If It Feels Hard… You’re Not Doing It Wrong, EP. 153
Jealousy in non-monogamy doesn’t always look dramatic.
Sometimes it’s not a big blow-up or obvious conflict. Sometimes it’s the slow build.
A little comparison. A little overthinking. That subtle drop in your stomach when your partner mentions someone else.
And before you know it, it’s affecting your mood, your communication, and the way you show up in your relationship.
In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m talking about the hidden cost of ignoring jealousy, especially in polyamory and open relationships, and why trying to “be chill” or push past your feelings usually creates more distance, not more security.
We’re getting into:
→ why jealousy doesn’t stay contained to one moment
→ how ignored triggers stack over time and impact your nervous system
→ the sneaky ways jealousy affects communication in polyamory
→ why your reactions might feel bigger than the situation
→ how to stop overthinking and start feeling more grounded
→ what actually helps you work through jealousy in a healthy way
If you’ve been feeling anxious in your relationship, struggling with comparison, or noticing that jealousy is quietly shaping how you show up, this episode will help you feel less alone and give you a place to start.
This is for anyone navigating:
→ jealousy in polyamory
→ jealousy in open relationships
→ comparison in non-monogamy
→ relationship anxiety
→ fear of not being enough
→ feeling activated when your partner dates others
💜 If you’re ready for deeper support, check out Beyond Jealousy here: https://elleciapaine.podia.com/beyondjealousy
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
Okay, today we're gonna talk about something that I think a lot of people are feeling, but not enough people are actually saying out loud, and that is this. If this feels hard for you, you're probably not actually doing it wrong. So I wanna start with something that you've probably heard before. Just communicate better, just trust more.
Just like don't be jealous. Cool. Cool. Love that. Very helpful. 10 outta 10 advice. Also, if you're anything like the people I work with, or honestly like me at many different points in my own journey, that advice doesn't actually land or work because it skips over the part that you're actually in. Right?
Like the messy part and the emotional part, the part where you're, you're trying really hard and it still feels really hard, right? Uh, hey, I'm Ellecia Payne, your non-monogamy coach, and this is, nope, we are not monogamous. [00:01:00] So let's just, let's just ground here for a second. Non-monogamy is not just a relationship structure, right?
It, it's actually an emotional practice. It, it asks a lot more of you, and not because you're doing it wrong, but because you're doing something that requires skills. Most of us were never taught. You're being asked to feel things fully, to communicate clearly, to stay connected to yourself when your nervous system is so activated to hold love.
Fear all at the same time. Of course, it's hard and so here's where I'm gonna slow it down just a little bit because I see it all the time, and honestly, I've been there too. I remember sitting on my couch, like my chest tight, my stomach and knots refreshing my messages, my messages, like trying to convince myself that I was fine and also very much not fine.
Someone feels jealous or insecure or activated, the immediate reaction is, [00:02:00] Ugh. Why am I like this? What's wrong with me? I thought I was past this. Why can't I just do this? Nothing's wrong with you. You are having a human response to something that matters to you. Jealousy isn't just jealousy. Okay. It can be fear, it can be grief, it can be longing.
It can be a need for reassurance. It can be old conditioning coming back online. It can be your nervous system trying to protect you. It can be your intuition telling you that something is really wrong, right? It's not a flaw. It's information. It's not always convenient information. It's not always fun information, but it's still information.
Okay, let's take the shame out of it, because shame is the thing that actually keeps you stuck. It's not the jealousy, it's not the fear. It's usually the shame about it. It's the like, I shouldn't feel this way. I'm not cut out for this. Other people are doing this better than me. That's the part that shuts you down.
That's the part that makes you hide. That's the part that turns [00:03:00] a moment, you know, a little blip into a full on spiral. So what if instead, you could meet that moment with. Okay. Something just got activated. I don't fully understand it yet, but I'm willing to stay with it. I'm willing to feel it. I'm willing to explore it.
That alone changes everything instead of shaming yourself and making yourself feel worse. Right? And this is a skillset, it's a shift that most people miss. You think this is about being the kind of person who. Doesn't get jealous. I'm using air quotes. If you're not watching the video, it's not right. This is about learning how to regulate your body when you're activated, how to interrupt your thoughts when they're spiraling.
How to communicate honestly without blowing things up or shutting things down. How to stay with yourself in discomfort. How to get comfortable being uncomfortable. That's a skill set that takes practice, that takes repetition, it takes support, and if no one has ever actually taught you how to do it. Of course you're struggling.[00:04:00]
And a part that really matters is, is trust, right? You don't build trust by pretending you're okay. When you're not. You don't build a sense of safety by performing as the cool, easy, chill partner. You build trust by being honest about what's actually happening inside of you, not in a reactive, explosive way where, uh, you know that that was the final straw.
