The Art of Setting Boundaries in Non-Monogamy: A Conversation with Dirty Lola, Ep. 58

Get ready for a compelling discussion that charts the high seas of non-monogamy. I'm thrilled to have the inimitable Dirty Lola aboard with us, an accomplished sex educator and media personality you may recognize from Netflix's Principles of Pleasure and HBO's the Sex Diaries. Her insights are not just enlightening, but deeply grounded in her personal journey, lending an air of authenticity and relatability that is invaluable.

"I always said that. I am very much a polyamorous person in my heart as part of my identity. I view it as part of my sexuality. It's how my brain works." - Dirty Lola

This discussion takes us through the emotional whirlwind associated with navigating non-monogamous relationships. Together with Lola, we uncover the necessity of open dialogue, the art of setting boundaries, and the intricate layers of different forms of non-monogamy. This journey isn't for the faint of heart, as we tackle challenging issues such as managing anger, confronting double standards and comprehending the intricacies of opening up a relationship.

To round off, we delve into the life-altering power of having a partner who validates emotions, listens attentively, and takes responsibility for their behavior. Lola generously shares her wisdom on the concept of compersion and the crucial role boundaries play in nurturing it. Whether you're just dipping your toes into the non-monogamy pool or are a seasoned swimmer, this episode is a treasure trove of insights. So, tune in, sit back, and join us on this enlightening journey into the realm of non-monogamy and polyamory with Dirty Lola.

Want to connect with Dirty Lola?
https://www.dirtylola.co/

Do you feel like you could use some help with your relationships? 
Get on a free call with Ellecia to see how she can help you  move through the challenges of jealousy, fear, anxiety, and insecurities in a way that strengthens your relationships, deepens your trust, and communication, and leaves you feeling confident. 
https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chat

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Credits
- Host/Producer: Ellecia Paine
- Editor/Producer: Danny Walters
- Hosted on Buzzsprout

TRANSCRIPT:

ElleciaHost00:07

Hey, I'm Ellecia, your non-monogamous relationship coach. Welcome to the podcast where my friends and I chat about our relationships enthusiastic, non-monogamy polyamory, swinging kink and our lives. You'll get a candid peek into what makes it worth it to live life outside the box. And in case you're still wondering, nope, we're not monogamous. Okay, this is like my sixth time recording this. I might actually fucking get it right.

00:44

The tale of today's guest's path to understanding her non-monogamous nature is a captivating narrative of growth, authenticity and the complexities of love. Guys, I am so excited to introduce you to Dirty Lola. Dirty Lola is a notable name among the sex education community in Brooklyn and the nation, and probably the world. Operating in multiple roles, lola's work spans from educating in workshops to being the creative director of an online magazine, and she also made her mark in the media landscape by appearing on Netflix's Principles of Pleasure and HBO's the Sex Diaries. Go check them out. Dirty Lola's experiences and insights into non-monogamy are rooted in her personal journey, making them super authentic and relatable. Lola emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, engaging in open communication to maintain healthy connections, and she highlights the transformative power of having a partner who actually fucking listens, validates emotions and takes responsibility for their actions. Overall, lola's story and experiences provide a deep understanding of the rewards and the obstacles faced in polyamorous relationships. It offers valuable lessons for people looking to explore non-monogamy, who are exploring non-monogamy, who are just been seasoned in non-monogamy. It's pretty fucking fantastic.

02:05

So before we dive in, I have one more thing. If you're itching for even more podcast, goodness, consider joining our Patreon at patreoncom. Slash, not monogamous. By becoming a part of the exclusive crew of listeners and supporters, you're not only making this show possible to produce, but also unlocking a vault of behind-the-scenes treasures, extra goodies and a whole lot of love from me, and you could find yourself claiming the title of Friends with Benefits, just like Daryl and Joseph do. Thanks for supporting the show, guys. Enjoy On this computer. That's how we do that. Oh, I also. The other thing I was going to tell you is that I don't. I don't do that to like a big old introduction.

02:48

I record that later because then I know what we talked about yeah, so no worries there, although, although, if you want to say a little bit about who you are, dope.

Dirty LolaGuest03:04

Yeah, you want me to.

ElleciaHost03:06

You want me to Sure?

Dirty LolaGuest03:10

I can talk about myself.

ElleciaHost03:14

I can talk about myself all day long. Do it Amazing, okay? Well then, let's just do this. First, I want to welcome you, to know we're not monogamous and I'm super excited that you're here and I've been like. I know who you are and I imagine a bunch of other people know you, who you are, but do you want to say who you are?

Dirty LolaGuest03:38

Sure, my name is Dirty Lola. I'm a sex educator based in Brooklyn, and I do so many things under the sex educator hat, so I teach workshops, speak at events and conferences, I work in a sex shop, I'm creative director of an online magazine and I do a lot of media things, and currently I'm on Netflix on the principles of pleasure and on HBO on the sex batteries.

ElleciaHost04:07

I love that. I'm watching the principles of pleasure and was just like, oh my God, so good. Why isn't everybody seen this, isn't?

Dirty LolaGuest04:14

it. I mean and I don't say it because I'm in it like that it's so good because I had no idea what it was going to look like they filmed. It was very a lot of talking because it all happened during lockdown, pretty much Like we were doing all the planning during lockdown. Then, the end of 2020, they were trying to film because they kind of let they're like you can film with all these rules, and they were trying to figure out how to do it and we were all there were some of us in New York, some were in LA and some were in Canada like a couple of people were in Canada. So they were just figuring out and they kept throwing out dates and trying to do it. And beginning of 2021, we finally figured out how they were going to do it because we had all the COVID precautions and things you had to do. And like they came to my house, like they sent someone to your house to test you, I felt very fancy. I think somebody come into my house and give me a COVID test, but they do it the night before.

05:09

Covid concierge yeah, no, that was when it was called. It was called COVID concierge and everybody on set had to do that was going to be on set had to do it, and if anybody had COVID they couldn't shoot the next day. So we got canceled a couple. It was a whole thing. But I was by myself Like I didn't get to see anybody else we filmed with. None of us saw each other. I had no idea how they were piecing any of it together. It was just very much me in my set and me at the desk and that was it. And they asked questions that they were asking all of us to like they could piece stuff together and I'm like I don't know what these ladies are going to do. I don't know what this is going to be, and at that point I didn't know.

05:52

Emily was co-producing, so I was like they're lovely, but they are very not educated, like they were saying like we're doing it because we don't know, and so I was like what is this going to look like? So I was very happy once I found out. Yeah, like, but I cried when they sent us the first episode to like see before it aired and I just sat there and I cried like just tears because it was so beautiful the way they put it together, just all the little things and I'm like, you know, doing this work and being immediate stuff, like seeing just the care, like all the stuff in the drawings, I'm like I really hope people notice all these little nuances and things and down to the person they had narrating. You know, like Michelle Boteau is just magical, but it was all these parts and I love that.

