You’re Not Wrong for Wanting More: Let’s End That Lie, Ep. 120
Do you worry that your desires make you “too much”?
Like wanting more connection, more honesty, or more love means something is wrong with you?
You're not broken—you’re just becoming.
In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m getting all the way real about the internalized guilt so many of us carry when we crave “more” in our relationships. More connection. More truth. More you. And especially inside non-monogamy, where wanting more can trigger every insecurity we’ve ever inherited from monogamy culture.
🔍 We’re unpacking:
Why wanting more doesn’t make you greedy—it makes you honest
The myth of being “enough” in non-monogamy and why it’s total B.S.
How monogamous conditioning gaslights our desire and shrinks our relationships
What “enough” actually means—and why it’s YOUR definition that matters
Why non-monogamy isn’t inherently chaotic (but support + tools matter)
How to let go of the shame and build relationships that are truthful, not performative
✨ If you’ve been asking yourself, “Am I selfish for wanting more?” or “Would they still want others if I were enough?”—this one’s for you. And spoiler: no, you're not selfish. You're self-aware.
Mentioned in this episode:
👉 My 3-month coaching program Breaking Free From Monogamy—for folks ready to stop surviving and start creating love on your terms. Learn more at elleciapaine.com
If this episode made your heart exhale…
➡️ Leave a review.
➡️ Share it with someone who needs to hear it.
➡️ Or DM me on Instagram @elleciapaine and tell me what hit.
Because you’re not too much. You’re just ready to stop pretending crumbs are enough.
And that? That’s the beginning of something real.
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
Ellecia: [00:00:00] If you've ever felt like wanting more made you too much, this is free. You've probably heard it or felt it. It's that whisper that says, if you need more, maybe something's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you, I promise. We've been told that good love is neat. It's exclusive, it's contained. But what if your desires, you're like longing for more connection, more honesty, more.
You, authentically you. What if those aren't a problem to fix, but a truth for you to follow? Welcome back to, Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm Ellecia Paine. You're non-monogamous, love, sex, and relationship coach. Thanks for joining me. So culture conditions us to believe that one person should complete us, right?
Like that. Anything more than that is automatically a betrayal. Um, but wholeness doesn't come in a single container. Neither does love, right? So let's talk about the lie that we're all told. [00:01:00] You know, the one, it's that lie that says, if you were really happy, you wouldn't need more. If you loved your partner enough, you wouldn't want anyone else.
If you were grateful, this would be enough. Ooh, that, that last one, right? Uh, you should be grateful. That is the voice that gaslights your longing, your desires, that that voice confuses gratitude with silence. But I wanna give you a little truth here. Desires aren't a red flag, okay? Your desires are a compass.
They are leading you somewhere and craving more doesn't make you selfish. It means that your truth is getting louder than your fears. And if we get even more honest, you don't want more because something is broken. Because you're broken. You want more because you're being honest about what you need and what you [00:02:00] desire.
While we're being honest, let's name, um, one of another, one of the really hard thoughts that people carry into non-monogamy, which is the other side of this. If I were enough, they wouldn't want someone else. Right? That one stinks. That one I've, I've felt that a lot, but it's not true. Right? We've been taught, most of us have been taught our whole lives.
We've been taught our whole lives, that being the only one is proof that we are lovable or proof that we're valuable, or proof that we're the best or that we've won. But in reality, love and desire aren't limited resources, and they aren't proof of value or worthiness. Someone wanting another connection does not mean that you are lacking.
It doesn't mean. It doesn't automatically mean that they love you less, and it definitely doesn't automatically mean that you're being replaced. It does mean that they have the [00:03:00] capacity to experience more than one relationship, and that can exist right alongside deep love for you. You're not competing, you are enough.
This isn't about earning your place, it's about creating a relationship model where everyone gets, to be honest, including you. I know sometimes it feels like these are big. Uh, universal statements, but they don't apply to everyone, right? They don't apply to everyone, and not everyone is doing things ethically, and not everyone is doing things in a way that that serves all the people involved, but for the most part, what I'm saying holds true.
Let's talk about where that. Those ideas come from, right? We are raised inside a system like culturally, socially, sometimes spiritually. That tells us that real love is contained. It's neat, it's exclusive, and if it's not monogamous, it's dangerous or messy or greedy or irresponsible or bad. We're told that love should live in one body, [00:04:00] one house, one relationship.
But what if your love doesn't fit inside that box? What if wholeness for you? Never was never meant to live in a single container. Having more desiring more isn't automatically chaotic. It, it has some clarity to it, right? Like non-monogamy gets a bad rap as being chaotic. Crazy, messy, dramatic. And if you go into it with no support, no tools, a whole lot of fear, sure it can feel insane, it can feel like a whirlwind.
But when it's done with intention, with clarity, with good communication, with solid foundations. Support. It can be done in a really grounding, in, in an grounding, expansive, trust filled version of love, more so than anything you've experienced in the past. And that's not because it makes your relationships easier, but because you're being honest and you're being real with yourself, with your people, with your patterns and that [00:05:00] honesty, that truthfulness is.
Is where safety is formed. It's where that safety lives. It's where we actually start to feel really freaking good. I can't tell you how many times I've sat with clients who say, I love my partner, but I also want more. What does that say about me? Am I selfish? Am I greedy? Am I ungrateful? Do I still love them?
And the assumption underneath the question is painful. It's this belief that if you want more, something must be wrong with you. You're disloyal or damaged or selfish, but the truth is that you are not any of those things probably, or maybe you're a little bit of those things, but not because of this, right?
