Self-Love, Jealousy, and Somatic Healing in Non-monogamous Relationships, Ep. 68

In the depths of Orit Krug's personal journey, she discovered an unexpected truth about love and relationships. As she bravely embraced polyamory, she unearthed the transformative power of self-love in navigating the complexities of multiple partners. But just when she thought she had it all figured out, a new challenge emerged, leaving her questioning everything she thought she knew. Stay tuned as Orit's emotional narrative unfolds, revealing the unexpected twist that shifted her perspective on love and self-acceptance.

In this episode, you will be able to:

  • Explore the nuances of polyamory and non-monogamous relationships for a deeper understanding of diverse connections.

  • Experience the transformative power of dance movement therapy in healing past traumas and unlocking emotional freedom.

  • Master the art of navigating jealousy in polyamorous relationships to foster trust and emotional resilience.

  • Embrace the importance of self-love in polyamory to enhance personal well-being and strengthen relationship dynamics.

  • Cultivate a healthy connection with your body to promote self-awareness, confidence, and overall wellness.

Orit Krug is an award-winning Board-Certified Dance/Movement Therapist and Licensed Creative Arts Therapist who has helped transform the lives of more than 5,000 clients for the past 13 years. Orit specializes in helping individuals & couples strengthen their relationships by working through past trauma stored in the body. As Orit practices polyamory in her own life, she uses her experience and platform to ensure that partners can safely expand beyond normal boundaries, experience deeply satisfying love, and enhance pleasure without sabotage.

Want to connect with Orit? 

Do you feel like you could use some help with your relationships?
Get on a free call with Ellecia to see how she can help you  move through the challenges of jealousy, fear, anxiety, and insecurities in a way that strengthens your relationships, deepens your trust, and communication, and leaves you feeling confident.
https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chat

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Credits
- Host/Producer: Ellecia Paine
- Editor/Producer: Danny Walters
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Transcript:

Ellecia: 0:14

Hey, I'm Ellecia, your non-monogamous relationship coach. Welcome to the podcast where my friends and I chat about our relationships, enthusiastic non-monogamy polyamory, swinging kink and our lives. You'll get a candid peek into what makes it worth it to live life outside the box. And in case you're still wondering, nope, we're not monogamous. Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to today's episode where I have the pleasure of hosting Orit Krug, a board-certified dance movement therapist, as she shares her personal transformation in the world of polyamory. Orit takes us through her journey from monogamy to embracing a polyamorous identity and offers an enlightening perspective on the importance deep, deep importance of self-love and healing in relationships. In our conversation, Orit will share some emotional hurdles and victories that she encountered, emphasizing how resolving past traumas is absolutely essential for developing healthier, more rewarding relationships. Her story, while unique, really mirrors the complexities of navigating non-monogamous relationships and the broader human experience of seeking self-acceptance. And this episode goes way beyond an individual story. It's a conversation about the courage it takes to venture into new territories of love and connection. And so, as Orit opens up about her experiences, I hope her story will resonate with you, offer some insights and inspiration for your journey of personal growth and relationship exploration. I know it did for me. Be sure to subscribe to our little podcast here for a lot of enlightening discussions like this one. Your reviews and comments are super appreciated. They help us grow and reach other people who might find value in these conversations. So get comfortable and ready to engage with this heartfelt exploration of love loss and the pursuit of self-acceptance in the realm of polyamory. Enjoy, yay, I actually really love that little countdown. It makes me very happy. Yay, awesome, I'm so happy you're here. Do you want to? Okay, really quick, just tell the listeners who you are. Real short, real quick.

Orit: 2:42

Sure, my name is Orit Krug. I am a board-certified dance movement therapist. I help both monogamous and non-monogamous individuals and couples heal trauma from their bodies through my approach, via dance movement therapy. And I am also polyamorous. I'm married and I am a parent to a three-year-old.

Ellecia: 3:09

Yay, thank you. Thank you, I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy to be here. Okay, I'm curious have you always been polyamorous? Is that a new aspect to your relationship? How does that look?

