Metamours, Friendship, and the Myth of Instant Kitchen Table Polyamory, EP. 149
What are metamour relationships supposed to look like in non-monogamy?
Do you have to be instant best friends… or even chosen family… with your partner’s partner?
In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine explores the real emotional pacing of metamour connections. From the pressure to create “kitchen table polyamory” right away, to the importance of chemistry, play, and nervous system safety, this conversation offers grounded insight for anyone navigating polyamory, open relationships, or complex love dynamics.
You’ll learn why authentic metamour relationships grow through shared experiences over time, not performance or obligation, and how to build connection in ways that feel sustainable for your real life.
Whether you’re new to non-monogamy or deep in your journey, this episode will help you release unrealistic expectations and create more compassionate, conscious relationship dynamics.
In this episode we explore:
• What kitchen table polyamory really means (and common misconceptions)
• Why expecting instant closeness with metamours can create pressure
• How friendship chemistry and pacing impact polyamorous relationships
• The role of play and shared experiences in building trust
• How to allow metamour relationships to develop naturally
• Emotional safety, authenticity, and sustainable connection in non-monogamy
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] Ellecia: Do you ever wonder what your relationship with your metamour is supposed to look like? Like are you all meant to become best friends, chosen family group chat memes and holiday dinners and brunch dates? Or is it okay if it feels slower than that? A little more awkward, a little more uncertain? Um. Today I wanna talk about how metamour relationships actually grow in real life.
Uh, what helps them feel safe? What can make them feel a little bit harder? And why the pressure to instantly become like kitchen table polyamorous can actually backfire on you. I'm Ellecia Paine, your host of, Nope we're Not Monogamous, and your non-monogamy coach. Welcome back. I hope you enjoy the show.
So, uh, one of my biggest [00:01:00] guiding principles in basically any relational situation is to always treat people like a friend first. Uh, which sounds obvious, but most of us don't actually do that. So what I mean by that is when I mentally remove the romance, the sex, the complex relationship labels out of the equation, it becomes a lot easier to figure out how I wanna show up in my relationships, in my friendship.
Right. If my partner were a close friend, which he is, and I wanted to get to know someone he was spending time with, what would I do? I'd probably be curious, warm, respectful. I'd allow the connection to unfold naturally. Um, and this kind of mindset, this shift can take a lot of pressure out of Metamor dynamics, out of the,
out of the whole polyamorous, or even just like [00:02:00] non-monogamy as as a whole, it takes the pressure off, right? Because suddenly you're not trying to be like good at polyamory. You're not not performing the way you think you're supposed to, but you're just being like a decent human, getting to know another human.
And there's this idea that gets talked about, like it's the gold standard, right? Kitchen table polyamory, everyone comfortably hanging out together, being like family sharing meals, planning their calendars out together, and, and that can be really beautiful. I've seen it be deeply supportive and connective.
And it's also not the only way and it doesn't work for everyone, right? And I wanna be really real here because this isn't something that I only understand, like intellectually. Um, I have been through many [00:03:00] variations of polyamory, the ups and downs of metamour relationships myself. I've had experiences where friendship grew easily.
Where there was like warmth, shared laughter, mutual care, where it genuinely felt like a beautiful expansion of my chosen family. And I've also had experiences that felt super freaking awkward, right? Like tender, vulnerable, but sometimes misaligned, sometimes even painful. Uh, I'm thinking of one specific experience that really shaped how I understand this now.
I had a metamour who was feeling like hurt and frustrated with our hinge partner because she didn't feel like I was becoming close friends with her. Like she didn't feel like we were building the kind of family or community that she was hoping to have out of polyamory. And part of what made that dynamic challenging was how quickly that expectation for closeness showed up.
Like there was this underlying assumption [00:04:00] that because we were connected through the same partner that we should naturally be developing a deep friendship right away. And it, at one point it showed up in like really practical ways. Like she was upset that I wasn't offering to babysit her kids. Uh, and I remember feeling, which I wouldn't do, I, I had this like mix of confusion and pressure because from my perspective, we were still in the early stages of simply like getting to know each other.
Um, we hadn't built that level of trust or intimacy or closeness yet. Not to mention I had a very full schedule at the time. Uh, my life already had a lot of commitments and moving parts to it, and I mean, honestly, it, we also just didn't have like an easy natural chemistry. Like there wasn't anything wrong with either of us, but the connection just didn't flow well.
It wasn't effortless. It wasn't easy. We didn't have a lot in common. And that [00:05:00] experience really highlighted for me how different people's timelines and needs, how different they can be around metamour relationships, right? For some people, kitchen table polyamory represents like safety and reassurance and community, and it feels really stabilizing to imagine everyone being deeply connected.
And for other people being expected to move into that level of closeness before it, it feels authentic, can be really overwhelming and, and intrusive. Or like they're being asked to perform a role that they haven't grown into yet and may never grow into. And so I, I took away from that a deeper respect for pacing, uh, like friendship, trust, and family-like bonds are really, really meaningful, but they usually grow through time and shared experiences.
And a genuine mutual desire for that, right? They don't grow through like pressure or expectation or because you're supposed to fit into this particular box. And, and I've learned that metamour [00:06:00] relationships have their own pace, their own chemistry. They have their own seasons. Some deepen into real friendship, some stay kind, but spacious, some need distance to stay healthy.
