Beyond Fairy Tales: Real Connection Strategies Unveiled
Today, we're challenging everything you thought you knew about love with Adam Lyons, a world-renowned dating coach and psychology expert who's turning traditional views on their head.
Adam argues that love isn't just an emotion; it's actually deeply rooted in science, specifically tied to the chemical oxytocin. He'll share how understanding the triggers of attachment, attraction, and happiness can completely transform the way we approach dating and relationships.
Adam has a fascinating journey into polyamory and a rich background in both psychology and business, and hes outspoken in his desire to reshape our understanding of romantic relationships. Living in a polyamorous throuple and raising a family within this dynamic has given him a unique perspective on love's complexities. Today, he's here to debunk the myths we've been fed—from fairy tales to Hollywood romances—and to offer practical advice for navigating love in today's world.
Prepare to have your perceptions of love and relationships profoundly challenged and enriched. Let's dive into a conversation with Adam Lyons about redefining love beyond the conventional.
Want to Connect with Adam?
Visit askthedatingcoach.com to take the free personality test and gain insights into your dating life and self-sabotage patterns.
Connect with Adam Lyons on Instagram at @theadamlyons for more dating and relationship advice and tips.
To claim your free clarity chat with Ellecia visit https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chat
Do you feel like you could use some help with your relationships?
Get on a free call with Ellecia to see how she can help you move through the challenges of jealousy, fear, anxiety, and insecurities in a way that strengthens your relationships, deepens your trust, and communication, and leaves you feeling confident.
https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chat
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia.
❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon!
Get free shipping on my favorite toys!!
👀 Find Us Online
- Website
- Facebook
- Instagram
Credits
- Host/Producer: Ellecia Paine
- Editor/Producer: Danny Walters
- Hosted on Buzzsprout
Transcript:
Ellecia: 0:14
Hey, I'm Ellecia, your non-monogamous relationship coach. Welcome to the podcast where my friends and I chat about our relationships enthusiastic, non-monogamy polyamory, swinging kink and our lives. You'll get a candid peek into what makes it worth it to live life outside the box. And in case you're still wondering, nope, we're not monogamous. Hey, hey, hey.
Ellecia: 0:53
Today we're challenging everything you thought you knew about love with Adam Lyons, a world renowned dating coach and psychology expert who is turning traditional views on their head. Dating coach and psychology expert who is turning traditional views on their head. So Adam argues that love isn't just an emotion and it's actually deeply rooted in science, specifically tied to the chemical oxytocin, which I agree with, and he's sharing how understanding the triggers of attachment, attraction and happiness can completely transform the way that we approach dating and relationships. Adam has a fascinating journey into polyamory and a rich background in psychology and business, and he's outspoken in his desire to reshape our understanding of romantic relationships. Living in a polyamorous throuple and raising a family within this dynamic has given him a unique perspective on the complexities of love, and so he's joining me today and he wants to debunk some of the myths that we've been fed, from fairy tales to Hollywood romances, and he's offering some practical advice for navigating love in today's world, whether it's in or outside of monogamy. So prepare to have your ideas of love and relationships challenged and hopefully enriched.
Ellecia: 2:03
Enjoy, okie dokie. There we go. Now we're doing the thing. So first I want to say thank you for coming on the show. I'm really excited to talk to you and hear more about what you are doing. Would you do me a favor and just really quickly share for the listeners kind of who you are?
Adam: 2:31
Yeah, so my name's Adam Lyons. I've been a dating coach for 18 years. I am most well known for being one of the first people to go out into the public as being in a polyamorous throuple where me and my two partners lived together the three of us. We had children together, we raised a family together and that was our entire life. We were all across the media. They were making animated cartoons about us in Taiwan and we're on the Steve Harvey show. I mean, it got pretty big Um and uh. Yeah, it was uh many years ago now, but uh, that's what I'm I'm most known for, but I've been helping people um, fix, improve, uh and and have a better love life for 18 years and have a better love life for 18 years Amazing.
Ellecia: 3:18
I love that so much. I think that you and I both are doing some of the best work that can be done, because people don't know how to have good relationships, and so there needs to be more of us.
Adam: 3:35
It's a real thing and you know the reality is. You know, obviously I've got my my education's in psychology I have a, have an MBA in business as well, but with with a pretty much a major in psychology and and my undergrad's in psych and for me, so few people actually understand not just how dating works but how the human mind works, and it's not like there's been cutting edge information. We have known how it works for many, many years, decades in fact and yet the education just hasn't been passed on to the masses and this causes so many problems that just don't need to be in somebody's love life. And like the work you're doing, what I'm doing, it's really just about educating people things that they should have learned when they were younger. I'm not sure if you're familiar. I had a pretty good video many years ago called the Disney lie. Have you heard this concept?
Ellecia: 4:36
Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me more lie.
Adam: 4:38
Have you heard this concept? Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me more. So the idea is, when you're a child, you find it very hard to differentiate truth from lie. In fact, most children believe anything their parents say until they reach like age seven, nine, and that's when they start to realize oh, you're joking, you don't mean, that Some things you say you don't mean, and so they don't really grasp the concepts. It's why things like Santa Claus last so long because we learn it as a child and even though we unlearn it, we still feel we have to do it because it was done for us. Right? And this works for religion as well.
Adam: 5:14
Anything you learn before the age of nine as a fact tends to stick with you, even if you don't believe it later. And this is where Disney is kind of at fault here, and I love Disney. So this isn't hate on Disney, but Disney tells every woman on the planet you're probably a princess, secretly, you don't know it. You're an orphan today, but you're probably a princess and you're going to get Prince Charming. He's going to come along and everything's going to be amazing. He can solve everything for you. And so that and your parents are your first exposure of what a healthy relationship looks like. So, considering most parents are in relationships and they don't really know what they're doing, and you know, the children don't realize that they're watching their parents learn how to be parents at the same time as navigating a relationship, while at the same time, the child is learning relationships through disney movies and that you know, if you have any problems, you can just sit down and talk to the animals and solve it.
