Why Finding Your People Changes Everything in Non-Monogamy, Ep. 121
In non-monogamy, being misunderstood often feels like the default—and being truly seen? That’s the exception. But finding your people truly changes everything.
In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, non-monogamous love, sex, and relationship coach Ellecia Paine cracks open the emotional exhaustion of constantly explaining your relationships—especially to therapists, friends, or family who just don’t get it. She shares what real support actually looks like, how it feels in your body, and why tolerating your truth isn’t the same as honoring it.
You’ll learn:
The nervous system relief of being seen without explanation
The emotional toll of defending your relationships
A 3-part framework to stop performing and start protecting your peace:
✦ The Triage Method – who gets access to your truth
✦ The Information Diet – how much to share (and with whom)
✦ The Boundary Script – what to say when someone crosses the line
Why the right support isn’t just validating—it’s healing
How to find (or create) a space where your love doesn’t need a disclaimer
Whether you’re solo poly, partnered, or somewhere in between, this episode is your reminder that you don’t have to keep explaining yourself to feel worthy of support. You just need the right people who meet you with curiosity, not correction.
🔗 Resources & Links:
Join the “Nope! We’re Not Monogamous” Facebook Group → https://www.facebook.com/groups/156086393074950
Book a free Clarity Call with Ellecia → https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chat
Get support in Breaking Free From Monogamy → http://www.elleciapaine.com/breakingfree
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going:
If this episode gave your nervous system a big ol’ exhale, leave a review or share it with a fellow polyam pal who needs to feel seen too. And don’t forget to subscribe—because your support helps this show keep doing its thing.
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👀 Find Us Online
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
Ellecia: [00:00:00] Does it feel like your love life needs a PowerPoint presentation just to be understood? If you're exhausted from explaining your non-monogamy to everyone, including your therapist, you're not alone. Have you ever been in a conversation where someone just got it, like no long-winded disclaimers? No. Well, actually we're open, but not quite like that.
Ellecia: No. Like scanning for signs of judgment while you explain what a metamor is for the third time that week. Just real honest presence, like your truth, didn't need a permission slip. If you've experienced that even once, then you know how rare and sacred that moment is, how rare and sacred that feeling is, and if you haven't, it's coming.
Ellecia: I got you. Because in non-monogamy being misunderstood, like that can feel like the default setting. And being understood. That's the kind of safety that most of us didn't even know that we were [00:01:00] missing. So welcome back to Nope, We're Not Monogamous. I'm Ellecia Paine, your non monogamous love, sex, and relationship coach.
Ellecia: Being misunderstood isn't just annoying. It's draining and demoralizing, and honestly, it can mess with your sense of self-worth. When every conversation feels like it's a subtle, like judgment of your choices, it's hard not to feel this internalized shame. You get this like tight, sticky feeling in your chest when someone gives you that look.
Ellecia: After you mention that you have multiple partners, right? You have, uh, like you're doing mental gymnastics of prepping every sentence so that your relationship doesn't get turned into, uh, the jokes punchline or a cautionary tale. It doesn't just happen with friends and family. Sometimes it happens with people that you actually are turning to for help, right?
Ellecia: Like your therapists, coaches other professionals who just aren't versed in non-monogamy, like [00:02:00] going and asking for STI tests at your doctor's office, right? You show up looking for clarity or perspective, and instead you're doing a crash course on polyamory 1 0 1, just so that you can get to the heart of the real issue.
Ellecia: You come in hoping that. You can work on your boundaries or you can explore jealousy and instead you get a lot of questions and comments, things like, um, but, but are you sure this relationship style is actually working for you? Or, it sounds like you're just afraid of commitment, or maybe your partner just isn't meeting your needs, or this is why people should be monogamous, right?
Ellecia: You end up defending your life when you were actually just trying to live it. You end up justifying your partner's choices when you were just trying to unpack your own choices and you end up protecting your relationship from the people who are supposed to be helping you understand it. That's not support.
Ellecia: That's a lot of [00:03:00] emotional labor on top of the emotional labor you're already doing, and that's probably why the number one thing people tell me when they get on a clarity call with me is how good it feels to be heard. To not have to explain everything to feel validated instead of judged because healing can't happen in spaces where your love and your relationships are treated like that is the problem to be solved.
