Why Self-Love Looks Different in Non-Monogamy (And Why You Can’t “Positive Vibes” Your Way Through Comparison)
Do you ever feel like you’re doing everything right in your open or polyamorous relationship—and yet still crumble inside the moment your partner connects with someone else?
In this honest and unfiltered episode, I explore what real self-love looks like in non-monogamous relationships—especially when comparison, jealousy, and insecurity hit hard.
🎙️We talk about:
Why affirmations fail when your body’s in panic mode
How comparison is actually a survival response
Patriarchal conditioning + why it fuels competition
What real self-love looks like when you feel triggered
How to support your nervous system when jealousy hits
“Self-love isn’t about perfection. It’s about staying with yourself when things feel messy.”
💜 Want to go deeper?
Join Beyond Compare—my 4-week group coaching program for non-monogamous women who are ready to stop spiraling and start feeling safe, confident, and grounded.
🕓 Starts May 28 | Early bird ends soon
👉 https://www.elleciapaine.com/compare
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter
❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous
👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/
Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00]
You can love your partner, you can want non-monogamy, and you can still feel completely gutted when they're with someone else. And that doesn't make you broken, that makes you human. Today we're talking about why self-love looks so different in non-monogamy and why you can't just positive vibe your way through jealousy and comparison and insecurity.
I remember this one night before I ever had any language for, for all of this, and my partner was getting ready for a date and I was smiling, like, go have fun. And I closed the door and I immediately collapsed on the floor sobbing. No joke, I couldn't explain it. I wanted him to be happy, but I felt erased.
That moment was really [00:01:00] eye-opening for me. I knew I needed something deeper than like, just be secure. Just be confident. Alicia, uh,
hi. I'm Ellecia. Welcome to, Nope, we're not monogamous. Uh, if you've ever been told to just love yourself more as a solution. To comparison or jealousy and insecurity and it didn't work. Then this episode is for you. We've all been told the go-to advice. Just focus on yourself. Stay in your own lane. If you were more confident, if only you were more confident, then this wouldn't bother you.
And that's all cute on Instagram, but it's not so cute when your partner is falling in love with someone else and your entire nervous system is screaming at you. Watching them light up over someone new can make every single unhealed part of you scream too.[00:02:00]
The doubts, the fears, the am I enough loops? Y you don't need more positivity, okay? You need tools that actually work when your body is in a full blown survival panic, because when that spiral kicks in, you're comparing yourself to your metamor and you're trying to stay cool and inside it feels like everything is unraveling, like you're completely coming apart at the seams.
So we're gonna talk about what self-love is, but first, let's talk about what self-love isn't. It's not pretending to be unbothered, it's not pretending that you don't care. It's not repeating mantras while your stomach is in knots, although they do have a place, right? Uh, and it's not deleting social media for 48 hours and hoping that fixes your panic.
Self-love and non-monogamy is way messier and way [00:03:00] more powerful than all of that.
Self-love isn't just affirmations, it's nervous system regulation. When your brain perceives a new connection as a threat, your body starts to react really fricking fast. Fight flight, freeze fawn. You know the drill. And no matter how many affirmations you whisper, I'm secure. I trust them. I love myself.
I'm not gonna be abandoned. It doesn't actually touch that full. Like that. Full blown, uh, whole body panic and affirmations are good. Don't get me wrong. I talk about 'em all the time. You do need those. But when you're in fight, flight, freeze fun. When you're in that survival mode, uh, your brain doesn't care about those.
I've felt it myself a lot. Um. Yeah, [00:04:00] there's a night that I remember really clearly when my partner texted that they were planning to spend the night with, um, another partner, someone new.
I had just finished journaling about how secure I was feeling. I was like, I'm good. I've got this. And then the message came in and boom. My chest was tight, my heart was racing. I was nauseous. I couldn't eat. I was in a total spiral. And it's not because I didn't trust him, uh, it's because my body didn't feel secure, it didn't feel safe, and I realized that self-love and non-monogamy isn't about thinking better, right?
Like I didn't need to come up with the right thoughts. Uh, it's about being able to return to your body when everything else feels like a threat. So it's breath work. It's grounding, it's knowing what to do when your stomach drops or you feel like the floor has abandoned you, right? When [00:05:00] everything, um, in your brain, everything in your body is saying you're gonna die, and your brain is like, no, you're fine.
I swear, I promise you're fine. And your body's going, Nope, pretty sure death is imminent.
Comparison is a symptom, not a failure, right? Comparing yourself to a metamor doesn't make you petty. It makes you human comparison. Is your system trying to make sense of the world? It's scanning for safety and asking, am I still wanted, am I still enough?
Am I safe here? How do I compare? To the other people that look like they're safe. Right. Um, I had a client say something to me that like stopped me cold. She, she was talking about how she would see photos of her metamore and she would feel sick, and she said, even though I knew my partner loved me [00:06:00] and that it wasn't a competition, I just didn't feel like I measured up.
