Needs vs Wants in Non-Monogamy: There’s No Prize for Needing Less EP.145
Struggling to tell the difference between needs vs wants in non-monogamy?
If you’ve learned to be “low maintenance” and tolerate a lot, you might be minimizing your emotional needs without realizing it.
In this episode, we explore how trauma, people-pleasing, and polyamory culture can teach us to need less, and why you’re allowed to want more.
There’s no prize for needing less.
You’re not needy. You’re human.
What You’ll Learn
• Why “needs vs wants” is the wrong question to ask
• How childhood conditioning and trauma affect your ability to ask for more
• The hidden cost of calling yourself “low maintenance”
• How this shows up specifically in non-monogamy and polyamory
• Better questions to ask your nervous system instead
• How to stop disappearing in your relationships
• Why your desires deserve space too
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter
❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous
👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/
Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
TRANSCRIPT:
Hey friends, welcome back to Nope, we're not monogamous, the podcast where we get real about relationships and feelings and jealousy and desire and all the messy human stuff that people don't really teach us how to navigate. I'm Ellecia Paine , your non-monogamous relationship coach. And I'm really excited that you're here. I'm excited to remind you that you are not broken. You're definitely not too much. And around here, we talk about how to build relationships that actually feel safe and connected instead of just like white-knuckling our way through them. Today's episode came straight out of my Facebook group, also called Nope, We're Not Monogamous. Someone in there asked a question that stopped me in my tracks, like full body pause. They asked, or they said, I have a hard time calling anything a need unless I would literally die without it. Food is a need, shelter is a need, but emotional stuff feels like a want because I can tolerate life without it. I don't know if that sounds familiar to you, but it did to me. Uh kind of hit me in the chest a little. You know, this isn't a vocabulary question, which a lot of people uh turn it into. A lot of people want to sit here and debate the definitions of needs versus wants. But this is actually a nervous system question. This is a question about our conditioning, our social conditioning. This is a how did I learn to disappear so quietly question. So I want to talk to you guys about needs versus wants, why so many of us minimize our desires, and why you don't have to turn something into like a life or death emergency for it to matter. So a lot of us learned like really young, really early on, that having emotional needs was inconvenient, unsafe, or just like those needs weren't gonna get met, right? Maybe you were the like overly responsible one, or you were the easy one, or maybe you were praised for being low maintenance, independent, chill, or so mature for your age. Which, by the way, is usually code for you learned how to need less, right? And for some of us, this runs even deeper than like our personalities. It's uh trauma. It's not always like a big dramatic capital T trauma, but sometimes this comes from like the quiet kind, the kind where you learned don't ask, don't rock the boat, don't be too much, don't make other people uncomfortable with your feelings. Because when you did, uh maybe you got dismissed or corrected or guilted or ignored or told to go away, go cry in your room, right? And your nervous system got really smart. It was like, cool, got it. Needing things isn't safe. So let's just stop. Tolerance for many of us kind of became this like survival strategy and a skill. Like you get really good at enduring, really good at like self-soothing alone, really good at convincing yourself, it's fine. I don't actually need that. So, of course, now as an adult, you look at emotional desires and you run them through a survival filter. Will I literally die without this? No? Cool, then I guess it's not a need. I don't need it. But survival is like a super freaking low bar for a relationship. Okay, guys. We're not trying to barely make it through love. We're allowed to actually feel nourished by it. We're allowed to feel nourished by our relationships and want that. Okay. And then so we walk into adulthood with this invisible rule book in our heads. Only needs are allowed, wants are extra, desires are selfish, wanting things is negotiable or the things you want is negotiable. And we start ranking our desires like we're trying to be the least inconvenient person in the room. And I see this constantly, especially in non-monogamy, where people say things like, uh, I don't need the reassurance, or I don't need more time, it would be nice. I don't need to feel prioritized, I don't need a label, I don't need to feel chosen. And then I'm like, okay, but do you want those things? Because there's a huge difference between I don't need it and I'm afraid to ask for it. And a lot of the time when we say that something isn't a need, what we actually mean is I don't want to be too much, I don't want to scare them away, I don't want to look needy, I don't want to risk being told no, I don't want to feel rejected. So we just like pre-reject ourselves. We talk ourselves out of our own desires before anyone else even gets the chance. And then we like pretend that that's the mature thing to do. We're independent or we're just being cool or being chill. And a lot of the times it's like we're just self-abandoning with like good PR. And and here's where the needs versus wants framework quietly screws us over. Okay. Because needs feel justified. They they feel serious, they feel like they're allowed. But wants and desires feel like they're optional, disposable, like you should be able to swallow them for the greater good. And every time you label something a want, you're