Orit: 3:26

It is new. Yes, we have been. I'll say we've been open for about two years, a little over two years and more so settled into the identity of being poly. A little over a year ago, my husband and I have been together for over 10 years and we talked about being open someday, not really knowing what that was, but just whatever we thought it was 10 years ago. We immediately saw eye to eye and we're like, yeah, we could do that someday. And yeah, we started exploring a little over two years ago. And here we are.

Ellecia: 4:07

Amazing, Amazing. Oh, I'm curious about what. So you were like okay, yeah, we'll have an open relationship at some point. That makes sense. I'm curious how the reality of it now differs from what you guys originally thought it would be.

Orit: 4:28

I don't even know what we thought it would be. I know that we brought it up I don't even remember if it was me or him who brought it up but I, already at the beginning of our relationship, was struggling with a lot of unresolved trauma. So, even though I just something inside of me knew that it felt right to have that as an option down the line, but it was also extremely triggering for me. After that conversation I was like wait, is he already cheating right now? Is he talking to other women? I got really jealous and insecure about things that I made up in my head and I just basically was like we can't talk about this for a while. So I don't even think we got into the conversation of what that would look like. I think we just agreed that it was something that would be healthy and probably a desire that we would have after being together for a long time. But I definitely needed to do a lot of work and a lot of healing before. What was so is like eight years later, where I was like okay, I'm ready to try this.

Ellecia: 5:40

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's super relatable.

Orit: 5:42

It's super relatable.

Ellecia: 5:43

I remember being like I want to be non-monogamous for a whole bunch of really awesome reasons and also that sounds terrible for a whole other host of reasons.

Orit: 5:56

Yeah right. I didn't even go into that. But obviously it came up where I was already like how could he even think about someone else? Even though he mutually talked about it? He wasn't thinking about anyone else specifically, but it was just like I was already so insecure at the beginning of a relationship, so that did not help.

Ellecia: 6:18

Yeah, God, I wonder how many people have that conversation and think they just fell into a trap because one or both partners are feeling insecure and like wait, wait, I thought you loved me. Why would you even think of, why would you say yes to this question I just posed?

Orit: 6:36

I was just seeing yeah, I was just testing you no. Yeah, oh, my God it really plagued me unexpectedly, but yeah.

Ellecia: 6:47

That's amazing, that's amazing.

Orit: 6:49

Yeah, it's great to be here today. Obviously, there are big challenges that we're experiencing as we're going through this journey, but it is great to be here today, pretty stable and regulated and being able to relatively gracefully navigate all of this. Yeah Right, yeah yeah.

Ellecia: 7:15

I was teaching a class the other night on jealousy and I was asked a question about my experiences of jealousy with different partners and I was like, oh my God actually, as like I've always identified as very jealous and possessive and like those were just kind of things that I did and I was like man. In the last year I've felt like very little of that, and even when I have, I was like, oh, I know, I recognize this, I know how to work my way through it, I know how to soothe my system, I know what's coming next. I was like it's just so much easier to deal with. That's amazing.

Orit: 7:49

Oh well, that for you.

Ellecia: 7:52

Yeah, yeah, it's a nice place to be and I'm like, I'm just waiting like something else is going to come up, something else will make me grow a little more.

