Rewind: Jealousy, Compersion & the Messy Truth About Non-Monogamy with Dirty Lola
Some of my favorite conversations on this podcast are the ones where we stop trying to make non-monogamy look perfect and just talk about what it's actually like.
This is absolutely one of those episodes.
For this Rewind, I'm bringing back my conversation with sex educator Dirty Lola, and ohhhh, there is so much good stuff in this one.
Lola takes us through her journey from experimenting with non-monogamy before she even had language for it, to marriage and monogamy, swinging, polyamory, divorce, and eventually building relationships that feel much more aligned with who she actually is.
And we talk about the messy parts.
Jealousy. Resentment. Agreements that don't work. Agreements people say yes to and then don't actually follow. Feeling unheard. Learning how to ask for what you need. Figuring out what information you actually want about your partner's other relationships.
And, of course, compersion.
One of my favorite parts of this conversation is how honest we both are about the idea that compersion is supposed to be this magical gold standard of successful polyamory.
Sometimes Lola feels it.
Sometimes I feel it.
And sometimes neutral is fucking fantastic.
Because healthy non-monogamy isn't about never feeling jealous or being delighted every time your partner falls in love with someone new. It's about knowing yourself well enough to recognize what's happening, communicate about it, create boundaries that actually support you, and take responsibility for what you do with your feelings.
We also get into something I wish more people understood about agreements: don't say yes to something you don't actually agree to.
A reluctant yes followed by broken agreements isn't healthier than having the uncomfortable conversation in the first place.
Say no. Keep talking. Get curious about what each of you actually needs. Find the version that works for everyone involved.
That's collaboration.
In this episode, we talk about:
Lola's journey from monogamy to swinging and polyamory
Discovering non-monogamy before having language for it
What happens when one partner identifies as polyamorous and the other doesn't
Jealousy as information instead of something to eliminate
Recognizing the unmet needs underneath jealousy
Rules, boundaries, agreements, and what happens when they're broken
Why saying yes when you really mean no creates resentment
Learning how to disagree and collaborate instead of fight
How being heard can completely change conflict
Breaking old relationship patterns in healthier relationships
Compersion, jealousy, and why neutrality is a perfectly wonderful place to be
Knowing how much you actually want to hear about your partner's other relationships
Why it's okay to want some moments to feel like they're just yours
The very human reality of polyamory
Why not every form of non-monogamy is polyamory
Lola's simple, free practice for getting out of your own head before a difficult conversation
There is so much laughter in this conversation, but there's also a ton of wisdom about what it really takes to build relationships where you can be honest, messy, imperfect, and still deeply loving.
If you're navigating jealousy, trying to figure out your boundaries, opening a relationship, or wondering why you don't feel that mythical nonstop compersion everyone keeps talking about, this episode is absolutely worth another listen.
Because you don't have to be perfectly polyamorous.
You just have to be willing to know yourself, tell the truth, communicate, and keep learning.
Enjoy this Rewind with Dirty Lola.
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
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