You Don’t Have to Be the ‘Chill Poly Partner’ to Deserve Love, Ep. 117
Feeling like the “easy one” in your polycule?
Always chill, never the squeaky wheel?
This episode is your permission slip to stop shrinking for connection.
We’re breaking down what it means to disappear inside non-monogamy, why boundaries aren’t selfish, and how to recognize when your emotional self-silencing isn’t maturity—it’s survival.
👉 Topics covered:
What emotional self-abandonment looks like in Ethical Non Monogamy
How "being chill" becomes a trap
The difference between inclusion and being held
Real stories from non-monogamous clients + my own experience
Why you don’t need to squeak louder to get greased
The truth about interdependence vs codependence
💬 If you’ve been wondering:
“Why do I feel invisible in my relationship?”
“Am I bad at polyamory?”
“Do my needs even matter here?”
This conversation is for you.
🔔 Subscribe for more honest, nuanced, and no-BS conversations about ethical non-monogamy, boundaries, and becoming your whole self in love.
👇 Ready to take up space in your relationships?
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👀 Find Us Online
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] Ellecia: Something feels off in your relationship. You're showing up and being thoughtful. You're trying to do non-monogamy the right way. You're getting space and being flexible and checking all the boxes, but underneath it, you feel like you aren't the one in the relationship. Like you're technically there, right?
[00:00:16] Ellecia: But your needs, your voice, your presence. Somewhere along the line, you started shrinking. And not because someone told you to, but because being low maintenance felt safer than being real. So if you've ever felt like the quiet one, the one who doesn't need much, then this episode is for you because being loved should not require you to van.
[00:00:39] Ellecia: Hey friends, welcome back to, Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm Ellecia Paine, your non-monogamous relationship coach. And today's episode is for anyone who's ever felt like they need to be the chill partner in their poly fuel, the one who doesn't rock the boat, the one who's easy to schedule around, the one who says, no worries, when actually there are worries.
[00:00:58] Ellecia: And today I wanna offer you one [00:01:00] big takeaway from this episode. You don't have to disappear to be loved. You don't have to water yourself down to keep your relationship steady being seen as not a liability. It's your right. So let's start here. What does disappearing actually look like in non-monogamy?
[00:01:16] Ellecia: Maybe it looks like canceling your need for reassurance because you don't wanna seem needy. Or maybe it's going along with agreements that feel kind of off because you're scared to be the one who speaks up. Maybe you've played the cool poly person roll so hard that you forgot what you actually need, and here's where it gets even trickier.
[00:01:36] Ellecia: I see clients all the time gaslight themselves into silence. Like they say things like, I just need to get better at Compersion. Or Maybe I am just too sensitive for this, or Maybe I'm too insecure for this. Maybe I'm being too much. Or if I were more emotionally evolved, if I were more mature than this [00:02:00] wouldn't bother me.
[00:02:02] Ellecia: Maybe I'm just monogamous, although I don't think I am. Right. Uh, so, so let's get this straight. Emotional pain does not mean that you're failing at non-monogamy. Emotional pain comes with all relationship structures, okay? But it might mean something about the dynamic isn't working for you. Sometimes the structure needs to change.
[00:02:27] Ellecia: Sometimes a partner's behavior is painful, even if it technically fits into the agreements that you've made. Sometimes you are not broken. You're just finally honest enough to feel what isn't aligned for you. And this, this isn't just people pleasing, right? This is like self abandonment, rest up as emotional maturity, and it's way more common than people talk about.
[00:02:55] Ellecia: So honestly, your feelings are not obstacles to other people's freedom. [00:03:00] I must say that again. Your feelings are not obstacles to other people's freedom or happiness, especially in, um, in ethical non-monogamy, consensual non-monogamy polyamory we're taught to value autonomy a lot, and that's beautiful, but sometimes we start to twist that value into, uh, silence and repression.
[00:03:22] Ellecia: We tell ourselves, if I really cared about my partner's autonomy, I wouldn't feel hurt. I certainly wouldn't express it. Or even worse, if I say something about my pain, then I'm being controlling. But emotional honesty isn't control, right? Like saying this is really hard for me is not the same thing as saying you can't do that, you're not allowed.