Orit: 8:01

Well, yeah, of course, but I think we can keep growing, but the sensations that come up in our body, around it, aren't as intense, it doesn't throw us so off track as much. Speaking of jealousy, I think that right now is the first time I'm really allowing myself to explore jealousy and we just had a very we just had a very great opportunity for me to explore it and embrace it. Basically, my husband has a girlfriend that he's pretty seriously been seeing for the last year and I've had moments of admitting to myself that I'm kind of jealous or insecure about it, and when I would bring up some insecurities about it, kind of indirectly, I would be defensive. And yeah, it wasn't like a soft presentation of like oh, I'm feeling insecure, which is I would attack him in kind of an indirect, not super intense way and he would get defensive. And then he'd be like why can't you hold space for me to feel jealous? And I realized a couple of weeks ago well, I'm coming at him defensively, so that's going to dysregulate his nervous system, that co-dysregulation. And that was a really, that was a really wonderful insight, because then we went to this music festival, I think two weeks ago, and the three of us were going to be there, me and his girlfriend and other friends, but it was the first time I was going to be around them in six months and I was like all right. Well, I'm going to. My intention is to acknowledge my jealousy and embrace it with self-love and acceptance and also express it to him with softness, without getting defensive. There's a completely different approach because up until now, or up until then, I was like, yeah, like it's okay to be jealous and I would say all these things to myself and even my clients, but what I was embodying was like it wasn't okay and yeah, we just had a completely different experience. Once I shifted how I will shift in my relationship to my jealousy, which inevitably shifted the way that I presented it to him and the way he held space for me through it.

Ellecia: 10:37

Oh my God. I love that so much. That's so good that I love that. That is the thing, right, because we say, as relationship coaches and teaching people the way we go, you got to talk about it, you got to share what you're feeling, and I think that's the part that gets missed. A lot is like, oh, when you're talking about it, it's not. I feel like shit because you're an asshole. That's not the way to talk about it. You're making me feel bad.

Orit: 11:08

Yeah, I was definitely projecting a lot of like, not that in that way, but just like why aren't you accepting of my jealousy? And really I think this just happened throughout. I think this happens in all relationships. But he was just mirroring my own acceptance of my own jealousy and I think there are partners out there who could see that and put that aside and be like hey I see that you're not really. You know whatever it is, but he, he's just more. Always has mirrored me and if I present defensively, he'll present defensively back. And yeah, it's, it's kind of cool to see your partners as mirrors and that can illuminate how you really feel about your own jealousy or whatever else you might be struggling with on this journey.

Ellecia: 12:00

That's so beautiful, oh my God. I love that. I don't think it's talked about enough the like, the internal sense of shame that comes along with feeling jealous. Like yeah. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm supposed to be better than this. I said yes to this. Why am I behaving this way or feeling this way? Yeah, logic isn't working here.

Orit: 12:22

Well, we're human and we experience a spectrum of emotions all the time, like I'm feeling jealous and insecure, but I'm also really happy and I'm feeling your love. You know, and I think it comes with. You know a little bit of what his approach was. Well, why? Why can't you be more happy for me? And it's like well, I am happy for you, but I'm also struggling with feeling insecure.

Ellecia: 12:45

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah happy for you, sad for me, yeah, oh, I'm curious how did you, how did you recognize that, like, like did something, did something pop out for you or stand out for you, that you were like, oh, this is what's happening. Or was it like a gradual?

Orit: 13:05

He had just come she lives long distance, so he had just come back from visiting her and I asked him a question about the trip and his answer made me feel quite jealous and I got really just like in in us talking about it and reflecting about how that conversation went. I got pretty just like fired up, I wouldn't say aggressive, but just like telling him how he could have responded better to me, and I was like very fiery about it and I just felt I don't know, I just reflected on it and I was like I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I was so intense in the way that I was telling you how I, how you, should respond to me. And then I realized that I since since I had, since this breakup that I experienced almost a year ago, where I was love bombed and gas lit and yeah, those wonderful things I think it created it created a lot of opportunity for me to love myself so much deeper, because there was a period of time where I believed like the blame that this person put on me for our relationship failing and then, turning that around, I'm like like no, I'm not gonna internalize that. And it brought so much more self love for me but also brought this fire in me where I'm like I'm standing up for myself extra firmly. And I think that's just part of recovering from the experience. And it was that in that moment where I'm like I'm really sorry that I was so fiery, like maybe a little too intense about it and attacking you, and I'm like, I think, because I think I had reflected in that moment that with another partner who had said something to me a couple of weeks before that I really didn't like that kind of felt like it could have been gaslighting. I got really intense in how I stood up for myself and I was like just recognizing that pattern and thinking, yeah, there's a time and a place to be more I don't know more fiery and all that, but I want to bring more of my softness back, even in these conflicts and relationships. Yeah, yeah.

