The Polyamory Trap of Finding Different Partners to Fill Different Needs, Ep. 128
Have you ever thought, “If my partner can’t meet all my needs, maybe another partner will”?
In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I break down why that belief is one of the biggest traps in polyamory and open relationships.
We hear it all the time in the ENM community: “No one person can meet all your needs.” That’s true, but when we take it as a free pass to collect partners to fill every emotional gap, it backfires. Instead of feeling fulfilled, we multiply our insecurities, create pressure on new relationships, and leave our existing partners feeling like they’re not enough.
👉 In this episode, you’ll learn:
Why seeking new partners to fill emotional needs can backfire
How to stop jealousy in polyamory and open relationships
Practical self-care tools to create wholeness within yourself
Why community and friendships are just as vital as romantic partners
How to build healthier, more joyful non monogamous connections
Polyamory isn’t about finding enough people to complete you. It’s about cultivating wholeness within yourself so every relationship becomes a choice — not a patch for what’s missing.
✨ Listen now and start creating the kind of polyamorous relationships that feel sustainable, nourishing, and fun.
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👀 Find Us Online
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker: [00:00:00] We've all heard the phrase, no one person can meet all your needs. And yeah, that's true, but most people take it the wrong way. Instead of building stronger relationships, it ends up multiplying unhealthy patterns. So in today's episode, I'm breaking down why that happens and what it really takes to feel whole in non-monogamy.
Speaker: Welcome back to, Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm Ellecia Paine, your non-monogamous relationship coach. And as a person who has battled jealousy and insecurity my whole life while also choosing to live non monogamously, I understand how complicated this can feel and the excitement, the fear, the constant question of am I doing this right?
Speaker: Uh, and that's why I do this work to help people like you navigate non-monogamy with more confidence. With more clarity with compassion so that your relationships feel less like a battlefield and more like a source of joy. So today we're gonna talk about why the real work is [00:01:00] creating internal wholeness and how that changes the way we show up in every single relationship.
Speaker: This episode was actually inspired by a conversation I had with a potential client. She was feeling like she was failing as a partner because her partner wanted to date other people. And, and I mean, to be really honest, she also did. But she kept asking herself, why am I not enough? What can I do to make him happy?
Speaker: And the truth is she was like a really great partner and he genuinely valued their connection. And he also wanted to experience relationships with other people. So did she. But she just kept spinning out on this idea that somehow she wasn't enough because she wasn't like meeting all his needs. Right.
Speaker: That moment really highlighted something that I see a lot in non-monogamy. It's this belief that if your partner wants other people, it must mean that you're lacking. Actually. That's a belief I see in all relationships, right? Um, but the reality is that wanting more connection doesn't mean something is missing [00:02:00] sometimes.
Speaker: It's just human. We're creatures who crave community connection variety, and that's just like a part of who we are. And so this is where we come back to the real work. It's working towards creating wholeness inside of ourselves. Because if we're looking to our partners to complete us, we set them up to feel like they're constantly failing and we set ourselves up to chase a sense of fulfillment that we can only get within ourselves.
Speaker: Okay? So many people here, no one person can meet all of your needs, right? We've all heard that. A lot of people hear that and they take it as a green light to find more partners whenever something feels a little bit off or like something is missing. Uh, but a lot of times they don't really understand what it is that's missing, right?
Speaker: Is it connection? Is it validation? Is it rest alone, time, sexual variety, uh, building up their own sense of worth. [00:03:00] And without having that clarity, they end up looking to new partners to fill gaps that aren't really about partnership at all. Right? That's where things get really messy, because if the real gap is internal, no amount of partners can fill it.
Speaker: And, and, and here's why it backfires, right? It puts pressure on new relationships to fix old wounds When you go into a new connection hoping that it'll soothe, you know, jealousy or loneliness or self-worth struggles or horniness, uh, you're handing over responsibility for your own healing. That dynamic can feel really heavy.
Speaker: It turns fresh relationships into repair projects instead of a place for genuine connection. And it leaves your existing partners feeling like somehow they're inadequate, right? Your partner starts asking like, why am I not enough? I know I've said this a lot. Uh, they may feel like they're constantly being measured against invisible standards or just other people.
Speaker: Um, and that can erode trust and intimacy. [00:04:00] In your relationship, even if they're doing everything right. And so it creates this cycle of chasing instead of healing, you add more partners thinking it's gonna finally fill that, that gap or that hole, but the hole is still there. So then you look for another person and another person, and instead of feeling whole, you end up with more logistics, more emotional strain, more confusion, more.