Really, you're just questioning a system that told you that your needs weren't allowed. Your desires are not okay, and there's a massive difference between choosing monogamy because it genuinely fits you and performing monogamy because you're afraid of what it would mean to [00:06:00] want something else. One is empowered, the other is survival.
And you deserve better than just survival mode in your love life. You really do. So what does enough enough in quotations mean to you? Right? This is, this is actually a real important part of the work. What does enough mean to you? Not what your parents believed, not what your friends think is healthy, not what a therapist once suggested when they didn't understand your relationship structure.
What is your version? Your version of enough? Is it one person who sees your full truth without needing you to shrink or translate? Is it a poly keel that allows you to be loved in multiple dimensions, in different ways instead of squeezing all your needs into one connection or into one box? One contain?
Is it emotional intimacy that doesn't require physical exclusivity? Is it spaciousness with trust or deep devotion without control? [00:07:00] Is it swinging? Is it friends with benefits? Is it A-B-D-S-M? Even though you have a partner who has zero interest in key, for some people enough means predictability, and for others it means freedom.
For you, it might be fluid or evolving or layered. There's literally no right answer. There's only your answer and you don't know anyone. An explanation for what makes your nervous system exhale. You don't have to justify why your version of love feels better than the one you were taught. You just get to name it and claim it.
So I wanna give you a permission slip to stop performing someone else's version of enough and start living inside your own version of enough, more. Doesn't actually have to be messy, right? Let's get real for a second. Non-monogamy isn't all sparkles and group hugs, you've probably already figured that out.
It takes tools, it takes communication that goes way beyond. Just be honest, it [00:08:00] takes, uh, nervous system regulation, not just good intentions. It takes boundaries. It takes and using your boundaries as scaffolding, not punishment, right? Uh, it takes a hell of a lot of self-awareness. You don't stumble into healthy non-monogamy by accident.
You build it and you practice it and you mess up and you try again, and you have conversations about it and you see what works and what doesn't. But the part that a lot of people miss is when it's built with care and with clarity and mutual responsibility, it's not that messy actually, it's, it's pretty liberating.
It's not just like a constant state of jealousy management or emotional chaos or processing all night long. It's really like an invitation to show up more fully as yourself in all of your relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself when you can ground it in, uh, truth and honesty and trust, and have the tools, non-monogamy can feel really expansive and affirming [00:09:00] and safe.
And that's not because it's easy, but because it's real, it's authentic, it feels appropriate, and honestly, that's worth everything, right. That's worth so freaking much. It's so valuable to be able to walk through the world as yourself as who you really are. Non-monogamy, done with care can actually deepen love rather than diluted, right?
It helps you stop outsourcing your worth to someone else's exclusivity. It gives you the space to hear your own truths louder than, than your fear. It invites you to love without possession, to trust, without surveillance, to stay connected without collapsing your identity into someone else's, without becoming codependent.
And it, it helps you grow your own self-trust because instead of trying to get approval, you are showing up as your full self and you learn over time. You can [00:10:00] hold more than one truth. You contain multitude. You can feel desire and devotion at the same time. You can love someone deeply and still want other kinds of connection, and when you stop trying to control love, you start creating space for it.
And something really crazy happens there. You actually start to feel more secure and, and that's the security doesn't come from being chosen in every moment, but because you are choosing yourself in every moment, non-monogamy, polyamory, all of this, it doesn't have to be a constant state of managing drama and managing insecurity.
You don't have to feel like you're walking a tightrope of emotional labor just to survive the week. If you've been carrying around the fear that wanting more makes you selfish. Or if you've been stuck in a spiral of thinking, if I were enough, they wouldn't need anyone else, then this is your permission slip.
I'm giving you permission to lay that story down, not because it's gonna magically disappear overnight tonight. [00:11:00] It's not. Um, but you are allowed, you're allowed to outgrow the beliefs that were never yours to begin with, that somebody else told you to have. And I know how hard it feels. Untangling these narratives, these stories is really tender work, but on the other side of it, it's so fricking liberating and the space where your truth is louder than your shame, that is where everything changes.
You're not broken, you're probably not being replaced. You're definitely not too much. You are just probably more, you're re you're ready to love more, honestly, more fully, more. You Lee? Yeah. I'm gonna make that a word. And that is enough. Okay, so I'm gonna give you your next steps. Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to write down, yeah, actually write it. What more or enough means to you and not what you think you're supposed to want, not what would be easiest for your partner to hear? Not what would, what would be [00:12:00] best for everyone, but you. Not what would get you approval. I want your more and your enough.
What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it taste like? What does it smell like? What kinda love, space, connection, freedom, or care are you craving? No justifying, no shrinking. No apologizing. Just one honest page of your truth. And that's where clarity starts happening. And clarity is how we build relationships that feel like home, that have security, that have safety, that feel.
Amazing. And if this episode stirred something in you, come talk to me. My, uh, three month coaching program, breaking free from monogamy, is where we do exactly this kinda work. We start telling the truth, we start dismantling shame. We build the love that fits your actual self, not the version that you've been showing, showing everyone, not the masks, right.
So the links in the show notes, or you can head to elleciapaine.com. To find that, and if this [00:13:00] episode landed for you, leave a review, share it, subscribe, DM me. I wanna know what part actually hit you in the heart. Okay? Until next time, take a few deep breaths. Keep sharing your truth, and you're now broken.
Don't forget that you're becoming the absolute best version of yourself. Bye.