Ellecia: 16:39

There's something really powerful about being able to hold yourself well enough to be soft, right To like to show up with like here's the places that are uncomfortable, here's the emotions that I'm experiencing, and deliver it in a soft way because you can hold yourself well enough that you don't need to get spiky.

Orit: 17:05

Yeah, I think a lot of that has to do with how we can navigate those sensations in our bodies, which is, you know, that's where my expertise comes in around. I think a lot of it. Like the way that we feel jealousy or any uncomfortable emotion, it feels really uncomfortable in our bodies. Number one and also number two it can really just regulate the nervous system to the point where we feel, where we don't actually have control over our response in the moment and it actually becomes an impulsive reaction. So I know, for me, like when I have had those jealous feelings, it's like I want to instinctually get rid of them and that's like. That is like coming in, like rising up in my body and like putting it on the other person, like you're doing this or like, yeah, right, and if I If I get out, make it stop. Yeah, if I give myself some time and space to feel those sensations rising up and being with them and moving with them, like what does my body really need in this moment? Is it Self hug, or is it like squeezing my own hands? Or do I need to get up and move? And whatever it is like, a lot of people will freeze in those kinds of intense emotions and I have definitely done a lot of that in the past Like I'll be stuck on my bed or my couch for hours just sulking in the sadness or the fear or whatever it is. So it's really about, like, giving space for ourselves and giving ourselves practice and time to be able to feel those emotions arise, witness them and know how to be in command of, how to move with them. And that's not to say that our partners shouldn't help us or support us or that it shouldn't be a collaborative thing that we both move through. But that part, that's the emotions that are rising in me, that I'm uncomfortable with and want to get rid of as fast as possible, like that's my responsibility to work on.

Ellecia: 19:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. I feel like you know, in the journey of learning how to be with your emotions, I feel like a lot of times when we say, like figure, like, look within, like what is it that you need, what is it that you want, what will help we go to. Our tendency is to go to a cerebral place of, like what do I need? Well, I need my partner to reassure me, or I need these things to happen. But I love that you said, like what does my body need right now? Like, do I need to be warm? Do I need to be cold? Do I need to go for a run? Do I need to do yoga? Like, what kind of movement do I need? Or compression, or yeah.

Orit: 19:58

Yeah, exactly.

Ellecia: 20:01

Cause yeah.

Orit: 20:02

I know, when I work with couples and anyone really, and in my own personal experience, the more but I'll come back to the couples like when they are connected to their bodies and have built a better sense of what their bodies need through different emotions, different situations, they can connect with each other so much more, like in such a more loving, non-defensive space. Cause if you're just regulated and you're feeling things in your body they're like I don't know what to do with it. You could over depend on your partner to try to regulate for you or fix it for you, and it's just so much. It just creates so much more progress and growth and evolution, independently and together. When I can take care of those really intense emotions that rise up first, or at least ask my partner what I might need, because maybe I might need a hug and that's totally valid to you, and then we can connect, Then it's like we're connecting from a place of hey, let's support each other instead of fix this for me.

Ellecia: 21:19

Yeah, yeah, I love that. What would you say has been the biggest challenge of opening up and then moving into polyamory?

Orit: 21:32

Oh, there's definitely been a few.

Ellecia: 21:37

There always are, yeah yeah, yeah, like.

