A Journey of Liberation and Empowerment with Casey Donatello, Ep. 53
In this episode of Nope! We're Not Monogamous, Casey Donatello opens up about the challenges and dynamics of striving for equity in non-monogamous relationships. But just when it seems like they've found the perfect balance, a shocking twist threatens to unravel their carefully built connection. Tune in to find out what happens next.
Meet Casey Donatello, a passionate advocate for boundary pushing and exploring dynamics within non-monogamous relationships. Throughout her personal journey that spans almost two decades, Casey has published three compelling memoirs, navigating the captivating landscape of alternative relationships with a raw, unfiltered perspective. Bridging the gap between fantasy and reality, her experiences enrich her candid discussions on equity, equality and the complex nuances that shape non-monogamous partnerships.
Gain a fresh perspective on relationships by exploring Casey Donatello's real-world adventures in non-monogamy.
Discover the indispensable role of open dialogue and trust, extending beyond non-monogamous relationships into all interactions.
Understand the psychological impact of non-monogamy, providing insights into human vulnerabilities and open discussions on emotional challenges.
Unwrap the concept of equity versus equality in non-monogamous relationships, setting the stage for thinking outside of traditional relationship norms.
Empower yourself with effective techniques to navigate through the complexities of non-monogamy, enriching your understanding of emotional intelligence in relationships.
Want to connect with Casey?
Check out Casey Donatello's Instagram page, In Bed with Strangers, for fascinating and engaging content related to non-monogamous relationships.
Explore Casey Donatello's three memoirs, which provide an insightful and personal look into the lifestyle of non-monogamy.
Do you feel like you could use some help with your relationships?
Get on a free call with Ellecia to see how she can help you move through the challenges of jealousy, fear, anxiety, and insecurities in a way that strengthens your relationships, deepens your trust, and communication, and leaves you feeling confident.
https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chat
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Credits
- Host/Producer: Ellecia Paine
- Editor/Producer: Danny Walters
- Hosted on Buzzsprout
Transcript
ElleciaHost00:07
Hey, I'm Ellecia, your non-monogamous relationship coach. Welcome to the podcast where my friends and I chat about our relationships enthusiastic, non-monogamy polyamory, swinging, kink and our lives. You'll get a candid peek into what makes it worth it to live life outside the box. And in case you're still wondering, nope, we're not monogamous. Hello, hello, hello.
00:39
Today, Casey Donatello is opening up about the challenges and the dynamics of striving for equity in non-monogamous relationships. But just when it seems like they've found the perfect balance, a shocking twist threatens to unravel their carefully built connection. Keep listening to find out what happened. Casey is the author of three erotic lifestyle memoirs an adult content creator, a part-time nudist, a swinger and her memoirs detail the emotional, mental and physical aspects of discovering her sexuality and the lifestyle over the past 18 years, from a shy Catholic girl to an insatiable unicorn, to a happily married hot wife vixen. So she's sharing both the positive and the negative parts of her journey to sexual empowerment, because it's very important for her and me to let other women know that you can still be a strong, successful, independent, confident and respected female, even if you're an unapologetic slut. So I really hope you enjoy this episode. The best way that you can let me know is by following, leaving a review. Please leave a review. And if you want more and if you want to hear the behind the scenes content like just the tip our guests' favorite and best sex tips then join our Patreon at patreon.com/notmonogamous
02:05
Enjoy the show. Yes, amazing, I love it. Okay, we're here. So welcome to Nope, we are not monogamous. Obviously. We're talking about things that are in relationships and people that are not monogamous. So I'm really excited to talk to you because you have done some really, really neat things I would love to hear about. Well, first of all, i really like your Instagram. The embed with strangers is fantastic. I enjoy that, and I would love to, first of all, just hear a little bit about what you do. I know that you've written some things and have some content out there. I'm curious. Tell our listeners about that.