[00:03:47] Ellecia: Right? It's, it's you showing up as a whole human person and not just a background character in someone else's love story. You're allowed to feel jealous. You're allowed to feel scared. [00:04:00] You're allowed to say, mm-hmm. I know we agreed on this, but it's landing differently than I expected. That doesn't make you a problem, that makes you in process, it makes you human.
[00:04:13] Ellecia: It's so normal, and I really, I wanna clarify if you're the partner hearing those words from your partner. What I want you to know is that expression of pain is not usually a power move, right? It's not usually a trap. It's not codependence, it's not meant to control you. It's actually an invitation into interdependence where both people get to be human, where impact matters, where, um, emotional needs aren't seen as threats.
[00:04:46] Ellecia: Like if, if you were codependent, codependency says, I'm not okay unless you change, but interdependence is more like, I'm okay. And I wanna share with you how [00:05:00] this impacts me because this relationship matters. Like I'm, I'm willing to go through this, but I wanna be seen and heard. And when your partner's sharing their hurt, it's not to restrict you usually.
[00:05:11] Ellecia: It's to stay connected with you, and the goal is not control. The goal is understanding, being seen, being heard, being understood. So instead of responding with getting defensive or being scared, always try to go for curiosity. You can ask questions. What's coming up for you? Ask, what do you need right now?
[00:05:34] Ellecia: Or Do you know what you need right now? Ask, how can we. Hold this, talk about this, support this without making either of us wrong. How can we move through this without making either of us wrong or bad? Because when you meet vulnerability with curiosity, that's when non-monogamy like really thrives when you build resilience in your relationships and in yourself, right?
[00:05:58] Ellecia: Um, it's not when [00:06:00] everyone feels nothing, but when everyone feels safe to bring their truth to the relationship. One of my clients, we're gonna call him Jordan. Uh, one of my clients once said that he thought if he just stayed calm, if he didn't ask for too much, if he gave everyone space, things would just smooth out.
[00:06:20] Ellecia: They would just work themselves out. You might know how well that works. Uh, so instead of peace, he ended up feeling like a background character. In his relationships, he wound up feeling like, what was it, the point of him even being there, right? What he didn't realize was that his partners had no idea how much he was holding in because he was really good at not being a problem.
[00:06:41] Ellecia: He was really good at holding it in. Uh, when we started working together, he admitted that he didn't even know how to ask for what he needed, which I hear all the time, right? And it's not because he didn't have needs. He just thought that needing less made him more lovable, made him easier to love, [00:07:00] made sure that his partners wouldn't leave him.
[00:07:03] Ellecia: So we started really small. We started by like naming the discomfort that he was feeling and started sharing the feelings before they turned into emotional shutdown. And the result of that, what happened from that is his relationships didn't fall apart. They got more real, they got deeper, more connected.
[00:07:24] Ellecia: His partners were like, thanks for telling me. I didn't know you felt that way. And that's the shift. A lot of us need, it's not being louder, it's not being more dramatic, it's just being honest. So many of us have learned throughout our lives that, um, emotional needs create drama, and we think that like love is something that we have to earn by being easy, by being unbothered, but real connection, the kind that's worth sustaining.
[00:07:54] Ellecia: Makes room for the complicated parts of us, the whole of us, because we're whole [00:08:00] complicated humans. You, you don't have to hide your truth to be worthy of love, to be polyamorous, to be non-monogamous, you just have to bring it to the table with some courage, right? It takes some courage and some care and compassion.
[00:08:12] Ellecia: You gotta be nice to people, but you have to share what's really going on for you. So, uh, let's talk about boundaries. Because this is a word that is so misunderstood, especially in the non-monogamous community. Somewhere along the way we got the idea that having boundaries makes us controlling or rigid or emotionally fragile, but boundaries are not about control.
[00:08:40] Ellecia: They're genuinely, they're about clarity. They're how you stay in relationship with yourself while you're in relationship with others. And honestly, the truth is that boundaries protect intimacy. Without them. Resentment really starts to build up. Miscommunication grows suddenly. You're not saying [00:09:00] what you feel, you're like leaking it all over the place.
[00:09:02] Ellecia: Um, and we resent our partners because they didn't know what we needed, even though we didn't say what we needed. So I wanna break down the difference here. Control. Is when you try to shape someone else's behavior to reduce your own discomfort. And, and the key here is to be honest with yourself. What is it that you're really wanting?