Speaker: People and their emotions to manage, right? It multiplies conflict instead of solving it. And with every new person, there's more expectations, there's more disappointments, there's more conversations left unsaid or more processing happening, more calendars to figure out what started as a search for fulfillment turns into layers of drama that drain everyone involved and it distracts you from like the real work that is yours to do.
Speaker: As long as you're outsourcing your wholeness, you're healing, you avoid looking inward, and until you look [00:05:00] inward, no amount of partners is gonna create the stability that you're craving. So I'm gonna give you an example of how this plays out. A client once shared with me that her partner kept seeking new relationships every time he felt restless.
Speaker: And at first she thought it was just about like sexual variety, right? Which is normal and healthy and non-monogamy, and, and it fit into their relationship agreements. But eventually she realized that it wasn't actually really about sex at all. He was chasing validation. He wanted someone to constantly remind him that he was desirable and worthy.
Speaker: Is this relatable? I, it's relatable for me. I know that feeling. I wanna be desirable and worthy. But the problem was that no one partner could give him enough validation to fill that gap. And so instead of feeling more secure. He was just like kept adding more partners and meanwhile, his existing partners were feeling inadequate.
Speaker: Like they weren't enough no matter what they did. Like there just wasn't, they couldn't do enough. Right. And that's the trap. When we are looking outside of [00:06:00] ourselves to feel whole, we just multiply our unhealthy patterns. So the real work is turning inward and creating wholeness in yourself so that your relationships can be.
Speaker: Built on joy and not desperation, right? So you just have to start doing that internal work. And if you've ever been caught in that loop, you know how heavy it feels, the pit in your stomach when your partner mentions a new connection, the exhaustion of constantly wondering if the next person will finally make you feel secure.
Speaker: The, the, uh, the ache of sitting across from someone that you love while you're asking yourself in your head, like, what do they have that I don't? What am I missing? Sometimes it's not even about insecurity. Sometimes you're avoiding working on the relationship that you already have because it feels like you just keep having the same conversations over and over.
Speaker: You're saying the same things, you're staying in the same place and adding more people feels like the only way to get what it is that you want. That's the trap, right? You [00:07:00] start pouring yourself into new relationships because it's fresh and exciting and alive, and you feel really wonderful and loved and hot and amazing.
Speaker: But in the process, the old relationship is withering. And not because it's necessarily broken, but because you guys aren't pouring your energy into it anymore. And that's how so many relationships fall apart, especially when they open up. And not from a lack of love, but from a lack of attention. And, and I want to be really clear here, okay.
Speaker: Now, let me be clear, this doesn't mean that you shouldn't date until you're a perfectly whole, perfectly healed person. None of us are. Okay. We're all works in progress and honestly, we always will be. Healing is not a finish line. Our, our lives are, uh, there's not like some point where you're like, there, there, I'm done.
Speaker: I'm done baking. I am perfect. I am whole. I'm healed. I am wonderful. I'm enlightened. Right. Well, you're probably never gonna get there. But what is important is getting to know yourself well enough to recognize what is [00:08:00] yours to work on, what's reasonable to ask of your partners, and what you might be tempted to outsource that really needs to come from within.
Speaker: That kind of self-awareness doesn't make you flawless. Trust me. It just makes you responsible for your own growth instead of handing off that responsibility to someone else. Right. So if chasing more partners doesn't solve the problem, what does? This is where the idea of wholeness comes in, right? We all hear no one person can meet all your needs, and that is absolutely true, but the important nuance.
Speaker: It's not just about romantic partners, that's about being human. No one person meets all your needs and they're not supposed to. That's why we have friendships, family, community, hobbies, spirituality, creativity, solitude, right? Like that's, that's what makes life full. And the real work is learning to feel whole, to work on healing yourself, loving yourself to seeing how wonderful you genuinely are.
Speaker: If you think of your life [00:09:00] as a pizza. Your wholeness, your self-worth, your care for yourself, your connection to your own values. That's the crust. Okay? Your partners are toppings partners aren't the ingredients that you need to survive? Well, in this economy, it might feel like that, but this is not a money podcast, dad, right?
Speaker: Your partners are the toppings that make your life more delicious. So when you have a solid crust, your own wholeness. Your partners add richness and variety and excitement, and you do the same for them. Um, but without that foundation, you're just piling toppings on the table, right? There's nothing to hold it, and your crust can have thin spots and burnt spots and weird crusts on it.