Adam: 6:14
Yeah, it's right, it's not a good foundation for being good at dating. And then you're're like well, it's okay, you've got sex education in school. No, it's just teaching the biology of it and the importance of using protection and how pregnancy works. That's not real, actual. The human, psychology element of sex education of like you've got to get consent. They've started teaching now, which is great, but how they don't teach that. They don't explain how to get consent and and that's the problem and so, unfortunately, it's down to educators like yourself to teach this and the problem we have is only the people that want to listen. They're going to listen and that's the plight.
Ellecia: 6:58
is only the people that want to listen are going to listen and that's the plight. Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, exactly, exactly. I love the way, uh, like it's one of those things you know, like the things you learn early on, stick with you, but like the way you explain that is is really good.
Adam: 7:17
Thank you, yeah, it's. It's such a, it's such an issue for so many people because that that Disney concept. I teach this a lot because we predominantly teach men dating. We feel that there is plenty of advice out there. You can go to most magazines and you can learn. Women will get dating advice, but men's dating advice in men's magazines sucks, especially nowadays. Right now it's really bad Some of the worst I've ever seen. Right now it's really bad, some of the worst I've ever seen.
Adam: 7:37
But so we specialize in helping guys get practical, actual, like step-by-step things that work. No gimmicks, no games, no manipulation, just understanding your individual personality type, the kind of person you're most likely to attract with that personality type. And if that doesn't match the kind of person you say you want, there's a disconnect and you either need to shift what you're doing or you need to shift your aims, and that's kind of what we do. It's very, very, very realistic, very practical stuff. But I always say to guys I'm like, look, the woman you want to date was raised on the Disney lie and she's either given up on it or she's hoping it's still going to come. Either way, that's bad for you, because if she's hoping it's still going to come either way. That's bad for you, because if she's hoping it's still going to come, you need to turn up as a perfect prince charming and do nothing wrong, because the minute you do, she's going to wait for the next guy, because it's obviously not you. And if she's given up on it, any illusions that you cast, even by accident, that you're trying to be the best you can be for her, she's going to read as manipulation, as uh love bombing, and she's going to pull away and say no, this guy is clearly trying to present himself as who he isn't, which, um, which causes massive issues on both, both sides. You've got one they want this idealistic thing that's never going to happen. Or two, everybody is not good enough because they're all going to pretend to be better than they are.
Adam: 9:03
The reality is, when you first meet a stranger, you put on a face and do the best you can, and then, as you get to know them, you slowly reveal more of who you are, as you trust them, and so it unfolds slowly over time. So there's always that mask of some degree and there are ways to cut through it. I personally believe you should cut through it really, really fast my favorite technique, by the way. I love doing this when I'm on a date with somebody. If we've already had sex and we've had a couple of dates and we're getting on well, I'll say to them all right, I want you to tell me three things to put me off of you. I want to hear three things about you that you know I'm going to break up with you over. I want to hear them get it out. I'll do the same, I'll give them to you and we will share the worst part of who we are.
Ellecia: 11:01
And I love it. You do that on date three and you are eyes wide open into the whole relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People wait years and then they're like wait, you're not who I thought I was. I mean, you're not who I thought you were it's a real thing.
Adam: 11:16
So like I'll tell, like I'll go, I'll be like real, the darkest stuff about me. I'm like I'll get it, like I'll share one thing here. Like, um, I grew up in the east side of london, so east East London, I'm a Cockney. My accent has been masked. So again, that's a mask, because most Americans can't understand my natural accent. So I've learned this accent as an alternate version. And if you go back and you look at older videos you'll see my accent was more prominent than it is today and even then I was already masking it. So I'll say to somebody I'll say, yeah, this isn't my real accent, I was already masking it. So I'll say to somebody I'll say, yeah, this isn't my real accent.
Adam: 11:52
My real accent sounds a lot more ghetto and I grew up in the hood and most of my family are gangsters Like my dad got 20 years in jail for smuggling. Gangsters Like you can read about in the newspapers, like I grew up in the hood, legit in the hood. I am a phone call away from calling those kinds of people again. Now that's not me anymore. I live on a farm. I'm in Texas. We raise chickens. I've got five kids. I'm not that guy, but one day my family might come to visit, and when they do, you need to be aware of what you're getting into. Don't be shocked when they will turn up. And so that's kind of how I try and explain it, and I'll do three things like that. You know.
Ellecia: 12:27
So that's kind of how I try and explain it, and I'll do three things like that yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. That's, that's brilliant. So what, what you were talking about? How? Um, uh, most women, like, either are still looking for the Disney, uh fantasy, or have given up on it. So what is the, what is the in between? How to say, how does someone navigate that?
Adam: 12:46
Yeah, it's tough. You've got to give up on what movies are going to say, because the movies are going to say the underdog's going to win, and that's also not true. It just makes a good story but it's not real. And then there is the media component, especially the red pill movement, which don't even get me started because I hate it. But the red pill movement is so wrong it pains it. But the red pill movement is so wrong, it pains me how wrong it is. But the problem is they're sometimes right and that's why it's hard, because when you're arguing somebody who's sometimes right, they'll use the sometimes they're right to show that they're always right, and that's just not true.
Adam: 13:20
Yes, some of the things they say are accurate. For example, somebody who is successful and who makes more money is going to have an advantage, but somebody who is successful with money might also suck. That's also true. They can have the advantage and still fail.
Adam: 13:40
And I know because I've literally got an interview with a 47 year old guy who owns multiple businesses, is really good looking and he's single and he can't meet anybody and and he's got everything going for him. He's a great guy, he's a good conversationalist and yet none of it's working. But according to the red pill, according to the paperwork, he should have women throwing themselves at him all day, every day. It's just not got two and a half an hour into it, this guy being like it doesn't work for me. And then, and I always say to him, I'm like, explain India. I'm like you, explain the population growth in India. You tell me the reason that all the men in India have no problem having tons and tons of children is because they're rich and successful. Then they'll be like well, it only applies to the West. I'm like oh, so human experience only applies to Western culture? Now, that's what's going on. Then explain to me why there is a bigger population growth in poverty-stricken areas, because, based on your red pill movement, that should be impossible.
Ellecia: 14:38
Right, right right, it should be impossible, so I'm like.