Orit: 21:40

Three main things come up for me. The first one is after we opened up and then we decided hold on. Let me take a step back. When we started to explore separately, it was because I met someone who's still my partner today and I experienced so much unresolved trauma come up through exploring with this partner not my husband, but this other partner. I had so much insecurity, I had so much anxiety about things that I hadn't dealt with since. I don't know college, high school. I didn't even know how to text me back and why isn't he answering me? Just a lot of anxious attachment wounds that I thought I had healed because I was secure with my husband. That yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like no, ori, that's jokes on you, that's what you thought yeah, you still got lots to heal. The anxiety was so intense around it. One because I think it just came full swing and also is dealing with a lot of guilt around having feelings for him, Because at that point my husband and I were like, all right, we can explore separately, but it's going to be basically a physical sexual thing, and I just fell in love with this guy really, really early on and I had so much guilt about that. So the guilt plus the anxiety of this love not being mutual at the time and not reciprocal, it was very. That was my first, biggest challenge. That also inspired me to help more clients in this way of what unresolved trauma and what wounds are being exposed through this journey and also how can you take that as an opportunity to then heal even further.

Ellecia: 23:51

Yeah, yeah, oh, it's all so relatable, right, wow.

Orit: 23:59

Like that was two years, like a little over two years ago, and I would say I'm like 90% secure attachment now, or at least like I know what I need to be secure. There's just been so much healing. I'm just so grateful for this journey. If we never opened up, maybe if I never met this particular man, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to heal all of that and to just be so much more secure today.

Ellecia: 24:33

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm hearing you talk. I'm so impressed with how fast you were moving through that, Because I remember I think Rob and I have been together almost 10 years and I would say it took me a solid like four or five years to like really I mean like really feel a lot more settled. But I also didn't have the skills behind me that I did later on, right, Like I learned so much more. So having the skills that we have now makes it so much easier to build that resiliency and security and everything that you need.

Orit: 25:20

Right, yeah, I think a lot of people do reflect that back to me like, wow, you moved through that really quickly and I do think that is kind of explained in that eight year gap between bringing up this idea of being open and then actually opening up, because I had to do so much healing and so much work on building security and a lot of skills to navigate intense relationship challenges and communicate really well in relationships and I'm not perfect or anything and obviously but I think we just I think I had a really strong foundation in myself Okay, bye, and yet I still. It still was extremely challenging and I took a break from exploring anything for probably like five months or so while while that anxiety was at its most intense. That was the first time in my life I've ever experienced anxiety like that, so weird.

Ellecia: 26:22

I have been I've been telling clients this a lot lately that like opening it up and moving through the challenges that come with all the various forms of nonmonogamy, is like going through a second puberty. It's like big ups and downs and emotions and weird hormonal things happening Our brains, dumping all sorts of cool chemicals and learning how to navigate relationships and communicate in different ways. And it's like going through puberty and starting to date all over again as an adult. It's like a whole big learning curve that we have to go through. Yeah.

Orit: 26:58

All of that, plus the paradigm shift from monogamy to nonmonogamy if that's new for whoever's exploring. I mean that, I think I could say, is another one of my big challenges. I met someone I just referenced a breakup that I had about a year ago and I, you know, I met this person and we just fell deep and and are together and it all fell apart in a few months. But as I reflect back on it and what I learned, and I learned so much but one of the things is it was so new for me at the time because, like I said, we were open but then we actually more so settled into being poly. It was just before I met this guy and I was still very much in a monogamous mindset because I felt so strongly for him and we mutually felt so strongly for each other. It was like my brain was like what do I do? What do I do? I have to pick one and was I didn't consciously think that, not like that, but it was very threatening and I didn't know, I didn't have the, the capacity yet in my heart and my nervous system and my being to hold multiple loves, to hold love for multiple people and be comfortable with that and not have one threatened the other. And because this new partner was giving like, helping me feel things that I wasn't necessarily feeling with my long-term partner. I was like, oh well, does that mean that this person's better for me? You know it's just the shift and I know Jessica Fern talked so much about this and, in poly wise, like the monogamous detox and the paradigm shift is so huge and, yeah, it's something I'm still working on as I am exploring. My third very big challenge is just my husband seriously dating his girlfriend and me having like me, logically knowing that him being in love with her and being highly committed to her doesn't mean doesn't take away from our love and commitment. But my body and nervous system are like my. My abandonment wound is still there. Hello Hi, are you still having abandonment wound? And it's like is he going to leave? It's like I'm, I'm. I'm definitely threatened and insecure about it still, even though in my mind I know you know, he's he's here.

