Finding Balance in an Unconventional BDSM Triad, Ep. 64

Curious about unconventional triad relationships and BDSM dynamics?

In this episode, we explore Hannah's journey from swinging to polyamory, the challenges of managing multiple partners, and the significance of setting boundaries and valuing personal time. Discover how Hannah copes with the demands of balancing two partners, work, family, and personal time, and the importance they place on clear hierarchy and boundaries within their unconventional triad setup with a BDSM dynamic. We also discuss the emotional impact, self-discovery, and constant learning within non-monogamous relationships. Delve into a candid conversation that emphasizes the ongoing nature of this journey, the rewarding moments, and the transformative power of non-monogamy on personal growth and self-discovery.

Hannah is an Empowerment & Relationship coach, delighting in the fringes of traditional society. Bisexual, Non-monogamous & kinky, she brings the topic of sexuality and taboo out into the light, to help others shift societal shame and live as their true selves. Hannah is a published author and hosts her own podcast "Kinky & Unpopular" which follows her BDSM journey alongside her partner and her submissive, in their triad type dynamic.

💨 TLDR;

• Embrace the freedom of non-monogamous relationships and polyamory to explore deeper connections and personal growth.

• Establish clear boundaries and prioritize personal time to foster healthy and fulfilling relationships within a non-traditional dynamic.

• Overcome the challenges of managing multiple partners by navigating communication and individual needs with compassion and understanding.

• Create a strong foundation for an unconventional triad setup with BDSM dynamics, fostering trust, intimacy, and mutual respect.

• Cultivate the importance of open and honest communication to strengthen connections and promote emotional well-being in non-traditional relationships.

Want to connect with Hannah?
https://desilvacoaching.com

Do you feel like you could use some help with your relationships? 
Get on a free call with Ellecia to see how she can help you  move through the challenges of jealousy, fear, anxiety, and insecurities in a way that strengthens your relationships, deepens your trust, and communication, and leaves you feeling confident. 
https://elleciapaine.podia.com/clarity-chat

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Credits
- Host/Producer: Ellecia Paine
- Editor/Producer: Danny Walters
- Hosted on Buzzsprout

Transcript:

00:00:00 - Speaker A
Button. Yes.

00:00:03 - Speaker B
I've mastered the Tech.

00:00:07 - Speaker A
50Th episode, like, over 50 episodes. I'd like to think you know where it is by now.

00:00:12 - Speaker B
I pretty much have it down, but I still hang up on people. Like, when we get done recording, instead of hitting stop, hit the big red end button. And then I'm like, oh, crap, I just hung up on them.

00:00:25 - Speaker A
It then just type a message back. So sorry. Bye.

00:00:29 - Speaker B
Sorry, talk to you later. Got to go.

00:00:33 - Speaker A
It's like mic drop.

00:00:37 - Speaker B
Totally. But I am excited that you're here.

00:00:42 - Speaker A
Thanks. I'm excited to be here as well. Super excited.

00:00:48 - Speaker B
So before I hit record, we were talking about that you have a lot of exciting things going on, and I was like, oh my God, I got to hit record. So do you want to tell me a couple of those exciting things again? Like, as if you hadn't just told me.

00:01:02 - Speaker A
Okay, we'll pretend like we have no idea what I'm about to say in the space of about three weeks. So if I split it into two separate weeks so within one week, I got divorced from my ex, I got engaged, and I had my 30th birthday. And then two weeks after that, I had a press release in a national magazine talking about swinging. I then had a book that I co authored, be published, which is now an Amazon number one bestseller. Also talking about non monogamy and swinging and just bits and pieces from my life. And then I've also just launched my podcast, which is about BDSM.

00:01:49 - Speaker B
Did you launch that, like, today? Yesterday.

00:01:52 - Speaker A
Literally yesterday? Yeah, I recorded it the day before and then I launched it yesterday.

00:01:59 - Speaker B
Congratulations.

00:02:01 - Speaker A
Thank you. It's been on my to do list for about a year that I finally did it.

00:02:06 - Speaker B
No time. Like now when everything going on exactly.

00:02:10 - Speaker A
It seems like the perfect time. I've got the motivation to do stuff. I'll just ride that wave out. It can't go wrong. If it does, I can just kind of sweep it under the carpet and just focus on all the other good things. It's all good.

00:02:21 - Speaker B
I also love the title of your podcast.

00:02:25 - Speaker A
Do you want to? Thank you. Kinky and unpopular.

00:02:29 - Speaker B
I love it.