[00:09:23] Ellecia: Right? Boundaries are when you name what you will or won't participate in based on what honors your wellbeing. So, uh, some examples in non-monogamy. Might sound like I care about what you're experiencing and I wanna be there for you, but I can't be your primary emotional processor about your other partners.
[00:09:48] Ellecia: Can we find other ways for you to get support that don't rely solely on me? Um, it might look like I'm noticing that I feel unsafe when we change plans last minute [00:10:00] without a check-in. So can we revisit how we schedule things? Another one. Might be, I'm happy to meet your new partner eventually, but I need a few weeks to settle before we jump into a, a shared space like that.
[00:10:16] Ellecia: None of these are about controlling your partner or anybody else really. These are about expressing your own limits, your own preferences, your own pacing, and it's not you being inflexible. This is you being rooted like grounded. When you are rooted in your own boundaries, desires, limits, you're more available for real connection.
[00:10:43] Ellecia: Connection that is mutual and respectful and doesn't require self-sacrifice. And if someone is responding to your boundaries with defensiveness, withdrawal blame, that does not mean that your boundary is wrong, [00:11:00] okay? It means that it's doing its job. It's showing you where your self-respect is. Meeting someone else's discomfort boundaries actually invite more alignment.
[00:11:11] Ellecia: They show you who in your life, who in your world is willing to meet you in the middle, and they also show you who just wanted access to you. When I say access, what I mean is people who are more invested in what you provide, what you do for them, or give them than in who you actually are. In non-monogamy that might look like wanting your flexibility, your calm, your emotional labor, without offering reciprocal care.
[00:11:43] Ellecia: It might look like loving how you accommodate or keep the peace, but resisting. When you express your own needs, it might look like, um, treating you like the poly glue, like the default safe space instead of a whole person with your own [00:12:00] bandwidth and boundaries. Access is not the same as intimacy and a relationship that needs you to shrink, to stay connected, to stay in it.
[00:12:11] Ellecia: That's not connection, that's extraction, that's taking from you. So we wanna unhook the idea that being good at non-monogamy means being endlessly available, always flexible, and totally okay with everything. Nope, nope. Being good at non-monogamy doesn't mean you feel nothing. Okay? It means you're honest.
[00:12:34] Ellecia: It means you're messy and accountable. It means you respect yourself enough to name what is true for you, even if it complicates the conversation, even if it complicates the relationship. Maturity isn't about being easy. It's about integrity and boundaries are a part of that integrity. So I wanna get really clear about something that comes up all the [00:13:00] time in non-monogamy.
[00:13:01] Ellecia: That is, it's all related. Okay? Being included is not the same as being held. Being seen, or just because your name is on the shared calendar doesn't mean your needs are being honored. Just because you're looped into the group chat or invited to family events doesn't mean your presence is being respected.
[00:13:18] Ellecia: Just because someone says I love you doesn't mean that they're tending to and caring for that love. Being included. This is proximity, but being held is presence. Okay. I'll give you some examples because this, this is a hard one. Inclusion might look like being invited to dinner, but no one checking in about how that new dynamic is feeling for you.
[00:13:42] Ellecia: Maybe you're getting like poly Q wide updates, but no one is pausing to ask, how are you doing with all of this? Or maybe. It's having your relationship publicly acknowledged, which is awesome, but in private, it's actually being deprioritized [00:14:00] versus being held. Being really held in your relationship would look like someone noticing when your energy is shifting and carrying enough to ask, right?
[00:14:12] Ellecia: Or your feelings being taken into account before decisions are made. Being held might look like not having to fight for visibility or justify your need for being cared, being, being cared for, being held right. Um, we're so often taught to accept inclusion being included it as the highest possible offer.
[00:14:38] Ellecia: Especially if we're newer in a poly, if we're solo poly, or outside of a nesting structure. If you aren't living with your partner, just being included seems to be like the highest thing you can get, but just being allowed in the room is not enough. You deserve to feel like your presence matters like, like your voice has weight.
