The Cost of Shrinking: When Monogamy Doesn’t Fit, Ep. 123
“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy with what I have? Why do I keep wanting more when I already have a ‘good’ relationship?”
If that question has been looping in your head, this episode is for you. Spoiler: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just been taught your whole life that love only “counts” if it fits in the monogamy box—even if that box is crushing you.
I’m getting real about my own story—how I contorted myself in my first marriage until I barely recognized who I was, why I stayed way too long, and how my second marriage turned into something more honest, more spacious, and more us once I stopped shrinking and started telling the truth.
We’re diving into:
The sneaky, everyday ways self-erasure shows up in relationships.
Why “compromise” isn’t the same as collaboration (and how to tell the difference).
How your nervous system tries to keep you small—and how to rewire it so you can take up space.
A quick grounding practice you can use before those scary, important conversations.
Six tools to help you be fully yourself without automatically burning it all down.
If you’ve ever thought you’re “too much” for wanting more—more love, more connection, more you—this one’s your permission slip to stop twisting yourself into a shape you don’t even recognize.
Links & Resources:
Join Breaking Free From Monogamy → https://www.elleciapaine.com/breakingfree
Hang out with me on TikTok → http://tiktok.com/@elleciapaine
Share the Love:
If this episode hit home, send it to your partner, your best friend, or that one person who’s definitely tired of playing small. Let’s stop pretending everything’s fine and start talking about what love could look like when it actually fits.
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Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
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TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why do I keep wanting more when I already have a good relationship? If that question feels like it's been on repeat in your head, you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you.
You've just been trained your whole life to believe that love is only valid if it fits inside the monogamy box, even if that box is crushing you.
So today we're talking about what happens when you twist yourself into someone else's version of right, quote unquote, right? What it costs you to keep shrinking yourself and what it looks like to stop contorting and finally, taking up space in your own love life, in your own relationships.
I know this topic inside out because I've lived it.
In my first marriage, I [00:01:00] contorted and twisted myself so much to make it work that I barely recognized myself anymore. I thought love meant enduring anything, putting up with literally anything, even mistreatment, because I had made a commitment. I committed to this. I told myself I just needed to try harder, stay quieter, want less, stop.
Being me, basically. And there were moments that I really thought, so like, this is it. This is just what marriage is gonna feel like forever. This is just what the rest of my life is gonna look like. And I stayed far longer than I should have because I believe the only thing worse than being miserable in a relationship was breaking the promise that I had made when I was like 23.
So fast forward to my second marriage and it, it wasn't like flipping a switch. Okay. My nervous system had been trained to believe that safety equals keeping the peace, not rocking the boat. And every [00:02:00] time I thought about saying what I really wanted, that old feeling of terror showed up. My brain was telling me that if I told the truth, I would lose love. And little by little I started telling the truth anyways. Right. I would, I started pushing through the fear and every time I did, my relationships got stronger, more spacious, more ours, more what we were creating and, and we've built something that actually fits both of us, not just the version of me that I thought or was told I was supposed to be.
So welcome back to Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm Ellecia Payne, your Sex 11 relationship coach. And, uh, thank you for, for listening. Let's talk a little bit more about this. Let's talk about what contorting yourself for monogamy actually looks like. Because it's not always [00:03:00] obvious, right? Sometimes it is big and dramatic, right?
Like saying yes to a forever that you aren't sure you actually want because you're scared to lose someone or you feel like it's what you're supposed to do. But most of the time it's a really slow, quiet thing. It's like silencing your desires for more connection because you don't want to make things complicated or be too much or you know you need to deal with your own shit.
Uh, or, or maybe you're ignoring discomfort or jealousy because you're terrified that you're doing it wrong, right? Or pretending that everything is fine, everything's okay while your body is, is screaming otherwise. And before you start rolling your eyes and, and saying like, oh, that's just what compromise looks like.