Ellecia: You need space where your identity doesn't have to be translated before it can be tended to, right? You need to be seen accurately. That kind of witnessing and being held, that's actually healing in itself. And our lovely monogamous culture has taught us that love should be really simple and exclusive and linear.
Ellecia: And so if your version of love and relationships doesn't fit into that mold, people assume it's your job to make it make sense for them, and it's not. [00:04:00] So you know that feeling when you're around someone who actually gets it. Your body starts relaxing before your brain even realizes what's going on. You don't have to explain your relationship like it's a TED talk.
Ellecia: You're not scanning for the signs of judgment or rehearsing your words in your head before you speak. You just get to be. You just get to exist without performing, without translating everything into a monogamous language. You don't have to brace for impact after you share what's really happening for you.
Ellecia: There's a lot of resonance there. Um, and it's the kind of safety that it doesn't even have to be announced. Like you just feel it, right? Your jaw starts slowly unclenching, your shoulders are dropping, your breath softens without you even noticing it first. It's just like this internal deep sigh.
Ellecia: A lot of times we don't even know we've been holding out for that, right? Um, and it doesn't. [00:05:00] Only happened because someone is agreeing with you or they have the exact same relationship. Map it, it happens because your truth doesn't threaten the person you're talking to, right? Your love doesn't need to be a permission slip to being in the room.
Ellecia: Um, and that kind of safety actually rewires your nervous system really deeply. It tells your nervous system. You're not in danger here. You don't have to shrink. You're not gonna die. When you start feeling that you stop settling for spaces and people that only tolerate you, and you start seeking out places and, and people in partnerships and support where you can be all of yourself without apologizing.
Ellecia: And there's a really big difference between being tolerated and being truly welcomed. And if you've ever felt that difference in your body, you know how subtle and deep it runs. Tolerance is when people say things like, I mean. If it works for you, I guess that's [00:06:00] fine with a polite smile and a, a careful nod and discomfort that never quite gets named, but you can sense it, right?
Ellecia: It's like, uh, there's a feeling that your relationships, your friendships are being held at an arm's length and, and technically they're allowed, but quietly or behind doors, they're questioned. And, and it might not feel like overtly hostile, but it's not exactly safe either. And so you find yourself choosing your words carefully, kind of walking on eggshells.
Ellecia: You share just enough, but not too much. Uh, and, and you minimize and edit the messy, tender human parts in case they make people uncomfortable. On the other hand, when you're, when, when there's belonging and acceptance, it feels warm. It, it feels like. Somebody saying, I'm so glad you shared that, or, or tell me more.
Ellecia: I wanna understand, right? There's curiosity without the suspicion. And, and when you feel belonging, you're not holding your breath. You're not wondering if the other [00:07:00] shoe is about to drop, and you're not trying to translate your life and your relationships into something that's more palatable for someone, someone else's comfort.
Ellecia: You're just there. You're in it. I know that not every space in your life is, is going to offer that they aren't, right? Like you might not find it at work, you might not find it with your family. Some longtime friends might never fully see this part of you, no matter how many times you try to explain it.
Ellecia: But at the very least, your support system, especially the people that you're paying to support your growth. Like therapists and coaches, those should feel like a space where you don't have to defend your relationships just to like gain perspective on them and process them. If you're therapist or coach or healer doesn't get not non, they don't get non-monogamy.
Ellecia: Um, it that's not just awkward, like it's, it can be counterproductive. You deserve to have care that understands the context of your life without making that context the [00:08:00] problem because. Nobody is meant to spend their lives shrinking so that other people can stay comfortable. You get to want more than tolerance.
Ellecia: You get to want a feeling of being home. And when you've been on the defensive for so long, even one like little moment of truly feeling understood can, can feel like, I don't know, like water when you've been wandering the desert, right? It's kind of disorienting, but in a really good way. You don't always realize how much energy that you've been spending filtering what you say.
Ellecia: Prepping for pushback, trying to make your relationships make sense to someone else who's never lived them. And then someone says, I get it. And your whole body softens. And honestly, when people come to me, uh, for a clarity call or to work with me, it's rarely about figuring out the perfect boundary script or how to schedule more efficiently.
Ellecia: Um, usually the first thing that they talk [00:09:00] about. What surprises them is the relief of being heard, right? They say things like, I didn't realize how heavy this had been feeling until I, until I was able to say it all and just be heard or like, like they say that like, you get it. I don't have to explain every piece of this.