basically telling yourself that this doesn't matter that much and I can live without it. And technically, yeah, yeah, you can. You can live without so many things. You can absolutely live without affection. You can live without deep connection, you can live without being cherished. You can live without water for a couple of days and without food for a couple of weeks. Um, but is that the life you're actually trying to build? Because the surviving a relationship and feeling deeply nourished inside one are wildly different experiences. And I don't know about you, but I didn't open my relationships or do all of this personal growth work just to barely tolerate my life. Right? I want to feel lit up. I want to feel safe and wanted and chosen at home in my body. And those might be technically once on paper, but they're non-negotiable for my heart. They're non-negotiable for me. So here's the reframe that honestly changed my whole life. Okay. And I don't say that lightly. At some point, I stopped asking myself if this is a need. And I started asking, does this matter to me? Because those are two very different questions. One is about survival, and the other is really like boils down to self-respect. And somewhere along the way, we got taught that only survival-level things are allowed to shape our choices. Like the only valid reason to want something is if you'd literally crumble without it. And that's a pretty wild standard. Okay. We we don't build beautiful lives based on what we can survive. We build them based on what makes us feel alive. And this is where I really want to normalize that wants are valid. Your desires are valid. You don't have to upgrade something into a need to justify it. You don't have to build a courtroom case for your own desires. You're allowed to want something simply because it feels good, because it feels aligned for you, because your body softens when you imagine having it. And that's enough. This got really real for me in my relationships because I realized I can tolerate a lot. I am so wildly adaptable and resilient, I can rationalize just about anything and I can make almost any dynamic make sense in my head, right? I can absolutely tell myself it's fine. I'm fine, this is fine. And technically I would survive. But surviving my relationships is not the goal. I don't want to be the cool girl who needs nothing. I don't want to be the enlightened poly person who pretends I'm above wanting reassurance or affection or being chosen. I want to feel cherished and I want to feel desired, and I want to feel like someone is excited to love me. And I won't die without that, but I also won't build my life without that anymore. And that's a really, really important distinction. The difference between I can live without this and I'm willing to live without this is freaking huge. Okay. Just because you can tolerate something does not mean that you should have to. You get to design your relationships around what feels nourishing for you, not just what you can endure. So if we stop obsessing over whether something is technically a need or a want, what the heck do we use instead? Okay. Uh, because I I'm not interested in just blowing up the framework and leaving you hanging. Okay. I want you to have something you can actually lean on. So here's what I personally use and what I coach my clients through all the time. Instead of asking, is this a need or is this a want? I get way more curious about my body and my future self. Okay. So here's here's the questions. Does this support my nervous system? Do I feel more relaxed or contracted when this is present in my life? Do I feel like more of myself or do I feel like less of myself? You want to ask yourself these questions and pay attention to what pay attention to what your body says because your body, your body knows way before your brain does. Your brain will like rationalize anything. Your brain will be like, it's fine, you're being dramatic, don't ask for more, don't rock the boat, don't push the buttons, be chill. Meanwhile, your body is over here like clenching its jaw, tight shoulders, not sleeping, butterflies in your stomach. Your body is the truth teller. So sometimes I'll literally pause and imagine two futures. Future A, I never ask for this thing. I keep calling it a want, I keep tolerating. Future B, I honor that it matters and I speak it out loud. And I just notice which version of me feels softer, which one feels heavier, which one feels resentful. Because resentment is usually a sign that we abandoned ourselves somewhere and we're holding our boundaries. Okay. And another question I love is if I keep pretending this doesn't matter, do I slowly disappear in this relationship? That one usually gets people quiet real fast. Because so many of us don't explode, we don't fight, we don't make dramatic exits. We slowly fade, we get smaller, we get quieter, we're more easygoing. Until one day we wake up and we're like, why do I feel lonely next to someone I love? And it's often because we've minimized ourselves to stay lovable. And something else I want to normalize here is you don't need a spreadsheet of evidence to justify wanting something. Okay? You don't have to prove that it's logical or valid or fair or universally agreed upon. Sometimes the reason is simply this matters to me. That's enough. You're allowed to build your relationships around what actually nourishes you. Not just what you're gonna tolerate without falling apart, okay? We are not aiming for barely functional love. We're aiming for alive and connected and safe and lit up love. Okay, and this is where the whole thing gets really loud in non-monogamy. Because open relationships will surface every place that you've learned to minimize yourself. They will just make them bigger. It'll make them louder, like immediately. Okay. Monogamy lets you hide a bit. Non-monogamy is like, oh, hey, here's all your attachment wounds. Enjoy. And I say that with so much love, okay? Because I see this