06:52

Even though it wasn't focused on people with penises per se, it was still very good information for everyone to know and it just made my heart happy. I'm like, yeah, you could sit and watch this with your kids. You could sit and watch this with your spouse and your partner, your friends. I watched it with friends. My partner watched it with his kiddo. It was live, like they all watched it together. It was very sweet and I love that I could share that with people and people could share it with their people.

ElleciaHost07:21

That's so good. I seriously think everyone should watch it, because there's so much that people just don't know even like really slutty people, yeah, they just don't know.

Dirty LolaGuest07:36

Secrets. I didn't know that your hymen grows back. I mean, I didn't think it was like a slim, like like a slow down, like it's like you know I got. But I guess my mind was just like, oh, it's a bear that can. I knew it could tear anywhere right, like right nearby, fault whatever. But I didn't know it was something that like grew back and we just always had and I was like, wow, I learned a thing. Okay, because I, you know, forever I've known like yeah, it breaks whatever, but it's not necessarily during sex, like so many things can be happening to break it and especially if you're rough and tumble type person, didn't know, grew back. So here we are. Even sex educators are learning things.

ElleciaHost08:24

It's like a starfish leg.

Dirty LolaGuest08:29

Yeah, look at us, we're magic. We 3D print humans and like if something breaks we can mend it. We got it Amazing.

ElleciaHost08:40

I love it. Um, okay, so the show is nope, we're not monogamous. So I clearly like talking about relationship styles that aren't monogamy. I love it. So I'm hoping that you would be willing to share a little bit about your journey in the world of non monogamy.

Dirty LolaGuest09:08

I'm in, let's do it, okay. So I we didn't call, we didn't. I don't think we had a title. It was like we were just kids doing things. But I was nominated in high school. I had a girlfriend and I remember I was dating a boy and I had broken up with him because I really liked this girl and I was still really into him. And I remember she sat with me and she's like you know, I would be cool if you were with him and I'm like really, she's like yeah, why not? Like you didn't have to break up with him. And I was like, huh, okay. And so there we were and it didn't have a title and it really who know?

09:51

I don't know if we were operating in any of the things I operate now, but it was just this thing that existed and I never wanted to get married. My brain was always in like, oh, I would like to live in a house with my girlfriend and my boyfriend and that's how I want to live and I don't want to be married. I never sat and wrote my name with somebody else's name. I always felt that was disgusting. Be somebody else. And that was never me. I was never that girl.

10:23

And then I met my now ex-husband and I fell held over heels and I had this moment where like, oh, maybe you're just really, you were just really slutty and I had not hadn't found the right person to love or to love you, and so, and I was so taken with him like nothing. You know, you get those blinders when you really are into somebody. So for the longest while, longest, while being like maybe five years, and it was very like, okay, I am happy in this. And then I had a breakdown Call it a quarter life crisis, call it whatever you want I was washing dishes and I started sobbing and I was like this is it who I am? This is not who I'm supposed to be. And I was wailing in my kitchen and I remember he came in like what's wrong? And I'm like I'm just not. I'm not the human I'm supposed to be being. This is not me, like this domestic. You know this is a part of me, but it's not me. This is not how I'm supposed to be. And I had an affair because I rekindled the connection within my very first love. Thanks, myspace. Wait, here we are aging ourselves.

11:37

My space was like really hitting it, and this was back when you couldn't be on Facebook because unless you went to college I had certain colleges, remember nobody could be on Facebook unless it was like people you went to college with, and so everybody was just sending people messages. And all these boys I went to high school with were like professing their crushes, are like oh, and I'm like oh, what's going on? And then the man now that had fallen in love with first and had broken up with me in such a mean way and had always carried that wound, like sent me an apology letter, I know, and then we were just chatting and it didn't. It was never like, yes, I'm going to cheat. It was like, oh, I would like to like hang out with this person. And I was hanging out with a bunch of people from high school and it turned. First it was an emotional affair and then we had like an affair and then my ex found out and we were on the road, like we were engaged and getting married, and I was like, hey, I'm not, I don't want to leave you, I would like both. I don't know how do we, could we make this happen? And he said, absolutely not, not into this. Okay, I understand that, but I like tucked it in the back of my hand. I was like, oh, we're going to come back to this later.

12:56

And then I was reading an article in the New York Times and it was. I wish I could remember the book, but it was about. It wasn't about the book, but it was about the person who wrote the book about. It was a book about, like nominogamy, mainly the polyamory, and they were really just kind of. It was about the book coming out and talking about polyamory and I just remember reading it and this is that's me, this is who I, and I showed it to my ex husband and he's like no, no, so it's up to the back of my head and I was just really, but I really was just not happy being monogamous.

13:36

So I'm queer and I, you know, said, hey, what if? What would you? Would you be up for like some three, some fun? Like what if we went out together? And you know we went together and you know, found somebody to play with and he was down for that. So that was how I kind of got there, the beginning of that of us going out and we're both awkward with women, so it didn't work out. And then, you know, going out and who do you like that person and what do you like about it? You know, talking to each other, it was really helpful and fun. And then we started going to swingers clubs because we were like bars are not working. We're really bad at this. We're like I don't know if I'm flirting or she just thinks I really like her outfit, or I don't know what's happening. Like you know, I know you've had that moment where you're like I don't. Am I for that? Are we, or do we just really think each other's cute?

ElleciaHost14:39

Do I have a crush on you or do I just want to be like you?

Dirty LolaGuest14:48

That wasn't working. So we tried, we started going out to like swingers clubs and that was fun. I'm trying to think so a lot of us having sex in swingers clubs amongst the energy of it, and I think a couple times we like swap stuff. But even that was again super bonding, because going out to a fingers club and you're like it's midnight and they rolled out the breakfast buffet and so we were eating bacon and drinking vodka and like watching, like a Mormon woman with hair down to her knees like shake her ass to ludicrous it's. I don't know what else is better, and it was really lovely. Yeah, you know, I I feel like we all have some point where bacon is involved with.

ElleciaHost15:41

I have a lot of bacon stories.

Dirty LolaGuest15:45

The unofficial food of nothing. So it was a lot of us kind of exploring and doing those things and, in that, him getting a little bit more comfortable. And then I started dating and we had all these rules and I had the best date, the best dates, when I had all of these like boundaries and rules and things that I couldn't cross and stuff, and I had beautiful dates. Why? Because everybody wants to be the person that gets to, like, you know, get past all of that and but I had wonderful dates and we had a whole thing set up. And then slowly he was like, oh, this isn't that bad, like, oh, I can deal with this, so something would come back, fall down, something would go on the table. Then we started meeting people at conferences and going to different things, made friends.