CaseyGuest03:03
So currently I have written three books. They're all lifestyle related and they're all memoirs, so they go from when I first discovered the lifestyle until about last year. The last book goes to last year when I finally got married. and I did marry somebody in the lifestyle and we are a stag vixen couple, so I'm in the hot wife category, so he shares me with other men. And a few months ago about five months ago I started in OnlyFans page And I went on my first podcast, kind of randomly back a few months ago, and I made some comment about gang bang on Instagram and then I got invited on this show and then it kind of took off from there where people were really fascinated by the fact that people really live lives like this and it's not just in like TV and movies, we are real people.
03:57
They seem to be fascinated that my husband and I have a healthy relationship and we're happy and we're doing all these crazy sexual things. So it's weird. I kind of got you know, not intentionally put into the spotlight a little bit where you know I've been speaking out for the lifestyle and non monogamy and all these other things where I never really expected to be a role model for other people. I was just kind of like figuring shit out for myself. But you know that's the problem with having a life like this You always feel like you're alone and that secret really weighs on you and then you have the shame and the guilt. So the more you find people that are okay with what they do, the easier it is to accept that. You know you're doing it as well And my husband and I don't have children, so we find it's a little easier to be a little more public because we don't have to worry about embarrassing our kids or their friends finding out. You know it's any shame that or awkwardness is just directly at us, but it's our actions. So you know, at the end of the day we have to be okay with what we're doing. So you know people have really responded to our story and it's very flattering and humbling to us that people want to hear you know what we're doing because we think we're just your average regular people.
05:14
We don't see it, as you know, that big of a deal, but when I started the lifestyle almost maybe like 19 years ago now it was a big deal and I was ashamed and I didn't fucking tell anybody and I was, you know, had all these conflicting things, and that's why I started writing about it, because I just needed this like therapy session in my head to understand what I was doing and was it right, was it wrong, you know? was it taboo, was it inappropriate? And then I've always struggled with finding a relationship in the lifestyle, like I always wanted to date in the lifestyle, and it just never worked for me. Guys, we're just not accepting of it. They want to play with you in the lifestyle, but then they don't want to date you. They want to date somebody that they could take home to mom and she's you know this good little girl.
06:00
And for years I just had this like like these two personalities. I didn't know who I was anymore. And right when I was about to leave the lifestyle for relationship, i ended up meeting my future husband and you know it all worked out for us. So it's been a crazy, you know, roller coaster ride, but it has not been easy and there's been a lot of work involved and you know a lot of ups and downs which people don't realize. Sometimes they think that the lifestyle is just fun and sex all the time, but there's so much more like the emotional and the mental part, and the self-esteem and the insecurities, and those are the parts that I really like to talk about, because you're not always prepared for that when you get into this world.
ElleciaHost06:42
Yeah.
CaseyGuest06:43
Yeah.
ElleciaHost06:43
Absolutely. Wow. That's a long time. So for the people who are listening, who might not know what is the lifestyle, So, for the lifestyle is a broad term.
CaseyGuest06:57
It's swingers, it's people with alternative lifestyles maybe you're a Polly, maybe open relationships. It can mean a lot of different things to different people. Some people think swingers are only couples playing with other couples. Some will say single people are involved. It's really whatever your interpretation is.
07:17
In my experience I started with a boyfriend for a very short time and we did meet couples. Then, when I became single which is known as being a unicorn I met couples, then I met single guys, then I ventured into groups of guys and then I stayed there. So I've pretty much experienced all the different sections of it. But, like I said, right now I'm married to my husband and we're what's called the Stag Vixen. So he is because you also have a cuck husband. There's all these different terms and everybody. It's very specific. So my husband loves to share me with other guys. Sometimes he joins, sometimes he watches, but there's no like humiliation involved with him. He's a very strong man. He's like an alpha guy. He just really gets turned on by it and I see us as equals. Neither one of us has like the upper hand in anything And it takes just so much communication and trial and error And I always like to tell people.
08:17
Just because you talked it out in the beginning and you decided this is what we are, you always have to have that conversation after every day, every few months, to check in like, is this still what we are or do we wanna change what we are? Because we both equally have to enjoy it. I'm not gonna get pleasure sleeping with other guys if he's not having fun watching it happen. It goes both ways. You have to feed off of each other's energy And right now he, as a Stag. He doesn't see any other women, so I'm the only girl he plays with. So that's like a big.