[00:14:58] Ellecia: You deserve to feel that your [00:15:00] experience of the relationship counts not just as a bonus feature, but as part of the foundation. You don't have to accept table scraps of presence. You're not asking for too much when you ask to be considered to be cherished or checked in on even. And I, I wanna be honest here, I have, I have lived this, okay?
[00:15:21] Ellecia: I, I remember a time when I was really struggling deeply, but I didn't make any noise about it. And my metamor, bless her, was way more vocal, way more visibly distressed, way more insistent. My partner, he responded to the loudest voice in the room, which makes so much freaking sense. It wasn't because he didn't care about me, he really cared.
[00:15:44] Ellecia: But it's just that like in a, a poly system full of moving parts, urgency often gets mistaken for priority. And I've always prided myself in being really strong. I can handle this. I internalized that. I told myself she needs more support right now than I do. [00:16:00] I didn't wanna be a burden. I was the one that lived with him.
[00:16:03] Ellecia: I, and felt like she was at a disadvantage and I didn't wanna mess with their happiness. So I, I played small. I made myself quiet. I convinced myself that me having a hard time was less valid because I wasn't falling apart out loud. But being silent isn't neutrality. It doesn't mean I wasn't having feelings and making space for someone else shouldn't mean that you disappear, right?
[00:16:30] Ellecia: I wasn't in the way of their happiness. I just wasn't taking up the space that I deserved in the dynamic. And it's not because they told me I couldn't. Okay. I wanna be clear. I was doing that. That was me. And that kind of erasure is, it's not a personality trait, it's a survival strategy. It's a survival strategy that I've had to unlearn.
[00:16:53] Ellecia: And maybe you're unlearning it too. It definitely wasn't serving me. I remember [00:17:00] thinking the squeaky wheel gets the, gets the grease, and then I immediately felt like, Ugh, wait, I, why do I have to squeak louder just to get care? Why do I have to be. Loud and dramatic in order for, for someone to like look at me and, and ask how I'm doing, right.
[00:17:20] Ellecia: I didn't wanna break down just to feel visible. I didn't wanna collapse to be heard. I didn't want to mess with their happiness. And that moment, that thing that I said, I don't wanna have to squeak louder to get, uh, to get to get greased. I don't wanna have to be allowed to get the lube. Uh, it still is a thing that sits with me.
[00:17:42] Ellecia: Because underneath it, I wasn't just, I wasn't just frustrated, right? I was tired, I was sad. I was hoping someone would notice without me having to fall apart. And that might hit something in you too, right? If you've been holding it together so well that no one even knows that you're struggling, [00:18:00] you're not alone.
[00:18:01] Ellecia: I promise. So many of us do this. I see it all the time. People who are really trying to do ENM, well to do polyamory, right? Trying not to be the difficult one. They start slowly disappearing. They think like, I'll just wait my turn. She needs more than I do. If I say something, it's gonna make things way harder.
[00:18:21] Ellecia: It's gonna make everything worse where they're gonna get mad at me. And then suddenly you're on the edge of your own relationship wondering how you got there. So. I wanna give you a couple of gentle questions to try on here. There's no pressure, no fixing. Just notice, okay? Ask yourself, where have I been making myself smaller to protect someone else's comfort?
[00:18:45] Ellecia: And ask yourself, what's something that I've needed, but I've stopped asking for? And then lastly, what would it feel like to let myself take up a little more space? You shouldn't have to collapse to be seen, right? You [00:19:00] shouldn't have to compete for care. You get to be heard before things start falling apart, and that doesn't make you high maintenance or too much.
[00:19:09] Ellecia: It doesn't make you too dramatic, it makes you honest. It's a sign of integrity. And here's the thing that a lot of relationship advice forgets to tell you. You don't have to contort yourself in two shapes to be loved, right? You don't have to edit your needs. You don't have to water down your personality.
[00:19:32] Ellecia: You don't have to perform the role of the emotionally evolved poly person just to stay connected. You are allowed to be a whole ass human in all of your relationships. That means you can be someone who wants things. You can be someone who wants autonomy and reassurance. You can love personal freedom and crave consistency.
[00:19:56] Ellecia: You can be tender, opinionated. [00:20:00] Confused, courageous, all in the same week and still be worthy of deep, stable love. You can say things like, I'm not okay with how that unfolded. I'm not okay with how things went down. I would like a little more clarity before I say yes or agree to this thing. I feel a little off and I don't need fixing.