pattern constantly with my clients and myself, like everyone, right? People bending themselves into emotional pretzels to try to be good at non-monogamy, to be good at polyamory, trying to be evolved, trying to be like so cool and chill, trying not to be needy. They'll say things like, I don't, I don't need that reassurance. I don't need to know the details. I don't need more time together. My focus on the need here. I don't need to feel prioritized. I don't, I don't need to limit my partner. I don't want to limit their partner, my partner, I don't want to be controlling, I don't want to ask for too much. On the surface, it sounds really mature, it sounds really uh kind and loving, self-aware, very like I've read the books, I've listened to the podcast. But underneath that, a lot of the time there's like this fear, this fear to rock the boat, fear to be replaced, fear of looking insecure, fear that if you ask for what you want, they'll decide you're way too much work. So instead of risking reject rejection, we just pre-abandon ourselves, right? We go like it's fine, I don't need it. I'll be okay. Even when our chest is tight, even when we're crying in the freaking shower, even when we secretly feel lonely. And then what happens is really sneaky because it's not traumatic, okay? It's not usually a big fight, it's quiet. You start to feel a little bit numb, a little resentful, a little disconnected, attraction fades, intimacy drops. You start fantasizing about escape or starting over. And not because non-monogamy doesn't work, not because your partner is terrible or bad, but because you disappeared. You aren't you, you stopped advocating for yourself. You built a relationship around what you could tolerate instead of what you really, really wanted. Okay, and and then maybe you blow up, right? Then maybe shit hits the fan. But here's the part I want, I want you to know non-monogamy does not require you to need less. It requires you to know yourself more, to get radically honest about what actually helps you feel safe and secure and loved and turned on and lit up. Because pretending that you don't want things does not make you enlightened or a better partner or more lovable or more worthy or more valuable. It makes you lonely. And I don't know about you, but I did not do all of this work and choose this life and have all of these freaking brave conversations just to feel lonely in my relationships. I want connection that feels really good, that feels warm in my body. Um, I want partnerships where my desires get to be, to exist in the room, where I get to have a voice. And that's not needy. That's so human. And honestly, most of the time when someone is calling you needy, what they really mean is your needs are inconvenient for me. That does not mean you're too much. It just means maybe you're not asking the right people. So here's what I want you to walk away with today. Like if you forget everything else and only remember one thing, let it be this. You are allowed to want what you want. And you don't have to prove that it's logical or valid. You don't have to prove it's necessary, you don't have to prove that you'd die without it or your relationship would end without it. And you don't have to shrink your desires down to survival to make them legitimate. You don't have to build relationships that all you can do is tolerate, okay? You want relationships that feel good in your bodies, that feel warm, steady, safe, yummy. There's no prize for needing the least amount. There's no gold star for being the lowest maintenance, coolest, most self-sacrificing partner in the room. Nobody hands you a trophy that says, Congratulations, you successfully abandoned yourself for love. And yet so many of us are out here trying to win that game. I've done it. I have absolutely twisted myself into knots, trying to be the easiest person to love. Trying not to ask for too much, trying to be cool, trying to be the enlightened polygirl who didn't need reassurance or attention or tenderness. And you know what? It didn't make me happier. Okay. It it made me quieter and smaller and lonelier. And at some point I realized, oh, I don't actually want to be low maintenance. I am not actually a low maintenance person. I want to be deeply met. I want to be known. I want to be chosen and cherished. And I want my desires to be welcome. And the right people do not experience that as too much. The right people go, oh, thank God you're honest. Me too. So maybe the work isn't actually learning how to need less. Maybe the work is lean learning how to like how to tell the truth about what you want. And trusting that the relationships meant for you, the relationships that work for you, can actually hold that truth. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting connection, and you're not dramatic for wanting reassurance, and you're not needy for wanting to feel loved. You're so freaking human. You are, you were born absolutely lovable. You get to build, you get to build a life that feels like it. So if this episode stirred something in you, I'd love for you to sit with this one question this week. What have I been calling, oh, it's just a want? What have I been saying, like, oh, it's not a need, that actually really matters to me? And what would it look like to treat that like it counts? And if you want support with this, if if you you're learning how to stop disappearing in your relationships and start actually advocating for yourself without guilt or panic or shame. That's literally the work I do every day with my clients. You don't have to figure it all out alone. All right. Like you you can have help. Uh, I'm so glad you're here. Thank you so much for listening. Hit share, subscribe. Leave me a comment. Tell me what you think, right? Tell me, tell me, tell me what what worked for you. And um, if you want support, you can grab Clarity Chat for free, uh, www.Elleciapaine.com/chat or grab the link in the show notes. Thanks for being here. Bye.