Everyone has to compromise in relationships. Let's be real about this compromise and contortion. Abandonment, self abandonment. These aren't the same thing. [00:04:00] So we've all been taught that love means you sacrifice, um, that if you wanna keep your partner, you should learn to be more grateful. Content, not be too much, but connection doesn't actually have to come at the cost of being authentic.
You don't have to erase yourself to stay in someone's arms. Uh, actually the second you start disappearing to keep love, you're holding onto something that's not actually yours anymore. And you're, you're giving your partner something that's not even you anymore. Right. And, and people say it all the time, right?
But, but relationships take work and Yeah. Heck yeah, they do. Relation relationships take so much work, but there's a huge difference between compromise and collaboration or contortion, right? Um, so, so here's, here's kind of a, a main thing that I've learned here is compromise is about collaboration. You wanna find solutions [00:05:00] where both people's needs matter.
Everybody in the relationship, right? Where everybody gets to bring their truth to the table, get curious about it, and then start co-creating something that feels good for everyone involved, right? That's like, let's figure this out together. We, if we all come to the table with that kind of energy, let's figure this out together.
Let's work on this. That's what you want. But what most of us wind up doing is contortion, and that's like pretending that you don't have needs, swallowing your truth, shape, shifting in shape, shifting into what you think they want, and then hoping that that will keep the peace.
So if compromise means that you are the one. Doing the shrinking every time you are the one kind of having to sacrifice or martyr yourself, that's not compromised. That's slow motion. Self abandonment, [00:06:00] healthy love and relationships thrive on collaboration, not on one person disappearing so that they can keep things easy.
Being an easy partner is not one, it's not a personality trait, but it's not. A green flag either, right? Real re real, sustainable relationships have space for everyone in them to exist fully, even if it's messy and uncomfortable, right? That doesn't mean like it's all gonna be roses and flowers and new relationship energy forever there, there's messiness, there's discomfort, there's hard conversations, but they're allowed to happen.
So let's talk about why growth feels scary, because expanding into your truth is terrifying sometimes. It actually feels a lot safer to stay small, right? There's comfort in, in being predictable or or having a predictable [00:07:00] situation, even if that predictability is like slowly crushing you. And that's, that's not just in your head, right?
That's how our nervous system is designed. That's your nervous system doing its job. Our bodies are wired to keep us connected to what feels safe and what feels familiar, even if that safety and familiarity is not actually good for you. So if you've spent years shaping yourself around a partner, a relationship script, a cultural expectation, the way your parents' relationship went, then your nervous system is learned.
One thing, this is how we keep love, love equals survival. Right? Your, your nervous system has equated your relationship with a tribe, right? Or, or your, your cave mates as if we were cavemen right? Without Ugg sharing my bed, I will freeze to death or without [00:08:00] bug hunting. We will starve to death. Our brains have not evolved to the 21st century.
They're still living in caves in, in the way that our nervous system responds to things. So when you start thinking about shaking things up, like wanting more connections, wanting a different kind of love, wanting to stop twisting yourself into not. It can actually feel like a life or threat. Uh, nope. Like a, it can actually feel like a life or death threat, like a, a really scary situation.
Your body might be screaming, like, if I change this, I'll lose them. I'll lose love, I'll lose connection, I'll lose safety. Uh, I won't survive. And even when, you know logically that, that. That is the right thing to do. The healthy thing to do is to honor your truth. Your nervous system might equate that authenticity with danger, and that's why even thinking about speaking up can make your chest tight, your [00:09:00] stomach drop, your breaths, start getting shallow, and that's, that's biology at work.
That's not a weakness, okay?
Your nervous system just hasn't yet learned. That real safety doesn't come from being silent. Real safety doesn't come from not rocking the boat.
It comes from knowing that you can show up fully and still belong, that you are accepted as you are and and you actually get to rewire that safety. You can rewire that safety. You're allowed to teach your nervous system, that you can be completely yourself, fully yourself, and still be safe, still be loved, still belong.