Adam: 14:41
So you've got something wrong in your data. What's really happening is a small group of people are applying a small group of data to a small and this we see this in psychology all the time, where you you look at a certain amount of data and you say this is how it is. It's like no, that's how it sometimes is, sometimes and and can you, can you correlate off that Absolutely? Can you apply that as a rule? Definitely not, definitely not. And that is my is my problem with the red pill movement is it's based on this very, very flawed mathematical calculation which you just can't do it. That way, there's too much evidence that there are exceptions and there are too many exceptions for the red pill to be a rule. So when I get guys and I'm working with them, the very first thing I get them to do is to understand we have a thing we have seven personalities. We said there are seven personalities of person in the world and this is based on some very old psych study stuff. It's sort of like an alternate version of Myers-Briggs or DISC and we've sort of like pieced together our own version of it. It's actually based on a psychologist called Isink many, many years ago, but the idea is there are seven archetypes and there's a lot of evidence that each of the archetypes naturally attract each other. But you may not like the idea of dating somebody who is the same archetype as you, and so some guys will get it in their head that, while I'm this kind of guy, I want to date this kind of person, and I'm like, yeah, guy, I want to date this kind of person and I'm like, yeah, but if you actually dated that kind of person, all you'd want to do is change them to be like you. So, like you know, you get some guy who, like he likes quiet evenings in watching Netflix and I've seen this all the time and I look at his dating profile. He goes I like taking walks on the beach. I'm like, oh, how many walks on the beach have you done this month? And he's like, well, none. I'm like, then why the hell are you putting that? That's what you like doing? I was like I like the idea of doing it. I was like, if you put that you're going to meet a woman that wants to walk on the beach and you're going to be convincing her to sit indoors and watch Netflix there are many Netflix, you'll match with them. Just sit indoors and watch Netflix. Wait, you can just be honest, mind blowing. I know Mind blowing, but it's shocking how, when you start filtering for what you do want, you get it, rather than having an idealistic version of what you want and trying to get that.
Adam: 17:10
So me and my wife obviously we're poly, believe it or not, and you know being on this podcast and me and my wife right, and it's so strange we have a girlfriend, we're getting pretty serious with her and we've known her for three and a half years and we are pretty strict about when we come out as dating somebody. We everyone that knows us knows there's always somebody at least. But we're pretty strict before we state, hey, this is someone we're dating, and we did it a year ago. We came out and said we were dating somebody and within three months of stating it, we actually changed our mind. I didn't want to date them anymore, which is like why we like waiting so long.
Adam: 17:47
But we dated this one person three and a half years ago and she was incredible. And then she moved to colorado and she'd had the plan to move before we met her. So we dated for four months, we saw her, so much amazing connection and she's like I'm going to colorado. I, I like, even like. The night before she went to colorado I spent the night at her house. We saw her. So much amazing connection. And she's like I'm going to Colorado. I like, even like the night before she went to Colorado I spent the night at her house and, like you know, was just so sad she was leaving but so happy for her and off.
Adam: 18:15
She spent the last three years or so like doing her thing and meanwhile we've been dating other people and I said every single time I just want somebody who does. And then I would list all the things that this wonderful young lady did and I was like you know, I just want somebody that enjoys doing this or just wants I would meet people that were missing one of the criteria. So I like horror films. So I was like I just want someone to snuggle and watch a horror film and my wife will put up with horror film, but she prefers it If I've got a partner who likes watching horror films, and then my wife will play video games, which is what she likes doing on the sofa while we watch a horror film. And I would say to my wife are you watching this? And she goes yes, honey. And then she's like, yeah, okay, great, right, yeah, you get it. So so that's what it's like.
Adam: 19:01
Well, november last year I get a message from this her name's Bella. Give her a name, her name's Bella. Bella messages me in November last year and she says would it be weird if I wanted to come back and visit? And it's been like three years. I'm like, no, it wouldn't be weird. And she went okay, good, I'm going to come and see you in December for your birthday. I'm like great, she goes, I can't make it in Christmas. I'm like, okay, she goes, I'll see you in January. I'm like great.
Adam: 19:26
And then she came for two days and then we got snowed in because of all the weather that happened in Texas and she ended up staying for 10 days. Yeah, while she was there, it was exactly as it was before she left. And I said to her I want to say something weird. And she goes I want to say the same thing. I was like, how do you know? It's going to be the same thing. She goes, I've got this weird thing I want to tell you. I was like all right, what is it? And she goes.
Adam: 19:50
Every time I dated everyone else, I just thought I wish it was how it was with that couple in Texas and she goes. I kept trying to find you both and then I realized you were both in Texas and I just had to come and visit and I was like I felt exactly the same thing. I spent three and a half years just trying to find you and so she went back to Colorado for two weeks, came back and stayed for a month and then she's in colorado right now and she's coming back in a couple of days and we've mapped it out and we've we're like mapped out a year and how we're going to make it work and potentially see each other. And the point is I'm a prolific data.
Adam: 20:31
Me and my wife have dated 60 women since we separated from our partner a few years ago, who we have kids with um, and we're still amazing friends with her as well, like when, when you do poly right, a separation is not bad. Like my, my kids get to enjoy both of their mothers and myself. At thanksgiving and christmas we were all together this year um, their, their, their mom, my, my ex it's weird saying ex, because she's like a really good friend, but like their mother. Uh, she's got like a new guy now and she's like phoning me up for dating advice and I'm, like you know, helping her out with it and like, yeah, it's, it's great. Um, her new boyfriend's like you know, a lot younger than her and she's like a, you know, hot cougar. It's cool and it's great and I love helping her out with it. And I've had people say say like, oh, you guys get on so well, why don't you get back together? I'm like, cause I don't want to do that to my kids. I don't want my kids to see us break up with their mom, get back with their mom, break it. That's weird. And she's such a good friend. I'm so happy. We had an amazing six year relationship, incredible sex, and now we're really good friends who, who I trust her with anything, and, and so the reason I'm saying it is to show what a good relationship looks like.