16:32

I slept with a woman and her girlfriend. We all became friends and he started dating her and then suddenly we're in a polycule Because she was married and had a girlfriend and her girlfriend was also married. So we were like an instant orgy and so for about a year we were like all together and then they breakups happened and whatnot, and then we were all. The four of us were a polycule. Their kiddos also were a part of that. And then that was maybe like four years or so years before all the diverse stuff started happening. And then you know the thing that everybody's like see, this is why Polly Emery doesn't work, because he left me for her and she left her husband for him. But I'm like how many Minangwis people have this happen all the time, all the time, and you don't even know the people that you're getting left for. They just at least I do who he was leaving me for. You know it's not.

ElleciaHost17:34

Oh, the part of it.

Dirty LolaGuest17:35

Right, I was there, I don't know. But it's not isolated. To like Polly Emery, it's. Things happen and I always said that I am very much a Polly Emery's person in my heart as part of my identity. I view it as part of my sexuality. It's how my brain works. I tried Minangwini and I was bad at it and for my ex he was Polly Emery by situation. It was like situational Polly Emery that worked because he found a way to make it work, but he didn't have the capacity and that's really like, all the crap aside, he fell out of love with me because he didn't have the capacity to love two people and he did that like that choose. It wasn't as dramatic as it is on TV, but you know, it's that inner workings where if you don't have that capacity, you do fall out and fall in with someone new, and so it's not for every like I know it's not for everybody and I always said that I'm like, yeah, he's not Polly Emery's because he's drawn to it, it's because it's what's happening in his life.

ElleciaHost18:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what a beautiful way to like to move through that, to like move slowly, create agreements, go. Okay, is this working? What's not? Oh, this isn't so bad. Okay, we can do this now. Yeah.

Dirty LolaGuest19:02

And it was bumpy. Sometimes, you know, like you bump up against stuff. You get tired of having the agreement, you get tired of having so many rules and you're like, don't you see how silly this is? And sometimes it takes them a minute. And I remember we went to I forget the kink conference we went to, but then it was a talk on Polly Emery and if I tell you, they had to open up. You know, in the hotel they had like the accordion wall that'll divide two rooms. They had to take over another room because it's filled up with people and wanting to hear this talk.

19:36

And I remember they did a talk about jealousy and that was right around the time I was reading the ethical slide and it resonated with me so much about like jealousy being an okay emotion and like listening to your jealousy and what is it? Is it a red flag? Is it just you, your shit? Are you just having shit that you need to sit with and figure out? Do you have needs that aren't being met? Like it was so helpful and for him it was hearing like, oh yeah, it's okay to be flexible, it's okay you can like go back if you would like. Oh, I want to do this and it didn't work. You could always talk about pulling back like moving forward, go side diagonal, like it doesn't have to just you have to change your mind, yeah or augment it even a little bit, like augment the thing to make it fit what you need.

20:27

And it was so, so helpful for both of us, cause he was not a reader and I could not get him to read anything that I was reading and I was like I should read this book and he's like I'm not gonna do that. So it was nice getting to get to that point. But people think I tell people the story and they're like, oh, you know, and I'm like, yeah, but you know this was a course of years. This was years of good, bad, ugly, happy, sad, you know sexy, not sexy tears, yelling all kinds of things. To get to this place and even getting here where I am now was like it's own roller coaster. You know it's not. It's easy when you get the cliff notes, but going through the whole book is like woo.

ElleciaHost21:14

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, I tell people all the time like I have like a blog post. It's like I cry to every day for a year and it's not, that's no joke. Like, and it wasn't like I don't wanna do this, it was like I am just so like emotionally overwhelmed by so much change and so much like processing and like am I jealous? Am I insecure? Are you doing something wrong? Like, what am I even doing? What do I want? Yeah, yeah, it's just a lot, yeah.

Dirty LolaGuest21:41

I will never, ever ever get used to the sensation of both being in love probably in love and having a broken heart at the same time and that has happened way too many times since I've been an adult polygamorous person, where you just feel like you're, it's like you did drugs. You're like what's going on? You're texting someone, there's NRE, you're falling in love and then like everything else is on fire and falling apart and you're mourning and you're full of joy, but it's like all together and it's literally like a fucking hurricane in your body. It's like how could you not just cry? You just need to get it out.

ElleciaHost22:27

And I'll take that any day over like 20 years of sitting on the couch watching Lost Reruns.

Dirty LolaGuest22:34

Unless it's with my polycule. Let's all sit together, yeah, yeah, no, it's worth. It's worth every moment of uncomfortableness. And that's the thing I tell people. I get messages and they're like oh, I'm not happy or this, and they're thinking about cheating, or they're thinking about, or they're already doing some kind of emotional like somewhere else. They're not at home and I always say listen, you have to make a decision. Either way it's gonna hurt. I'm gonna tell you now. None of this is gonna feel good right away. You're either gonna stay where you are and be unhappy and it's gonna crescendo until something bad happens to end it. You're gonna get caught, or they're gonna be unhappy because you're clearly not treating them well, because you're ignoring them or whatever is going on, and you're gonna end up with harm here. Or you can make a conscious decision and talk through it, and they may not accept it. They might not be happy, they're gonna be angry, but the end to that conscious decision is gonna be a much cleaner end and it's gonna heal a lot easier than like all of this.

23:42

This is a gunshot. This is like a knife wound, not a non-fatal knife wound that's got good stitches. With a plastic surgeon Like these are two different things, right, they both hurt. But you know, and people just don't, they want the easy out. I'm like that doesn't exist. It's not, not in any kind of nominogamy. This is nothing.

ElleciaHost24:06

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you say is the? What was the most challenging part of like opening your relationship up like that?

Dirty LolaGuest24:19

Cool. I think it was really trying to reassure him that I was coming home To be excited to, like, explore new people and, you know, get to know new people on an intimate level without that wall of like I can't cross. I can't get to know you that much. I can only get to know you this much. I was so excited about that. But also I'm coming home and trying to get my then partner to wrap his head around that. I'm coming home, I still love you and because I didn't have the toolbox that I have now at all to be able to figure out how to communicate that better, that was the biggest struggle. And I think also I had a lot of what's the word? Not grief, not revenge, that revenge. I didn't like that.