Ellecia: This already feels better than my last three therapists. Right? And I do get it. When you've been carrying the weight of always needing to explain or defend or translate your experience, that kind of connection can feel like your first deep breath in months. And it's not just the validation, it's not just being witnessed accurately.
Ellecia: It's that you don't have to brace for judgment or tiptoe around assumptions. You don't have to protect your partner or water down your desires to be taken seriously. You get to show up fully in all of your complexity. If you get to be met with curiosity and care instead of being corrected, and that is what informed non-judgmental support should feel like.
Ellecia: And when you find it, it changes what you [00:10:00] expect from the rest of your support system, right? You get to stop settling for conversations that leave you like, like second guessing yourself. You can create relationships where you're not just seen, but you are understood. So where do you find these people that you don't need a TED Talk?
Ellecia: To, uh, to get them to understand your relationship. Not everyone will get it. That's okay. Some people will, and when they do, you'll feel it. So you wanna start by paying attention to how your body responds about someone, not what they post or not, how polished their polyamory sounds, but what it feels like to be in their presence.
Ellecia: Right? Do you catch yourself bracing or do you find yourself soften even just a little bit? Your nervous system is wise, okay? It often knows before your brain does. So you wanna look for things like emotional fluency, not just people who under like get the lingo, but people who ask thoughtful questions, who hold space when things get messy, [00:11:00] who don't immediately make your experiences about them.
Ellecia: So people who can hear your truth, hear what, what you're saying that's different from their own without trying to debate it. There are folks who can actually walk beside you without just watching from the sidelines, and sometimes finding them is hard. Sometimes your city feels too small. Sometimes your existing community isn't quite there yet.
Ellecia: Sometimes you are the first domino in your friend group to step into this way of relating, and that can feel really lonely. But feeling lonely doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, okay? It means you're ahead of the curve. If you can't find a space that feels like a fit, you are allowed to create one. You can host a hangout or a meetup, you can start group chats.
Ellecia: You can make awkward first moves, or you can come join a group that's already growing, right? Like, I have a Facebook group, but same name as the podcast. Nope, we're not monogamous. And that is a space exactly like this, where there's real [00:12:00] conversations, no judgment. People who are navigating non-monogamy, um, with, you know, their whole hearts and a whole lot of curiosity.
Ellecia: It's, it's definitely not perfect, but it's real. And you're welcome there. Um, you know, because we don't, we don't always have community handed to us. Sometimes we have to grow it piece by piece. It's really hard to make friends as an adult. Uh, and sometimes we have to become the safe space we wish we had.
Ellecia: And sometimes by doing that, we become, or we end up becoming exactly what someone else needed too. And. Transitioning into non-monogamy can bring up all of our deepest insecurities, our attachment wounds, especially since we don't have the usual scripts of monogamy to lean on. When you're already feeling vulnerable, having to defend your choices to someone who's unsupportive, that feels like you're trying to heal a wound, that someone keeps poking and it's freaking exhausting, right?
Ellecia: Like you're, you're draining your batteries, trying to fight battles that were never, you weren't meant to fight those. [00:13:00] So how do we stop fighting those battles and find your people and, and, and, and discern where the support is gonna come from? The answer isn't to build higher walls or get louder in our arguments, right?
Ellecia: Get louder. Defending ourselves. The answer is to become more discerning and, um, you know, your, your story is a gift. Not everyone has earned the right to receive it. This can be a really big shift, moving from the strategy of trying to convince people to a strategy of connecting with the right people and protecting your piece.
Ellecia: When connection is not available, it's not on the table. So I'm gonna give you a three-part framework, okay? Here's a little toolkit I'm gonna give you. You're gonna get the triage method, the information diet, and the boundary script, cutesy little names, but it helps you remember the triage method first. I want you to imagine sorting everyone in your life into three separate groups, okay?
Ellecia: And you don't have to be judgmental. This is just being [00:14:00] realistic about who can hold your truth safely. Who can, who can exist alongside your relationship safely. So the first group is the safe harbor. These are your people, okay? They might not totally get non-monogamy. They care. They lead with love and respect.