00:02:31 - Speaker A
I was inspired. So for the people that don't understand the kind of joke behind that as well, there's a Fetish website called FetLife and they have a kind of Explore section called Kinky and Popular. So I kind of stole that and turned it around a little bit just because I nearly forgot the title. Actually, I came up with it a few months ago, and then we recorded the episode. We were about to post it and we're like, what was the title I was going to use? It was really good and it took us about an hour to remember what it was, but we got there in the end and it was worth it. I hope.

00:03:10 - Speaker B
That's amazing. That's amazing. Okay, I am curious. Obviously I talk a lot about non monogamy on no, we're not monogamous. So I'm curious about your relationship style, structure, preference, what's your relationship philosophy?

00:03:37 - Speaker A
So I would say it's changed. I definitely went through a Nick's kind of exploration phase. So I'd say my kind of a background thing. I think I started swinging when I was about 19, when I was with my ex. And so I was kind of engaged, married at the time. And so, yeah, that was our way of kind of exploring the non monogamous side. And then when things ended with him and I moved on, I basically knew that I wanted to be polyamorous. I was just like, this is something that I need in my life, this is something that I have to explore. I want the freedom to have those connections, to not be kind of tied down in a relationship, to have that space to be me and not have to hold back parts of myself. Not to kind of have this awkward thing where you can't really connect with people fully because you're worried about what your partner is going to think or you're worried about crossing these boundaries and just all of that. It didn't feel good. I didn't like feeling trapped. So I started exploring and yeah, I was in a poly relationship for about four years with someone and then during that time I met my partner now, so I was kind of dating two guys at the same time and that was difficult. That was my first kind of proper experience of polyamory. And yeah, that was tough. Trying to find the balance between my kind of primary partner at the time while seeing my new partner, having time by myself, working family, et cetera. It was like, wow, let's get a little rotor going. But yeah, it was intense. Loads of feelings, obviously, tons of emotions coming up, jealousy, all of the usual things you'd expect. Yeah, lots of difficult moments, definitely. But I think that time was probably the thing that I struggled with the most, was finding that balance between myself.

00:05:48 - Speaker B
Like the time management piece.

00:05:51 - Speaker A
Yeah, definitely. I had just got to a point where I had started living in my own flat the first place I'd lived by myself, and I was probably 26, 27 at that point. So I'd never lived alone and it was kind of my space, my time. I was just starting to get used to having that time and really valuing me time and then throwing two partners in friends, work, family life. I was like, oh God. Plus being an introvert and just loving being at home alone a lot of the time I was like, this is not a good place for me to be with two people that I'm trying to balance and everything else. And it's like, yeah, a little bit tough, but it works, we made it work.

00:06:37 - Speaker B
Yeah. If you could go back and give that Hannah advice about how to manage that, what would you tell her?

00:06:52 - Speaker A
I don't really know. I don't think there's any advice I could give myself to make it work better. I think at that point, I'd probably got to a point where I was being very firm with what I wanted, and I'd kind of almost gone into this kind of no fucks attitude where I was like, okay, well, this is my space. This is my time. I invite you into my time. It was a very conscious choice. I'd kind of got past this phase of always being with people and always doing what other people wanted because it was expected. And I was like, no, I'm liking my space. Do you want to meet up? Do you want to go do something? No, I'm going to stay at home. What are you going to do? I have no idea. Watch film, eat chocolate? I have no idea. But I'm having me time, and I just stuck with that. And I think it was a bit of a challenge to start with, but it was needed, so, yeah, I think I wouldn't necessarily change anything. I wouldn't necessarily have anything that I would give myself advice wise. But that was probably the biggest thing that helped me do that was just that real. No, this is my space, my time. I invite you into this. It's a conscious choice. Every single time I do not want to spend that time with you. I will quite happily say that, like, no, I'm good by myself. Let's arrange it for another day, or even just last minute things as well. We'd arrange many plans, and I'm really not feeling it today. Just like okay. Cool. Reschedule for another day. And I was lucky that both of them were very kind of understanding of that and really can't think of the word, but they just really have that space for me to kind of just be like, no, I'm doing my own thing. So that was probably what I would advise other people to do if they're in a similar situation is to really have those boundaries in place and really fill them and feel unapologetic about saying, I want to spend time by myself. Because that is such a great skill that I think so many people don't pick up quick enough, especially with multiple partners.

00:09:01 - Speaker B
If I had known that by the time I was 30, holy shit, my life would be different.

00:09:05 - Speaker A
Yeah.

00:09:08 - Speaker B
So different.