Now I gotta let it all out, right? You, you, it needs to be like a real grounded, this is where I'm at kind of way. And that starts with being honest with yourself first and being really clear with yourself. That's the, this is the point where most people get stuck, right? Because you can understand all of this.
I mean, I talk about this stuff all the time, guys. I know you're hearing it. I know you're reading it. I know you're watching it, but you can understand it all. But still not to know, not know what to do in the moment, not know what to do to [00:05:00] stop yourself from going over that cliff. Into the spiral, right?
When your chest tightens, when your brain is like racing, when your partner's out on a date and you're sitting there trying not to spiral, that's when you need support. That's when it actually matters, right? And, and that's when having the tools matters. Uh, and you have to practice those tools when you aren't in the spiral, right?
You, you can't wait until you're there. And honestly, like that's, that's why I created Beyond jealousy. Because I got really tired and sad, seeing people who are smart, self-aware, emotionally intelligent people feeling like they were failing when really they just didn't have the tools. So what we do in, in Beyond Jealousy, we don't try to get rid of jealousy, right?
We, we learn how to work with it in your body in real time, in the exact moments where it usually takes you out, where you learn how to stay grounded when you're triggered, [00:06:00] or catch it before you get triggered. How to interrupt the comparison spiral. How to build real self-trust and actually feel more secure without needing to control your partner or the situation.
You don't have to do it alone, right? You can do it with other people who are going through similar experiences who have practiced this, other people who are like, Ooh, yeah, this is the part I don't actually usually talk about. Right? I wanna give you one practice right now to start noticing. What happens in your body before you get triggered, before you start spiraling, does your heart start racing?
Does your belly get knot? Do your shoulders start getting tight? Do you clench your jaw? Do you squeeze your hands and fists like what happens in your body? What do you notice when you're about, when you're like, I'm fine. It's fine. I'm, it's okay. I shouldn't feel this way. It's totally fine. Take a few deep breaths.[00:07:00]
Just start to notice what happens in your body. Name it to yourself. List it. What are the sensations that happen? Okay? And I'm not saying naming them is gonna make you not feel jealous, right? But what it's gonna do is bring awareness that helps keep you present rather than triggered. Rather than activated, rather than your nervous system jumping into fight or flight.
And your brain like spinning out, like start noticing what happens in my body before I get triggered. What are the early warning signs? And just breathe deeply. Name 'em to yourself and start doing that regularly. Anytime you feel like, oh, something might be off, and you're trying to convince yourself you're fine, or maybe you're not trying to convince yourself, you're fine.
You're just like, yeah, this is about to happen, right? Like. Name the sensations to yourself, you'll start to notice them [00:08:00] sooner, earlier, and be able to regulate your nervous system, right? So, so if you've been sitting here thinking like, oh, that's me. I, I feel this. I just dunno how to change it yet. That's your sign, okay?
You don't need to figure this out by yourself. You, uh, you can have support, right? So if this episode resonates very quick, very short. Come join us in, in Beyond jealousy. We'll walk through this together, messy parts and all. And if you're not ready for that yet, start here. The next time something comes up, instead of asking what's wrong with me, try asking, what is this trying to show me?
What are these sensations trying to show me? And before, before I wrap up, I wanna, I wanna say this, if you're like, Ooh, this is me, and I'm not ready to do anything about it yet, that's totally okay. Just start noticing, start paying attention to what comes up in your body. You don't have to fix it. Okay?
It's not wrong or bad, just bringing awareness to it is the first [00:09:00] step. And if you're thinking, I know this is a pattern for me, I just dunno how to change it. That's the gap. That's the gap that uh, it's not that you're missing insight, it's you're missing support and tools in the moment that it's happening.
And that's the work that we do in, in Inside, beyond jealousy. If you're feeling, I'm so sick and tired of this cycle, I don't wanna keep doing it this way. This is your invitation, okay? You don't have to keep N White knuckling your way through these moments. You don't have to keep trying to logic your way out of something that's happening in your body.
You can get support. Come learn how to actually move through this and come out on the other side, right? And if you're like, I am ready. I don't want this to keep affecting my relationship, then I would love to support you. I'd love to help you out. Join us in Beyond jealousy. It's where we'll take everything that I just shared and actually practice it plus a lot more in real time with real support, with real people, [00:10:00] so you can feel different instead of just understanding things differently, right?
So wherever you're at in this, you're not behind, you're right on time. I mean, you're listening to this, you're watching this, you're doing the things right and make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss miss the next one. Or if you know someone else who's, uh, struggling with this right now, you can send this to them because chances are, they're, they're feeling this too.
So thanks so much for being here. I hope you enjoyed this. I hope it's a little bit helpful. And as always, take what resonates for you. Take what seems right for you and leave the rest. You don't have to follow all, all my advice. You don't have to follow any other advice you hear. It might help though. Bye.