08:52
You know a lot of people wanna judge it and say, oh, he got the shit end of the deal. Or, you know, you're greedy, you're selfish. People always wanna tell me I'm jealous of other girls. But that's, it's none of those things. It's just not our dynamic And there's nothing wrong with what we do, as long as he's okay with what we're doing. You know, at any point he can speak up and say I want something different, but he doesn't, you know, and that's fine and it's hard for people to understand that, but there's, you know, huge community of people that do what we do and it's normal to us. You know it doesn't seem weird.
ElleciaHost09:27
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like I always try to tell people that, rather than making things equal, you want them to be equitable. So like, rather than making sure everybody gets to do the same thing, let's make sure everybody gets to do the thing that they want to be doing. All right, so that's what he wants to be doing, then that works.
CaseyGuest09:46
Yeah, and, like some guys, can't mentally understand how another man would want to see his wife do things And that's fine for them. They're not built that way. It's something I believe it's just like in your DNA, in your mental hard-wiring. There's no explanation for why you like it, but he definitely likes it, so I'm not complaining. You know I'm an exhibitionist and he's a lawyer, so we're like this perfect match together.
ElleciaHost10:11
Yeah, yeah, beautiful. What I'm curious So are you guys? would you consider yourselves to be polyamorous at all, or?
CaseyGuest10:20
strictly physical. It's funny too because he laughs at me sometimes when I forget that we're non-monogamous, because he's always with me when we play, we do everything together. So almost sometimes I forget that. You know, physically it's not monogamous because, like in my heart and in my emotions I feel like we're totally monogamous. You know, there's no feelings, there's no emotions. I don't play with him on my own, even though he would let me Like. It's definitely a bonding experience between the two of us. So he thinks I'm funny because I say that I'm always like oh yeah, i am in that category, you know. Or he'll say, like you know, well, i'm not monogamous, but he's monogamous And it becomes, you know, when you start putting these labels on everything, it gets like so confusing. But we, you know, every experience we have we share as a couple, no matter what's happening.
ElleciaHost11:12
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That's great. I love that you guys have found a dynamic that works really well for you. What would you say have been the biggest challenges?
CaseyGuest11:25
There have been a lot. So when we met he was also in the lifestyle for a few years, so he was an experienced guy. So we were both single. But when you're coming into a new relationship and you're coming from different ends of the spectrum, so if people aren't in the lifestyle they don't know It's a very different world for a single girl and a single guy in the lifestyle. It's like night and day for us. So now you're trying to blend us together And at that point in my life I was coming off, you know, years and years of heartbreak and guys not respecting me for being like this slutty, like powerful girl.
11:59
So I had built up all these walls and I was like this savage animal. When he met me And I didn't want to be contained, like for all these years I wanted a boyfriend And then the one guy that wants to be my boyfriend, i just gave him like all this hell because I took out all my anger from like these previous guys on him And I was so afraid to open up to one more person because I didn't think I could handle like another heartbreak. So he dealt with so much shit with me And then, you know, we had a balance. We actually met in a threesome my husband and I That's somebody else set up. We didn't know each other before we met in the threesome. It was pretty funny. So it was supposed to be like a one night stand and then we ended up getting married. So that's pretty crazy, That's amazing, yeah. But you know, even with a threesome it's like, okay, we met in a threesome with another guy, so like this should be easy. But now, moving forward, it's weird because when you have a third party, right, we started playing with like people I knew already And there was a very interesting like something was off with the power exchange.
13:05
Because now I have a new boyfriend and he's meeting guys I've known for years And like that history does come into play a little bit for me. You know, i want my boyfriend to feel like the most important guy in the room. I don't want him to feel secondary, some playmate that I've had for a long time. So in the beginning that was a little rocky And then I decided that we should only meet new people together. This way we could like bond over the experience and he wouldn't feel left out. It was my decision, not his, because then, you know, people would say, oh, he's not letting you do this or he's making you get rid of your partners, and I said, no, this is my decision. I want to have a nice relationship with this person And it's fucking with my head just as much as his it's, you know. So once we started playing with new people, we really did see a change where, you know, it was a process that we were equally involved in like who are we meeting, how are we communicating, what are our expectations for the date. So we started to really get closer as we were doing that. So for us personally, that was a very important change that we made.