00:09:11 - Speaker A
It is good. It doesn't always work in every situation. I struggle more with that now than I did back then. But I think that's because I'm living with a partner, I'm living with two, and it's trying to find that balance is like, yeah, it's more difficult when you don't have space to escape to. So I've kind of got to go outside the house and go to a coffee shop and spend time by myself and that's great. But then for me personally, especially the beginning of this kind of dynamic, dealing with the spaces of jealousy in that as well. Like me leaving the house, going to get coffee, and in the back of my head, just that little voice being like, they're together. What are they doing? Just being like, I'm trying to relax here. Leave me alone. So that's been more difficult, but in a very different way. But that in itself has been a journey.

00:10:09 - Speaker B
Yeah. So there's three of you that live.

00:10:13 - Speaker A
So my partner Zach and I are engaged, so male partner. And then together we own a BDSM slave as well. So a submissive partner. So it's kind of like a triad set up, but also not because the BDSM dynamic means that it's not a kind of traditional romantic relationship. We do not see her as a girlfriend. She is not a romantic partner. But she is still part of our family. She is still part of our kind of unit. So it's a bit unusual, but it's still got the same challenges that kind of the traditional triad would have. And it's just a nightmare. Easier in some ways more difficult than others, I imagine.

00:10:58 - Speaker B
Wow, okay. That is fascinating. And my head is I've got so many questions because I imagine so I also have a triad where we live together, engaging in the BDSM portion of that, right?

00:11:19 - Speaker A
Yes.

00:11:20 - Speaker B
And so I'm curious about I imagine it's a lot easier to create boundaries and agreements.

00:11:29 - Speaker A
Yes. In terms of hierarchy, obviously, that is set in stone, and that is very clear. And it works really well for us because her place being kind of the non primary is exactly what she wants. She does not want to be a primary. She does not want to encroach on our relationship. She is the separate entity, yet still within our bubble. So in terms of that kind of issue that I think a lot of couples have in terms of like, okay, you've got to balance the time between partners. You've got to make it equal and fair. We don't have that problem because that doesn't even come into play. So in that respect, it becomes a lot easier to deal with. It's kind of like there is absolutely nothing wrong with us being like, we want a night to ourselves. Go into the other room. She's like, yes. Cool. Have fun. So that aspect makes it so much.

00:12:23 - Speaker B
Easier, and yet the jealousy still comes up.

00:12:26 - Speaker A
Oh, yeah. Massively.

00:12:31 - Speaker B
What is that? Wow. Okay. I shouldn't be surprised because I'm notoriously jealous and all of the different ways I've tried to combat it by circumstance haven't worked. The only things have been like my own internal shit.

00:12:50 - Speaker A
Yeah.

00:12:53 - Speaker B
But I love that. So I'm curious, do you guys have a plan in place for if that dynamic no longer works for her?

00:13:03 - Speaker A
So it's something so we've been in the dynamic now for coming up to a year, so it's been a good amount of time. We're kind of still going through challenges, definitely, but it's more kind of balanced out now to a natural rhythm. And honestly, it's not on any of our radars for that not to happen. But yeah, just the nature of the BDSN dynamic it would be if that did come to an end completely, we would probably lose contact, probably for at least a set period of time. Just no contact. Just the way that she kind of works in those dynamics. It's very much an all in. So yeah, it would be tough if that happened. It's not something that we've necessarily talked about because it's nowhere near as kind of we'd probably know a year in advance whether that was likely to happen. So we'd kind of have that time to plan it and transition and figure all the details out, but yeah, probably not likely to happen. It's not planning to anyway.

00:14:06 - Speaker B
Yeah, right. Nobody plans on that. I don't know. I guess some people do.

00:14:13 - Speaker A
Skate plans. Right.

00:14:17 - Speaker B
I'm curious, do you feel like polyamory is a toy or an identity?

00:14:29 - Speaker A
My my gut feeling says identity. I would say that it is a part of my identity. I think it can be a choice as well, though, because I think as with any identity, you could choose not to live by that identity. So in a sense, it's a little bit of both for me, I have chosen to live as that that is what works for me, that is what I want from my life, and I've kind of chosen to bring that in. So, yeah, I'd like to say that it's an identity, but I think in the way that the society is at the moment, it's probably more of a choice that people have to make because it's not a choice that we get given. Monogamy is still a default, and anything outside of that is seen as something different. Hopefully one day that won't be the same and then it can be an identity and it won't even be this big thing anymore. People can just do what they want, right?

00:15:29 - Speaker B
That's what we're doing, right?