25:17

When we would do something, when something would happen, he wouldn't be okay with it. But then if he wanted to do that exact same thing, he was suddenly okay with it. The double standard, the kind of like. You know, I'm not okay with that, I'm really uncomfortable. But then it's like oh well, I want to have sex with this person. Okay, sex is on the table. And it's like, oh, like, I wish you weren't making decisions based off of your dick what you want to do. I wish these were decisions being made with, like, your heart and your brain and us talking about it, and not because you're going to go on a date and you would like to have sex with that person, so now, suddenly and magically, you are okay with that me having sex with other people because you get to do it. It's like, oh, that was hard, that was really hard.

ElleciaHost26:06

Yep, yep, right. And it's almost like you can't like like how to convince people that if it's like like that somebody else might be having that same experience, right, like if you trust yourself enough to know like I can go and do this thing, I can go have sex right, or whatever the thing is, and I'm still going to come home, why don't I believe my partner can do the same thing?

Dirty LolaGuest26:31

Right, right, right, exactly, yeah, exactly. And like, and to talk about it like say out loud why am I not feeling like this or what's missing? Like I realized a lot of my jealousy was coming from that we weren't having sex right for a while. Like we weren't having sex but I knew he was leaving to go have sex and it's like and you know, or we would have not had any quality time together we would have not have spent any time or he would have not done anything.

27:04

There was no like tying the bow right, like make sure everything's okay at home before you. Like walk out the door and go away and stop answering your phone, because you're, you know all the things. And when I laid out like hey, it would feel great if we could have sex, and if it's not, if you're not feeling sex, but like an intimate moment before you leave and some quality time, like a date night, even if it's in the house, and it would be wonderful. Like you took care of making sure I'm set for the weekend.

27:34

Like food wise. Like is that? Have we shopped all the stuff? Because that's what I would do for him. And I'm like, oh, I want what I do for you when I go away. I've shopped, you have food, sometimes prepared food, like you don't have to think about anything and I'm trying to make sure I spend time with you before I go. And like I want, I want that to and I'd like you to check in and those things were very hard for him to do, those always like this cycle of you're being crazy and I'm like I do, you're not doing any of the things that I need, and then you're disappearing.

ElleciaHost28:08

And now I'm resentful.

Dirty LolaGuest28:10

Yes, resentful or we would make boundaries. We would like go to events together as a group and we'd be sitting in the car like what is, what's the container for this weekend? What does this look like? And the big one for me back then was like not sleep, not fucking in the bed we're sleeping in, especially at a hotel with one bed where you're not going to be able to change the sheet, like you know, one thing at our house, it's another thing, just like. I don't want that energy. We're struggling a little bit like I go somewhere else, I don't know what to tell you and he would always break it and then he would lie and I'm like you don't make the bed, like they make the bed in the hotel, so I know that you've been in this bed. And he go, oh, yeah. So it's like, oh, you're like, now there's lying, and so now there's all this upset, yeah, and it's like not, not necessary. Those were the rough times, right, those were the like. That's when you keep learning like this is what I will not do.

ElleciaHost29:08

Yeah, yeah, you know I coach a lot of people around like this. It's like, when I hear stories like that, I'm like, oh, it sounds like this little boy who is so scared of getting in trouble. I know I did something wrong and I do not want you to find out because then I'll be in trouble and it's like. It's like watching a little boy.

Dirty LolaGuest29:29

Or and my thing always was that this really isn't what you want to agree to. You need to say no and we have to figure out a work around. Because if he said no, I don't think that's fair, this is good to be the space then I, you know that probably would have been upset. But then I could have said, like, can you handle getting the bed changed Like, can you handle getting the sheets changed? Can you handle, like, making sure I'm not coming back to be in like the wet spot, because that's not like. Why do I want that? It's not mine. Let's collaborate. You know, yeah, like, but it was a lot of him just going yes and then not following through. Instead of the no, I don't like that. Then let's figure out almost on the alternative that might feel good for both of us.

30:14

I never got that in that relationship. That's something now I feel with my current partner. I definitely where I'm just like ready for a fight. I'm getting better. It's been six years, but in the beginning I'd be ready for the fight because I always had to kind of like be ready to like. You're not and you go. Oh well, I'm not okay with that. But what if we did this and I'm like get you, oh yeah, oh, actually, you know what? I'm totally okay with that. I love that. That's better than this original thing. Like, let's do that you had to. You know, get used to having somebody who is wanting to talk about things and not just yes me today.

ElleciaHost30:56

Uh huh, uh huh. Yeah, oh, that's so good. What, okay, I'm talking about, like communication, right, like that's. That's kind of the thing is is don't agree to things. You don't want to agree to keep talking about things until you have a solution that works for everyone, right and like and like figuring out what your, your boundaries are so you can make those agreements.

Dirty LolaGuest31:21

Mm, hmm, and sometimes it might mean that you just don't get to do the thing that you want to do in that moment, because if you're, if you're up in the air, you're still betraying trust If, if nothing's come to an end agreement that you know. This is Ross and Rachel. We want to break, right, like, did you talk about the break? No, you know, but if everybody doesn't know that, if everybody does it, if the break to everyone doesn't equal, we're having sex with other people. Oh, the noises. They're flipping my power on and switch you guys to generators. If you hear weird noises, where were we? We're talking about saying yes, but not me.

ElleciaHost32:12

Yeah, yeah yeah, boundaries, boundaries. What about boundary like how, how, how? What's the question I want to ask you? So, having gone from you feeling like you have to fight for what you need and what you want to a more communicative relationship, how does it feel to like establish and maintain your own boundaries?

Dirty LolaGuest32:46

It was very freeing, but it was also there was a lot of like oh, I kept finding myself in the back where I was, for a moment.

32:59

There would always be this like handful of minutes where I'd be back in my old relationship and setting myself up and putting up the old guards and doing all the things to get ready to argue for what I needed or you know, because this is what this is going to turn into.

33:15

And then, when it doesn't like, everything, just all your muscles relaxed and your brain releases because you realize, like I'm not, this is not even going to be like this and it's going to be so easy. Comparatively, it made it easier. It also made it easier for me to really think about what I was asking for, because it wasn't coming from a place of resentment and it wasn't coming from a place of anger or just discombobulation, because when you're always arguing about the same thing and always asking, you start getting like bereft. You know it's heartbreaking when you don't feel heard and you don't feel seen and you keep asking for the same thing and it's not really you asking for a lot and you're like this is all I'm asking you for and it's not being done, so having somebody go, okay, and you're like that's it.

ElleciaHost34:16

Gosh, as you were saying that, as you, as you were describing that, I felt like, well, I felt my first marriage, but also, but also like, regardless of the relationship structure monogamous, non monogamous that feels like kind of the typical, like the social standard of what a marriage or a relationship is supposed to be, especially a hetero relationship where we often have women going. I just want these couple of things and men going, but this is just how it is Right, or like sure, I'll do it.

