You’re Not Wrong for Wanting More: Let’s End That Lie About Love and Desire
If you’ve ever felt like wanting more in your relationships makes you “too much,” I want you to know—you’re not wrong. I’m Ellecia Paine, a non-monogamous love, sex, and relationship coach, and I’m here to challenge a cultural narrative that’s been quietly whispering in your ear: that if you want more, something must be wrong with you.
This lie—that good love is neat, contained, and exclusive—has been drilled into us for generations. We’re told that one person should complete us, that if we loved deeply enough, we wouldn’t want anyone else, and that gratitude means silence about our desires. But what if your longing for more connection, more honesty, and more authentic expression isn’t a problem to fix, but a compass pointing you toward your truth?
The Cultural Lie About “Enough” in Love
We’ve been conditioned to believe that if you want more, you’re selfish, broken, or ungrateful. That if you truly loved your partner, you wouldn’t desire anyone else. That being the “only one” is proof of your worthiness and lovability. But here’s the truth: love and desire are not limited resources. Wanting more doesn’t mean you’re lacking or being replaced. It means your truth is getting louder than your fears.
Desires aren’t red flags—they’re guides. They help you understand what you need to feel whole and alive. Wanting more is not a sign of damage; it’s a sign of honesty with yourself. And if you’re exploring non-monogamy, you might wrestle with the thought, “If I were enough, they wouldn’t want someone else.” That thought stings, but it’s not true. Someone’s capacity to love more than one person doesn’t diminish your value or the love they have for you.
Redefining “Enough” on Your Own Terms
One of the most powerful steps you can take is to define what “enough” means for you—not what your parents, friends, or society say. Your version of enough might look like:
One person who sees your full truth without needing you to shrink or translate yourself.
A polycule that allows you to be loved in multiple dimensions and ways.
Emotional intimacy without physical exclusivity.
Spaciousness with trust or deep devotion without control.
Freedom, predictability, fluidity, or something uniquely yours.
There is no right answer. There is only your answer. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation for what makes your nervous system exhale and your heart feel safe. You get to name it, claim it, and live it.
Non-Monogamy: Not Chaos, But Clarity and Trust
Non-monogamy often gets a bad rap as chaotic or messy. But when practiced with intention, communication, and solid tools, it can be grounding and trust-filled. It’s not about avoiding drama or emotional labor; it’s about showing up honestly with yourself and your partners.
It requires more than honesty—it requires self-awareness, boundaries used as scaffolding (not punishment), and nervous system regulation. You build it, practice it, mess up, try again, and have the conversations that create safety. When done well, non-monogamy can deepen love rather than dilute it. It invites you to love without possession, trust without surveillance, and connect without losing your identity.
The Freedom to Stop Performing and Start Living Your Truth
If you’ve been performing someone else’s version of love or “enough,” I want to give you permission to stop. You deserve to live inside your own version of enough and more. This means no more shrinking, no more apologizing, no more justifying your desires.
Here’s a practical step: write down what “more” and “enough” mean to you. Not what you think you should want, not what would be easiest for others to hear, but your honest truth. What kind of love, space, connection, freedom, or care are you craving? What does it feel like, taste like, or smell like? This clarity is the foundation for building relationships that feel like home—safe, secure, and amazing.
Moving Forward with Support and Community
Untangling these narratives and dismantling shame is tender work, but it’s also liberating. On the other side of this work is a space where your truth is louder than your shame. You’re not broken, you’re not being replaced, and you’re definitely not too much. You’re probably just more—you’re ready to love more, honestly and fully.
If this message resonates with you, I invite you to join my coaching program, Breaking Free From Monogamy. It’s a three-month journey where we do this deep work together—dismantling shame, building self-trust, and creating the love that fits your actual self, not the masks or societal expectations.
Final Thoughts
Wanting more in love is not a flaw. It’s a courageous act of self-honesty and growth. Love is expansive, multifaceted, and deeply personal. When you stop trying to fit into a box that wasn’t made for you, you open the door to relationships that honor your full self.
So take a deep breath. Write down your truth. Share it when you’re ready. And remember: you are enough, just as you are, and you deserve love that reflects your authentic self.