00:15:31 - Speaker A
Yeah, we're trying.

00:15:36 - Speaker B
Yeah. I find, like, the more I dig into it, the more I can look back and go, oh, it was definitely always there.

00:15:43 - Speaker A
Definitely 100%. Yeah, I'm bisexual as well, save the kind of female partner aspect. And that's been a part of who I am since I was probably like eight, I think really young. I knew that I was attracted to women and that's just never shifted for me. That was definitely part of my identity. I think I've always gone through this thing of just, like, the idea of monogamy. I enjoyed it. I think I kind of liked it as a way of, oh, this is what we're meant to do. The whole kind of relationship escalator thing. It was this prize to be won. This like, I'm successful at life because I found this thing, I've done the thing. And it wasn't until I did that I got it out of the way early, did the whole marriage thing, had a child who was great, but then kind of was like, yeah, this way doesn't work. Okay? Yeah, I've tried it. This doesn't work for me. I need something else. And I've kind of just weaved in a few different things and ended up where I am now. And I don't know if I'll stay the same. I don't know if things will kind of shift and change more, but I just know that fluid kind of movement in my life is definitely what I need. In some aspects, I do not do well with the feeling of being trapped. It just doesn't feel good. I feel like I'm repressing part of who I am.

00:17:07 - Speaker B
Totally relatable. Yeah, no, don't want to do that. Yeah. I was very similarly, like, monogamous for a long time, had kids, did the whole thing, got divorced and was like, It's not for me.

00:17:18 - Speaker A
Yeah, I want to do something else.

00:17:20 - Speaker B
And now how do I get my nervous system on board with that?

00:17:24 - Speaker A
Yeah. A lot of unprogramming to do.

00:17:30 - Speaker B
Yeah. What would you say has been like, besides the time management? What's been the hardest part of that?

00:17:38 - Speaker A
Probably the jealousy. Definitely the emotional impact of it. I think it's the getting on board your brain and your body, because my thoughts, what I want to happen, what logically, I know I want and I agree with, and I'm like, this is correct. My brain is like, I'm safe here. I do not have to be threatened by this other person in my life. This is fine. This is a good thing. I can see all of that. Logically, I understand everything. And then still, internally, I'm like, oh, my God, what's happening? It's just like, Will you just stop? Just chill. And it's like they don't talk to each other. I've got one just being like, Calm down. Just relax. It's all good. And the other part of me has just been like, no, it's not. No, it's not. Danger. Run, run. Be sad, be angry. Be all of the emotions. Just like, okay, well, let's go and sit in the corner for five minutes and just wait till you calm down, and then we'll try again. And that's usually what happens. And then things are usually okay. But yeah, definitely the biggest challenge.

00:18:48 - Speaker B
Yes, same still. I've been nominated for ten years, and it's like, My God, really? Are we still doing this?

00:18:59 - Speaker A
Yeah. I went through this way. I know I've had that. Not quite ten years of it, but I had that. I think the last year has been difficult. We've had loads of challenges to overcome and just various things, and I went through kind of at the beginning of everything, I was like, Cool. This is great. This is fine. Everything was good and genuinely felt that genuinely felt really kind of secure and everything and everything was just great. And we were just working way through nice and slow and everything was beautiful. And then a couple of things happened that kind of completely just shook everything up, and we ended up having to kind of they were both like, okay, let's just slow down because we don't need to like Rush says, no need for that. We can go at your pace. And I was like, But I don't want to go at my pace because as soon as you give me the control, I am not going to want to give that up. And we got to a point where we kind of all agreed that there would be kind of boundaries and limitations on what was happening, their interactions and all of this stuff. And it did help to an extent. And I knew this from kind of past experience and just knowing what I'm like in general, I knew that that would be really hard to shift out of because I'm like, what all you're doing right now is giving the really insecure part of me the control. That is not the best thing for me. It feels safer, but one, they're still insecure, and now you're giving them control of the situation, and then eventually you're going to want that back, and that's not helpful. That is not going to long term. That is not pushing us towards our goal. So we kind of did that for a little bit time, really mindful of that process and kind of being really conscious and trying to kind of figure out the best way to find that balance and then eventually got to a point where I was like, okay, all limits are off. All boundaries are off. Like, I'm trusting you. Let's have some evidence that things are fine. My nervous system is good. Had some really good weeks where I was like, I do not feel jealous. I have no issues. I'm feeling great about this. I can go out. I can enjoy myself. I can come back. I can feel like I'm not walking into something and becoming a burden on their time. Like, all of these things that you can kind of can come up in these situations. And then like four weeks ago, just out of the blue, it comes up again, and I'm like, Why is this here? It's like, I thought I dealt with this, I was doing so well, and yeah, just one of those waves, isn't it? Something happens that insecurity, pops its head back up, and you're like, you haven't gone, you're still here.

