. I don't think so. Is our topic around basically, you know, the only one I would normally say is trust yourself. Like, trust yourself if you're feeling even the inkling of, Ooh, I want more. Ooh, I don't know how to do this. Oh, I like what they're saying, but, gosh, I'm scared shitless. Like, whatever that is, whether it's about sexuality and connecting to your body or whether it's opening your relationship or just doing the work, whatever it may be. If you have an inkling like trust yourself, you could save yourself like a decade easy. If you listen to the whispers that are already talking to you right now. Yeah. And just trust yourself. Oh, I love that. That's so good. That's the that is the that's the thing, right? We second guess ourselves constantly and then we’re like, if I had listened to that before. We’re Taught to! Yeah. Yeah. And no shame. We are taught to not listen to ourselves. We're taught down to to sit down. Shut up. Be good. Like that's what we're taught. Yeah. So just trust yourself. Take that step. You know, whatever it may be, say yes to yourself. Choose. You can keep going. From there and love it. Love it. Where can people find you? I don't think I said this is the beginning of the podcast, but my business is get your sexy back. Which is funny that I missed it, but I did so get your sexy back. Podcast is easy. Get your sexy back. You might need to put with Kim Coffin to find me. Otherwise you might get the old songs that your sexy back song. My websites getyoursexyback.ca for Canada, which is hilarious that you didn't know that until an hour ago. Oh, my private Facebook group is get your sexy back on Facebook. It's for female identifying humans there. And on Instagram I'm get_your_sexy_back_coach with underscore in between all of it and on Facebook like just find me personally Kim Coffin in Waterloo Canada if you need to look that up to find me deeper. But if you go on my website, all the links are there to getyoursexyback.ca. That's the easiest place. Yeah, it will all be in the show notes as well. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh. I’m so happy we got to connect like this. This is just. This is a fucking lovely conversation. More people need to know this stuff. Yeah. Thank you. I love recording with you as well. It's been great. A great couple hours chatting and connecting and merging or two worlds together. Yeah. Mm. I like that. That’s hot. And that was Kim Coffin. Get your sexy back. Hot, sexy. Just the tip tip that you can get on our Patreon at patreon.com/notmonogamous.