Ellecia: 29:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and, and, and your mind going well, my brain thought well, now what do I do? Do I have to choose? So it's his brain doing that too, yeah, so actually like.

Orit: 29:54

I'm a very like romantic lover and like in the clouds kind of. Yeah, I just want to be like swept off my feet and do that for the people I love. And Aaron, my husband, is more of like a very practical lover and so it's just like. It's like obvious for him. It's just like, yeah, you know, I love her and I love you too, and that's like, that's what it. You know he's. He hasn't got swept away and his feelings he hasn't gone into La La Land like fantasizing. You know what I mean. I asked him just last week at the festival experience when I was explaining how insecure I was still feeling, and I was like, have you ever thought about leaving me? And he was like no, like it was just, it was a very said no right away. And I know he like you know, I know he meant it and because he knows that I thought about those things not seriously, but he knew my, my challenges with being like oh no, what do I do? I love this other person now. He's never felt that way. He's like it's just a, it's just like a mindset for me. I'm like great, I have made a decision.

Ellecia: 31:05

It's fine. Yeah, he's like I'm committed to you, I love you.

Orit: 31:09

This has nothing to do with me and you. That's why we're Polly. I'm like I know.

Ellecia: 31:15

I know those things in my mind, but my body is still catching up. Oh my God, that is so relatable. That's exactly exactly like what we're told, like our whole lives, every story, right, like every love triangle story and movie out there. You have to pick the best one. If you know, like, like, make sure you get a good one, because you only get to make that choice once and then if another one comes along, well, now I have to uproot my whole life and destroy everyone in the world to have this feeling. That's it, just to continue to have this feeling.

Orit: 31:52

Yeah, but you know, so I like I discovered after this experience at the festival where she was there and I had some deep insecurities revealed to me. I was just like why? Well, I don't even know if I thought about why. It just kind of kind of came to me that as a woman, I've been conditioned my entire life to base my worth on a man choosing me and only me. And so when Aaron and I got married, I got this false validation that I am worthy because he has chosen me for life, and only me, and me first. And as we practice non hierarchy I and as he is also choosing another woman, I realized while this insight was bubbling up, that that was, I've been basing a lot of myself worth on him and I being monogamous, that we were monogamous and being each other's one and only. And because that's not true anymore, it has challenged and threatened myself worth and my sense of security, even though I'm so confident and secure in so many, like every other area of my life, it's so deeply rooted that I'm now built like rebuilding what it means to be worthy and secure in, at least in regards to relationships and love. And how do I? Oh, I've always been chronically needing to be the best at everything, as I, you know, my whole life.

Ellecia: 33:40

So I'm not, I'm not his favorite.

Orit: 33:43

I'm not even my other partner's favorite. You know like I'm not the best and it's like that's another thing to work through as well.

Ellecia: 33:52

Yeah like, it's okay, it's on. Like like identity ones.

Orit: 33:56

Yeah, who am I? Yeah, who am I. I'm not the best.

Ellecia: 34:01

The best, the spouse, the chosen, the most special yeah.

Orit: 34:08

And it's like it seems silly. I don't think it's silly at all, but like I think one could think it's pretty silly, but it's so. It's so deeply rooted, like you said, like an identity. Yeah, I guess like an identity crisis. Yeah, yeah, yeah and like who am I?

Ellecia: 34:26

I'm not what I thought I was to them.

Orit: 34:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to aim to be mediocre. That's what I'm going to do.

Ellecia: 34:37

I'm just on average. I'm going to be the best at mediocre.

Orit: 34:42

I didn't say that, but yeah, I am going to be the best at mediocre.