00:21:38 - Speaker B
It's like playing Whack a Mole. Yeah, I got that one yet. There's another one.

00:21:45 - Speaker A
Yes. It's great fun. People should definitely try it.

00:21:52 - Speaker B
I mean, I promote it every day.

00:21:55 - Speaker A
Me too. There you go. There must be something worth.

00:22:00 - Speaker B
You should do it.

00:22:01 - Speaker A
Yeah, it's totally worth it, though, when those good times hit absolutely amazing. But yeah, it is definitely difficult. I won't lie to anybody. I think most non monogamous people I speak to, they have the same thing. When they speak to somebody who's monogamous, it's usually like, wow, that's intriguing how'd you deal with that. Or it's a I couldn't deal with that. It's like, yeah, me neither. Yeah. And I'm still trying and here we are.

00:22:30 - Speaker B
It's like parenting. This is really hard. I'm still doing it.

00:22:34 - Speaker A
Yeah. Like, one day it'll feel like it's been worth it.

00:22:40 - Speaker B
This is really rewarding.

00:22:43 - Speaker A
Everyone lied. Yeah, there are good times. There are definitely good times. Good moments. Amazing moments. But yeah, they do come at a cost of difficulty, but that in itself, I think is great. The insecurities that I've been dealing with are root cause. Yes, they are based around relationships, but mostly they're based around my view of myself, my self worth, and everything to do with just who I am and all of my fears. And it's brought it all up into the light, and it's just like, let's just shine a massive big light on all of the little nooks and crannies of myself that I try to ignore and I try to repress and I try to hide because I do not like them. And it's like, let's shine a big light on them and let's deal with them. Let's make them feel safe. And I've got two people that are like, yeah, let's deal with this. We will make you feel safe with this. We will seal these pieces and we will still love you and we will still be here. And that is something that I don't think would have happened in such a way if I was still monogamous. I wouldn't have got that same depth because I think a lot of those pieces would only be able to come up to the light in a situation where I'm being triggered so much.

00:24:08 - Speaker B
Yeah.

00:24:09 - Speaker A
So it's like a blessing and a curse.

00:24:12 - Speaker B
Yeah, absolutely. I'm curious, can you explain how do you figure out what those pieces are and what they need?

00:24:33 - Speaker A
So I think a lot of it is a good chunk of the foundation has been from my previous relationship and going through that process and knowing myself. And I was doing that at the same time that I was doing the Vita coaching training. So spending like two years doing all of these practices, embodiment practices, all of this stuff. And that really helped. And it's kind of one of those things that as I was going through that I didn't necessarily notice what I was picking up and all of these things that I was learning. And it wasn't until I kind of looked back and I was like, wow, actually, I know myself pretty well. I've uncovered a lot of stuff here going to sneeze. I can feel it coming. So I think, yeah, a lot of that was knowledge of a similar situation where I knew I was going to react in a certain way. I kind of understood myself enough to know what those triggers were. Part of it as well was from a previous kinder poly relationship. It's literally right at the tip of my nose every time I start speaking, stare into the light sun in my eye. So I had a previous kind of poly relationship type thing and it really, really challenged my insecurities. And I had one side really supportive, other side not at all or not in the way that I needed it, not in the way that was beneficial. So having that contrast as well, I think because I went through a situation where I didn't get what I wanted and I could identify that what was being presented to me wasn't matching what I actually needed. Then when I was in a different situation, I kind of had that understanding of like, well, I know that this does not work, so let's not do that again. And then through that it's kind of almost like a process of elimination to figure out what did work. And I think that's probably the key thing has been, I think this will work. Okay, let's try it. Okay, this part of this didn't work, but this part I think is good. Can we focus on there? And then it's almost like this little branch that you just narrow it down and just split off each side as you find bits that do work and don't work. And then you kind of just end up being like, oh, okay, here's a solution. This is a good thing. And then things change and they throw out the window and have to start again. But nature of it, that's what I.

00:27:13 - Speaker B
Tell people all the time. I'm like, it's all experiments. You have to try things. You have to have experiences. You have to have time. There's no blueprint that you can follow and be like, well, this is how you do it. And this is how you just have a great non monogamous relationship that nobody ever feels anything negative ever. It's just not possible. So you have to do things to figure out what works for you. And then you add more people and you're like, okay, now we got to start over. How do these people need me to behave? How do I need them to behave?