Adam: 21:41
Bella is a baker. That's her day job, and so Bella, whenever she bakes anything, bakes extra for Maya, who's our ex, for the kid's mom, and when. Yeah, and so the first time they met, maya came to drop off the kids. If you look on the internet, her name's changed by, by the way, but I'm using a new name, sure? Um, when she came to pick up the kids, she said is your new girlfriend the one that made me bake me those cupcakes yesterday? And I was like yeah, she's in the house. She was, can I say thanks? And they just like met each other and, like bella was like it's so important that the mother of your kids likes me and so she bakes like fresh bread and always makes extra and like gives it to Maya. It's just, it's beautiful, it's so beautiful.
Adam: 22:27
And that we didn't find with the other 59 people.
Adam: 22:31
If at any point in that search I'd have settled, made do, tried to make it work, I would have been in a good relationship with someone that doesn't like horror movies, or been in a good relationship with somebody that doesn't respect the RX, the mother of our kids. Or been in a good relationship with somebody that wanted me to spend half my time in a different city, or been in a good relationship with somebody who had some conflict. With some people that I work with, there was always something wrong, but not this one. And when that's the benchmark, you say I'm comparing it for that and you look for that and you hold it and you say I'm not going to accept anything less. You can get it, but you do have to be strict and say okay, I'm not settling for anything else and the flip side that guys don't want to hear and I'm sorry any guys that are listening to this and you've got to be worthy of it too, and if you're not worthy of it, you also won't get it.
Adam: 23:25
You know, like, um, there's uh without giving too much about Bella, she's um, just like any woman who's an entrepreneur. There are moments where she doubts herself, there are moments where she gets anxiety and, um and she saw me in the past she's like there are guys that are just like you know, just fucking like, have you ever tried just not being worried about it? You know, like just bad. You know, maybe you should smile more. They didn't say that. It was a joke for us they might as well have right.
Adam: 23:51
But it's like I have a good friend that was over last night for dinner and we were talking about like dealing with anxiety and he goes. Yeah, sometimes you know, I just say to a woman try smiling more and that might help. And we looked at him and he goes. I am joking, I am joking so much, um, but but, like you know, but I I get that. That's kind of the experience that she's had with dating other people, whereas, you know, we've now been seeing each other for coming up to three months again this time time around, and we did go out and she had that moment and I just like I left with her and we were like a public event and she goes you don't have to leave with me, I can go home on my own. I was like, oh, I'm aware, I'm well aware. You are strong, tough, independent. You've dealt with this your whole life. You're more than ready to go home, home, and I'm an introvert, I don't really want to be there without you. Would you be okay if I did come with you? And I just hugged you for a bit and she's like this is all I've ever wanted. And so we went and we snuggled and we hugged for like 15 minutes and I was like I know it sounds weird, do you want to try and go back? And she went yeah, I do. I went all right back, we go and. And it was. And she went yeah, I do, I went all right back, we go and. And it was.
Adam: 25:03
And she looked at me after she's like you get me. I was like, yeah, I do get you. I understand. I was like, just there, I'm just your physical rock. You know, we got who. We can leave together. We can come back together. There's no shame, it's all cool, I'm chill. I just want to make sure you're okay. As long as you're okay, then I can be okay and uh, and if making you okay it's just us chilling together, great. Not every guy is going to want to do that. There are some guys that like I don't want to be with a woman like that. Good for you. Don't be with a woman like that. I'll have a because I like it match and you show up in the right way. It's easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ellecia: 25:43
I love that so much. You know, I love hearing you say that because there's a lot of especially in polyamory non-monogamy people talk about. You know, like if there's things that don't match, like just find other people who fill in certain boxes for you, and it's. It feels like commodifying people, and so I love what you're saying there.
Adam: 26:08
Thanks, yeah, and I you know, and I think it is is important, like, first of all, from my perspective, polyamory there's different types of polyamory, lots of different, and what I dislike about polyamory and actually I refuse to be in any polyamory communities because of the things I dislike. There are two things I dislike One. I dislike how incestuous they can get because they feel like they can only. They almost use the polyamory community as their dating pool, as opposed to their support network, which, in my mind, is what they should use it while going out and meeting other people. That would be better, because they can get very toxic.
Adam: 26:44
I'm not going to say all of them are, and if you're in a polyamorous community and you're not toxic, wonderful. However, I've seen it far too often, so I just don't want to be a part of it and as a dating coach, I have no problem meeting new people. I don't need a community of polyamorous people Like I can go and meet people. That's fine, um, but the other thing is that they create rules and they say this is how polyamory is, and I'm like how dare you, who have been victimized by people who are monogamous, saying that you're not following their rules, then create rules. Yeah, I was like.
Adam: 27:14
As far as I'm concerned, the only rule that should exist in polyamory is that everyone's different and everyone should find that which they love. And as long as you don't hurt other people and you're leaving them better than you found them and you know you're truly, you know, not hurting people or doing anything malicious or vindictive or anything that is going to hurt anybody, then you're good. And I have met women who have like three guy partners that live with them and, like you know, one's a cook and one brings in money and one does handyman stuff and she's like the happiest woman in the world as a little entrepreneur. And then I've met guys that have a harem of women that are in their spanking school and they just bend over and get spanked every day and he's a multimillionaire and he pays for their entire lifestyle. I've met everything and, yeah, I love his guy in Germany with a spanking school and all his girlfriends live in his giant castle and he spanks them and that's all they have, all to do. It's. It's a very unique, wonderful experience.
Ellecia: 28:08
He doesn't have sex with them. They found something that works for them.
Adam: 28:12
And like, and so we get judged a lot because you know, I'm one guy and I have I predominantly have two women and and and the women interact as well, but they don't tend to date other people. It's not my role that they don't tend to. They can't, it's not on me. But we'll get called a unicorn. They'll be like it's a one-penis relationship and there's something inherently wrong with it. And I'm like when I say that, I'm like you don't know my wife, and they're like what do you mean? Because they, she's under your control, she's timid. I'm like you don't know my wife. If you know my wife, you'll know my wife is the man. In our relationship. I'm the woman and until you've seen our dynamic, you don't get that. What I mean by that is I'm the empathic one. I cook, I clean, I do homeschooling with the kids. My wife builds websites, handles technology, is the one that's dealing with all the accounts and the finances and stuff. Now, in the bedroom I'm the masculine, but in the household she's the masculine. And when we have not had an extra partner with us at time, like, for example, our girlfriend's in Colorado right now, we aren't really seeing anybody else at the moment because we don't really want it, because we really like that one. For me, once, I tend to get to a woman, I tend to get very fulfilled. My wife's exactly the same.
