You Can’t Logic Your Way Out of Jealousy (But You’ll Definitely Try) Ep. 135
Ever tried to think your way out of a feeling?
You read the books, have the talks, highlight every chapter on jealousy and self-regulation… and your nervous system just shrugs and says, “That’s cute, I’m still panicking.”
This week on Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m getting real about the hilarious (and exhausting) ways we try to outsmart our emotions, and why logic doesn’t work when your body doesn’t feel safe.
In this solo episode, I share my own “self-help fails,” the moment I realized you can’t out-think a trauma response, and what actually does help when jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity hit hard in non-monogamous relationships.
We’ll talk about what it means to stop fixing and start feeling, to breathe, laugh, and build emotional safety in real time, one micro-moment at a time.
What You’ll Learn
Why jealousy in polyamory is a nervous system response, not a logic problem.
How overthinking and self-help spirals fuel relationship anxiety in non-monogamy.
The mind-body disconnect that happens during triggers in open relationships.
Simple nervous system regulation tools that actually help with jealousy and insecurity.
How laughter and self-compassion reduce emotional overwhelm in polyamorous dynamics.
How to use body-based honesty to communicate needs and build trust with partners.
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👀 Find Us Online
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
Ellecia: [00:00:00] Okay, tell me if this sounds familiar. You feel jealous or anxious or like weirdly numb. So you grab the book highlighters, podcasts, Google rabbit holes, right? Maybe you schedule a, a talk with your partners, A quick check in, uh, four hour like feelings summit, lots of processing. You say all the right things and your nervous system.
Ellecia: Is just like in the corner going, that's cute. Anyway, I am over here panicking.
Ellecia: Welcome back to Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm your host, Ellecia Paine, uh, non-monogamous relationship coach. Really working hard on cultivating Compersion, recovering overthinker. So today I wanna talk to you about the wildly hilarious, deeply human ways that we try to use logic to get out of jealousy, to get out of anxiety, [00:01:00] to get out of our big emotions.
Ellecia: And while your nervous system does not care how many books you've read about attachment styles or how many podcasts you've been listening to, so if you've ever found yourself saying like, I know that I'm safe, but my body is still freaking out, this one's for you. All right. Let's talk about some self-help fails that I've personally tested and laughed at later. I have tried to self-help my way outta feelings more times than I can count, right? Like reading multiple books on non-monogamy in the same week as though I'm cramming for like an emotional final exam.
Ellecia: I've journaled so hard my pen ran out of ankle while I was like literally disassociating. Um. Telling my partner, I'm fine. I've processed it while like making aggressive eye contact at their phone. Right. Uh, doing breath work and then immediately spiraling into a [00:02:00] 42 tab Google search on how to not be a jealous asshole.
Ellecia: And those are just kinda kind of some of the highlight reels, right? Um, Like the times I tried to meditate through panic attacks by silently screaming affirmations at myself. That one doesn't work. or when I have like just listened to a podcast about jealousy and then I am ugly crying in the Trader Joe's parking lot with a cart full of um, almond milk. Right, and I know a lot of you have been there that moment where your brain is like, don't worry, I've got a system, I've got a plan, and your body's like, cool, cool, cool.
Ellecia: I'm gonna shake and cry instead. But honestly, like information is not the same as integration, right? Having more knowledge, more tools, they're helpful. But they don't anchor into your body. [00:03:00] They're, it's neck up, it's all brain. And your nervous system was designed to keep you safe and alive, and your nervous system is not getting that message right.
Ellecia: Like I have been on the bathroom floor surrounded by sticky notes that said things like, you're safe. Jealousy is just data. Meanwhile, I am sobbing. And, and while the notes were correct. My body did not care. Right. And I wasn't broken. There was nothing actually wrong with me. I was just trying to think my way outta feelings that needed to be felt.
Ellecia: I was trying to take a shortcut through the feelings, like, let's just be done with this. And logic is lovely. It's so helpful. It doesn't regulate or support your nervous system though. Your brain is brilliant, but it's not actually the boss of your body, like, it's like the manager who makes the schedule. while your nervous system [00:04:00] is the overworked security guard that's at the door going, yeah, no, we're not letting anyone in right now.