Dirty LolaGuest34:55

No, you're right, you deserve that. And then not doing it, and you're like. And then you're mad and they're like well, why are you upset?

ElleciaHost35:03

Uh huh, it's like I just felt like millions, of millions of people going oh, that sounds like my relationship.

Dirty LolaGuest35:13

Because it happens so much and that's and that's the sad part is it happens so much with finding that person who diffuses. It would diffuse my own anger. That was another thing that I kept being surprised by. I would be so mad about something that happened and like rightfully angry about a thing that's happened, and we would start talking and the fact that he wasn't interrupting me and he was hearing me and he would go you're right, it's not even about needing to be right, but it's like having somebody say, like your anger is valid, or oh you know what, hearing how this played out for you, I see my fuck up, and I didn't mean that to happen that way, or I didn't realize it was going to hit you that way or come across that way. So I didn't think about this in this terms. And having somebody do that, instead of going, yeah, well, you, what about you? And then so nothing's getting solved and now you're defending yourself. So having someone go, oh, I hear you, I see you, it would diffuse my anger.

36:13

It would like take me from a 10 to like a five, where I was still upset but able to be rational, and even sometimes go hey, I'm still processing, because I'm not trying to process now, because we may not get to talk about this again, because you're not going to want to talk about this later, and so now I'm trying to process on the fly and it's a whole thing, so being able to like diffuse enough to go.

36:40

I'm still figuring out all the things, but this is where I am and thank you for hearing me and then being able to come back and say here's where I was, like, after I thought about it, here's what happened for me. This is what would have made that feel different, such a game changer, because it was never. It never took away that like, oh, you're not going to be angry because you're still going to get mad at people. People are still making mistakes but it goes from being this flying off the handle because you're not being heard, or they're pressing all your buttons because they're feeling defensive and not open to hearing you, and it just makes it into a whole. Because how many times have we all fought? And now we're fighting about something that happened three years ago?

ElleciaHost37:31

That's a game changer. I mean same relationship, different relationship doesn't matter, but like being able to like calm down and table the discussion until you've had time to think about it.

Dirty LolaGuest37:43

That alone changes so much, yeah, and that they're going to actually want to talk to you about it after you. Calm down, yeah, or and for him me not because I'm like I have and I'm getting better, maybe my thing is I really, when I'm angry with people, it's like my love turns off. I'm not able to like have love. You feeling is when I'm mad, really mad, though I can't be affectionate, like it just doesn't work for me and it's so hard for me. Old me would just stop talking to you for the day, like I would just ignore you all day and I would pretend you weren't there, because that was the only thing that kind of worked in my marriage. Was you want to hear me when I was talking to you? So I would pretend he wasn't there until he couldn't take being ignored anymore and then he'd go okay, I'm sorry. Like I don't really want to talk about it or solve it, but I'm just going to say I'm sorry, sorry, that was our cycle all the time, and so being with a person who like cannot take silence, it really fucked with him. He's like he gets so upset and knowing that I don't want to do that to him, even when I am upset and so having somebody who's like I would like him we make time when would be a good time for you, or here's what my schedule looks like.

38:59

I, you know he's a therapist, so he's like I have clients all day, is it? And he'll get? Is it okay if I check him with you? Is it okay if I send you things like, are you okay if I send you memes? Is it okay if I send you like things, or is that going to upset you? Like having I never had anybody ask me can they contact me when I'm upset with cute things? Cause it used to make me angry. I'm like you're ignoring that I'm mad, or you're ignoring that we are having like a whole fucking thing right now, like everything's imploding and you're sending me mates.

ElleciaHost39:33

It's like you're not strong right now.

Dirty LolaGuest39:36

Yeah, like what is going on. But having that, and sometimes I've been like you know, what could we not? Could you just not until we talk tonight I would. I need some time where I'm not getting this or I'll go yes, I'm okay with that, and it's like oh, I have choices too. I have choices to do this, and it also I get to sit for a moment and go. You have a choice where you can be a good partner and what does that look like? And you don't have to be. You know, you don't have to shut down and you don't have to not give love.

40:09

When you're mad and like how can you do this? And not, you know, feel like you're betraying yourself Cause I do like, oh, I hate saying I love you when I'm mad at somebody that I'll do it now Cause I know he, it's like really, he's like I don't. Like when you won't say you love me, cause I know you do, but it really hurts when you won't, when you're upset and I'm like, yeah, you know, but having space, it helps me grow Like I'm becoming a better person, not just for him, but because of how we communicate. It helps me realize like, oh, I'm hurt, I'm hurting you because I'm hurt.

ElleciaHost40:49

Oh no, I got to put on my big girl panties.

Dirty LolaGuest40:52

I know, and you're because you. I think we all feel righteous, right In our anger. We feel righteous and treating people. However, because we're angry and it's like, yes, maybe in that moment, but what's the outcome? What's the fallout? Are you, are you basically chipping away at your relationship because you are petty and you know nippy and evil and you say things you don't mean in call names when you're upset, even if you apologize, what's been done is done and like, what are we doing over time? And so, if you have the space to go, oh, okay, I'm mad, but I can give this much I can say I love you. I can. I can use emoji. I stopped using emojis and he's like I can tell you're upset. You're not using emojis. Can you talk to me? You only used one explanation, oh.

ElleciaHost41:50

I got the partner. Everything is finished with a period. Yes, period, what? Why are you mad? I'm not mad. I have a good day Period. I'm good, I had chicken.

Dirty LolaGuest42:03

It was delicious. Yes, to me, to me. So you know, just putting things but I might not use the explanations. I'll put like a little heart throughout.

ElleciaHost42:19

you know, it melts the ice of, like I'm trying to make it like a green heart and not a red heart.

Dirty LolaGuest42:27

Yeah, Well, when I'm real mad, I shouldn't have thumbs up, that's mean. So go have a good day.

ElleciaHost42:43

Bye kids.

Dirty LolaGuest42:46

And then. But now I've gotten really good at saying like hey, I'm really, I'm, I'm, I'm, apologize, I'm sorry, because I was a little snippy with you today, you didn't deserve that. Or he was here visiting and my perimenopause was fucking flaring and everything felt like fire and he gives off heat Like he's a mate of lava and I have a full size bed and I was like uncomfortable and I should have set up the other bed for him, because the way I sleep at his house is I have my own room and he'll sleep and fall until I fall asleep and then he'll go get back in his big bed with his wife and that's how we share space, because I don't sleep well with people anymore, but it's so we can cuddle and have time and then I don't have to be like, oh, why are you in here, go away, so you're so hot.