And none of that automatically means anyone is doing anything wrong. Uh, for me, one of the biggest shifts was realizing that I didn't need to force like family energy. I could focus on friendliness. I could be respectful, uh, care for their humanity, and trust that whatever connection was meant to grow would grow in its own over time.
Right. But expecting someone new to suddenly feel that level of closeness is. A really big ask, like you're asking a person who just entered your life to feel emo, like safe, emotionally safe and open and bonded inside what is already an established relational ecosystem that can feel like being dropped into a family reunion where everyone else already knows the lore, right?
They know the songs, the stories, the rules, and most people don't [00:07:00] instantly relax in that kind of environment. And that's really, really human and really, really normal. So, while a lot of people talk about wanting kitchen table polyamory and like, like that is the goal for a lot of people because they want community out of polyamory.
Um, it shouldn't be the expectation because for many people, uh, parallel polyamory, right? Where, where the relationships are running side by side and, and rarely cross paths is the best way for others. Um, I really like the idea of garden party polyamory where, uh, you know, like, uh. My partners, my family, my metamours, their partners, right?
We get together, you know, for barbecues for maybe birthday parties or holidays. Um, but it's not, we aren't planning our lives around each other or our schedules. Um, it's just like, you know, going to a friend's party and hanging out with their friends, even though you guys don't all hang out together all the time.
Uh, they're all [00:08:00] like really valid. Um. Uh, one of the biggest challenges that I see often is people really trying to force relationships that don't have the time to grow yet, right? Like, friendships have a natural chemistry to them. Uh, sometimes they click really easily, some stay friendly, but like spacious.
Some just never become really close. And healthy polyamory comes from things that are sustainable from sustainability rather than everyone just being treated the same or, or being pushed into boxes that are, are pre-designed for them. Right? And when people are feeling this and pressure to perform, comfort to perform, like they pretend they fit in, they're overriding their natural nervous system signals and that later can.
Create a lot of resentment and a lot of, uh, like shutdown. Um, you wind up having to do a lot of work later [00:09:00] to fix what happened.
So I wanna, I really wanna talk about this piece 'cause I think it's really important. Let's remember how friendships actually form, right? As kids, we build connection through play. We run around, we create things, we build things, we laugh, we share experiences. And it just happens. I mean, now, uh, parents now we're often like creating play dates for our kids and trying to get them to be friends with the people that we wanna hang out with, uh, or friends with the kids of the people we wanna hang out with.
Which works often because you create an environment for them to go play in and then they become friends and as adults. We try to build friendships and connection by like, sitting across from each other and having intense, getting to know you [00:10:00] conversations, um, which, eh, it's hard guys. Have you tried making friends as an adult?
It's like, hi, will you be my friend?
But notice what happens in romantic relationships, okay? Romantic relationships form so much faster compared to adult friendships, and I think that's because the play comes back, right? You go on dates, you go on adventures, there's novelty, and that playful energy accelerates the bonding. So if you wanna build friendship.
With a metamor, with a partner, whatever, uh, with anybody. One of the easiest ways to develop friendship is to create like low pressure, playful, shared experiences, right? Like maybe you do an escape room together, or you go hiking somewhere beautiful, or you have board game nights, or you work on creative projects or go dancing or camping or try something new [00:11:00] together.
Play creates this nervous system safety. It reduces. Performance energy. It allows the connection to grow organically, and you're not just sitting across from each other going like, are we doing polyamory? Right. I sure hope so. Right? You're just being humans, having fun and having shared experiences, and that's where real friendships starts.
So, you know, like some metamours will become chosen family, some will be warm acquaintances, some will remain mostly parallel, but respectful. All of these are very healthy outcomes, and the goal isn't to force everyone into ki into like a kitchen table fantasy. The goal is to create emotional safety and long term, long term sustainability for everyone.
And ironically, when you release the pressure. For instant closeness and friendship, you create more space for an authentic friendship to grow. [00:12:00] So if you're navigating metamour relationships right now, a a gentler question might be this, not how do we become deeply connected right away, but what small steps would help this feel a little more human, like, a little more relaxed, a little safer?
What tiny bridges can I build to create some connection here?
And like let these relationships unfold at the speed of, of trust, right? If you take nothing else from this conversation, nothing else, I hope you get this. You don't have to force metamour relationships to look a certain way in order to be doing polyamory or non-monogamy, quote unquote, right? Okay.
Connection is not something we can, we can manufacture, that we can create on command. It grows through time and shared experience. And mutual willingness and emotional safety, and some will become deeply loving friendships. Some will stay light, some will need space. All of [00:13:00] it can be healthy. But really like please prioritize authenticity over performing, like build connections in ways that are sustainable for your real life.
Also. Okay. If this conversation is, is bringing things up for you and you're realizing that you're trying to navigate these dynamics on your own and, and it feels weird, like you don't have to, this is the kind of work I support people with every day, helping you create relationships that feel secure and grounded and aligned for who you actually are.
And if you want support, you can book a free clarity call with me. We'll talk about what's happening in your relationships now. What feels hard, what feels easy, what would genuinely help? Uh, you can go to Elleciapaine.com/call or grab the link in the show notes. And if you enjoy these conversations, one of the best ways to support the podcast is to follow it, subscribe, or leave [00:14:00] a review or share the episode with someone who might need it.
But like, click something so that other people find us. It helps more people find the work. It lets me know what topics are resonating with you. Also, if you click on the show notes, there's a little text us link. If you want to text a question, uh, or a topic that you would like me to cover, do that. Drop me a line or send me a message on, you know, all the social medias.
Bye.