Ellecia: It doesn't feel safe. Right, like you can know that your partner loves you and still feel sick to your stomach when they leave for a date. You can understand Compersion and still feel like a total trash gremlin when you're, when you feel left out, right? Uh, you can say all the right words and still not feel okay, like actually fine.
Ellecia: And you're not failing at polyamory. You're not failing at non-monogamy. Your body doesn't speak in logic. Your body is not logical. It speaks in sensations, it speaks in emotions, it speaks in feelings. So like when your heart starts racing or your stomach's twisting up and knot, that's not like your higher self misbehaving. Your body is going, Hey, something about this moment feels familiar to a time that I wasn't safe. Sometimes, actually, [00:05:00] often it's not even about the current situation. It's about that old ache, that old feeling, the one from being left out as a kid or, uh, not being chosen or being abandoned or learning that love to get love
Ellecia: you have to perform rather than be present. Um, so when jealousy and panic start showing up, your brain is like, everything's fine. We talked about this. We have agreements. I said yes to this. Like nothing is is going wrong. Yeah. And your body is like, yeah, but the last time I felt this, it hurt. I'm not falling for that again.
Ellecia: I will not be tricked again. I won't get hurt again. And you can't out logic your limbic system, you just can't. And it's not like your bro body is behind. I people say it all the time, like, I just wish my body would catch up. Your body is not behind. Your brain just got ahead of you and that's fine. Right.
Ellecia: Okay. Your brain and your body are meant to be a team. And so the goal isn't to make [00:06:00] your body and your nervous system obey your brain. That actually doesn't work. Your goal is to help them get back into the same conversation with each other. 'cause the moment you stop shaming your body for being too sensitive or too alert, or too easily triggered, and instead you're like, Hey.
Ellecia: Thank you for trying to protect me. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. Right? Some acceptance. That acceptance is where that real sense of safety starts to happen, right? So if you ever think like, why do I still feel this way? I know better. That's why it's not your fault, it's biology. It's how we're wired and, and biology can be befriended. Okay? One of the best ways to befriend biology is through laughter, laughter, and pleasure. Because first of all, sometimes all you can do is laugh, right? Like, you know that awkward laugh that bursts out in the middle of crying, or the one that sneaks in right after you've said something [00:07:00] dramatic like, I'm never dating again.
Ellecia: Nobody will ever love me. I'll never be happy again. Yeah, even though it's like your fourth time saying that this year, right? Laughter is actually self-compassion in disguise. It's, it's this, um, moment that your nervous system takes a little exhale and goes, whew, okay, maybe we're not in danger after all.
Ellecia: And when you can laugh at your own emotional. Acrobatics, you're not minimizing your pain. You're, you're witnessing yourself. You're seeing yourself. You're like, Ooh, I see you. I see you brain. I see how hard you're trying. That laughed after you melt down, uh, after you get done ugly crying, right? You, you sniffle and you blow your nose and you're like, woo.
Ellecia: That was a lot. That's not weakness. That's how you release. That's how we process. That's how we move through it. It's your body unclenching after holding on too tight. Um, laughter and tears are siblings. They both move [00:08:00] energy. They both tell your nervous system, Hey, it's safe to feel again. And that little chuckle after you're done crying, that is actually healing that it's kind of part of the cosmic joke.
Ellecia: I. It's, it's like your spirit reminding you that you're still here, you're still capable of joy, you're still beautifully, wildly human. Uh, so when you catch yourself laughing through all the emotional mess, don't apologize for it. Okay? Let it be a sacred thing. Let it be a part of the process. That is the moment that shame starts to dissolve, and that's where. Self-love starts sneaking in, right? Maybe it's got like clown makeup on or something. Um, 'cause healing isn't flawless, it's not pretty. It's part of being human and laughing at the absurdity of how hard we try to fix what was [00:09:00] never broken in the first place. At least not as badly as you think it is.
Ellecia: So what actually helps, here's what helped me, and not all at once, not perfectly, um, but enough to stop spiraling. So if you're listening right now, do this. Okay. Unclench your jaw. Exhale slowly. Let your shoulders drop.