14:11
And then we were together a little less than a year when COVID hit and I had just moved in with him. And it was so many changes, you know, i mean my late 30s. At that point I never lived with a guy. It was a new relationship. I was in a new state because we lived an hour away from each other, so I moved to his house. I didn't know anybody, i had no friends. I left my job. Then the world shut down And I had this massive like meltdown And I just I don't say it was a nervous breakdown, but it was like pretty close to some kind of crisis And I completely lost my sex drive. So for almost a year we didn't have sex. Once we lived with each other And that was really. Yeah, i see your face. Like you know, we met in this high energy world of sex And now I don't want to be touched. I don't want anything to do with it.
15:04
And now we're roommates in COVID. Yeah, it was horrible And it took so much time. I went to the doctor to make sure it wasn't my hormones, but it was all in my head. It was this mental. I just couldn't handle all the stressors, all these new things changing at once, and we fought like animals because like it was just the two of us locked in a house for a year, just arguing, not having sex, not knowing what my problem was Because he's like you know you would fuck all these guys with no problem. Now you can't fuck your own boyfriend, you know, and he wasn't wrong, but we didn't know what the problem was. So, little by little, we really had to work together And it sounds crazy, but we had to practice like intimacy and holding hands and making out and like oral sex And then sex. It took months and months.
15:52
It was a fucking nightmare And looking back, like I can't believe that I went through that, considering how sexual of a person I am. You know like neither of us expected that. But he was very patient and very understanding. You know we both had bad moments during that process but he stuck it out and we got through it And we came out of it this like really strong couple And after surviving that, i feel like there's nothing that we can't get through And it really opened up our communication and our trust for each other. And now you know there's nothing that we won't tell each other If it's about sex, not sex, you know, nothing's too embarrassing, nothing's too awkward, because we've been to like the bottom of hell together and we got through it And we came out with like more respect for each other and the closest connection that you know we had, and it just keeps getting stronger all the time. But again, we talk about everything all the time. It never stops, you know. You always have to make sure everybody is okay. And I also like to tell people that, on the active scale, we're fairly active in the lifestyle, i would say, because you know we don't have kids, we don't have all these restrictions, we can kind of do whatever we want.
17:06
But there are plenty of times when we decide like we're just going to take a break. We want to be together for a while, you know, and there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's very healthy. He should never rely on the lifestyle to have a good sex life with your partner. It's an enhancer, but I don't ever want it to be a necessity for us, you know.
17:27
And there's sometimes where he's like we should have a date tonight And I'm like I just want to watch a movie with you on the couch And he goes oh, that's so flattering, like you'd pass up sex with other guys to stay with me And I'm like you're my husband, of course I would, you know. Or maybe there's a night where I'm feeling crazy And he's like you know, i'm just really tired tonight. Can we do it tomorrow? Absolutely Like we're never going to fight over a date in the life, so like that's just never going to happen. And I think that's a really important thing for couples to realize that your relationship is always first, beyond anything else, that you or anyone that you allow to come into it.
ElleciaHost18:03
Yeah, yeah, i love that when you were describing how your libido dropped and the way you guys came back together was like spending intentional time together, holding hands, cuddling, doing things that were sexual but weren't like without the goal, and I think that that's really important because especially people like saying I'm very similar in that, like my husband and I, our relationship started with like a very high. It was a very sexual. We were doing a lot of really fun, crazy things, and so when life takes its toll and that isn't happening, i feel like it's an even bigger hit probably, i don't know to our egos or our self-esteem or something right, than if we had like kind of a typical relationship. So I just love that that's how you guys went through that and reconnected. It's beautiful.