And that was so freaking relatable and. Sure there's some insecurity there, but that's not really about insecurity. That is genuinely survival. Your system scanning for safety and going, that person's being chosen, how do I, how much, what can I do to be like that person? To continue to be chosen and be a part of the tribe, be a part of the community that my survival relies on?
And for most of us, that means our like. We, because we have a monogamous culture. That means our one monogamous partner is the community that we rely on for survival, right? And so as we expand, as we open, as we start, um, relating with more and more people, our brain, our and our nervous system are looking for our tribe, our community that keeps us safe, that that equals survival and.
Uh, [00:07:00] often it means that we attach our survival to our romantic partners.
So I promise you that comparison isn't a character flaw. It's a protection mechanism, and it's saying maybe if I understand what they have, I can keep myself safe. But that strategy doesn't actually protect you. It doesn't actually keep you safe. It keeps you stuck. So, uh, in my work with this client, she learned how to catch the spiral really early on, uh, and breathe into the discomfort.
Like, just be in it and ask herself, what do I need to feel safe right now? And slowly but surely she stopped scrolling. She stopped searching for proof. She started choosing herself instead.
If you've done this too, like compared and [00:08:00] obsessed and spiraled, you're not failing at polyamory. You're not failing at non-monogamy. You're just living in a body that was never taught how to feel safe in love, that doesn't follow the rules, that doesn't fit into what's normal in our society, right? And real healing starts when you stop that shame spiral and you start asking what it's trying to protect, how is it trying to help you?
You don't fix that by yelling at yourself to be more confident, right? And you don't become more confident by shaming yourself. You heal it by getting curious and staying compassionate and unlearning the story that someone else's shine takes away from your worth.
So let's pause for a second and name the bs. Okay. Um, one of the things I hear is if you loved yourself enough, you wouldn't be jealous or you're just too [00:09:00] sensitive, or, uh, maybe you're just not polyamorous, real poly people don't get jealous. Or maybe you should just be monogamous again because you're probably too insecure for this.
All of that. It's trash. It's absolute trash. You don't stop spiraling by shaming yourself into submission. You stop spiraling by learning how to stay present even when you feel like you're falling apart. I,
okay. I have a screen saver over here of this owl that's just staring at me. And I don't know if you've noticed, if you watch the, the podcast on YouTube, if you watch the videos, I often stare off into space to think about what I'm saying. And every time I stare off to the left, there's an owl staring right back at me.
It's a little bit creepy.[00:10:00]
Uh, anyways, you were conditioned to compete. Okay. Most of us were raised in a system where being chosen was the goal, and if somebody else was shining, it meant we were losing, right? If they get the gold medal and the next person gets a silver medal, you're stuck with bronze or you're like a loser, or you know, you get a participation.
Participation trophy. Uh, and I've said this before and I'll say it again, I'm gonna keep saying it. We were raised in a world that taught women to be the prettiest, be the easiest, be the mo most wanted, or get left behind. Let's name it, we didn't come into this world neutral. Uh,
nope. I don't wanna say that.
Let's name it, this is patriarchy inaction. [00:11:00] I'm gonna keep saying this over and over. So if you don't wanna hear about the patriarchy, don't listen to me. Really selling you here. Uh, you know, even in non-monogamy, that scarcity wiring sticks around.
It shows up as. What if they love her more? What if I'm replaceable? Why do I feel so small next to her? And even if you've intellectually unlearned that, all of that, your body is still holding onto it. And in non-monogamy where love and sex is shared and open, that competitive wiring can go into overdrive.
So self-love here. And our, our beautiful little non-monogamous world doesn't mean love yourself harder, right? You don't have to like keep hitting yourself with self, [00:12:00] self-love. You don't have to hammer it in, okay? It means you need to unlearn the belief that love is a contest and that you have to win that contest.
And so if you're sitting here listening and like, yeah, this is me, but where do I start? Start here. Notice when your body tenses. Notice when you start to feel that like that, that activation, that competition, that comparison, that insecurity, just notice the tense in your body and don't try to fix it. Just notice it, okay?
You can't stop the spiral until you know when it's happening, and then name what's happening. Oh, I'm comparing. That doesn't mean I'm not secure. It means I'm scared. That awareness right there, that's the doorway. That's where you start. Okay? I know it feels [00:13:00] too small, but you can't skip this part, okay? You have to start there.
You have to notice it in your body, and you have to name it.
All right. You can love yourself and still feel insecure. These two things can exist at the same time. You can deeply know your worth. And still have these moments of what if I'm not enough? Right? Self-love isn't being perfect. It's choosing not to abandon yourself. When things feel messy, it's telling yourself this hurts and I still deserve love.
I feel insecure, [00:14:00] and I'm still whole.