43:37

And so this trip, because I wasn't sleeping well and my body was hurting and I was hot all the time. I was so short tempered and when he got home and we had a great time, but there were a lot of moments that were hard and when he got home I said you know, I'm sorry, I wasn't nicer to you on this trip. I feel like I wasn't as nice as I could have been and I really hope it didn't ruin your time. And he's like no, I had a great time. And he's like I get your going through stuff. But thank you so much for apologizing and, like all of me would have been like fuck you, don't be lava, and maybe I would be nicer to you.

ElleciaHost44:17

Oh, my God, I love it so much. Oh, that's wonderful. That is wonderful. I want to ask you about compersion. Is compersion something you experience?

Dirty LolaGuest44:39

Sometimes, sometimes I have it. Okay. I think I would feel it more if I was local because right now my partner is long distance, my lover is long distance. I'm wading through the cesspool of data in New York to try to find somebody here that's local. But I think, being so far away, whenever my partner, I have a date with a new person, it flares up all this like this new person gets to spend time with him in a way. I don't get to spend time with him. They get to randomly go to a movie with him, or he went out to a bar and they ran into them and they get to spend time with him and I have to plan and plot everything out and I'm not going to see him for months. And it flares it up and the irrational like oh, there's not going to be any space for me because there's this other person now and they're local and it's just going to edge me on more, all of those things that aren't true flair and I've learned that and so I've had to kind of build like some boundaries around it so that I can get to a point of compersion for him.

45:49

So first I'm like I want to know. Please don't ever not tell me. I want to hear when you've met somebody new. I don't know if I want to hear about your date. Can you ask me Like I might be in the mood for it? I might not and sometimes I don't want to know and I'm like I don't want to know about sex things. I'm not big on hearing about him having like anybody I'm having sex with. Having sex with other people just randomly, it's not, that's not where I get my joy. But I do want to know like, oh, did you do something fun? But ask because I might, especially when it's new. I might not be there.

46:21

Eventually I get to a point where I'm like oh, I'm so glad you get to hang out or I'm so glad you know it gets there. And especially when he is getting to a point where he's getting to like integrate because I know he's really big on making sure everybody's kind of integrated and friends and that's his like dream. He wants all the like be friends and love each other. And I'm very like I don't want to meet anybody for a year. But I don't, I don't, I, that's my awesome, I rule. Because he keeps meeting people and it doesn't go well and I'm like I want. I want you to be happy, I'm going to know about them, I can wait. Yeah, if you're with them for a year, I'll meet him. Make it work first. Like I don't want to meet the person you've been dating for four months because I happen to be in town. Like I'm good, I'm good, so I get there.

47:13

I get, I have compersion when he's he's planned like his big trips and he's very excited about it. I get very excited for him for those things and I'm like, oh, and when he has his, he calls them fireworks moments, the like love explosions. He's very shmoopy. Me and my metamore, his wife, are not shmoopy and we make fun of him and the and the gentlest kind of stuff ways about how he just wants all these shmoopy like kiss me on the cheek, both of you kiss me on the cheek while we look at the moon and we're like, ah, get out of here. So when he gets those shmoopy moments, I feel compersion and makes my, makes my heart happy.

47:55

But it's sometimes for me I have to.

47:56

I have to like, get in there and then once it's that like when, when everything, not everything's running right, when it's people are in our lives, it's a lot easier.

48:07

Like they had their 15th wedding anniversary last year I think was last year and so everybody was there, the whole polycule. Everybody came and we were all at all the events and because they come out to their family the year before, and so they were like our whole polycule is here and we all gave speeches and I had so like the love in my heart was overflowing, just bubbling over with all these people that love them and that we're connected to each other and how you know lovely it is and a lot of we joke that they are. They take in wounded people and make us better, because myself and my MetaMorris platonic love partner we both started with. They found me when I was broken and it's true, like they found I met him when I was at like a really not great point and then and then my ex asked for the divorce, so our relationship was beginning and I didn't even want it because I was like I can't do this well.

49:18

I can't fall in love with my heart. He's like well, my life is being burnt down. You know like I'm inside. I'm that little, I was that little dog inside the burning. Everything's fine, Like it was like that was me my coffee, like oh, but it was. I was like, oh yeah, this is what comparison feels like like deeply just the life that they formed.

ElleciaHost49:49

I love that so much I love your self awareness on.

49:52

Like, actually I'd like to wait to meet people and, like you know, knowing what, what you want to know, what you don't want to know, because so many people kind of especially opening up or just entering non monogamy are like I don't know. I need to know everything or I need to know nothing and comparison is this gold standard reason that people are doing things. But like there must be something wrong with me because I don't feel comparison and I'm like dude, I've been doing this for a decade and I feel comparison, like twice a year maybe. Like I'm happy with neutral, so happy with feeling neutral If I'm not really jealous, I am stoked.

Dirty LolaGuest50:29

Thank you. Yes, yes, oh yes. Did I burn your house down? No, be happy, I am. No, that is such a good point. Yeah, because it's hard to be. I mean, I think it's lovely when you can be loved, with your person being loved.

50:50

I'm the realist right, and I've seen this. I think also part of that for me is I've seen his heart get broken. I've seen people treat him poorly, like he's a good person and he loves deeply, and I've seen people just kind of stomp on it and it makes me want to choke people out and I'm like you don't want me killing everybody you date who treats you poorly, like that wouldn't go well. I feel like the NPR would have the ball with it, but I don't think we want that to be the face of polyamory. Oh, so relatable.

51:17

No, yeah, so, and there were a couple of people in a row that made that rule have to happen because they got. I don't like when people pretend they know me, you know, like, you know my name and you know somebody I know and you're like, hey, I don't trust you. That makes me feel so distrustful. And in the end she was awful. She was an awful person. She stole my collar because she steals something from everybody she breaks up with and it happened to be my collar, I know it was a whole thing. And then the next person he got with she they dated, and then I don't know he he has like a creeper mustache. It's not, it's just, he's just the white man with the mustache, and it's he looks a little bit like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.

52:08

And if he wears a polo or like a. I'm like I told him you can't wear a member's only jacket because people are going to pull their children closer, like it's not purposeful, but just he's just a dorky white man that kind of gives off creeper vibes because of the mustache, and so I think this person was like I don't know about you and didn't want to see him anymore. But his wife was dating their husband and so they were like in social situations. So we were all together for New Year's and he found out, she found out he was dating me and suddenly wanted to date him and then with hardcore pursuing him because of me and I was like this is why I don't like meeting people, because that was creepy. I'm like that's creepy, that she's the M like oh, but now I know you date little Lowe, so now you're cool. Maybe we can like no, no, it's okay.