Speaker: It will still be delicious. It's pizza. You can't fuck it up. It will still hold the extra cheese, even if it's not a perfect crust, right? You got this. You are delicious pizza. [00:10:00] So let's talk about what cultivating wholeness actually looks like in practice in non-monogamous relationships. Okay. Because again, it's not about being flawless, it's about having practices and awareness that bring you back to yourself, that bring you home to yourself.
Speaker: So first name, what's really missing? When that restless feeling comes up, pause and ask yourself, what am I actually needing right now? Is it connection? Is it validation? Is it sexual variety? Is it rest? Is it my own sense of worth? Who even am I right? And the more clearly you can name it, the less likely you are to project it onto your partner or outsource it to someone new.
Speaker: And again, that doesn't mean don't go on the date. It just means do a little bit of self-reflection first. Okay. Uh, the second thing is, um, self-care anchors. Wholeness is not about perfection. It's about having anchors that return you to [00:11:00] yourself. So like journaling, therapy, coaching, meditation, solo dates, moving your body, going outside, dancing, singing, creating art, right?
Speaker: These aren't things that are about fixing you. They're about reminding you that you can hold yourself steady, even when things feel wobbly in your relationships and in your life, and when you anchor into yourself regularly. You show up to your relationships more steady and less needy. Okay? Um, the third thing you need is community Beyond romance.
Speaker: You need community that isn't just romantic partners. Human beings are wired for community and variety. And that doesn't mean that every need needs to be met by your romantic partners, right? You need to build friendships, uh, find chosen family, spiritual circles, support groups, creative spaces, build community.
Speaker: One person at a time, right? These connections will nourish you. They'll nourish you in ways that no single partner ever could, and that's kind of the point [00:12:00] for us. You wanna shift the responsibility when you're working on filling your own holes, figuratively, you stop making your partners responsible for your worth.
Speaker: So instead of saying, if you don't reassure me right now, I'm never gonna feel secure. It sounds more like I'm feeling insecure, and I'd love some reassurance. Right? The first one is outsourcing. The other is sharing vulnerably, and that's a shift that changes things. Uh, five is you create freedom through wholeness.
Speaker: This is a really beautiful part. When you cultivate wholeness, you actually free your partners too. They no longer feel like they're failing you. They no longer carry the burden of being your everything. And this goes both ways, right? They get to just be themselves. That's where the deepest intimacy lives when love is chosen freely and not demanded as a patch for your holes.
Speaker: When you can choose each other for who you are, this is available for you. I promise. I already hear y'all messaging [00:13:00] me and going, well, how do I find friends? What if nobody loves me that way? Guys, I can't solve it all for you, but I can solve a lot of it for you. Okay? So. Really wholeness doesn't mean that you will never feel lonely, or you'll never feel jealous, or you'll never, never feel insecure.
Speaker: It means that you know yourself well enough to recognize what is yours to work on and what you're inviting someone else into. And when you start from that place, your relationships become the toppings that make your life richer and more delicious, and not just ingredients that you're desperately depending on to hold you together.
Speaker: Okay, so here's the big takeaway. Polyamory isn't about collecting enough people to make you feel whole. It's about cultivating wholeness within yourself and then sharing that wholeness with others because when you know what is yours to carry and what's yours to share, you stop making your partners feel like they're failing.
Speaker: You stop chasing new connections to fill old wounds. You start building relationships that are grounded and [00:14:00] joyful and sustainable, and. Let's be real here. Having multiple partners is a privilege and it's a lot of fricking work. Okay? Each of those partners comes with their own history, their own insecurities.
Speaker: Sometimes they have a wonky pizza crust as well. Maybe you can put it together and create a calzone. I don't know. But when you do your own part to build wholeness inside of yourself, you make it easier for all the people in your life to show up with more love and less fear. None of us are perfectly healed and we don't need to be.
Speaker: Okay. But if you want to feel steadier and clearer and more confident in your non-monogamous life, this is the kind of work that changes everything. This is a short, quick episode. If it resonated with you, like it, leave a comment, share it with someone who might need to hear this today, and if you are ready for support as you build your wholeness.
Speaker: As you create your pizza, I would love to walk with you and work with you, right? You can apply now for my one-to-one coaching [00:15:00] program. It's breaking free from monogamy, uh, the links in the show notes or Ellecia payne.com/breaking free, and I would be honored to help you take the next step in your journey.
Speaker: I adore you. Thank you. Bye.