[00:20:21] Ellecia: I just really wanna be heard because you know, staying fully you is. It's really important to, to like bring your internal landscape into the light, right? You don't wanna ghost yourself to keep someone else comfortable, and sometimes that's gonna feel risky, right? Not everyone is gonna know how to hold all of you.
[00:20:44] Ellecia: Not everyone has the capacity or the willingness even, but those who can, those who will, those who want to, they will meet you in your depth, not run from it. Because the [00:21:00] people who actually really truly belong in your life will be there for your performance. They're gonna be there for your presence, for who you really are.
[00:21:09] Ellecia: So if you're wondering, is it okay to say this? Can I really ask for that? Am I allowed to want this much? Yes. Yes, absolutely you are. You don't have to earn your space in love. You don't have to earn love. You already belong to you, and I really wanna name something important here. A lot of the things that you're struggling with, if this is hitting home for you, it's not because you're bad at non-monogamy, okay?
[00:21:40] Ellecia: It's not because you're too sensitive, it's not because you haven't read enough books or journaled hard enough or listened to enough episodes of, Nope, we're not monogamous. Sometimes it's actually because the relationships that you're in are asking you to abandon yourself. Sometimes it's because [00:22:00] your partners haven't done their own emotional work.
[00:22:03] Ellecia: Sometimes you're trying to build polyamory on top of unaddressed trauma, poor communication, or straight up weird power imbalances. And no structure is gonna fix that until it's actually named, until you start working on those things. And this isn't meant to shame anyone. We are all in process. We're all learning.
[00:22:23] Ellecia: Most of us, were not taught healthy relationship skills. But you really do deserve to know the difference between relational growth and relational harm. And non-monogamy shouldn't be the scapegoat so that you don't actually work on relationship issues, right? Um, so you, you deserve to ask yourself things like, is this dynamic hurting me?
[00:22:44] Ellecia: Do I feel safe here? Is this person actually available for the kind of relationship that I want? Because sometimes the work isn't learning how to tolerate more or how to be more emotionally resilient, although we can all use some of that. It's learning how to recognize [00:23:00] what's not yours to carry. If you're not failing at non-monogamy, you might just be trying to thrive inside something that's not built to hold you.
[00:23:11] Ellecia: And having that realization is not the end. Okay. That is the start of how you come back to yourself with more honesty, more choice, more hair than ever before. So if you've been playing small, if you've been saying yes when your body is screaming, no. If you've been performing chill and cool while your heart is feeling crushed, if you've been ghosting yourself inside of your own relationships, this is your invitation to come back.
[00:23:44] Ellecia: Come back to you, to your wholeness, come back to your needs. Come back to the version of you who knows what's real and isn't afraid to name it because you don't have to disappear to be loved. You don't have to be smaller to be loved. You don't have to earn your [00:24:00] space with ease or emotional perfection.
[00:24:03] Ellecia: You don't have to be good at poly to be worthy of presence and safety and care. If you're realizing that what you're feeling might not be about you failing at non-monogamy, but about a dynamic that needs repair or release, that's an option too. That kind of clarity is really sacred. It's so important for you to know.
[00:24:26] Ellecia: You get to say like, this isn't working for me. You get to name the things that hurt and you get to rebuild from a place of truth rather than just performing out of. Like pressure to, to show up a certain way, right? Um, I, I'm not telling you to be dramatic. I'm telling you to be honest and honesty. That's the beginning of intimacy.
[00:24:49] Ellecia: That's the place where intimacy starts forming. It's not the end of it. And if any of this like hits you in the chest, if you're nodding, if you're crying, if you're angry, if you're relieved, [00:25:00] let's talk. Not in a like performative, fix it, check the box kind of way. In a real slow, honest to goddess, I need someone to hear me kind of way.
[00:25:12] Ellecia: You can book a clarity chat with me. Okay, we'll just sort it out together. No shame, no masks, just truth and a little bit of tenderness, and I'll be real honest with you. But you deserve to be fully here in your relationships, in your life, in your body, and I'm so glad that you are. I'm so glad you're here.
[00:25:37] Ellecia: Thanks so much for joining me today. Bye.