ElleciaHost52:58

Do I want to be her.

Dirty LolaGuest53:02

I want to steal her skin. But you know I don't and I'm aware of who I am and like circles and I want people to get to know him for him and it's I'm not and I'm like you know. Part of it is like am I being not humble? I'm not making that way, but I do. We've had some moments where people know who I am and I'm like I want them to like you for you. I don't want them to like you because of your proximity to me. That doesn't feel good to me. I don't want to slap people and because I will, yeah, so it's just. It's also letting it run its course. Let them know. If you want to let them know who I am, I'm fine. Let you know I'm not, don't hide me. I like to know who they are.

53:47

I tell stories and he loves a story. He loves to hear. He's the king of comparison. Oh, my God, the moment if I'm on the internet talking about somebody I've been chatting with, he will send it like will you tell me more about this later? He loves to hear about this. He wants to hear about the sex. He wants to hear like how was the date? Where did you go? Where did you wear. What was the conversation like? He's nosy in the best way. Like he's like oh, I love it. He's like yes, well, it's a good day, he's such a cheerleader, he's in it Like and when I have a bad day, he's like fuck that dude, fuck that person. Like dad, they don't know he's so good at all of that. So you know it's. I'm trying to learn from him a little bit, but he definitely gets very like yeah, you're like look, I'll pick up one pom-pom occasion.

ElleciaHost54:43

Right, I'll pick up one.

Dirty LolaGuest54:44

It's going to be black. It's going to be a black pom-pom. I'm like your Wednesday Addams on the cheer squad. That's what you. But you get a little, but I'm there, I'm there, I'm there, yeah.

ElleciaHost55:00

Oh, I love it so much because I really. This is why I do this, because I want people to hear how people really are and not how people want people to think they are. That makes sense. So we want the here's the face of polyamory. We want it to be perfect. It's monogamy plus one or two, or you know, like it's normal, but like no. What's normal is just being people who have emotions and who grew up in a monogamous society and still have all that conditioning that we're constantly unwinding and like and have you know needs and boundaries and insecurities and and it's all fine and normal and human. Can we talk about it and be adults about it and and?

Dirty LolaGuest55:45

let me know, it's okay. Even the, even the young people, right, we've got like a whole generation who's now come up in a time where non monogamy has been very open, so like, and and loud and proud, like we didn't it existed but we didn't have all of this, everything you know where people were talking about it. So you're seeing these people in their twenties who this has been a choice. They made that choice in their teens. They've been, you know, and they're openly talking about it and may all talk about still experiencing jealousy, having problems.

56:18

So, even when you're not fully in the like monogamy machine, it's human nature to want, like somebody, I think, to covet people, you know, or we're like, oh, like I want you to myself even for a moment, and I still have those moments. I still, I don't know, do you do? I try I don't do like you can't take somebody here, but I'm like, could we not talk about you wanting to take somebody here while we're in that place? Like later, sure, but can I have, while we're there, to like tuck it in the back of your head? But I'd be glad to like you know you want to take your partner to this fun place that we went to and I like that.

57:01

He asked. He'll say like hey, would you? And I'm like, oh, yeah, of course I think they would love it there. You know it's if there's not enough places in the world for everything to just be yours, but I like moments to be mine. I want to have a bubble of mine. I don't need it to always be mine, but you know, our time here is mine and yeah, and we make what it is of it, what you want. All right, oh man, that's a beautiful way to do that.

57:31

But I still get those like no, yeah, you have to. Like I will never tell you to not go to a movie the same movie with somebody, right, like I'm not going to do that. But if we go to like some super weird, amazing, like vacation spot, don't I? And it might be great, can we? Let's have it. And then later, if you're like I really would like to take so and so on, like yeah, yeah, of course, but also like I think they would love that, because now it's a separate container, we're outside of that and we have our memories and you're going to go make your own memories. There Are you experienced together.

ElleciaHost58:06

Yeah, yeah. My husband yesterday went and saw Barbie for the third time three different partners and he was like shit, alicia, I haven't seen it with you because I went and saw with another partner. But he had this moment of like oh fuck, have I seen it with all my partners and not my wife? I was like no, I went and saw with my boyfriend.

Dirty LolaGuest58:28

I love that, though. I love the like oh man, have you been waiting for me? Because that's things that we you do. Like I would do that with my ex. We would go see all the Marvel movies together. That was like our thing.

ElleciaHost58:40

Yep.

Dirty LolaGuest58:41

And you know it's like no, that's so silly to. I mean, I get why people are like, oh, this is ours. But I also get if you say like, hey, this is a show that we watch together and I would. I don't want you to, I would like it it could be our show that we watch together, because it's more about the time you're spending and the like. I'm not going to go ahead in the show. I want to like move through this because we're talking about it or whatever. And I get kind of like taking some stuff and I think that's okay. And nominate me to to still have things that you're like are loosely yours. Yeah, you know these, this is going to be your moments. But then I that's where I get comparison.

59:22

I love when my partner I met a more come to town and I get to like, huh, you have to take it. Remember that place we went, that I took you. Okay, you got to take her to that. And like you got to, oh my God. And she's very into books. We call her the book dragon. I love finding bookstores. I write if I pass one, I go in, I get a card, I write it down for, like when she comes to visit. But I love that and I get so happy that she gets to experience stuff that I've experienced with him, that he can now take her, because I'm like busy and I can't be with him or whatever while they're here. But he, she gets to go see this thing, cause usually while we're there I'm like, oh, you know who would, she would love this man. Oh, okay, next time she's got to come in, that I that.

ElleciaHost01:00:07

Oh, I'm like, oh, you have to bring your partner to this. This is so good. Yes, yeah.

Dirty LolaGuest01:00:15

Well, cause those are, those are the things that feel like good, and I and I know, especially when you know your partners partners it's like, oh my God, they would love this, this would be, and I think that's why over time, you, it loosens the reins of like jealousy and like everything has to be mine because you, you're getting to know people and you have love for them, Like I love my metamor. She's one of my best friends and so I'm always thinking about her too, and it's so it feels less, which is, I think, why it's hard with new people, cause I don't know, I'm a Kuri, I don't know.

ElleciaHost01:00:51

Who are you?

Dirty LolaGuest01:00:53

I can make it Right. Yeah, well, you know it's like it's stranger. You're a stranger. Who is this? I'm like a little dog. What are you doing? But then when you get to know people and it's so easy to fall into the oh, my God, you would love this. You've got to take them there. We should all go together, like next time right now, oh, we all got to go to the spa that we went to. They would love this, that's fun.