Caveat being maybe not in that relationship, depending on where you're at. Uh, but you absolutely can. And that's where collaboration with your partners or your partner matters most. When both of you [00:10:00] learn how to create a relationship where honesty isn't dangerous, then, then expanding becomes possible.
And not just for you, for, for both of you, for everyone in the relationship. Okay. I am gonna give you a little, a little, uh, practice. Try this right now. Okay. Put one hand on your chest, one hand on your belly. Now take a slow inhale through your nose
and then exhale gently through your mouth.
And actually whisper to yourself, I am safe. I'm allowed to have needs. I'm allowed to take up space
and repeat this until your shoulders drop even just a little bit, breathing softly in through the nose. Exhaling gently [00:11:00] through the mouth and repeating to yourself, I'm safe. I get to take up space. I belong here. What this does is it actually interrupts the panic spiral. That's like, don't say anything.
Don't ruin it. Don't get in trouble, and this gives you a little bit more room to breathe. This brings down that like adrenaline response.
One of the things that I've learned is when I have that like panicky feeling in my stomach, like, oh my God, I don't wanna say anything. I don't wanna say anything. I, this is terrifying. I don't wanna say anything. That is my signal to myself that I actually have to speak up. I actually have to say the thing for a couple of reasons.
One, it's true. It needs to be said and hiding. It just makes it worse. Makes this feeling worse. Um, but two, this is actually how you rewire your nervous system to feel [00:12:00] safe, speaking up, feel safe, expressing your own needs and desires, who you really are. Your truth is not a threat. And one of the most painful lies that we learn early on in our lives is that if you tell the truth about what you need, you'll lose love.
Or you'll get in trouble, you'll be sent to the corner. You won't get a hug, right? Like, like, we actually learn it really, really early on mo for most of us. And truth, uh, doesn't actually destroy real connections. It gives clarity, it clarifies the connection. It shows you where love is solid and where it was only conditional to begin with.
And before you say, but my partner won't understand, remember that collaboration is not possible without your truth. If your partner never gets the real information about what you need or what you're thinking or what you want, you're both building a relationship around a fantasy version of you. That's not love, that's performance, and it's not fair to your partner either.
And you're allowed to [00:13:00] take up space. And I don't mean like metaphorical space, I mean like, like breathing room for your love, your desires, your whole fricking self monogamy is not wrong. Okay. I, I would be the first to say that, but when it's this enforced, uh, like one size fits all sweater, right? Like you squeeze yourself into here, it stops being love, it stops being loving, and it, it starts to feel like a straight jacket, right?
Uh, you're allowed to create. A relationship that you want, you're allowed to want more than one connection. You're allowed to want sim something different than the script you were handed. You're allowed to want honesty, freedom, tenderness, passion, intimacy, all at the same time, and right part, the right partner.
The the healthy partners won't just tolerate it. They'll want to collaborate with you to make sure both of you get to thrive and live a good life. Right.[00:14:00]
Uh, okay. I wanna give you some tools for, um, expanding without, like blowing up your relationships. You don't wanna blow everything up. You can stop contorting yourself and still keep your relationships unless that relationship is very unhealthy and only works if you are not really you. So here's some ways that you can start.
First of all, small. And honest. Okay. You don't have to drop a relationship bomb in one conversation. Start with really low stakes honesty to teach your nervous system that it's safe to speak up. Uh, some examples are like, Hey, I've been realizing I've kept quiet about some things that I want, or I love you and I'm learning how to express my needs more openly.
Can we talk about those lit? Speaking up your little, speaking about your little, the little truths actually paved the [00:15:00] way for more collaboration in your relationships. So two, you wanna invite collaboration instead of conflict, instead of showing up with a script that says things like, these things gotta change, or, I'm outta here, right?
You want to invite exploration and curiosity. I've been thinking about what love could look like for me and us. Can we figure this out together? How do you feel about the way that we've structured our relationship? When you lead your conversations with collaboration and curious curiosity, you create space for both of you to find solutions.
Instead of choosing between either being connected or being authentically you.