Adam: 29:33
When we're in these kinds of situations, when we're at home, home, we kind of feel that missing void. There is this space for a person that bridges the gap between not between us, but between the two of us and relaxation, because I will cook clean, make sure the business is good, look after the kids, and I'm doing this, and my wife is building a website, making sure the dog's okay, doing the gardening, and she's doing that. And then it's midnight and then we go to bed, we have sex and we pass out and we wake up the next day. I wake up at 4am, my wife wakes up at 6am and I'm working at 4am. We're off again and we go, go, go, go go.
Adam: 30:21
And there's this void missing between us and relaxation. When our girlfriend's there, she bakes in the background and she makes sure the kids are ready. So I come in. I'm like, all right, kids. And she's like I've already done it. I'm like, well, what do I do? And she goes have you tried sitting down? And then I sit down right and then my wife comes in and she's like you know, we've got to do the dishes and she's done, it's done. And she's like, well, what am I going to do? She goes play your video game. All right, I'm going to play my video game.
Adam: 30:48
That's the void we miss. So it's like, not between us, but it's between us. And we've found our third partner is the one, because we both have this masculine energy is the one that is like you two need to stop and relax and chill, and we've found that that is always the piece that's missing. When, when the two of us are around, we'll I, I think we'll give each other a heart attack, we'll burn each other out and be happy about it. You know, we'll be like we're working so hard, we're having great sex and life's wonderful, oh, and now we're dead.
Adam: 31:15
Yeah, you know, exactly we need that person to be like you guys want just getting a hot tub and just you know, we can just touch each other's bodies and be naked for a while. You're like, oh, I suppose that's a good idea. Why don't we ever think of that? You know, and that's that's what our third partner does, and it's always been that. It's. Our third partner has always been a person and that's what we need. Um, so yeah, that's amazing.
Ellecia: 31:40
Uh, yeah, that's what we need. So, yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, that's amazing. And also your awareness of, like your bandwidth, like like that. That is, that is what you're available for, right. You add more people on top of that and then you know what about the kids, what about the business, what about the house? Like, yeah, and we've done it.
Adam: 31:58
We've definitely done it and it just it's always too much. But when we get the right person and they fit, and it's funny, like our girlfriend she was, I know where I fit, she was, I understand. Like she messaged me the other day, she bought me and my wife a gift certificates to go to Fogo to chow together for a Brazilian steakhouse dinner dinner and she goes, I'll watch the kids, you guys go and get dinner. When was the last time the two of you went on a date? Like, well, you know, with the kids, she goes. It's ridiculous. She goes, you guys go on a date, I'll watch off, I'll look after the kids and she goes. And then when, when you guys come back, you can tie me down and you know, have me right, and we're just like, okay, yeah, great, and because that's what she wants, she gets like the double masculine energy all over her right. So she's like, yeah, she's like, yeah, she's like I am, she's down, I will be super feminine and I will do all the things and make sure you guys recharge and then come and fuck me up, um, and, and it's great, and it's always been that.
Adam: 32:46
That third partner has always been that role. And if we don't find that role, it doesn't really work. And when we found somebody who's got maybe a dominant masculine energy, um, that turns up, it does kind of mess it up a bit, because both me and my wife have that balance. Like I said, at home I'm more of the the feminine energy and at work I'm more of the masculine energy and my wife's kind of the opposite. When we're both working I take the masculine role, she takes the feminine role, but at home she keeps the masculine role going, um, like I said, until the bedroom. But we need that pure feminine that doesn't really have much masculine, to come in and ground us both and be like what are you doing?
Ellecia: 33:22
Yeah.
Adam: 33:22
And that's it.
Ellecia: 33:24
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, beautiful, Beautiful. You know, in the non-monogamous realm a lot of people often have like a primary partnership or an anchor partnership and then they're looking for a new partner other people to date and really struggling with it. And I'm curious how you take your dating advice and apply it to non-monogamy, because a lot of people are feeling really like a lot of scarcity. How will I ever find anybody?
Adam: 34:01
You're not wrong, and I think that's where we come to it differently, because we do predominantly date men, and men are vilified for stating what they want. Most men do want multiple women and they don't want to share with other men, and they're not allowed to say that because if they say it it's like well, that's exactly what you want. So we don't ever approach dating like that. We like to think of ourselves as the house that takes in toxic men and makes them not toxic. We pump out non-toxic men and I have countless case studies of guys that are like bro, I just want a pound. You know they come in like that and we know that's what they do. And you know I look at my, you know my, my wife's a woman we have, you know, like you know my girlfriend, like I'm, I'm surrounded by women all the time. I've got a daughter and we see that we're like oh, that's great, interesting, what do you mean? I was like well, does she, does she want to get a pound? Is that what she wants? Today, I said, well, I don't know what she wants. I was like maybe, maybe she'd be more likely to quote unquote pound if. If you found out what she wanted, well, how do I know that? And that's how it begins. And then they're like dude, if I find out what she wants and listen, she'll like drag me to bed. I like, oh, isn't that weird, huh? And then like she wants me to pound her. Like I know, dude, I know, because this is great, I just gotta listen. And so that's like we know that's our clients, right? So I just want to. Yes, yes, yes, yes, because we let them speak, we listen and we're like all right, I know what you want, but there is another human being attached to the vagina. We're gonna have to interact with that person as well. Um, so what?
Adam: 35:38
What I love about this is so the guys will say, just like I, I don't want to share, but no one's ever spoken about why. But they'll tell us why, because we listen. And the reason why is very simple because they want to make sure they're the dad. You see, a woman knows that she's the mother of her children because it came from her. But the guy doesn't know. And even if with dna testing, it's still subconsciously, there's that question of is it my child? Now, the defense always goes to oh, you don't want to raise somebody else's child? No, that's not the question. I want to make sure I have my own. It's not about raising somebody else's like. So my oldest child isn't mine biologically.