CaseyGuest18:58
Yeah, and obviously for him it was hard because we weren't having sex, but for me it was like an identity crisis, like I didn't know who I was anymore If I wasn't having all of the sex and doing these crazy things that I love. Like who was I? I was like a shell of a person And I was so scared that I was never going to come out of that that I really made it Like. I dedicated so much energy and work to getting through that because I couldn't imagine living a life of like not having any intimacy anymore at such a young age. Like it scared the shit out of me. So you really have to put the energy and effort into making things work. Not everything is easy all the time And it's so tempting to just give up sometimes and take the easy way out and just give up on life, but you really can't. You have to fight for what you want if you really think it's worth it.
ElleciaHost19:49
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm curious what when you guys like recap after a date or a play party or something like that, like what are the, what are the Like? are there questions that you guys ask each other every time?
CaseyGuest20:08
It's a pretty consistent conversation. So generally we'll play, and I don't like to eat before a sex date, so then I'm always starving after. So we usually either go to a diner or I'll make something at home real quick. But we always eat and we talk. And right now our dynamic is one of where my husband has a lot of control over what's going on.
20:31
He generally picks the guys for me. You know he decides what he's in the mood to watch Is it black guys? Is it older guys? Young guys? One guy, five guys. So he has he's earned the right.
20:42
You know, this wasn't like day one He could do this for me, but we're close enough now or I can really trust him. So he'll choose that. And then at the end of the night, you know, he'll say you know, are you OK with who I picked? Who did you like? What did you not like? Did I say anything wrong? Because sometimes they'll tell guys, like you know, do this act. Or say this to her, you know, because I don't care, whatever. But he always checks at the end of the night Did I say anything you didn't like? Did I do anything you didn't like? Were there any points where you know something was wrong, and it's usually a no.
21:16
And then we'll always just like critique the guys together. We'll talk about like who had a really nice cock, who fucked me the best, who was a little disappointing. It's almost like we're girlfriends at that point, just like fishing on these guys. It's hilarious, you know, i love that about him, that he's not insecure at all about his masculinity. So he can totally say like you know, that guy had a really nice cock, or he loves to see him with guys like huge dicks, you know, even though he's very well equipped. But that's just his preference, you know. So we talk about all these things like we're just gal pals And it's so funny to me, like I love that part.
21:50
So I often I often say like the date itself is very intense, but the afterward part is really when we do like most of our bonding, i would say, because that's when we're really connecting, and then we have sex after you know. Or a lot of times, if we're at a hotel and the guys leave, like we'll shower together after you know. So we have this like aftercare. That goes into the dates. It's not like I fuck a bunch of people and then we just like ignore the fact that it happened, like it keeps going after the date And even a lot of times before dates.
22:23
He'll shower me, he'll help me shave my legs, he'll pick out my outfit. Like there's so much more going on in the process between our relationship before the hotel and after the hotel, and those are the parts that are really the most personal And you really feel like that connection with your partner when you're doing those things And I mean the sex is super fun and hot And yes, you're, you know, making memories together, but the physical part sometimes is not the most important part of what's happening.
ElleciaHost22:52
Yeah, yeah, oh, that's great. I imagine you feel really taken care of with that kind of before and aftercare.
CaseyGuest23:00
Yes, i love it Like a little princess, you know. And it's funny because people say to me well, you know, because I say, like I'm this empowered female, like how could you be empowered when you're letting your husband like tell you who to fuck and whatever? And I'm like it's not even about that anymore, because you know we're in a relationship together. It's not one sided. He's not making me do things I don't want to do. He knows what I like to do and that's what he's making me do. So it's like you know, and the stuff that I do turns him on So he fucks me better. Like you know, there's no one really in charge, no matter how it appears to other people in the process. Like, we know that we're equals. We've discussed everything beforehand.
23:41
Just because he's telling a guy what to do versus me saying it, he's representing me in my eyes. You know what I mean. He's not going to say something that I would be offended by or humiliated by or I would be like, oh my God, i would never do that in a million years. You know, like we understand each other at this point. So I have no problem with him being like my representative.