Okay. Third, you wanna build emotional safety on both sides. [00:16:00] It's scary to be honest. If honesty feels like it's gonna blow things up, sometimes your partner is not trying to make you contort or fit into their box. They just don't know what's happening for you, right? So let them in. Focus on making space for emotions both yours and theirs.
Without trying to fix it or shut them down. Emotional safety is what allows relationships to evolve instead of fracture. And when we collaborate, that collaboration thrives in a sense of safety. So fourth, you can actually test your foundation. So. Sorry to say it, but if the entire relationship is built on a version of you that isn't real, your foundation's already cracked, you're not risking love by being yourself.
You're revealing whether the love you have is genuine or just a match to your mask, [00:17:00] okay? So you can test that for yourself. And then the fifth thing is get support. Okay, get support. Don't try and do this all on your own. Big conversations are tough to navigate on your own. Coach, therapist, supportive communities, any of these can help you untangle your fear from the truth and give you some tools to talk about non-monogamy.
Talk about your needs, talk about your desires without blowing up your connection, and sometimes learning how to collaborate needs guidance. Sometimes you need that kind of support.
And then the sixth one is you want to regulate before you relate before you are doing all this relationship stuff, right? So your truth deserves to be spoken, but in re in reality, your nervous system, if your nervous system is activated, if it's like full on danger, danger, you're about to lose love, you're gonna get dumped, you're gonna get divorced, whatever.
If your nervous system's in that mode, your words come out shaky, sharp. Mean or just don't come [00:18:00] out at all. So before you start a big conversation, try a quick grounding practice to remind your body that it's safe enough to speak. So first thing I'll suggest is like, find your feet. Sit or stand and press your feet firmly into the ground.
Feel their weight. Feel the contact with the floor, the fact that that the earth or the ground is holding you. And then breathe low and slow. Inhale through your nose for four count. And then hold it for two, and then exhale through your mouth for six counts, and keep repeating this until your shoulders drop, or go back a couple of minutes and just follow along.
And then you wanna anchor in reality. So look around. Look around the room, look around yourself. Name five things that you can see. Four things that you can touch, three things that you can hear, two things you can [00:19:00] smell and a thing you can taste. Just bring your senses online, right? Like I can look around and then you can't see it, but there's a ladder off camera here and my ring light and, um, I have a candle over there, an extra microphone over here, a couple of chairs behind me, right?
I, I can touch the cold metal of my chair. My dress is very soft. Um, my desk is actually glass, so it's very cool and smooth. I can feel this paper and the texture. I can hear my fans going, I can hear the cars on the highway. I can hear the birds. I can smell my perfume and I can smell the candle that I've got burning.
I can taste the water I'm drinking.
When you bring all of your senses online, this is very grounding. It tells your nervous system that you don't need to be in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, that you are actually okay.[00:20:00]
Excuse me. And then give yourself a safety phrase, like some sort of mantra, something you can repeat to yourself. I'm safe. My truth is safe to share. Love can handle honesty. Okay. When you calm your body, you make space for curiosity, for collaboration, for deeper connection, and not fear-driven people pleasing, which is probably what you've been doing if you're still listening at this point.
Okay, so here's what I know. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting more.
You're not failing at love because monogamy or some specific relation relationship style doesn't fit or doesn't work for you.[00:21:00]
The only love worth keeping is the kind that makes room for all of you, for the real you.
And if you're tired of twisting yourself into someone else's version of right. Maybe it's time to see what standing tall feels like, right. So if you want support untangling all of this conditioning and figuring out what love could look like when you're finally being you, um, what it looks like when you start asking for what you want or even how to ask for what you want, you can check out my program break breaking free from monogamy.
We do this work together. You don't have to figure it out alone.[00:22:00]
You can go to my website, Ellecia payne.com, uh, click on programs, click on work with me. I don't actually know what it says. I can't remember if this episode has resonated with you, drop a comment. Send me a dm. Or send it to someone else, share it with someone. I would love to hear what's going on for you.
Uh, and thanks for listening. Bye.