00:27:45 - Speaker A
Yeah. And all of those kind of the external changes as well. So all of the people on the outskirts of your internal bubble with your kind of direct partners, changes happen there and it ripples through and it's like so many constant adjustments. It is, it is kind of that thing of, okay, monogamous couple, a little bit of back and forth, that's easy enough. Maybe some outturn kind of external influence, but mostly it's okay polyamorous. Okay, you your partner, maybe another partner, maybe they have another partner. So there's four of you, okay. And then you navigate that and that within itself has so many multiple layers and then somebody else appears and it's like, okay, readjust again. It just can constant. It can be like infinite. Obviously the waves lower and I think they get smaller depending how far out from the kind of the center point they go. But it can still have that chain effect which just makes things complicated. But it's half the fun.

00:28:51 - Speaker B
I think I love it. Yeah, I love it totally. And I can picture or I can imagine right now in my head, I'm imagining people going, oh my God, that sounds like way too much. I don't want anybody to ever impact my life. And I'm like whether sleeping with them or not or dating them or not, people impact your life just going to happen. Jobs, kids, I don't know, houses, all the thing, friends. You're just picking and choosing what's going to influence it.

00:29:20 - Speaker A
Yeah. And it's being open as well. I think the biggest lesson there's a lot of people I've spoken to about being polyamorous and they've been interested about my reasons for doing it because I think whilst a lot of people have very similar reasons, they've also kind of got their own individual reasons for it. And it was kind of like, okay, so you do it so you can have the freedom, so you can go and do what you want. And all of this I'm like, yes. But no, the freedom is nice to have. It's nice to have the space to explore that. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to or that I need to at a point in time. It's just having that there. The way I've explained it is kind of like most monogamous people are happy to be locked in a room. Some people are happy to be in a room where the door is unlocked and they can kind of go in and out every now and then swinging or open relationships. It's just like some people like to have the door completely open so they can kind of wander in and out a little bit easier. Some people don't like being in the fucking room. They just want to be in the open space and they want to enjoy everything and just let things flip past and be able to see things and appreciate them. And it's kind of is that it's that openness that I really love and for me specifically, how that overlaps with the BDSM as well is surrender. Like surrendering to how these other people come into my life, how they go out of my life, how they impact me, how I impact them. Just really kind of trying to let go of any control over that and just going with the flow and just letting things happen as they happen.

00:31:07 - Speaker B
I love and hate surrender all at the same time.

00:31:12 - Speaker A
Yeah.

00:31:15 - Speaker B
Go with the flow and let go. Wait, I need control.

00:31:19 - Speaker A
Yeah, but that's why it's the best. Thing to do. The things that you hate the most are usually the things that you need to do the most. That is probably the biggest thing that I've learned from kind of doing all of the coaching and training. That's pretty much my key thing that I have to remember is like, if there's a practice or something that I'm meant to be doing and I'm like, I do not want to do this, I'm like it's probably because that is the thing that I need to do the most. Resistance, that lesson.

00:31:47 - Speaker B
Yeah, I haven't done that one yet.

00:31:50 - Speaker A
I didn't say I did it. I'm just aware of I think it's.

00:31:54 - Speaker B
For sure like, oh, that's what I should be doing.

00:31:57 - Speaker A
Just ignore that. Yeah, that's a tomorrow job. Right now I'm dealing with this other thing.

00:32:06 - Speaker B
Very important. Very important.

00:32:08 - Speaker A
Very.

00:32:11 - Speaker B
That's amazing. Okay, tell me about the.