Ellecia: 34:46

That's hilarious. Oh the God, that's so relatable. I know I remember having like, almost like kind of an epiphany. It was one of those things that I had like logically knew, but I was. I was having sex with one of my partners. Same position, same thing that I had done with with another partner. Totally different experience, totally different experience. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to be the best at mediocre, I'm like. It was like mind blowing. It was like it hit me in a way that I was like oh, all those times that my husband said, yeah, I'm doing this with her, but like, it's different than with you, it's not the same, it's not replacing you, it's not better than you, it's like it's different. I was like, yeah, but like, is it though? Like? And then I had this experience where I was like, oh, this is a different person with a different body and a different energy and different circumstances, and like everything about it is different. Unless I were to write down on paper like, I was bent over at 90 degrees like, but like, everything is different.

Orit: 35:50

I was like, oh fuck, we really are unique yeah, and your connection is unique, like the way that you come together and you have chemistry is unique. So even if you were to do the same exact thing, like and follow those instructions, if you have them- here's the map yeah, it would still be a totally different experience and that's like part of the incredible beauty of this lifestyle or this, whatever you might call it it's. I think we get to experience ourselves in different lights with different people and to I just think it's amazing, the yeah, the different, how different connections bring different experiences, even if they do look the same, like right, you're like you're going out to dinner with this partner today and you're going out maybe go out to dinner with your other partner the next day. It's not going to be the same thing, even if you order the same thing. It's like, yeah, it's beautiful the whole whole different experience yeah, I love that.

Ellecia: 36:56

I'm gonna take that with me yeah, I had someone on who described it as how human beings are faceted like diamonds, and every, every person that knows you sees a different facet of you. They see it, they get different angles of you and they get different reflections, and so everyone that knows you knows little different parts of you, and that's.

Orit: 37:19

That's one of the cool things about polyamory or just being just being able to, to engage with the different people is you get to see different parts of yourself, you get in different light and, yes, it's amazing, yeah, and that's one of the most special parts of the journey is getting to know yourself in all these different facets yeah, parts that maybe you haven't gotten to know or you never really got a chance to know, and it's so full, it's so fulfilling and that's why it can also be so triggering. Right, you don't like those. Those different facets aren't only good. Quote unquote good pleasurable. It's like, oh yeah, it's like a darker part of myself that's coming out through this relationship. Yeah, yeah definitely.

Ellecia: 38:08

Uh, okay, I want to ask you what? What would you say, is one thing that anybody can do? That, um, anybody can do for free to improve their relationships or to have better relationships.

Orit: 38:26

I mean I think I said I probably already said it is building a healthier connection with your own body. I can break that down more, but the more that we are connected to our bodies and not stuck up in our heads and over analyzing and ruminating thoughts which can really just make us feel so dysregulated, the more that we understand our own bodies and what we need and how to be with sensations that come up, especially through difficult emotions, the more that we can then gracefully navigate relationship challenges, approach our partners non-defensively, which just creates a space. It's co-regulation. If I'm regulated in relationships, that's going to allow the other people in those relationships to be regulated. And you know, I think the the how depends on where each person is at, like someone who has, who has experienced a lot of trauma, and that trauma is still stored in their bodies, which is research shows that trauma is primarily stored in the body and in the nonverbal brain. That could be a lot harder to connect to your body in a safe and loving way, because you've learned in your life that it's not safe to be in your body, whether you experienced emotional or physical trauma or both. What most people instinctively do is disconnect from their bodies or dissociate in order to survive the pain of trauma. So they feel less, they numb or, yeah, disconnect, and even after the trauma is long gone, those coping mechanisms are still very much in play, and so that is kind of an obvious thing. If you don't feel as much in your own body, yeah, might help you not feel so much pain, potential pain, but you're going to feel less pleasure too and you're probably going to have some blocks around love and intimacy because it may not feel safe. So, becoming more intimate with your own body, getting to know your own body, I think there are little, you know. There are little things that I like to suggest for people to try to do, and one thing, for example, is when you're, when you're walking around your home or walking around wherever, you can play with the speed of your walk. You know you can intentionally go really, really slow maybe maybe then intentionally move a little bit faster and just kind of explore and play. I know it sounds really simple and that's the point because I want to help people start in a simple and safe hopefully safe way. But even in session, when I have people explore moving at different speeds, moving really slowly often feels really uncomfortable, like it's not safe to slow down in my body and usually slowing down means I'm going to feel more. Most people are moving so fast in life that they don't feel they don't stop and feel it's a defense mechanism a lot of times and it's also our culture.