Ellecia: They're genuinely curious. They believe you. They care more about your happiness than like the discomfort that might come up for them. These are your friends who say, you know, I don't fully understand, but I see how happy you are, and that's all that matters, people that you can be your whole messy, wonderful self with.
Ellecia: Okay. I've been really lucky to have several of these. Hopefully you have at least one or two. The second group are the questioners. These are the people who are hesitant. Um, maybe con, maybe they're confused or a little scared about how you love and relate. They might ask clum clumsy questions or repeat the myths that they've heard online.
Ellecia: But, and this is key, they are [00:15:00] capable and willing to learn. They're open even if they're uninformed. Think of, maybe you have parents who just wanna know you're okay, or a friend who is genuinely concerned about you, but they're a little awkward. These people require a little bit of patience, but they have the potential to become part of your safe harbor.
Ellecia: Or maybe it's a therapist or a coach who, um, is totally open to learning more, although I would caution you against spending your money and time to teach a professional. Okay, so then you have group three. This is the hostile territory, and these are the people who are not safe. Their questions are like.
Ellecia: Accusations in disguise, or they meet your vulnerability with judgment or criticism or gossip. They aren't interested in understanding you. They just, they, they actually just wanna be right. And trying to explain yourself to them is gonna feel like, uh, you're trying to fill up a bucket that has a giant hole in the middle, in the [00:16:00] bottom of it, right?
Ellecia: It's a waste of your time and energy. So your first job is to be brutally honest with yourself about who belongs where. The heavy lifting, the emotional labor of explaining should be reserved almost exclusively for the second group, the questioners who prove that they're willing to learn. And for everyone else, we're gonna move on to step two, which is the information diet.
Ellecia: Not everyone deserves a front row seat to your life. You get to be the curator of your own story. You get to decide what to share and how much. I'm not talking about being dishon dis dishonest. This is strategic self preservation. So for the first group, your safe harbor folks, share freely. Talk about the joys, the struggles, the messy parts.
Ellecia: You can cry on their shoulder after a hard day of jealousy and celebrate with them when you're like overflowing. With Compersion, they get the full story 'cause they've earned it and they're supportive. Okay, for the questioners, the second group. You're gonna put them on an [00:17:00] information diet. You give them small digestible bites.
Ellecia: You don't have to teach a full like polyamory 1 0 1 course over dinner. Just start with some simple, relatable facts and truths. Uh, for example, you might say, like, for me, love isn't a finite resource. The love I have for one person doesn't subtract from the love I have for another. Just like a parent has enough love for all of their children.
Ellecia: We've all heard this one. You give them just enough to satisfy their core concern without opening the floor for a debate. And then for the third group, the hostile territory, they get nothing. They get a total information blackout. You don't owe them an explanation. You don't owe them a debate. You don't owe them drama and gossip.
Ellecia: Your life is not public property, period. So this brings us to our final, the most powerful tool here. And that is, uh, the boundary script. A boundary isn't a wall that you build [00:18:00] up to punish other people. A boundary is a line that you draw to protect yourself. Okay? You're not controlling them. It's divine defining what you will and you won't accept in your own life.
Ellecia: So when someone from the hostile territory, or maybe a questioner who's pushing it crosses the line, you need a phrase ready to go, right? You just have a few. Replies in your back pocket so that you don't get flustered or caught off guard. So I'll give you a few that you can steal and you can make them your own, obviously.
Ellecia: So for nosy, intrusive questions, you might say like, I appreciate your curiosity, but that part of my life is private and I'm not gonna discuss the details. If someone's giving you unsolicited advice or like thinly veiled judgment. You can say, I can see that you feel strongly about this, but this is what works for us, and it's not up for a debate.
Ellecia: Or you can just shut them down elegantly and simply thanks for your concern, but we're [00:19:00] really happy and the most powerful boundary of all. Change the subject. Ask a question about them, or better yet, just walk away. You can say all of these calmly and firmly. You don't have to be aggressive. Your piece is the prize that you win, right?
Ellecia: And you can repeat them like a mantra if you have to. Um, these people will eventually learn that this topic is a dead end. And when you put these tools into practice, it feels weird at first, especially if you're a people pleaser. I get it. It's really hard to not just answer people's questions and that get then get defensive and then get upset, but every time that you set a boundary, you're choosing your own wellbeing.