ElleciaHost01:01:21

I like that. I want to. I want to ask you this because I want to respect your time what, what is something that anyone can do for free to help them approach relationships in a healthier way? For free, yeah, oh, right, right.

Dirty LolaGuest01:01:40

Right down, like Whenever you're having A hard moment. Right down, like what is it, the Well they call it, when it's free form thought. You let your thoughts flow like free form writing. Oh yeah, kind of right down, yeah, but like everything that's in your head.

ElleciaHost01:02:01

Like write it down.

Dirty LolaGuest01:02:03

Just kind of what's going on. Write it down Like all the voices in your head, right, the money paper. Cause I will tell you, when you write down all the crack we say to ourselves and you see it in print, You're like what is this? Some, you know it's it's Because we kind of go into this spiral and I think you quiet the voice when you Give it an outlet, when you keep it inside. You know it's it's Because we kind of go into this spiral and we kind of go into the spiral and we kind of go into the spiral. I think we're going to get an outlet.

01:02:39

When you keep it inside and you're not doing anything with it, it just keeps getting louder and meaner. And when you write things down it makes it easier. But also sometimes you process stuff, oh, or you just get to kind of see, Like I've written stuff down and I'm like, oh, that's the problem. Oh, like that here we are and being able to go back. And I think that it's really important for you to be able to be able to go back to the place where you were and if you have talking points, Just to keep you on track, Cause sometimes you know you veer off and you're going into a whole other territory. But I'll make talking points or like what I want to address. So I don't forget. So I'm like, hey, here's what I've been upset about, here's the things I'd like to address, Like, can we, and we like point by point. Um, you know, you're sitting there sitting down, especially if you've had a fight, and y'all are taking a moment Sitting down and writing out the things you want to talk about.

01:03:42

It doesn't have to be you solving problems, but it's like what is it that I really want to talk about when we talk, because you might forget or you might. You know you're sitting there stewing and more than likely you're coming up with rebuttals, but like it's like, you know, you're just like, um yeah, it's so, yeah, like just taking a moment To write it down and doesn't have to be journaling, you don't have to do a diary, but just Doing, you know, doing a stream of consciousness. Put on some music and just let it go.

ElleciaHost01:04:20

And then go back and read it.

Dirty LolaGuest01:04:21

Just stopping the momentum, yeah, the brain just spinning out on everything and having the whole conversation before there's even somebody sitting in front of you and you're like I'm like I'm gonna go back and do it. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna go back and do it, I'm gonna go back and do it. That I talked to myself out loud Like I, I and I do both sides. I mean, you know, when nobody's home and just the cat is just, you know I'll sit, but it's helpful Cause I'll retort, I would like. That's stupid. Why'd you say that? Like, that's not. You know that's not true, and I try to remind myself that stuff too. If I say something mean I have to retort with the. You know that's not true. That's been a good habit for me and I think that helps cause Telling ourselves the stories. We do it for everything our bodies, relationships, everything.

ElleciaHost01:05:05

So yeah, yeah, I was. I did that the other night in the car. I caught myself just having a whole conversation out loud and I looked around. I was like oh, I never even checked to make sure there was nobody in the car. I like looked in the back seat like wait, are my kids here? Am I just talking to myself?

Dirty LolaGuest01:05:26

I've done that where I started, like hello. Oh okay, I must sound real crazy, right now Listen, you got to have it out with yourself sometimes.

ElleciaHost01:05:41

Okay, Is there? Is there anything that you want to share with the listeners that I haven't asked you?

Dirty LolaGuest01:05:47

I don't know if there Mm, hmm, my, okay, I'm just. I'm just going to say that. I'm just going to say that If you're new, if you're figuring things out, I implore you don't call everything polyamory. Okay, that's my. That's.

01:06:04

One of my biggest pet peeves is that everything Under the non monogamy umbrella gets called polyamory and it's not. I'm not gatekeeping, but not everything is not polyamory. There's so many wonderful ways to be non monogamous and they get glossed over or heaped into polyamory, which they're not. They're not polyamory and so it causes a disconnect because it polyamory is a thing that means something very specific, and so when you're lumping everything in, it's not polyamory. It's going to cause problems in like meeting new people trying to like what you're looking for, right, if you're just kind of doing monogamish and not, and I'm polyamorous, but you're telling me you're polyamorous but really you're monogamous, and that's going to be a thing that might not be cute. So just knowing that non monogamy is the umbrella, polyamory is like a thing under that umbrella. Yeah. And when you're dating, dating is dating. Yeah, it's not.

ElleciaHost01:07:10

Yes, yes, this is what I had someone tell me. He was like I'm polyamorous. And he's like, oh, but I don't think I could, I'm not polyamorous. I was like, if I fell in love with someone, I don't think I could do that. And I was like then that is not polyamorous.

Dirty LolaGuest01:07:26

You're dating. You're dating.

ElleciaHost01:07:27

You're just dating. That's not polyamory.

Dirty LolaGuest01:07:29

You're not committed to anyone the way station no, it was not the way station to getting married to like when you meet the one.

ElleciaHost01:07:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I a lot of people go, oh, I tried polyamory. That wasn't for me.

Dirty LolaGuest01:07:47

I was like I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, or they were swinging Like, but girls is not the same. It is not, and that's right and but probably because you were calling yourself polyamorous and so there's expectations that come with that there's. You know, I, I always tell people they're like, oh well, what is your, all your dating polyamorous? No, no, it's not. It's not polyamorous until I make it polyamorous. It's not polyamorous until I make it polyamorous. It's not polyamorous until I make it polyamorous. If it goes, gets to a point when I want to fold them into my non monogamy, then that will happen. But oftentimes it's just dating, it's just me as a solo poly person. Dating. It's not polyamory until they become a relationship and whatever form that's going to look like, but a relationship within my polyamory. Yeah, yeah, simple, it's two. We're separate tracks.

ElleciaHost01:08:41

I love that. I love that. Okay, I have one last question and this one does not go on. This one does not go on the main episode. This is for a Patreon. Supporters at patreoncom slash not monogamous, and it's called just the tip. Whoa, I love that.

Dirty LolaGuest01:09:10

What is your best or favorite sex tip to share? Thank you so much for coming on the show. This is so much fun. Yeah, thank you for having me. It's a good time. Good time, love it.

ElleciaHost01:09:32

That was dirty Lola's sex tip, just the tip that you can find on patreoncom slash, not monogamous. If you didn't hear it, go check it out. Become a supporter, leave us a review. Like the show. Do all the things that all the podcasts people say to do. It would really help us out. Thanks, bye.