24:02
You know, it doesn't bother me. I don't think it takes away from being empowered. I've never once felt used or belittled in this way. You know it turns both of us on And I think that's the empowering part that I found somebody that appreciates this side of me and plays along with it, and really he's actually a big motivating part of it. He was the one that was like if you want to do only fans, go for it. You know he's all about me expressing myself And you know, even before this video I said he was the one that said, sure, put your face in it. You know he has no problem with anything. So that's empowering in itself to have a partner that, like, really encourages you to be yourself and do whatever you want.
ElleciaHost24:46
Yes, I love that. A partner who encourages you to be yourself, That is like that's so good. That's so good. Ok, I think People are going to be upset if I don't ask you this How do you find people to play with?
CaseyGuest25:08
We are members of a couple of like adult websites, so generally there we do go to like clubs or parties once in a while, but generally we like to do our own selecting. So you can like post an ad online or people message you. We get also get a ton of messages from people on Instagram that hear me on podcasts, but generally those don't really pay, that we prefer to play with people that are in the lifestyle. I think it's a little easier. They understand the etiquette a little bit better and it just makes it a little more seamless. You know I get a lot of messages from people on Instagram that just write like Hey, can I urge you on a podcast? Can I fuck you? You know, and I'm like that's really not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for it All right. It's like that's not really how this works. Or you know they don't understand that my husband is actually going to be there watching this. You know they want me to come out by myself. So we have.
26:13
You know we're not opposed to it a hundred percent, but generally it's just easier to play with guys that understand our dynamic and have respect for it and experience with it. It's also, you know, hard for people that have never had group sex before or a threesome to just perform the first time Great, you know. So we like guys that are, you know, are not shy and can perform well under pressure, you know, which is a little easier. But yeah, i would say mostly, you know, on swinger sites and stuff. That's where we find everybody And we do play with people repeatedly. I know some couples have like a one-time only rule, but if we like guys, we have no problem seeing them again. But my husband loves to watch me with new guys, so we always have to meet new people.
ElleciaHost26:59
Yeah, yeah, i okay. I want to reiterate something you said, that a lot of times, when people are new to group sex scenarios, it's hard to perform. I just want to say that again. I try to normalize that all the time, because a lot of people with penises think I'm going to get this ultimate fantasy fulfilled. And then they show up to it and they're like, oh, this is really overwhelming and my body is not performing the way that I was hoping it would perform and they feel a lot of you know, like shame and disappointment And I just I like I want to normal. I want people to know like that's actually normal, like that happens a lot.
CaseyGuest27:36
It's a very popular problem And I think it's also important to know like your comfort level going into this, like I've been doing this so long now where I don't really need introductions, i don't need to get to know you, like I can just have sex like the snap of a finger. You know, if you're new to this, you might want to have drinks, you might want to have a conversation with people, maybe you don't want to play on the first date and that's fine, just like know your boundaries. But I hate when people come in super hot and aggressive that have never done this before and they talk all this shit about how all the stuff's going to happen and then they're just like in shock when you get naked. You know, like just be honest, say this is your first time, new un-short, like that's totally fine, everybody's had a first experience.
28:22
But just be honest about it, because then we'll be more accommodating. Also, you know, like maybe I'll tone down my aggressiveness with you and won't scare you away, like it's okay. And not everybody. You know everybody has different play styles. Everybody wants a different type of sex for their partner. You know some people want sensual guys, some people want rough guys. Just find people that want what you want. Don't go for someone that wants the opposite type of date from you. You know what I mean, cause now you're just setting yourself up for failure. So I always tell people try to really pick, you know, compatible people with you, cause there are so many And if someone says no thank you to you, that's fine. There are other people. This isn't. I think that's.
29:06
Another myth is that people think everyone in the lifestyle is fucking every other person in the lifestyle, and it's not like that. We are selective, we are choosy. We still want people that we want. It's not. I'm not just gonna fuck everybody cause you say hi to me. So you know, don't be offended when people say no thank you. It's just like the real dating world. Not everybody is a match for everyone And that's perfectly fine. Like, do not let that crush yourself, esteem, don't make it. You know you feel like you're never gonna meet anybody. It's just a normal part of the process.