Ellecia: That's step one. Okay. Your body wants to feel safe again. And so you have to put your body into a safe position. Um, when you, when you physically move in a way that feels good and relaxed, your brain starts to get that message, okay? This is how you, you regulate. This is how you support your nervous system.
Ellecia: So body first, body before story every time. When I am activated, triggered, [00:10:00] I, I, I stop analyzing. I stop looking for the story, and I check in with my body, my breath, my tension movement. What does my chest feel like right now? What does my gut feel like right now? Are my shoulders tight? Am I clenching my jaw?
Ellecia: Am I breathing? Can I soften my stomach like 5%? Can I find a sense of. I'm okay in this moment just for like one breath and this matters, uh, because your body doesn't need logic. Stop trying to logic your nervous system. It needs evidence of safety, so the kind you can feel rather than think. And our brains are so easy to like get them on board. You just have to do the right things, right. Once your body calms down, your thoughts will start to follow naturally.
Ellecia: So before you start spiraling into the why, why is this happening? Start with where, where is this feeling in my body? That's where healing [00:11:00] happens. That's where it begins. Then I go to Positive Evidence, a proof positive list, right? When Insecurity State takes the wheel. Um, that's I reach for the things that I know to be true right now, right? I reread, um, like texts, uh, or messages that my partners have sent me, telling me how much they love me, how much they care about me. I recall kind words.
Ellecia: I replay moments of connections. I look for proof that I'm loved and chosen and safe because when your fear gets really loud, it actually distorts the data. It actually takes those things and makes like, like puts weird spins on them. It edits the story into something darker than it really is. So your proof positive list reminds your nervous system.
Ellecia: We're not in danger. We're in in relationship. We're in relationship to other humans. Right. And you can actually make it into a ritual, right? Like, um, I use the Keep app on my phone. You can use a notes app, [00:12:00] you can, um, maybe it's a folder of screenshots. Um, it's kind of like having a little like digital hug for yourself.
Ellecia: I, right? Because we can't always just ask our partners for reassurance in the moment. Maybe they're busy, maybe they're on a date, maybe they're at work, maybe they're sleeping, whatever. We can't always ask our partners for reassurance. We can look back at all the times that they've given it to us and reuse it, recycle it, reduce, reuse, recycle on our reassurance, and then. Obviously we have to share what's going on, right? So I like to rehearse my honesty. I practice saying the awkward truths out loud before I need to say them. Like, Hey, I wanna be good with this. I wanna be cool with this. But my stomach feels like there's bees in it and I don't know why. Okay? And this isn't scripting your emotions.
Ellecia: This isn't planning out how you're going to feel this. This is just like normalizing your [00:13:00] humanness. You are a human with the full range of emotions
Ellecia: and so. I feel is a great way to share how you're feeling, not I feel like you're gonna leave me because someone else texted you when you were on a date with me, right? That, that, that is not what you feel. That's what you think. I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel butterflies in my stomach. I feel, Ooh.
Ellecia: Like my vision is, is tunneling, right? Every time you speak from your body instead of your defenses, you build up more safety into your relationship and into yourself. Honesty stops being, um, risky. It, it becomes more of a bridge towards connection. And your voice is also a part of your nervous system, by the way. So when you gently speak what is true for you, you're literally [00:14:00] regulating your body through sound. I, and then you can create micro moments of safety. I used to think that I needed like this full nervous system overhaul. Uh, and now I know that safety is built like one little brick at a time, right? One breath. One hand on my heart, one look out the window. A long exhale. Another one, um, looking around the room to show my nervous system that I'm in a safe space.
Ellecia: These are like little micro repairs that help keep us steady. So when your world is feeling like too big. Zoom in until it's manageable. What can I see? What can I touch? What can I feel? What do I hear? And you don't have to fix everything today. You just have to give your body one little piece of proof that you're safe right now. And then the last thing I'll give you is, um, I always give myself permission to circle back, right? If I fumble a conversation, if I snap, [00:15:00] if I'm mean, if I shut down. You can come back and go, Hey, can I try that again? I wasn't really myself when we talked. Can I have a do over? Can I change my mind? Because repair builds more intimacy than perf being perfect ever could, right?