Adam: 36:26
Um, I inherited him from my, my previous partner, from a previous relationship, and he didn't have a male figure in his life and she said to me when we started dating I want a strong male figure in his life. My son was 18 months and I was like done, and that was before we dated. I was, I was like I'll be the male in his life and we weren't even dating then. We weren't even having sex, it was just friends. And then we started dating and then we ended up in a relationship and now we've separated and he's still my son and he lives with me because he's my son and he has been from 18 months. He's the most amazing child. I have no problem raising another kid and I also wanted my own. So that's mostly where guys get that fear from. It's what I do want kids and I want to know their mind. And if she has three partners and ends up with kids with those three partners, what if she doesn't want one with me?
Adam: 37:17
yeah and what if she decides that after four years, because it takes that many years to do it, I've lost four years of my life? That is where the guy's perspective is and again, whether you agree with it or not, you should at least listen and understand, right, right. So the way that we tackle poly is we talk to the men and find out what they really want and most don't want poly on and most don't want poly right, they don't, they can't handle it.
Adam: 37:52
They like the idea of it because they've seen it in porn. Yes, yes, they don't want to deal with it, not even a little bit. So, again, you have to hear them, to get them to understand it. So I'll say about all right, you know, they'll come to me, they'll be like you know I they'll come to me and they'll be like you know, I want lots of different women. I want to date multiple women. Great, oh, dude, you've come to the right place. I know exactly how to do this. I'm super happy for you. What about it do you find appealing?
Adam: 38:14
He's like well, you know, I've got all these different women. You know, four hours every time for average, which I don't know like an hour. I'm like oh, you have sex for an hour every day, but I don't have a girlfriend right now. Ah, got it okay. So what is it? What is it really here? You got a girlfriend. You, when you first meet, maybe four hours every day, but three years in the relationship where we have about 20 minutes, I'm like all right, you got two women, three women, 20 minutes each, that's one hour a day. He goes yeah, brilliant, what are we doing the other 23 hours, bro? And he's like what do you mean. Well, it was 23 hours left, your sleep and work. That will probably cover 16 hours. You still got seven hours there. What are you doing with these women? Walk on the beach Always. It's always walk on the beach, by the way.
Ellecia: 39:12
Walk on the beach.
Adam: 39:15
And I'm like and that's when I'm like are you doing that now? And they're like no, I'm like look, handling and dating multiple women means dealing with not just double the amount of problems. Triple, because when there's two of you, it's you, two, when there's three of you, it's you and them, them, and them, them and you, and then the three of you. So you've got these four different dynamics that turn up as opposed to one dynamic. It's massive. Do you have the bandwidth for that? Emotionally? Oh, I don't like that stuff. I put it to you that maybe you don't want this. Well, I just want to have some threesomes, all right. So you just want to have threesomes. You don't really care about the relationship side of it, right? I was like maybe you're not poly, maybe you just want to have some wild sex. But this helps, because now I'm like all right, so what if we just found you a really cool, awesome person that matches really well with you and she's into maybe enjoying women occasionally? It's like that's what I want. All right, we got somewhere. We're getting closer to what you actually want.
Adam: 40:17
I was like and now let's remove sex from it and let's talk about personality, wise, what are you actually looking for. You know, and um, my favorite exercise that I do is the first part of our training is like you have to list three things you want in a woman, but you can't list anything that most men would agree with at all. So you give me three things, but if, if I ask a group of dudes and I'll, I'll do this because we have live trainings I'll do it with guys. I'm like everyone. Raise your hand if you also want that, because it's always them. Like I want someone who's beautiful, fit and fun. I'm making great, everyone in the room raise your hand if you want a woman who's beautiful, fit and fun. Of course, everyone's hands got like sorry bud, you didn't narrow it down. I'm like because, because you may as well have just said I want someone who can breathe, is a human and has all her teeth. I was like because that's basically and you know most. You know that's the thing.
Ellecia: 41:11
So when we do this, exercise enough guys like.
Adam: 41:12
I don't know what I want. Yeah, I'm like yeah, you, you haven't had a woman for so long. You don't even remember what you want. And because you don't know what you want, when you meet a woman she's thinking what the hell does this guy want? I don't know what he wants. I think he just wants my tits. I don't think he wants me.
Adam: 41:31
So when you change that and we identify, okay, with these extra hours when we're not having sex, what are we doing? What activity are we doing? Where are we going? What are we talking about? You now form a real relationship. And now the sex is the bonus part, the icing on the cake. But the cake is the best part and I don't care what anyone says. If I give you a bowl of icing, you're not going to eat it. Right, it's the cake. It's got to be a good cake, and then the icing makes it better.
Adam: 41:59
So, by helping them identify what they actually want, which oftentimes is not multiple women, they just want to have that experience, to tick some weird little box Right, and I'm like yo, you can go on vacation with the right woman and meet somebody and have that experience Like, and it can be an amazing experience for the woman and I always say to guys I'm like if you want a threesome, you should stop asking for a threesome and you should start focusing on helping a woman have an experience with a woman. Keep you out of it. I was like my best. Yes, yes, a hundred percent. My best threesomes have always come from meeting a woman that enjoys other women and helping her meet a woman, and they have never failed to bring me into the room. But I never presume and I'm always just like have you ever been with a woman? And like sometimes people are like oh, you're after three. Someone's like I've had plenty of this all month. I was wondering if you've been with a woman.
Ellecia: 42:51
That's a Tuesday night, yeah, exactly.
Adam: 42:53
I'm like I all the time Don't worry about me, but I'm just curious. And then when I have or you know I'm considering it, but I haven't done it for a while I was like just so, you know, I love helping women have that experience. I know how to meet, date and attract women. If you want to do it, I don't have to be involved. I'm very happy to help you meet a woman. I know a ton of women that love like having sex with women. I'm probably a phone call away from hooking you up and they'll be like are you serious? I'm like do you want to see some pictures?
Ellecia: 43:20
of like some. I'm pretty sure that's how my husband snagged me it's the best and I wish more guys.