ElleciaHost29:39
Yeah, the other question I had was about If somebody is new, say a couple, is opening up and wanting to explore, and so here's the thing that I often see is people are scared to get on on like website like Swinger websites are like oh my God, what if? what if people see me there? Oh, then they're already there, they're already there.
CaseyGuest30:07
Yeah, they're not going to like bust you because then you're going to bust that. You know. There is this like unwritten rule of etiquette that you don't, you know, ruin everybody, anybody's cover. If you recognize somebody, you have the option to just like avoid them and not, you know, message them but you don't like blow up their spot because that's so hypocritical, you know. But it's funny how many people won't even meet people that live in like the area they lie about where they live, because they're afraid you're going to run into them. Like I always like to have local playmates because it's just so much easier, right, like why do I want to play with those three hours away when someone's 15 minutes away? it's so much easier. But again, my husband and I don't have that fear or that worry about people running into us or finding out. Like we've been out in public places and we've totally ran into guys that we had dates with. We just wave and you move on. Like you don't make a big scene about it. You know it's not the end of the world, but I think you're going to say what's how would I suggest getting into the life? so, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I mean I think I went a good route.
31:13
When I first started, my first experience was just going to a club. I think that's a great way for couples because a you are not pressured to do anything. You don't even have to talk to anybody, you can just observe. You can just see what it's like, what other people are doing. You can play together. You can like see if you're exhibitionist, if you're a lawyer, what attracts you, like that's happening. Some places have, like you know, fun sex like props and equipment that you can try. And also, i think a huge thing for me was just learning to be naked in front of other people. Right, because we're raised that your body is private. You need to be modest and humble. So the first time I went to a club and people were naked, i was like holy shit, like why aren't they embarrassed?
ElleciaHost32:01
And to this day, that the best, the best thing for your own self esteem and like body image. Holy shit, that blew my mind. I was like oh my god, i'm hot.
CaseyGuest32:11
Especially like, not that you're comparing yourself with other people. What when you see people that are like, maybe a bigger size than you or not as fit, you know, and they're running around naked, not giving a fuck? it's so inspiring and empowering, like, oh my god, like, why am I ashamed of myself? like no one cares here. You know, the same thing with going to nude beaches No one gives a shit what you look like human body. And this past year my husband and I got really into nude camping because we have an RV And we fucking love it. It's like the best thing ever.
32:44
We have a trouble going to regular campsites now, but like people, you know, it's crazy because we meet a lot of people even in the lifestyle that go. I would never have the courage to go to a nude beach or a nude camping resort And I'm like, but why? you know what are you afraid of? If you can have sex with someone naked, you know you should be comfortable enough for yourself because, again, no one is paying attention to you. It's a very personal experience being at nude places And it's really all about, like, your confidence. And it's funny because it's one thing to be naked when, like, you're in like a sexy pose or like doing something flattering with your body. But we started bike riding, playing tennis, naked. You know your boobs are bouncing, your stomach is like wrinkling And I got over it because no one else cared. Everybody's else's body was doing the same thing And it really makes you like appreciate just being comfortable and, you know, being secure with what you have. And that's been one of the most like amazing experiences that I've had through all of this And like I just wish other people would give it a chance, because people are always like, oh, i'm too fat to go, i'm not in shape enough, i'm too old to go. You are not. Anybody can go and it will change your life. I'm a real, firm believer in that.
34:07
But going back to the swing club, i think it's a great starter because, again, no pressure, you know you just get a sense of it for you and your partner, what you like, what interests you, what you're comfortable with, and you can go so slow There. You know there's. There's no rules to what you have to do or what you can't do. Some people might find that they just want to play in public with their own partner and never touch anyone And that's fine. You know it, really there's no rules, but I feel like that's so much easier than jumping into like a date with somebody and not knowing how to do it And not knowing how you guys feel about stuff, and I just think it's. It really starts to open your minds like all of these new things, all these possibilities, and it's just a good starting point and then you branch out from there.