00:32:17 - Speaker A
Exciting exciting and scary all in one. Yeah, it was posted on a Facebook group looking for people to join it. And I think this is the fourth book in the series. So it's usually around 20 people that kind of come in, share their stories around different parts of life. So I know that one of the other books was around kind of Identity and Self Love and things like that. The one I'm in is sex, love and relationship. So it's kind of split into three parts and yeah, I saw this post on Facebook one day looking for people to kind of come and join this and share this story. And I was like, Hell, nobody wants to listen to that. And that's way too scary for me to go and write a book about myself and really expose myself publicly like that. I was like, I just can't do that. And then a few months go by and it pops back up again and they're like, we're really looking for people that have alternative lifestyles that are queer, non monogamous, anything like this. We need more variety. We need more stories. And I was like, okay, yeah, that's me. And I was like, Fuck it, I'll apply. I'll just apply and I'll see. So I just put it in. I was like, well, I'm bisexual. I'm non monogamous. I'm kinky. Here's my layout of my life at the moment. Is that interesting enough? And within 20 minutes, the lady who runs its reading came back, was like, I love it. Yeah, come join us. And I was like, oh, crap. Signed up for it, now I got to do this. Yeah. And I was like, okay, well, I've signed up for it, now I can't go back. And yeah, I started writing. We got about 3000 words, I think it was roughly it's kind of we get, like, obviously a little chapter each, 20 people. It obviously makes up a quite nice size book. And I just sat down and I just kind of started writing. And I did it in two parts, and I actually did the this is kind of all part of the story that I share in there as well, but I kind of do a little bit of background, kind of. Talk about my experiences swinging with my ex and kind of just where I started off as a teenager and where my view of relationship started and what it kind of grew into. And then about halfway through, my ex, who I had kind of entered BDSM and polyamory with, he died really unexpectedly, completely out of the blue, literally midway through me writing this book.

00:34:51 - Speaker B
I'm really sorry to hear that.

00:34:53 - Speaker A
Yeah, it was tough. It was strange. We didn't have much contact anymore. He kind of was moved on and really happy and yeah, it was weird. Like he'd already been mentioned the book. He was a big part of this story and he was kind of my entry point into this. He was there at the turning point and played a very big part in me being where I am today. So I kind of got halfway through and I was about to move on to my current day and I kind of stopped and went back and I was like, okay, now I've got to write this in, put this emotion in, be vulnerable, share this as part of my story because it is part of my story. So I kind of reflected a little bit and it was good because it allowed me space to reflect on that relationship by itself, the lessons I'd learned, the things that I'd done. And yeah, I kind of put a little bit more in about that and then towards the end, I kind of moved on to my present day, kind of skimmed over that a little bit more and was a little bit quicker. But yeah, it was a great experience. It's got so many weird and wonderful little stories in it. I like to think of a little bit biased, but it's got a nice flow to it and leave on a little bit of hopefully wanting people to know more, which is also partly why I started the podcast because most people hear about my situation now and then they're just like, I'm sorry, you're what? It's like, yeah, I don't have time to go over this right now, but let me just record stuff and you can listen to it when you're ready because that'll be way easier. Yeah, so it came out a couple of days ago and yeah, all of the proceeds are being raised for the Hopeful Handbags charity as well, which is domestic abuse victims, which is obviously an amazing cause as well. So, yeah, I was really excited to do it and I'm now being told by multiple people that I need to start writing stories and kind of doing a bigger or working on like a bigger autobiography. So my plan is to maybe start writing down some stuff now and then, maybe just every year or so. Just do like a little chapter, like long, long term project, maybe like ten years of publishing project.

00:37:16 - Speaker B
I'm excited. I downloaded the book yesterday and I haven't read it yet, but I think I know everyone, or almost everyone that's written in there and so I'm just like, I'm so excited to what was the title again?

00:37:30 - Speaker A
It's. Love thy body.

00:37:32 - Speaker B
Love thy body. That's right. Yeah. Oh, that's so good.

00:37:37 - Speaker A
Some really amazing stories in there. Yeah, it's been amazing. So this is the fourth one in the kind of series of them, but yeah, it's been an amazing experience to do that. Especially kind of never writing a book before and having that process and sharing it, it's really surreal. But yeah, it's just been really lovely to read everyone else's stories as well and see the variety and I'm a bit of a nerd with stuff, but even just seeing the different writing styles has been really fascinating. Yeah, absolutely amazing. Yeah. I am the last story in the book which I like to think best to last. That's what I'm telling myself anyway. End of the bang. Just throwing the weird kinky stuff at the end be fine.

00:38:21 - Speaker B
Yes, I love that. Amazing. Is there anything that I haven't asked you that you would want to share with the listeners?

00:38:40 - Speaker A
I don't know, I think we've top level gone over everything, to be honest. Unless I start going through all my divorce and engagement stuff, but that's nowhere near as interesting. That's a whole other episode and that's not very interesting for the common person. Far more interested in the weird kink dynamic than I'm in. Definitely.

00:39:04 - Speaker B
Okay, I have another question for you. This is for a segment that only my patreon supporters get called just the Tip, and they can find that@patreon.com, notmonogamous if they want to listen. So what is your best or favorite sex tip?

00:39:30 - Speaker A
I'll give you time. That is a good question.

00:39:37 - Speaker B
And I'm going to require it to be kinky. Knocked.