Adam: 43:26
Men just have to trust that women don't have a penis and they generally want a penis involved in sex. But don't make the sex about your penis. Just have it there in case you need it. It's like like paper towels. You always need paper towels after sex, but most people don't think to make sure there are paper towels there in preparation, right or like or like baby wipes. You should always have baby wipes around, but no one's like. You know, got a bedroom, got music, got some wine, condoms baby wipes. You should have them After sex. You're going to wish you had them, right, Like. You're definitely going to want to have them and you should always have them. And it's exactly the same thing. The moment, where's the penis? Somebody just get a penis Right and that's that's what I'm there for. I'm just like hey, I, I'm. I'm still in the background. I got a dick. If you need it, it's here. I know what to do with it, I'm ready. You know, Um and I just threesomes come so much easier when that's your method.
Ellecia: 44:17
Yeah, yep, yep, yep. I am curious when you ask guys to list three things that they want that the other guys wouldn't say what's the best answer you've ever gotten.
Adam: 44:30
Oh my gosh, the best answer is from a woman. So we train women as well. We just don't get. Very often the best was a woman, and I will never forget this, because we get like what they really want.
Adam: 44:42
And this woman said and I I'm not gonna name her in any way because she goes a mime, she has a mime fetish. Yeah, so the reason she'd struggled in dating she done matchmaking with this is because she wanted a mime, but she wouldn't say it to anyone. So she'd be like I want a guy who's successful. You're like, she did the same thing that men do creative, right and creative, confident, dominant, masculine, lumberjack, right, um, and uh, yeah, she wanted a mime and I was like have you ever been to a mime convention? And she goes. It never occurred to me. We went online, we found some mime conventions and she was like this is the best training I've ever done, ever, because I was like a room of mimes. Just try not to masturbate as you walk through the room. You know like that's because clearly this is your idea of heaven. You can name it. Yeah, exactly, exactly, um, maybe they'll join in, who knows? Um, but no, the um, but for a guy, I think like the most interesting one that I ever got was he wanted a woman that would cook him a home cooked meal, and that doesn't come up very often. Most guys don't actually ask for that and because when you think about like the stereotypical woman, it's like cooks, cleans, whatever. But actually I don't think I've ever heard guys say I want a woman who cooks. Ever and we've taught over 350,000 men in 18 years Not one has said I want to cook, except this one. And he wanted somebody who can cook a home cooked meal and he prioritized that over looks or anything. And his mom passed away and she would cook him home cooked meals and so to him, a mom does home cooked meals and it's like what he wanted. Anyway, he ended up getting it. We got him this incredible woman. Yeah, I was so, so proud of this guy.
Adam: 46:32
She had seven kids and her husband passed and he'd been single most of his life and he was like in his forties and he goes I just want, I want kids, I want a woman. And so we met this woman and she was a security guard and he's an electrician and they met and they went on a date and he bought the meal and she said I don't normally eat like this because I've got seven kids at home. And she goes does that put you off? And he's like no. And she's like, yeah, she goes. It's always tough. She goes. Actually we had a problem last week. The TV broke and she goes I trust the TV to keep the kids occupied and she goes, so the kids haven't had a TV for a while. And he goes I'm an electrician. And she looks at him and they're on the date. And she goes can you fix the TV? And he goes, yeah. And she's like would it be too much to ask? He says, says, say nothing, we'll go right now. And they went back to her place and he fixed her tv and she said I don't have much to give you in return, but I'll cook you a home-cooked meal. And he cried and they're still together.
Adam: 47:36
I know, I know happened in chicago. And I was like to this day I'm just like that's so cool, like. But it was just beautiful to like watch this happen and like. And he was like no problem, I don't care that she's got kids. He's like I'm in my 40s, I want kids, like it's fine, seven kids, great, like. And he went and I was just like it's beautiful, it's such a great thing. But, yeah, so that was.
Adam: 47:54
Uh, they're like the two that that like really stand out, but most guys, they really want women that are into their hobbies. That's like what it comes down to, like, um, I always said, like my wife I don't know if you've seen a picture my wife's beautiful, um, like you know, my, my wife's russian yes, um, she, uh, she was a hollywood it girl. She was a fashion photographer in hollywood. I mean, she's, she's, she's stunning and she plays dungeons and dragons, magic the gathering video games, watches anime. Um, she's a super nerd and she loves having sex with me, with other women. Right, that's literally her favorite thing to do. I'm gonna get a bit too. Can I get somewhat raunchy on this? I feel like I can.
Adam: 48:35
On this part absolutely yeah, her favorite thing is to like when I'm having sex. I'll stand behind me and like, push me into them and be like, yeah, get it. Um, which I just find it. I love when she does it. I love that, yeah, and she'll be looking at the other one and be like, yeah, that's right. Look, I'm making him do it. Like it's hysterical to watch it. She has so much fun with it. But when you look at her and I know countless men that have tried to, you know in the past before of this they all failed. Now, the key to my wife's heart is Dungeons Dragons, anime and video games, and if you saw her as that super hot, beautiful model in Hollywood, you were going to fail if you didn't come to that table with Dungeons Dragons.
Ellecia: 49:18
If you can't role play.
Adam: 49:20
That's it. Yeah, if you don't know how to throw down some role playing, you're done, you got. You got no hope with this woman and um, you know, but I remember when I was learning dating, you know, because I wasn't always good, I always thought it would be impossible to meet somebody that beautiful who was into these kind of things. And that is exactly. I don't just have it once, I have it twice. My girlfriend is exactly the same and my ex is exactly the same, and I can go back through all the women I've dated. It's exactly the same, because I know how to meet them. I don't meet them based on looks or beauty. I meet them based on hobbies and things that we have in common, and then the beauty is just the icing on the cake.
Ellecia: 49:58
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that so much. That's wonderful. That's wonderful I tell my clients all the time I'm like dude, you just date the nerds. I promise Trust me, just date the nerds, yeah, yeah.
Adam: 50:14
I mean they're definitely incredible. But it also goes the other way. I meet a lot of like. We do get like entrepreneur type women that come through because you know, I teach business as well, I lecture on business, and so every so often I'll get like a very successful business woman, come through and be like hey, what about me? Like you know you help with these dudes, can you help me?
Adam: 50:32
And I always say to them find a carpenter. And uh, look at me for a minute. And they're like what? And I'm like trust me, carpenter, builder, roofer, painter. And they're like really why?