Ellecia: You're telling yourself my piece is more important than their approval because it is. So I want to know what's been the hardest part of this for you? Is it like family dinners, chats with friends, going to the doctor, talking to your therapist, something else entirely [00:20:00] like shared in the comments. Just reading through them is like a powerful reminder that you aren't going through this alone.
Ellecia: The communities that we're creating. This is your safe harbor. Ultimately, a relationship that requires so much defending to the outside world needs an equal amount of nurturing on the inside of it, right? Your, your energy's a finite resource. You only have so much of it and every drop of it that you spend trying to justify your existence to someone that's in that hostile territory group.
Ellecia: That's a drop. You can't spend communicating with your partners, nurturing your connections, or doing work to feel secure in your own self. In your own heart. And the most like radical act of rebellion against the stigma of non-monogamy is to have happy, healthy, thriving relationships. Okay? Your goal is not to be tolerated.
Ellecia: Tolerance is passive. It's conditional. Your goal is to be seen for who you are. That feeling [00:21:00] of relief. The deep nervous system level calm that comes with being truly seen by someone who gets it. That is a really beautiful experience and that's where your focus belongs. So find communities, friends and chosen family that, and support systems that give you that feeling, okay, stop trying to fit into the role of someone else's narrow idea of a valid life.
Ellecia: It won't satisfy you. Your relationship isn't a problem that needs to be solved. It's your reality that you're living. So let those people wonder. Let them disapprove. Let them stay confused. I haven't even read the Let Them Theory book. I just like, really, this is, this is important, right? Those, those people's judgment is a mirror reflecting their own limitations and their own fears, and it's not a measurement of your love or your worth, or your value or your likeability.
Ellecia: And so your job is to turn away from that [00:22:00] noise and look into the eyes of the people you love, who care about you, and, and build relationships that are full of joy and respect and security so that all those outside opinions don't shake you. If you've been navigating non-monogamy while carrying all the weight of like editing yourself and second guessing, or wondering if you're doing it wrong.
Ellecia: I want you to know that you don't have to keep twisting yourself into shapes to stay connected. You don't have to dilute your desires. You don't have to dilute your truth to feel safe. You don't have to keep figuring this all out on your own. I used to absolutely perform my way into connection. I thought if I was chill enough, sexy enough, agreeable enough, funny enough, then people would like me and choose me and stay.
Ellecia: What I really wanted was to be seen for who I actually am, not the version I was working so hard to curate. I'm a little bit of a weirdo and I'm [00:23:00] definitely slutty and I say really fucking awkward things and it wasn't until I started showing up as myself with confidence and clarity that that then the right people actually started showing up for me too.
Ellecia: Not just in romantic relationships, but like in my whole support system, my friendships, my community. The people that I paid to support me, right? That, that's when connections started to feel like something I could trust and not something I had to constantly earn. And that's what I do with my clients and that's why I created Breaking Free from Monogamy.
Ellecia: It's not just about, uh, like relationship logistics or jealousy tools. This program is, is to build real security in yourself, your agreements, your connections, your confidence so that you can live. A version of relationships, non monogamous, monogamous, doesn't matter. You live a version of relationships that works for you, so whether you're like you're just beginning to open up or you're already deep in it and wondering [00:24:00] if it's supposed to feel this hard, this is the work I'll invite you into.
Ellecia: Okay? You get personalized coaching, real strategies, tools that support and meet you exactly where you're at with no shame, no judgment, without having to educate your your coach first. We cover everything from boundary setting to emotional safety, communication scripts to sexual health, how to handle mismatched desires without abandoning yourself or blowing up your relationships.
Ellecia: Because actually the truth is that non-monogamy can be really expansive and joyful, but only when you feel resourced and grounded in yourself, in who you are, stable in your relationships. And so if you want to feel grounded in your relationship agreements, in your connections with your partners, if you wanna feel more like yourself in the whole process, the links in the show notes, you can join us.
Ellecia: It's uh, Elleciapaine.com. Um, you don't have to keep doing this alone. You sure as hell don't have to keep [00:25:00] pretending that you're fine when, when you're just trying to hold it all together, right? You can get support that actually fits your life. So if this hits home, uh, go to my website. If you wanna keep hearing these kind of episodes and conversations, follow the show, drop a review, the little stars mean the world in podcast land.
Ellecia: Thanks, bye.