This part is really crucial. Self-love does not mean that you never feel jealous or anxious or unsure. It means you stay with yourself. When you feel those things right, you stop making insecurity, a personal failure. You stop pretending that everything is fine. When it's not, you stop trying to perform your way into feeling worthy.
And instead, you learn how to anchor back into yourself with compassion, not judgment.
If your best friend or your child or someone you really love or someone you really admire with saying to you, oh, I'm insecure. I'm a big piece of shit for it. You would be like, no, you're not. That's so normal. Like, you're really awesome and I really care [00:15:00] about you. You would say really nice things to them.
Say that to yourself. Right. I had someone DM me last week and they said, I love non-monogamy, but I hate how small I feel when my partner is with their other partner. And first of all, yes, that honesty is where the healing starts. And second, that's not necessarily a you problem, that's the system that we're unlearning together, right?
I mean, it's probably not a them problem. It's not your partner's problem. So in that sense, it's a you problem, but it's not a problem with you. Okay? This, this is a way we've been conditioned. It's what we've been trained into this system, and we're unlearning it because we know all the reasons [00:16:00] that non-monogamy is awesome, that polyamory is awesome, that not sticking with one set of genitals for the rest of your life is awesome.
Um. I wanna add that self-love in non-monogamy actually requires community. Okay? You can read all of the books, you can binge all of the podcasts. You can journal until all your pens run dry. Um, but if you're doing it in isolation, if you're doing it alone, it's only gonna take you so far.
Uh, human beings require connection. Real healing requires connection. You need people who understand the nuance, who aren't gonna shame you for spiraling or for being non-monogamous. Who, who say, I get it and they mean it. I've been there. I understand. Right. You were never meant to hold all of [00:17:00] this alone because it's a lot, and now you actually, you don't have to, you don't have to hold it all alone.
Okay? We're I, I got solutions for you. We've got community, we've got people, I got things that you can do. Um, here's a question I want you to sit with this week. What would it look like to stop performing security and start building it? Okay. You can write about it, you can voice memo it. You can just be with this question.
You can DM me your answer if you wanna share. I think in the show notes, there's a little text, text, the show link that you can click on and it, and it'll just like, from your phone, it'll text me. Pretty cool. Uh, what would it feel like to stop performing security? To stop pretending that you're secure? And actually start building security.[00:18:00]
The truth is this, you don't need to be the chillest, most confident, most evolved version of yourself to be worthy of love. You get to show up as the full, messy, insecure, radiant human that you are. You don't have to prove that you're worthy. You don't need to compete to matter you. You already belong. You belong in your body.
You belong in your relationship. You belong in this love. You belong in this world. Okay? And now it's just time to really believe it. I,
okay. If you're in the spiral, here are three things you can try today. One ground into the sensation. Put one hand on your heart. One hand on your belly. Feel the floor under your feet. And remind your body. [00:19:00] Remind yourself. I'm here. I'm safe.
Now I'm making some assumptions that you're actually in a safe location, okay? Don't tell yourself that if you actually aren't. But for most of us who have time to listen to a podcast, uh, we're, we're probably in this moment in a safe spot. And just like, put your feet on the floor,
take a few deep breaths and remind yourself, I'm here. I'm safe. I've got you. Okay. Number two, interrupt the scroll. Set a timer and walk away from your phone or set it on do not disturb, right. Even five minutes to help you return to you.
Just take a break so that you can have presence with yourself. And the third thing, ask. What [00:20:00] do I need right now to feel safe and seen by me? Okay, not by your partner, not by somebody else. What do I need to feel safe and seen by me? These are really tiny practices, but they're tiny things that shift big patterns, especially when you do them regularly, when you practice them.
Okay. Are you ready for the kind of support that actually helps if your nervous system is begging for peace? If you're tired of being high functioning on the outside, but unraveling on the inside beyond Compare is, sorry guys. This is for women, for, for those of us who have been, uh, who were raised as little girls.
This isn't just a program, it's a space where you remember how to trust yourself again. Okay. In just four weeks, you're gonna learn how to regulate your nervous system. When comparison hits, you are gonna learn how to rebuild [00:21:00] self-trust in your body and beyond. You're gonna break the spiral loop for good, and you're gonna feel secure even when your partner is with someone new.
Okay? You're gonna learn how to do all of these things. We start May 28th. It's pretty soon. You can join us now. You can go to elleciapaine.com. That'll take you to the sales page. You're already enough. Okay. We just wanna build the version of you who finally believes that you're enough.
So, yeah, you can love your partner. You can want non-monogamy and steal and still feel gutted sometimes, but now you have a better idea of what to do with it. I hope. If this has been helpful at all, hit all the like buttons, hit the subscribe buttons, the follow buttons. Uh, if you're [00:22:00] feeling a bunch of jealousy, you can, um, check out the My Jealousy playlist, uh, on YouTube.
Uh, if you wanna join us and be on compare, go to my website, you can leave a review or a comment or text the show. I'd love to hear from you. Bye.