ElleciaHost34:58
Yeah, yeah, yeah, i completely agree. I completely agree. I that was my husband I first time we went to a club and we agreed we weren't going to like play with anyone or anything and we just went and we watched and we went to a private room and played together and then we went home and spend a couple of days talking about all the different feelings. All the different feelings, yeah it's like.
CaseyGuest35:24
It's like an explosion of you know, all these different senses going off at one time that you didn't even knew existed, because you're taught that all these things are wrong and like they should never be happening in their taboo. So it it sounds silly, but it does take time to process all of these things. You know, and I think people, it's okay to take things slowly. You don't have to escalate what you're doing in a certain timeframe because other people are. You can stay at one level for like years if you want. You know everybody's different.
ElleciaHost35:56
Yeah, yeah, that's beautiful. I love it. Is there anything that you want to share with listeners that I haven't asked you?
CaseyGuest36:08
Um, i think another thing about the lifestyle is to remember that consent. You know some people think because you're in the lifestyle, you're giving up your consent. You know, like if you agree to be somewhere now, you're, just like you know, open season for anybody to touch you. If people are new entering the lifestyle, that is not the case. You always ask permission before you touch someone. Like this is not just like grab people and like sexually harass people at all. We still have boundaries, we still have rules. You know you ask permission. No means no And I always like to tell people, even if you started with a yes and you start playing, you can say no at any time, guy or girl. You know, because we always talk about females with consent. But guys have the right to stop things too if they don't feel like comfortable with what's happening.
37:00
So I've had plenty of times where I was in the middle of a date and I no longer felt comfortable, so I stopped it and I left and it fucking sucks. It's embarrassing, but your self esteem and your safety is much more important at the end of the day than like embarrassing or hurting someone's feelings, you know. So whether you're at a club or you're on a date by yourself, it's your body, it's your choice. You decide what should happen to it for the entire like extent of that date. So never. I don't want people to feel like, oh, i told them I would go to the room with them. Now I have to do X, y and Z, like it's never too late to stop what's happening.
37:39
I think that's a really big thing. And just that you know you still treat people with respect. Even though we're doing sexual things together, we're still normal people and you still approach us with like class and respect. And for us at least, with me and my husband, it's really important that you acknowledge my husband if you approach me somewhere. And I think the general rule I would say is, if you see a couple and you're a guy, you should, you know, address the husband first, just as respect because I am his wife, like you know, that's like you wouldn't go up to a vanilla girl at a bar and just talk to her when her husband is standing there. It's the same, the same protocol. You know, if you want to sleep with someone's wife, you should at least be polite to them in the beginning. you know, but people you're laughing, but people don't realize this shit. Yeah, like it's such common sense and people just they miss the mark on it and it makes such a bad impression that it's a huge turnoff to a lot of people.
ElleciaHost38:35
Yeah, yeah, let's just acknowledge everyone here. Yeah, um, how can people find you?
CaseyGuest38:43
So my Instagram is at inbedwithstrangersofficial and only fans. I am a hot wife, life 869. And then on my Instagram is my link tree. It has all of my book links, all of my podcast interviews, all of my other information like that. And oh, and I also just started a newsletter so people can sign up for that If you email me at inbedwithstrangers at outlookcom. So that's a new thing, so people could stay up to date. I'm like where I'll be what we're doing.
ElleciaHost39:16
Yeah, awesome, and I'll put all the links in the in the show notes. I have one more question. I have a segment that we only share with the supporters of the show patreoncom, not monogamous, called just the tip, and the question is what is your best or favorite sex tip?
CaseyGuest39:41
Yeah, absolutely Amazing.
ElleciaHost39:47
I love it. Thank you so much.
CaseyGuest39:49
Oh, no problem, it was a pleasure being here.
ElleciaHost39:53
Absolutely. That was Casey Donatello sharing her real world adventures in the lifestyle and nonmonogamy. And also, if you are one of our patreons at patreoncom, slash not monogamous. You got to hear her just the tip her sex tip. If you'd like to hear that, go join the Patreon. You also will get access to a call with me every month and other great content. And go ahead and leave a review. That would make me super, super, super stoked. Bye.