Ellecia: You don't have to be flawless to create safety. You have to be real. You have to be you. You have to be willing to return. You have to be willing to learn. You have to be willing to grow, and that is what love with yourself and with others looks like. That's what love looks like in in practice. In reality, you know, healing doesn't happen because you read the right book, or you said the right words, or you found the right podcast episode. It happens in your body first in this felt sense of safety, that you build slowly and lovingly through repetition that you build yourself, that you get to create yourself.
Ellecia: You don't suddenly arrive at safety, and now you're done. You create it, you build it. It's one breath, an honest moment, a compassionate do-over. [00:16:00] You get to create that sense of safety for yourself and trying to outsmart jealousy or fear or grief. It, it is not, that's not really avoidance. Okay. It, it's actually a kind of a bit of courage. It's a part of you that still believes that healing is possible. It's you saying, I care enough to try even when it's messy. Even when you get triggered by the same thing again and again.
Ellecia: Even when you think, I should freaking be past this by now, I should be over this now. You're not back at square one, you're, you're just looping through another layer of your own becoming, because every time you notice the pattern faster, you breathe instead of explode. It's like, oh, there you are again.
Ellecia: You're already healing. Okay? You're already, you're doing a little bit better every time. Even if you slip back a little bit, the next time is gonna get easier and easier. So here's your permission slip, and please [00:17:00] take this one to heart. You don't have to do it perfectly, you don't have to logic your way to feeling peaceful or coersive or fine, right? You just have to stay with yourself gently, lovingly, acceptingly with a little bit of laughter while you feel your way through. If you're somewhere in between, I totally get it. And why am I crying again? That is the work working because the goal was never to never feel. The goal is to feel and stay connected. to let your body soften instead of be armor. And to let your voice tremble, but still speak up to let love in, even when fear is loud. Okay, my friend Kathy Tui says, uh, courage is the price of connection. It's so freaking true. You're not too much, you're not behind. You're simply [00:18:00] in process. And that is a sacred process. So take one more breath with me in through the nose, out through the mouth. Let your shoulders drop. Maybe roll your neck a little. That's it. That's the whole thing. Safety, compassion, presence. One breath at a time.
Ellecia: And if nobody's told you lately, you're doing beautifully. You're doing such a good job. Not because you've got it all figured out, but because you keep showing up for you. And that's where change happens. It's not in being perfect. It's not in being logical. It's in your body, in your breath, in your heart that refuses to give up on love like you're doing it.
Ellecia: So if your nervous system has been like throwing a surprise party every time your partner mentions another date. You're not broken, my friend. You're fine. You're just human. You're wired for depth and connection and safety, and you're learning how to [00:19:00] feel all of those things at the same time. And that truly is the work right to, to be brave, to love bravely, to feel really deeply, to keep showing up. Even when your voice shakes and your brain is like, I've read all of the books. Why are we still crying? So if, if today's episode made you laugh or sigh or feel a little bit less alone, take that as your sign to keep going.
Ellecia: You're doing great. And not because it's easy, but you're willing. And if you wanna keep learning how to regulate and support your nervous system, how to reconnect and create safety, that really sticks. Uh, come work with me. We'll slow down. We'll get grounded. We'll help your body finally feel okay with what your brain actually understands.
Ellecia: Uh, I've got links in the show notes. Or you can go to elleciapaine.com/call and hop on a call with me. And if you love the podcast, if you love, nope, we're not monogamous and you wanna help [00:20:00] me keep creating it, you can support us by going to patreon.com/not monogamous. And for as little as $3 a month, you can keep this thing going.
Ellecia: That's like buying me a cup of coffee while I write these episodes for you. Except instead of caffeine, you're, you're fueling honest conversations and nervous system healing, and, uh, community for non-monogamous humans. And when you join, you'll get access to like behind the scenes q and a bonus segments, like just the tip early invites to Live Hangouts ad free episodes. Um, you can, right now, I can give you a free sticker. You could get a mug. There's all sorts of stuff, right? Um, so patreon.com/notmonogamous or you can tap the link in the show notes and.
Ellecia: You know, go like all the things, subscribe and if you're not subscribed, so that you don't miss anything. Okay. Thank you so much for being here. Enjoy.[00:21:00]
Ellecia: I.