00:39:42 - Speaker A
So many I could use. There is only one coming to mind right now and I don't know why. And I also can't even validate that this is 100% true. It's like a weird little hack that I found out about a few months ago, and every now and then I try it and it does seem to help, but apparently if you pinch the inside of your forefinger and your thumb when you're giving a blow job, it's meant to help you not gag.

00:40:07 - Speaker B
It's worked for me every time.

00:40:09 - Speaker A
There you go.

00:40:09 - Speaker B
Then every time I'm like, this doesn't really work, but then I do it and I'm like, I mean, no, it's just because I'm thinking about it, but it works.

00:40:16 - Speaker A
It helps every time. Yeah, it's definitely a good one. So that's my tip. If you're giving a blow job and you don't want to gag, just pinch that little bit of skin in between your thumb and your finger. It'd be great.

00:40:28 - Speaker B
Oh my God, I love that. And nobody's given that one. This makes me so happy because I totally do that.

00:40:34 - Speaker A
And now everyone's just going to be looking at their partners as they're giving them blow job. And like, you pinch your thing. Just give it a pinch. Keep going. Be interesting to see how many men actually know about that one, or if it's just one of those, like, women's secrets. Blow job giver secrets. Yeah.

00:40:53 - Speaker B
That we pass on to each other.

00:40:56 - Speaker A
Definitely. Amazing.

00:40:59 - Speaker B
I love it. Where can people find you?

00:41:04 - Speaker A
So I have a brand new shiny website, which is thesilvercoaching.com and I am across most social media under that handle as well. So I got a Facebook, got Instagram TikTok. Yeah. I've also got a blog connected to the website as well, which I've got a couple of bits and pieces. And I'll be sharing more about my non monogamous journey and my Kinky journey. And yeah, if you're interested in the Kink side, definitely the podcast. There's only one episode out at the moment, but yeah, we'll be recording some more. And it's going to be interesting, that's for sure. Yeah. Going to be a good one. And that is kinky and unpopular. Definitely check that one out. Even if you're just being nosy and you'd never get into Kink. Guarantee it'll be interesting. And I think, again, from kind of the non monogamous perspective as well, we will be diving into a lot of topics around how to deal with the jealousy and all of those aspects. So non monogamous people probably find it quite interesting from that side of the fence as well.

00:42:10 - Speaker B
Yeah, I feel like the overlap between polyamory and BDSM and nerd culture, it's such a strong overlap.

00:42:25 - Speaker A
We're the weirdos and we're unapologetic about it. We just find our tribe and we're like, you kinky. Yeah, I'm kinky. You're a nerd. Yep. You Polly. Yeah, pretty much. Okay, cool. We can be friends.

00:42:35 - Speaker B
Yes. It's funny when I have clients come to me who are newly opening up and they're like, but how do we find people who have any concept of consent and all these things? And I'm like, oh, go find a kink space. You'll find your people, I promise.

00:42:54 - Speaker A
100%.

00:42:55 - Speaker B
All you have to do. It'll be fine.

00:42:59 - Speaker A
Yeah, it's great. I love walking into those spaces because for the most part, I look very kind of straight monogamous. Yeah. I look very kind of normal. And then I walk in and people get to know me. Like bisexual. Like, okay, yeah, I guess that makes sense. Polly interesting. Okay, so maybe she's a am and then it's like BDSM. Okay, wait, what? It's just like yeah, there's a lot. There like, switchy BDSM as well. Yeah. I may sub to you, but I will also DOB the shit out of you if you get too close. That's fun. But yeah, definitely the nerd thing. That's something that I've definitely uncovered. We're all nerds and it's great.

00:43:50 - Speaker B
I think there's something about once you step outside of the social boxes, it's so much easier to every other box is so much easier to step outside of. It just starts with one.

00:44:03 - Speaker A
Yeah. I think I found that with family members as well. Like, coming out as bisexual and then coming out as Polly, and then it's kind of got to the point where they're like, it doesn't matter what I tell them. I'm the weird one anyway. I'm the black sheep of the family. They probably half expected how they're just non, like, okay, sure. That makes sense. Thanks.

00:44:26 - Speaker B
If you like it, I love it.

00:44:27 - Speaker A
That's great. I'm happy. Amazing.

00:44:33 - Speaker B
So good talking to you. I'm so happy to to actually get to engage with you, because I feel like we've been in the same world and social media and all the things for a long, long time.

00:44:47 - Speaker A
Definitely. Chat with you, connect properly. Definitely. And what a way to do it as well.

00:44:55 - Speaker B
Exactly. Hmm.