Ellecia: 42:02

But um, so I always run into the counter.

Orit: 42:10

One thing that I do with all of my clients when we start working together is I have them come up with a safety movement. So I have, like we all, we all I'm saying this as it's like working in a group we all take a breath in and then, on the out breath, I invite them to allow their bodies to come into a position that feels supportive to them in the moment and just like, let it happen, if you could do this right now without thinking about it. And for me, one one hand went to my heart, one hand went to my, my stomach, and this feels supportive to me right now and I can just play with that being a safety movement wherever I go. So if I am going on a date tonight with someone new and it makes me a little bit nervous, and we're talking at dinner and I start to feel anxious or ungrounded, I can just bring that movement back. I can put my hand on my heart, my other hand on my stomach. It's like, oh yeah, it's like a grounding tool. So even just having experiences of being there for yourself in your body, like that, in such a simple way, can start that harmonious relationship between yourself and your body and your mind and your body, really, really yeah, that's beautiful, I love that, that's so good, that's so good, thank you.

Ellecia: 43:35

Thank you, um. Is there anything that I haven't asked you that you want to share with the listeners?

Orit: 43:41

hmm, that's a good question. Um, I don't think so. I wanted to. I don't know. We were going to probably do this at the end but I did want to mention my poly retreat that I'm running with. Yeah, yeah, I'm co-hosting a poly retreat with Deteker Winston, who's the co-host of multi-amory. We're running this retreat in April of this year, 2024, in Costa Rica and it's yeah, it's completely a somatic approach to working through the challenges of non-monogamy, including jealousy, and making that paradigm shift from monogamy to non-monogamy, all the things we've been talking about for, especially for people who do consume a lot of information and even have been in a lot of therapy and understand and have like I know this logically, but my body maybe isn't lined up or isn't on board yet and wants to have that experience of working through the wounds or the traumas in their bodies to be able to show up more, more softened, still firm in relationships, to become closer to your partners without a lot of that defensiveness getting in the way, and to really integrate mind and body. That's, you know, my specialty, obviously, as I've been talking about, and also Deteker is a somatic experience experiencing practitioner, where we're going to really help people build that safe, loving relationship with their bodies that they can have deeper, healthier relationships with themselves and their partners.

Ellecia: 45:26

Yeah, I love that so much. I also. Costa Rica sounds amazing. That is where I would like to be, Well you're mine, thank you, thank you, okay, I have one more question for you, and this one doesn't go on the main show. It is for our Patreon subscribers at patreoncom. Slash, not monogamous, and it's the segment's called Just the Tip and it's what is your, what is a favorite or best sex tip that you could give them? Yeah, yeah, gosh, I think my I love all the answers that I get. I think my Patreon subscribers are probably going to be the best lovers ever with all the tips that they get. They're so juicy, I know right, I'm so happy for them. Thank you so much for coming on. This was lovely. Thank you for being here and for sharing so openly and vulnerably. It's really wonderful and I appreciate it.

Orit: 46:38

Thank you for creating the space, for making it easy to do so. Yeah, it's just, I love talking to you, it's so easy and you're very supportive and, yeah, I appreciate your energy.

Ellecia: 46:52

Thank you. And that was a reek Krug with her lovely Just the Tip segment. If you're curious about that and you want more, there's a whole world of exclusive content waiting for you. By becoming a Patreon supporter, you can access all the behind the scenes goodies and bonus content that we reserve for our special community. So don't miss out on these extra nuggets of wisdom and the deep dives into the topics that we're all loving. Visit www.patreon.com/notmonogamous and join us it's not just a subscription, it's your past to a more intimate and enriching experience with our podcast and our incredible guests. Like or eat Krug. Thanks for listening today. Bye.

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