Adam: 50:46
I'm like because he doesn't understand anything you do for a living and doesn't care. He's not threatened by how much money you make, he just wants to build things. You make good money. He doesn't make a lot of money. You'll make more money than him. He won't care because you can't build a house and he knows you can't build a house, and when your fridge breaks, he'll be able to fix it. When your deck breaks, he'll be able to fix it and his value won't come based on money. His value will come based on the fact that he knows you can't change a light bulb and he can. And so he'll be very secure of himself. And I've seen it a few times where we get these very, very multi-millionaire successful women date these carpenters who own their own small carpentry workshop and the woman's making 10 times what the guy's making. But the guy makes more than enough money to do what he wants. He doesn't want any of her help, but when something needs doing in the kitchen, like fixing something, or there's a door that's broken, he steps in and he fixes it and it's done.
Adam: 51:37
And it's funny because, like I said, I grew up in humble beginnings and I'm that guy. I grew up doing things in my hands and I'm very physical. So my wife wanted a greenhouse and she tries not to bug me because obviously I do run our company and she had a guy trying to build her greenhouse and he didn't build the foundation right and she was upset because it was all a bit wonky and she's like, hey, I'm really worried about this. And so I just scheduled a weekend and I canceled my work and I went in and I dug a foundation, I built her foundation, I built her greenhouse myself, and um, and at the end of it you just see the way she looks at me. She's just like you know and she loves it. She's so proud of her greenhouse.
Adam: 52:16
Anytime anything's broken, like I'm the guy that comes to fix it. I am the one that fixes the deck, and I get more credibility and more attraction from her when I fix something that's broken in the house than any success I make financially. It means that much more. So I always say like for women for guys, get a nerdy girl that's into your hobbies, but for successful women, get yourself a handy guy, a guy that can fix things. That's your kind of guy.
Ellecia: 52:43
That's amazing. I love that. Okay, tell me this how can people find you?
Adam: 52:51
So a couple of things, like one. Our website is askthedatingcoachcom. When you go to that website, we have our personality test. It's free. You should take it. Um, it's aimed at men. So if you're a woman and you take it, your result you might come out as the social guy. But it doesn't matter because the results match. We just know that most men go there. You can just interject the word guy with gal and it will make perfect sense.
Adam: 53:16
But that personality test, it will let you know the ways you might be sabotaging your dating life, and we found there are 11 ways that each of the seven types sabotage. And most of the time, the reason you're not getting the dating life you want or something's wrong, is you're messing it up yourself. Like I said, you're after the wrong thing, or you're doing the wrong thing, or you're reacting in the wrong way. And this personality test is designed not to be like this is who you are, but to be like this is who you are, and these are the 11 things that be real with yourself. You're probably screwing up, and I love how I mean. We've currently, to date, touch wood, we've got 100 success rate of people messaging saying this was spot on, like you nailed it and I'm like, oh yeah, how many of the self-sabotage things you do. They're like four or five or six or whatever, and and I'm like, got it.
Adam: 54:05
And from there you have a couple of options. You can just go and work on them. You don't need us go solve it. Read a book, ask Google, whatever. Go and solve it. Alternatively, you can look at what it would look like to have our team work with you and you and say, hey, this is what's going on. So askthedatingcoachcom is probably the best place to go. But if you want to find me online, it's at theadamlyons L-Y-O-N-S. I'm on Instagram. I respond to my own messages, so I like talking to people.
Adam: 54:40
Really that's, weird I know right, it's actually funny. Yeah, I'm actually a deep introvert, but I enjoy texting. So texting is like my extroverted nature, so I'll text.
Ellecia: 54:53
Amazing, amazing. Okay, I have one more question for you before I let you go, and this one does not go on the main podcast. It's for our Patreon supporters and it's called this segment's called Just the Tip and it's called this segment's called Just the Tip and it's what is your favorite or best sex tip that you would share? Amazing, amazing. Is there anything I haven't asked you that you would want to share?
Adam: 55:28
That's a very, very good question. No, I think the biggest thing that I want to get out there is don't judge, genuinely don't judge. If you've got an idea of how relationships should be, don't put anybody else's version of relationship down. Like I love monogamy. I think monogamy is beautiful and the people that do it, they should have it. And you know, and and I don't care I don't even care what you think about what's going on in politics or if you do or don't agree with it Like just just don't judge people, like truly don't judge.
Adam: 56:02
Um, life's too short for that, and I think if there was just a lot less hatred and a lot more openness to listen and, like I said, I do. I have to listen to men say incredibly toxic things. As part of my job, and my job is just to hear and not judge, and then help them identify what they really want, and most of the time, they'll realize that their toxic views do not get them where they want to be. And that is the only. They'll realize that their toxic views do not get them where they want to be. And that is the only way to reduce toxicity in this world. You don't reduce it by fighting it. You reduce it by listening and helping them understand.
Adam: 56:35
And God, if more people did that in the world, if we really went out there and said, okay, well, I'm here, I'm here to listen and I want to help you get to the goal you want. And I don't think your goal is to be toxic. I think your goal is something else, and let's see what steps we have to take to get you there, and you may find the route you're going is not going to get you there. I think that would be wonderful. We'd all be in a happier world. So there you go. That's my yes.
Adam: 56:57
Yes, I agree.
Ellecia: 57:00
Amazing. Thank you so much. This has been been wonderful.
Adam: 57:05
Thank you so much. This has been been wonderful. Thank you so much. I truly appreciate it.
Ellecia: 57:08
Okay, that was Adam Lyons, the dating coach, with what might be the literal hottest just the tip we've ever had. I am still blushing a lot over here. So if you're curious and want more and deeper insights and you want to see what just happened, I've got exclusive content waiting for you on Patreon. You can join our Patreon community to get all of the behind the scenes and bonus content that is reserved for our supporters. Plus, I'm about to add some new goodies for you, so don't miss that. So head over to patreoncom slash not monogamous to sign up. It's more than just a subscription. It's a gateway to a deeper connection with me and our little podcast here and our amazing guests. Thanks so much for listening today and remember that exploring non monogamy is like an ongoing adventure and we're here to navigate it together Bye.